Worried and Going Nuts

Thank you for your support.

I had a bit of a rough night here as the T is starting to dominate my mind again. This time also mixed with a little stress over today's day at work. At times I tell myself "this is just like that last rough patch the summer of 2013", but the next it seems like it's worsened. Also, it can't possibly be worse than two weeks ago (it was 16 days since I went to that party), yet I do feel worse.

 

It's getting more and more annoying and nights are worse. How can it be that I handle it so badly? I've had T so long and how can I experience it worse now than two weeks ago?

Pardon my spamming of the thread, but I just feel the need to get it out somewhere.

 

I'm sorry for "spamming" by writing in an old thread such as this, but I'm using it to keep track of my own spike(s), hoping that it will be helpful to myself, should this spike pass and another one come in the future. However, feel free to comment. Any support is good.

Four weeks ago I went to a musical (Book of Mormon), and I did wear my earphones. During the musical I realised that it was louder than I thought it would be, so during the intermission I changed filters (From ACS Pro15 to ACS Pro26). Worrying that I had damaged my ears that evening caused a slight spike, but I believe it had faded a few days later (can't remember exactly, since the current spike is way worse).

Then, 11 days ago, I attended a very loud birthday party. It was held in a nightclub with dinner and then... a DJ. Sound was at what i think is regular nightclub volume, loud. I wore earplugs the entire night, even during dinner, though there was no more music than some in the background. Just a lot of people talking. At dinner I used my lowest filter (Pro15) and the rest of the night my Pro26. (15 years ago, I used to go out all the time to nightclubs, despite my T, always using my "Earfoon" ear plugs. I never ever spiked).

When the night was through, my ears were ringing like hell. I'm guessing this was from the exposure to loud music, but also from drinking quite a lot of alcohol. I've had my head ringing like this before, from just the alcohol and no loud music, so that didn't actually bother me that much, since I knew I'd been wearing my earplugs all night. I do remember thinking at the club something like "how do people without earplugs manage?". Once during the night I measured the sound with an app in my phone. I don't know how accurate it is, I'm a little sceptical, but it showed volumes maxing at around 89 dB, which with earplugs in, shouldn't (?) have been too loud).

Anyway, here I am, 11 days later and spiking. Both my ears seem to be spiking, but at night it seems concentrated to my left ear, which has always been my worst ear. Short periods of time during the day it seems to get slightly better, but it keeps coming back, being louder than the TV and being present pretty much all the time. I hear it when I drive, despite having the radio on and at times it feels like I have a siren inside my head. Anxiety strikes a little at times, but I'm battling it slightly better than the last bad spike three or four years ago. (I think being off work this week is doing more bad than good, also).

I also had the flu four days last week, but the spike had begun before that.

 

When you were making a decision to do the things above, had you been worried about your behaviour causing life-long problems for you? If so, is it the case that in the end you decided that doing whatever you feel like was worth all of the possible consequences?

 

Well, since my original "real" onset back in 1999, I've done pretty much everything I used to do, with the exception of rock concerts (did attend one last year though, breaking a vow never to go again (Tom Petty in Hyde Park)). I wear earplugs every time nowadays, though. At neither of the two things mentioned above had I expected the sound to be THAT loud. I didn't worry though, since I felt prepared. AND, nowadays I almost never go to places that are loud. The concert last summer and the two occasions above being exceptions.

Experience from before "taught me" (though possibly incorrectly) that I was safe as long as I protected my ears. This latest spike has made me reconsider though, even though I'm still not 100% sure whether this is an increase or just an imagined / temporary spike.

 

I am probably a coward. I wouldn't be able to do this. Throughout the loud event I know that I would be worried about the possible consequences, so enjoying the event would be out of the question for me.

 

I know what you mean. I felt like that during the concert, which I suppose was louder than the party, but ironically my ears survived that one. (And I'm glad I went. Part because I got to revisit London, part because it was great, part because Petty died later that year... )

I do know now, even if this spike should eventually pass, that I will be even more careful in the future, probably limiting my loud environment visits (that require plugs) to movie theatres and sports).

 

This thread is like 5 years old.

 

Yes, but the problem is the same now again. Like I said earlier I wrote in it to help myself understand/recollect how I felt during the last bad spike and hoping that should this one pass, I can look back at it next time, if there is a next time.

 

Oh, I did not see that. I am sorry that you are having a spike.

 

Perhaps your spike started about the same time as you got the flu virus? I think I read somewhere that you can carry the virus for a couple of days before experiencing any symptoms.

 

That would be good, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I do hope you're right, though, because then it ought to go away quite soon.

 

OK, just filling out my "journal" a little. I just realised that my T is more noticeable in my right ear while watching TV, but the sensation of fullness and "need for removal of something" is much bigger in my left ear. It's also my left ear that's the most noisy at night.

Short periods of time I tend to not bother much, but most of the day it's there, much more noticeable than usual, even when I'm not actively searching for it. That's what's worrying me the most.

 

Wait for at least three months before worrying about it being permanent. One of my temporary spikes had lasted for over three months...

 

Thank you. Lying awake now. 3 AM. Left ear sreaming like never before. Masking sounds helps, but I want to be able to sleep on my left side. Right now that's impossible.

 

Every time I get a spike, it is hard to not get convinced that it is permanent. I keep telling myself that it is temporary, and doing this helps me to ride it out...

 

I know. It's easier said than done, though. At times the T seems to be winning, now and then I feel OK, but right now only for very short periods of time.

That's why I decided to write in this old thread of mine also, to be able to compare my thoughts with thoughts from previous spikes. Even though I keep feeling that this spike is worse than ever before, it does seem to mostly match my thoughts from June 2013 (quite long spike) and november 2014 (less than two months) as well, and that gives me a little hope.

Right now I'm having coffee in my kitchen. The radio is on and I'm beside the fridge, which gives away a humming sound. I can't hear my T clearly, but I feel it buzzing "above" all the other sounds. (And now that I wrote about it it responded by becoming more obvious, of course ).

I'm off from work this week (school holiday, I'm a teacher), but I feel I would have been better off at work, since it would've kept me busier).

 

Called the doctor now. Considering future CBT, but the route there is quite long. Need to go through my GP and since I didn't rush it myself I didn't get an appointment there until the 20th. Hopefully it's receded by then. At least some.

They do have a specialist department for Tinnitus/Hyperacusis CBT in Uppsala, but that's in a different region than mine. Not quite sure if that's for me, but I might as well go to the doctor and once again get everything into my journal.

 

Higher frequency and louder. Very rough to cope with right now at night. Not even my usual masking sound is helping much.

Yesterday I played tennis for an hour and went to the gym. It felt OK at the time, but I was keeping busy. It returned immediately after getting home and out of the shower. The shower, btw, right now is the only place where I can't hear it.

I'm imagining it louder than last week, but that surely can't be?

It feels unfair. I did protect my ears. Was it really that f..... loud 12 days ago? Did I use my plugs in the wrong way, somehow? If it were that loud, how on Earth did all the other guests survive?

 

Now that our ears have been compromised, it takes a lot less to hurt one of us. Sounds that healthy people won't even notice can have consequences lasting a lifetime for us.

Earplugs and ear muffs can offer a false sense of security. This forum is full of horror stories of people finding out the hard way that they are not 100% safe when they wear earplugs.

It is possible that the events 12 days ago were "the straw that broke the camel's back"...

There is still a reasonable chance that it will fade. Try to ride it out...

 

You're probably right, in everything you say. It's getting to me, more and more now, though. Experience doesn't seem to be helping much.

I believe some of this is caused by worry, most of it is real. Last week, as I was home with the flu I remember thinking about my increased T, but not this much, if I remember correctly. Maybe the flu kept me occupied to some extent.

 

You are not alone!!

My experience tells me that whatever sound I am hearing right now (during a spike and on any given day) is likely not what I will be hearing in the long run, and YET it is so hard to actually believe that after you get to listen to it for a couple of hours. It Always feels like this will be The sound... Despite the rational part of my mind knowing that that is not the case, I Still always feel like that must be the case.

 

OK, now I got really scared. I got information from the seller of my earplugs. It seems I've put the filters in the wrong way and I guess they didn't protect me as I thought they did.

How could I? How could I not study the instructions better with something like this?

 

Not that it matters that much, since the T is still there and still spiking, but the manufacturer wrote this to me: "Having the filters inserted the wrong way round shouldn’t affect their performance too much. They are designed more so to have the ACS logo on the outside, to protect the mesh membrane from getting damaged, as this is the part that does the attenuating. "

Whatever "not too much" means...

 

Has the spike calmed down any?

When you go the gym do you get any spikes? I’m going to start back at the gym on Monday and that’s what worries me.

 

I don't know, to be honest, how much of this is mental and how much is actual, but today I feel a little stronger mentally and a little more positive that I'll get through this (again), but the T is still more intrusive than usual.

My gym is not loud at all, most of the time. It's not a "cool" gym at all, so I'm among the youngest there. (I'm 44)
While there the T tends to fade back, since I'm more focused om what I'm doing (not that I like working out), but I have never ever experienced exercise as causing more T. Not the gym and not running. Running is actually even better.

 

I think it may be mostly mental and the fact you’re feeling a bit stronger it will hopefully have a postive effect on the ringing and it die back down bit by bit.

Haha that made me laugh a little about being the youngest there, I’m 36 and my gym is only small but think I’m one of the older ones there. I’ll give it a go on Monday and see eh.
I’m more of a fan of walking then running, don’t know why but always preferred a walk.

 

I hope so.

 

I had planned on going to work today, but failed. Could hardly sleep and woke up feeling anxiety over my T. Begun eating Sertralin two days ago, just to see if it has any kind of impact. I don't know whether that caused how I felt this morning or not.

Right now, however, it's just the T that's bothering me, not anxiety as much. Also, I don't know if it's just my imagination, but it sort of feels as if my T has hit a higher pitch.

I don't know my frequency, and I think measuring it is really hard on my own, but i think it's around 13500-14000 Hz, but I may be completely wrong.

 

Note to self:

Today is odd. I don't know if it's the SSRI working (5 days), the T fading/changing or me habituating, but I feel less bothered today for the first time in almost three weeks. However, I can't say for sure that the T has gone down. I experience it at a higher frequency (as if an old CRT TV is on somewhere playing along with my regular T) and I also seem to feel it physically around my temples. "Heavy headed". This could all be temporary/imagined, but it sort of feels like a step in the right direction anyway.