Devastated

I had a great life--loved my job, loving wife, great family. Now I feel like everything has changed in an instant. I'm having trouble sleeping for the noise, my appetite is gone. The things that used to interest me I don't care about anymore. I'm in shambles.

My wife doesn't understand the magnitude. I can't process this. I don't know how to go on like this. Getting through the day is a struggle. I feel utterly alone right now. I don't know what to do with myself.

This is a cry for help because I don't feel like life is worth living any more.

 

Hi. You can still have a great life you know.. Tinnitus can be very hard and change a lot of things but it does not mean that life is over. Plus, your T seems very recent, it could very well go away in the coming days or weeks.
What happened to you and how loud is your T by the way?

 

@distres117 ,
Welcome to Tinnitus Talk.
We all understand how you feel and we are here around the clock to support you.
When tinnitus invades your life and takes away your quietness and concentration and struggle to sleep and impacts on your day before you know it your mood can drop and with the sound itself it can be tough for newcomers having tinnitus and loved ones.
You will get lots of support on here so for now try to stay calm and keep relaxing music on around you.
Love glynis

 

That's how I felt at one week in. I had about two weeks of nightmare hellscape where I was in survival mode doing anything I could to stay sane. I'm at about one month now and things are much, much better. It won't always seem as loud as it does now. Give it time.
Get some white noise going, distract yourself from it as much as you can, get some sleep. Any time spent not thinking about it is progress. Start with a few minutes, and you'll be up to a few hours in no time.

 

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm trying not to have any illusions about my condition. I have been practicing breathing techniques and they helped me sleep better last night. In fact this morning at my apartment, I actually quieted the noise. But riding the subway and coming to work brought it all back for me.

I've read that T is like a stress-alarm in your head. Well, life is stress. I don't have a super-stressful job but how does one reconcile the constant background stress of life with the condition? I need to keep my job since it is how I get health care which I need (living in the US) more than ever right now. I'm trying to stay positive but it is really hard. I feel like I can't handle the life I've built. I try to feel like my old self again and for fleeting moments I can do it. But is that what my life is now? A series of fleeting moments? I can't handle that.

 

How did you get T?
It gets better with time, so give it a bit of time too, and be kind to yourself during these trying times.

Have you seen a doc?

 

I think nearly everyone here has felt like this at one time or another so try not to beat yourself up. Tinnitus can be painfully difficult to accept; especially early on when it’s all new. We all go through a grieving process at the loss of silence. But, It does get a lot better with time and I believe, like many, you will feel completely different once you adapt to it.

 

It happened with accidental exposure to very loud sounds during a concert. Does it get better with time? I feel like I have to work for the rest of my days now just to recapture some semblance of my old life. I'm sorry if I sound so negative. This has devastated me. Seeing people at work, doing things I used to do before T. It's like a trigger for me, like I'm in some alternate universe seeing in. My family, my wife, they don't understand the magnitude of how I have changed and that things will probably never be the same. I feel even worse when I think about when that begins to dawn on them. I need to talk. I can't concentrate on my work. This is all-consuming right now.

 

It is a grieving period. I am in grieving. I feel nothing now, no joy. I need help.

 

I could have written this post word for word 3 years ago. I feel totally different now but there’s no way I’ll convince you because none of the posts back then ever convinced me. I was too depressed.

All I can tell you is that it takes time to come to terms with, but the vast majority do. I’ve seen people come here in a real mess and leave 3-6 months later feeling much better. Sometimes when this has happened I’ve PM’ed people to see if they’re ok and it’s surprising to hear them say how much better they feel. I can’t post examples because they’re private but one example is a girl called @Jaybeee. Look at her early threads and read how she felt. Maybe if she logs in she can update us directly but I doubt she will. Her last PM was very positive.

This is the trend more than it is the exception and @Markku could probably verify this. I can’t lie and say that everyone sails through it, but most really do feel much better given time. Try to stay positive as hard as this may seem.

I usually advise people to challenge themselves to new things and to set goals. We really need to break the cycle of negative association with the noise in our head. Most people become stuck in a routine without even realising it, so try to break up familiar patterns and do something crazy. Take up some new hobbies that are deeply interesting to you as this will allow your mind to wander elsewhere. Most people sit around and ruminate; this is the worst thing you can do. You could also up your exercise to help with your stress levels and help boost your mood at the same time. Eat well and let time heal your wounds.

Try helping people out as well as this has been proven to help us. Anytime you help others you really do help heal yourself. So, maybe try doing something for charity?

Anyway, good luck and I wish you well.

 

Thank you Ed209. I have always been a home body, usually doing solitary things like tv watching or working on my computer (I'm a software engineer). I know I need to branch out now and try new things. I will PM you with updates. I'm guessing people start feeling better because of coping strategies. I'm working to develop those and my wife is tremendous support. My thoughts are a lot less dark than they were yesterday, work gives me a sense of normalcy. I know it won't be a straight line. There will be dark days ahead, but thank you so much for taking the time to reach out, and I think I feel ready to try to fight this. More than ever I need to feel like I'm a part of something.

 

Yup, I understand all of that, and perhaps you'll be surprised to know that what you are feeling (all of what you are describing actually) is extremely common at T onset.
Give it time.

 

Had lunch with work colleagues and first time we had a genuine conversation. I feel somehow more bold in how I relate to people. I feel more empathy. I feel I can connect on a deeper level. The old me was very quick to judge, to pick sides, to have strong reactions to things. The new me speaks slower, but more deliberately. Is it healthy to think in these terms (old/new)?

We had lunch outside, it is a lovely day and I couldn't help but acknowledge how much more the old me would have enjoyed that. I shed some tears under my sunglasses, I'm trying to be strong as my wife wants me to be. I'm leaning on her so much now, I feel ashamed. I didn't let them see me cry, I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm going to be posting a lot here and much of it will be stream-of-conciousness style until I am able to talk to a professional. This is a helpful outlet right now, and my only source of T-specific support.

 

@distres117 ,
So glad you got outside in the sun with your work colleagues and in time you will cope better and feel better in yourself and over time you will go minutes to hours or days not noticing your sound.
Tinnius can change sound and strength so try not panic if it does happen and usually goes back to whats normal for you.
Enjoy your time on here and making some friends along the way who understand what it's like to have tinnitus.
Love glynis

 

Hey man, its totally normal to feel this way at first. Its the change that is the most distressing as well as the worry about how can you possibly cope with this forever. It will change though i promise, you might have a good few months of struggle to get through which you will need masking techniques and distractions for but it will get better and it will change. The volume and intensity and pitch of the tones you are hearing will soften as time goes on and as it does you will feel better once you realise that you can manage it. Eventually you will probably only hear it at night and in the morning which as bad as it may sound is a lot easier than it blasting all day. It may even go away altogether, i found a guy on reddit just yesterday who had Tinnitus and was hearing voices for 1.5 years following a loud concert and has now completely recovered. You have to have hope, be positive and take it one day at a time. Use masking at night time to sleep or whenever you need it. Dont use headphones ever again, stay away from noise.

 

Thank you Glynis. Though we are separated by an ocean, I can feel your love and am grateful for it. I feel like love will be the thing that gets me through. I just need to come to terms with this new state, that is the hardest thing. How long did it take for you to accept these changes? How did your loved ones come to terms?

 

@distres117 ,
My tinnitus is sever in both ears with hearing loss due to Meniere's Disease and progressive.
I now wear hearing aids.
My hubby is more understanding about tinnitus now but was hard for him.
Maybe you can both come on here together and it will help her understand and how it effects others.
Love glynis

 

I understand @distres117. Having a supportive spouse is wonderful. I know my husband was at a loss seeing me decline day after day. I tried not to wallow in my self pity too much around him but I also tried to let him know what I was feeling. I found ways to cope but in the beginning it was SO difficult.

Don't shut her out if possible. But also be strong at the same time. It is a weird balance that takes time to develop.

You will eventually find the right path to follow and this does seem to make one feel more empathy for others.

How loud is your tinnitus and is it high pitched?

Just know you are going to be okay. I was so much like you back in 2002.

 

The people here are amazing. Their support, advice and encouragement are what gave me the strength to get through each day. I look forward to getting to know you. Be careful, though, you may make some good friends and not want to leave.

One day at a time is how I am able to manage. I also tend to seek out the Success Stories, they give me hope.

emma~

 

Thank you Emma. I won't be leaving this community. I already feel connected after just one day.

 

So happy to hear this! Even on days when my tinnitus is behaving somewhat I still check in. There is something very comforting about being around people who truly understand what we are living with on a daily basis. Our family and friends do their best to understand, but one can never begin to imagine the distress it can cause unless they have experienced it on a personal level. We would never fault them for this, of course, they just have no real perception of what tinnitus is.

 

What does it mean when your T is behaving? Is it not noticeable? My wife tells me to get out of my head, focus on others. This is something I've never done before and may be an opportunity. What are some coping machanisms you've developed?

 

@distres117 - I was in your shoes just over 4 months ago and vividly recall how death was an option if my life continued on with this tinnitus. Fast forward to 4 months and life is considerably better. Sadly I still have it, but have accepted it and I'm now planning my life with it. You're in wonderful hands here on this message board.

Since you're tinnitus is from noise and you ride the subway, I HIGHLY recommend you either wear ear plugs or ear muffs while on the subway. I take DC metro everyday to/from work and always use muffs to be safe and give the ears a rest. Something similar to these https://www.amazon.com/3M-Peltor-Over-Earmuffs-X5A/dp/B00CPCHBCQ

Found this article on noise and NYC subway: https://www.newsday.com/news/new-york/subway-noise-can-damage-your-ears-say-experts-1.6164286

 

Yes, I do wear earplugs now. Was there a specific turning point or technique you used to improve your life? I have spent the day distracting myself with work / friends but night is a different matter. I can't distract myself 24-7. What can I do when I am alone? I called a crisis helpline twice yesterday because talking helps. I feel a sense of impending dread as the day draws to a close now. I used to love unwinding after work. Now I dread it. I dread being alone with my dark thoughts. Was this your experience in the beginning? That life was a series of islands of momentary distractions in a sea of deep depression?

 

What I mean is that the pitch/whistle doesn't seem as loud some days. I have a tea kettle whistle that is in my left ear and it has not subsided, my pitch rarely changes. My tinnitus was not caused by noise trauma. Many head colds/flu/ear virus is the likely cause. I can't remember when I didn't have a head cold last winter. I was told that my T was a symptom of these things and that it can take up to six months for the ear to completely heal. There is a chance that once the ear heals the T will disappear, there is also the chance that it will not subside.

I am doing my best to stay positive that this is not forever.

 

@distres117
This forum is a great source for information and for connecting with people who get what you're going through. I know for myself that reading the positive threads and success stories have made some of the tougher days easier to handle. I made a decision when I joined that I was going to stick with the upbeat folks -- it helps! Best to you.

Mystery Reader

 

@distress have you lost all of those aspects in your prior life?

Maybe I misunderstood your message. Are you still with your wife or are you alone? Or feeling alone even if you are still together?

The first month or two are the most difficult. For me I found how to calm my inside self with different techniques like music therapy using bose headset. Some say to stay away from all headsets. I think it depends on your personal situation. I stay away from all in the earbuds. I listen to guided meditation and that helps a lot. And I found a way to use different music I record in a specific way with tones and sounds and harmonies that seem to help calm the noise.
Some use white, pink or other sounds (crickets) which made my tinnitus worse.

 

@distres117
Welcome to the forum. Sorry I am a bit late to your thread. You have already received excellent advice from folks like glynis, Ed and others. I can only add in my experience and my story to help you see the light. Your tinnitus is very new. So never jump into any conclusion about the future. Like others said, the sufferings are worst at the first few months and yours are just within weeks from the start. So bear that in mind. I made the mistake when I was hit with a new, ultra high pitched loud T and severe hyperacusis soon after. I was in a mess. Like most newbies, I made catastrophic projection into the future, as if it would be filled with nothing but the same or more sufferings from both T & H. I had relentless anxiety and panic attacks starting from the morning waking up with the loud, screaming T. I was powerless to stop these attacks due to my prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T, and add PTSD on top of that due to suffering the trauma of witnessing the accidental death of my only son, then you can imagine the intensity of my sufferings. Everyday was a long, dark day of suffering. I had to depend on drugs like Ativan & Prozac plus sleeping pills just to survive each day, praying that they better work or else... Those where the darkest days of hellish living I never wish anyone to go through again. I never thought I could survive that and have good life back again. But hey, I do just that. Never say never. Today I live a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life, working FT and travelling often with my loved ones. I wrote my success story after 3 years from the start (consider me a later than usual poster of success story, lol) and shared many helpful strategies I learn from others with some of my own. If you wish to learn these, for brevity, I list the link to my story below.

Don't despair. Good life can be back and your former self will be restored. If a panic prone person like me, with prior conditions of anxiety and panic disorder plus PTSD can survive and triumph over both severe T & H and live a normal and happy life, have faith that you can do that too. It will take some time. Be patient. Take good care. God bless your recovery.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

Very much so! I wanted death. To give you an idea - I went to an emergency clinic b/c I was close to jumping off the roof of my building 4 days after I got tinnitus. The noise was so unbearably loud. I had told myself I was not going to live this life with this condition. I couldn't imagine being a good husband, family member, or friend with these terrible dark thoughts that clouded every thought and moment of my life. I ended up giving myself 30 days. If it wasn't better in 30 days I'd find a way to end it. I cried. I cried a lot. I was put on Ativan for anxiety. I suggest you talk to your Dr and let them know how you feel and the thoughts your having right now. Ativan worked for me when the suicidal thoughts decided to show up at certain points of the day. This was every single day. Thankfully those thoughts are gone.

For your dreaded nights: Can you go to a gym at night? I did speed walking on a treadmill for an hour at night to help exhaust me. Ativan also helped me get sleep along with Melatonin. I took both everyday. At 4 months in I take Ativan every 10 or so days. Melatonin 2 or 3 times a week.

Turning point for me was when I decided to stop fighting it. I put so much time, money, and energy to find the cause for my condition that I became emotionally and physically exhausted. I had been to over 10 different dr's looking for a cause or cure and I was out of gas. I was right around 3 months when I reached the turning point. I said, f-it! Enough is enough. This is going to be here forever and I need to learn to deal with it. For the sake of my wife and family and most importantly, me. Don't get me wrong, it's not all roses right now. I hear tinnitus over most things and it's nonstop. It still drives me nutty at times, but I've been able to hide it more and more throughout the day, as my focus has moved on from fixing it, to dealing with it. As someone said on here, recovery is not linear. It is a GRIND. I took some Ativan yesterday because I panicked about an overseas trip coming up in 2 weeks and trying to figure out how I was going to manage. This caused my tinnitus to scream in my left ear all night. But today is a different day, and in order to get on that flight I have to get through tomorrow. I have to remind myself to take it day by day and not think about weeks, months, or years out. It does no good to worry about the future when you need to figure out how to get through tomorrow. My apologies for the long post! Just know I (we) are with you!

 

I have not lost all those aspects. And I am promising myself not to do so. My wife is a rock and she is saving me. What I mean by being alone is during those long nights where she is sound asleep and I am not.