This Is How I Feel. Support Is Appreciated.

I am at my 4th month anniversary of tinnitus. Some days are good while others are bad... I feel though I can accredit myself to some small progress which i am thankful for but yet I still very much miss my old life and self... I fight for the future. The following is my train of thought that i would greatly appreciate support with:

Time as I know it is interconnected. There is no distinguishing 9am from 4pm to 10:30pm its all one big space.. its all one time.. do you know what i mean? I am just so zoned out of reality even though i am trying to be zoned in, telling apart the times of the day all seem the same to me.

I try to put a smile on my face but most of the time when i do its forced. I feel as if though the muscles to create smiles have been removed in a sense but they are obviously still there. I used to have the biggest smile on my face all the time felt like the happiest guy in the world and now... time and reality is one big blur. My emotions feel like a deflated balloon.

What is habituation? Does it mean that when the day comes I will no longer be zoned out? Will the depression and anxiety leave? I firmly understand that it takes time and patients to adapt to the alien T noise within my brain but when it does will my sense of reality be back to how it was?

 

It will get better. I'm about exactly a year further along than you, and at the 4 month stage I was still very sorry for myself and feeling my life was over. I cried, prayed, complained to anyone who would listen, and dreaded waking up each morning to that screeching sound. I tried all sorts of remedies, from diet changes to vitamins, from jaw and neck massage to a chiropractor. Nothing really helped. The only thing that did was time and acceptance. I have fairly loud T most days, and quieter T a few days. But it doesn't really bother me anymore except as an annoyance. I'm fully enjoying life again and so will you. Sure I still wish it would go away. But it doesn't rule my life anymore. One day at a time. Keep smiling even if it's sometimes hard. Good luck!

 

Alek, yes, it will come a day you'll no longer be zoned out, sooner than you imagine. I came across your feelings after the onset. I learned that my enemies were anxiety and depression, so I warmly advice you to see a specialist that can help you. Right now, you need to deal with your reaction to T. I agree with @DebS, she has a good point of view. Keep in touch, there's a lot of wonderful people here around. Be strong, you'll win the battle!

 

Thank you DebS
Thank you Carlo

Both of you for taking the time and effort in respond to my support. How are you now Carlo? How is your depression and anxiety? Maybe I can as this to you too DebS?

 

You are welcome, Alek. I can say that three-four months after the onset I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Couple of months more and I started to have my life back. My anxiety-depression is over, I am living again normally; T it's just a background sound that I ignore except when I check for it (less and less during the process of habituation). I just protect my ears in some occasion (concerts, stadium, sometimes at cinema) and watch TV wearing headphones at low volume level, I discovered helps me a lot. Sometimes T spikes (for unpredictable reasons) or I feel the level of the sound higher, but then it calms down and in any case it doesn't bother me.
PM me if you need.

 

Alek, you I are almost on the same track.
I acquired my T in October, too. It is variable in intensity, volume and even the sound (sometimes both ears, sometimes just the right one, sometimes a hissing, sometimes a ringing) It never stops, though.
I do think my overall mood has improved, though, especially the last month. I find that doing anything I enjoy and that occupies my mind can help. The last two weekends, I have spent most of the weekends with friends and family, doing something enjoyable. During those times, I find that my T is far less intrusive.
The long weekdays sitting at a desk at work at the worst times though. I understand feeling that sense of being lost in time. I go back and forth between being resolute and strong and believing that I will habituate, and then feeling that I might collapse at any time and that my life is no longer mine.
I, too, feel like I am fighting for the future, and I do not want to give it up.

 

Alex, all I can say is that it was a gradual process. At first I was masking the sound with music and white noise during the day, and a humidifier at night. Now I don't need any sounds. The T is always there but it is more like background noise now, sometimes loud, sometimes soft, but I really don't pay much attention to it. I had a lot of anxiety the first few months, and even had vertigo and a panic attack, plus sensitivity to loud sounds. That's gone away. I think staying active helps...even doing a jigsaw puzzle helped distract me when I was freaking out. I do notice the T is louder when I'm stressed, but my mind is usually on what's stressing me out so the T doesn't overwhelm me like it used to. I really never thought I'd get used to it, but I guess the mind does work in weird and wonderful ways.

 

It is important to give it time. It is more so important to learn acceptance. Not necessary accepting T or liking it, but accepting the reality of T in your life. Try to turn T from life threatening to just an annoyance. People can live with annoying things especially with a good positive attitude. That is how people learn to live around airport or train tracks. It takes time to get used to the new condition but it is equally important that you don't put up a painful & emotional resistance to the reality. Just tell yourself you have many good things in life beside T, many dreams to pursue and goals to achieve. Try count your blessing to start minimize T. Anxiety and depression are often a result of the newness of the T trauma, when the body refuse to accept the T reality. Once you let go and willing to co-exist with T peacefully, you will begin to turn the corner.

 

Give it a try.. https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

 

I really miss my old life too

 

Alec, most of us on this site have been where you are and a lot of us are doing OK now. It really is as the others said; just a matter of time. Your subconscious mind needs time to accept that the noise is not a danger or threat so that it will start to filter out the sound so you hear it a lot less often. I fought against it for a long time but only when I realized the battle was futile did I make a lot of progress.

The emotional pain you are feeling is not to do with the sound, as hard as that is to believe. The pain is the gap made by what's happening in your life and what you want to be happening in your life. Resistance is causing the pain and when you accept that you've got it (you can still hate it!) then things can start to improve. Treat yourself with compassion and just try to get through this difficult early stage as best you can, knowing that you, like most other people will be OK. Warm thoughts, Beth.

 

There was a time when I believed this too, that my "old" life was gone. I've found that the more I've pushed myself through my fears of doing things I did before T, the more I've found that my life is still the same. I'm also around the 4 month mark and have gotten better. It's not easy (in fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done) and there are setbacks along the way, but it will get better.