Another Option for Me — Suicide

After suffering with higher tinnitus since March and the associated anxiety and depression and all the other issues I've had to suffer along the years I'm seriously considering suicide. I just want to be able to sleep in peace, it's come to the point now where even sleep is no ways an exit to the hurt. Horrific nightmares, waking up and suffering with hurt all day, regret, self pity. I just can't do it anymore, I've lost my will to live.

I was looking at ways to kill yourself both painlessly and quickly, I just cannot see a future of me being bright and happy, I feel so bad for my family around me, but I feel things will never improve for me.

 

Please read positivity thread.

 

Paulmanlike,
I will give you my life journey so bare with me on this as I think it will help you.

My life was tough and in deep depression and anxiety when I started with Menieres and sever Bilateral tinnitus .
I also struggle to breath as a sever asthmatic under the hospital on lots of meds and gasp trying breath like through a straw full of mucous and have to rely on meds to breath.
Depression soon took over my life .
I felt in a million pieces .

I got help to sleep and AD meds and talking therapy and worked hard building up my confidence and self worth and help from audiology and a great asthma team and I know I was being looked after and great family support and doctor and talking therapy.
Bit by bit my life started to move forward in a positive way.
I still struggle with my breathing and two days ago a massive asthma attack stopped me breathing in and out and lips blue and could not shout for help and meds and phone down stairs and hubby unaware I was on the verge of a life threatening attack and that's how my life goes for the last 12 years and constant tinnitus.

Life is so precious and you will get through this hard time in your life and come through the storm with help I promise you ....
I have lost my mum and dad close together and was only June this year for my mum and heart breaking.

My second grandson born two days ago and a wedding next year.

As you can see life changes and each setback makes you stronger and you must fight like I do health wise and grasp life with both hands and say to your self I'm stronger than my health issues and don't let it win.

Get support for how you feel as you need the mental health support and that's nothing to be ashamed of and you will get stronger.
I was once a sad withdrawn person looking back in a mirror with blank emotions and felt like giving up
..Im so glad I didn't and blessed I got the support I needed and still need health wise.
My positivity to life now is so strong and we have the right to be happy regardless of what we go through.
Love glynis xxx

 

Don't do it - have you tried neuromodulation? Can you save up for it? Give yourself a chance, March is not even a year at this new level. Start with a good sleep regime. Tire yourself out so you can sleep, exercise if needed...

Mine is sky high today don't know when it will settle, can't focus, it's a rollercoaster, I get it. But you can get to a point where you have some happy times again and have an ok life, most people with t choose life so it's got to be possible. Reach out and keep busy when you're feeling awful. Go to the GP and ask to be referred to the wellbeing service or the crisis team in your area.

Have they given you an in ear master yet?

Let your family know how you're feeling, as a parent I'd want to know. x

 

Thanks for replies, I just feel like I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. I can barely get out of the bed in the mornings. I just feel like a bottle of JD and pills to sleep. As heartbreaking as it is to feel how my family would feel, I feel I would be better off.

I'm constantly obsessed by the ringing, forever looking for future treatments but even then the whole promise only seems to Ben targeted for acute tinnitus which won't help the veterans of tinnitus. Where do we stand? Brushed aside with limited success therapies like trt and CBT just to cope with it. I want my silence back and my life, I thought OCD was unbearable but this torment beats it.

 

I have been in your shoes before and still get there at times. I have no one and only myself to carry and support. You have family and possibly friends that love you, reach out to them and gain more support. Therapy might be a good option for you, talk things out with someone that you trust and love.

I firmly believe that tomorrow is a new day and a better day....never give up!

 

Paul, i thought you only heard it in a quiet room?

 

I went to the T clinic in U.K. where they offer neuromodulation, they couldn't really find my T pitch, tried that lateral inhibition which didn't work then they went on to me to try the Levo system which I believe is to do more with habituation. I passed, although if they did offer me the neuromodulation and they thought they could treat it I would of tried it. Anything for a substantial reduction in volume, I would of paid.
Tried the masker although I went private, they trialled me on it but wanted over a thousand pound for it for some little device, so I gave it back to them. (I believe I can just get a masker without the hearing aid for much cheaper as I have no hearing loss)

 

I also have the tinnitool (that laser) you put in your ear, another waste of money for this condition.

i am really losing hope

 

@Paulmanlike,
You can do this,the depression makes you not want to get out of bed and lethargic but it will improve.

I would like this thread now to be about you and everyday come on here to post What you are doing each day and how you feel.

We can give you encouragement
to eat a small meal
Get out in the fresh air
Ring a friend
Chat on hear
Give you a leg up if feel low
Encourage you
See what help you can get
Doctor support
Go to a local shop
Gain confidence
Self worth
I'm sure we can all support you in a positive way and no hard remarks as your fragile at the moment .

Simple things at your own pace and under no pressure from anyone.
Doctor support and talking therapy or number to ring like Samaritans or Mental Health.

We are here for you and your not alone.
Love glynis x


Edit-my tinnitus was in both ears and head.
Nortryptaline stopped my head tinnitus and can sleep well also now on it 50mg a night.

 

Thanks Glynis I am on this forum every day thank you X

 

What caused your T? When it started?

 

In a quiet room it appears way loud, like a high pitched squeal, in a moderate environment it appears more background - but still distressing (for me at least)

 

I come on most days and on 6 weeks school holiday from work at the moment so will keep checking in on you.
Will be away Sunday and Monday as going Manchester with hubs .
Keep your chin up as we all do care on here ...
Love glynis x

 

All I have to say is this. All of us have been in dark places and we thought we'd never see the bright lights again. I have seen my dark days via addiction (Benzos, BRUTAL/HELL...Limbs going numb, very scary mentally/physically), Almost lost my life 8 times (Almost fell off a mountain, totaled my car on a rainy night, had a brick almost fly into my window, while driving on the freeway). Burying my mom and dad 4 years ago (which still hurts). Darkness can come around, but the bright lights do come around. It just takes a little patience and discipline to make this all happen.

Life will bring darkness, but our will power can bring that bright light, just dig deep and reach for it. If you cannot sleep, then focus on what can be done, to get better sleep. All of us at one point have had sleep issues and we gave it a shot and figured a way to make it happen.

If you have anxiety, then try to see how you can reduce it and make it manageable. Everything is possible, it just takes lots of heart and effort

 

Ah ok, fair enough. Do you use sound enrichment regularly?

 

At night time I use a sound machine although sometimes I try to sleep without it. I figure if I become reliant on it, it may hinder me getting "used to it".

 

Do you have a job? You're here too much. FIND a hobby and a job you're interested in and move on with your life.

 

Which pills do you take for sleep? Some can make T worse

 

It's weird, in silence i can sleep with mine. It just seems to aggravate me if i hear it over activities during the day.

 

@Paulmanlike Dude, seriously STFU!!! and I mean that in the most loving and understanding way bro! I, as most who have replied to you and are here on TT have gone thru similar gnarly sh*# as you are! It totally and completely sucks!! I get it, we get it!!! I ended up in the ER twice because I thought I was going end it! BUT... I got thru and you will to man!!! I know it seems impossible, that EXACTLY what I thought. Again, BUT I am on the other side. I still have gnarly T, But I am living again. PLEASE don't do anything drastic!!! You have family and friend who love and depend on you! Please listen to the encouragement yu are receiving here on TT. You can do this man! One hour, one day at a time. Blessings bro!!

 

Zopiclone, nytol, diazepam. Depends what I've got at the time. Don't over do though.

 

The NHS can give you an in ear masker for free. Go to your GP, tell them you want an urgent appointment with the audiologist at the hospital and they can fit it there and then.
As the volume of yours seems moderate you should at least be able to get to an ok place, the white noise helped me in the beginning. If the GP is not helpful tell them that's what the BTA advise. They also rely on BTA for info.

 

Hey man, I am being straight up honest with you, not blowing smoke!! I was in the depth of pure hell and got thru. It's possible! It takes desire, effort, and support, but it's totally achievable!!!

 

Hi @Paulmanlike
It is not a good idea to sleep without your sound machine expecially if your tinnitus is intrusive. Please read my article: Tinnitus, A Personal View, where the benefits of using a sound machine is covered. The article is in my "started threads"
Michael

 

Dear Paul,

I am sorry for you... Unfortunatly I know this place too... Also really wanted to kill myself during last Christmas Holidays period...

I have started an AD (Escitalopram 20mg) and at the beginning a Benzo (Temesta 0.5-1mg), took a break at work (still on today) and went to a special unit with Hospital for Intensive Support...

It helped me quite a lot I guess, but also changes in my daily life (takes time) and regarding my relations with people, especially my mother...

Don't give up without trying as much as you can !!! And even in full desperation we can try more than we think !

Peace man !

Christophe

 

You need to be under professional care...if it's this traumatic for you hit and miss won't work...my first 9 months I honestly believed I was going mad...at least think of your family...

 

I do not know if this drugs can make your T worse, someone else maybe knows! My T is improving little bit and I currently have 3 days good and 3 bad. Mine was due to loud noise 8 monthes ago, your?

 

"Where there's life, there's hope"
Stephen Hawking.

Keep figthing friend. Tinnitus is a noise thing, but also a mind thing. We should be very greatful for being alive, just keep improving and find a meaning of life.

Johnny.

 

@Paulmanlike , I understand how you feel. Tinnitus is terrible. It robs you of your life, it takes your happiness, and can take your will to live. Like @Jeff M. I have been pushed to the point of wanting to end it all. I made an attempt (I failed), and had many times sitting with a razor in my hand ready to make the cuts (and I researched to learn which ones to make to assure success). I still consider it on an almost daily basis.

Neither you or your family will be better off. I understand how, right now, you feel that tinnitus has potentially condemned you to a lifetime of suffering, but your tinnitus can get better, or you can learn to habituate. If you act on the suicidal thoughts you are condemning your family, friends, and everyone who cares about you to a lifetime of sadness, sorrow, and regret. They will forever ask themselves what they did wrong, why they didn't see how depressed you were, why they could not realize that you needed help.

Tinnitus it horrible; nobody wants it. Let's be honest, nobody wants to be part of this community. I am grateful to this community, but the cost of membership (tinnitus) is not something I would have chosen willingly. But, you are (not necessarily by choice) part of this community. And we take care of our own, and fiercely protect our own. So I apologize for the long, rambling post, but when someone seems to strongly set on harming themselves, we here take it seriously. And of those of us who have tried, or have even considered it, we fight to stop it even more; because we have been there, we understand the depths of depression that can drive someone to want to end it all; and we also know that you can climb out of there and we are reaching out our virtual hands to help pull you up.

Don't give up, many here have had this for a long time. Find the introduction posts of members like @Michael Leigh , @glynis, @fishbone, @Bobbie7, @billie48, etc., you will see people struggling, wondering if they can carry on, but you see them here, today, providing support and telling you that it will get better. Let their stories and positivity be the light that helps guide you from the dark place you find yourself in.

You will make it through this, you will get your life back, you will beat this.


My apologies of the long, rambling reply. But please, do not give up.