Don’t Know If I Can Keep Going

Discussion in 'Support' started by TracyJS, Jul 6, 2018.

    1. TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      To all my TT friends,
      I feel very guilty posting this today because I know so many of our friends here are going through so much and are really suffering/struggling. We are all worried about @Bam and hope he is ok. And @Ed209 just lost his uncle this morning and he and his family are surely facing the great pain and devastation of losing a dear loved one. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Ed. And many others who are hurting as well who perhaps don’t post much or at all. I care about you all so very much.

      I hope I am not being selfish by talking about my pain. I know that many others have suffering perhaps greater than I do.

      I just needed to say today that I’m in so much pain and don’t know if I can keep going anymore. Tinnitus hurts. It hurts so much both mentally and physically. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever faced, and I have faced some serious trauma in my life. This thing is horrific. It is so immense and I hate it. It seems bigger than me. I hate it. I hate it so much.

      I yell at Riley sometimes because I’m so on edge. So distressed. Riley is the sweetest kitty in the world. And I can’t love her like I used to. The guilt I feel is immeasurable.

      I have clients who are grieving my absense in their life. Who count on me and need me to be there for them. How can I be be there when I am trying to survive the hour. This is no way to live.

      I have been trying things to get better. Going out, being with friends, being more active, working cognitively to be more positive, trying different therapies, haven’t started medication yet—really struggling with that one. Still searching for a good doctor. But I am still hanging on day to day.

      My whole life has been affected by this. I don’t know where the person I use to be has gone. Sometimes she’s there when tinnitus is mild. But mostly each day is just hanging on, trying to survive and endure. Each hour is a day, each day a month. Each month a year. I’m drowning very slowly and begging for a life boat.

      You have have all already offered so much. I know there may not be much to say anymore.
      I know...I just need to tell someone that I’m dying inside.

      I want to live. I do. And I admire greatly the positive determination of @Jazzer and @fishbone snd @glynis and @Starthrower and @emmalee @Michael Leigh and so many others. You have my deepest and profound respect

      I wish I had the ability to communicate with the piercing clarity of @Bam (god, I hope he’s ok) or the deep humanity of @Jazzer, @Starthrower, @emmalee.

      But it’s what I have got. I need help. How am
      I going to survive?

      What happened to me and my life? How the hell can I get it back?
       
      Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
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    2. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      What you are feeling is natural. You been at this for such a short time. All of us including myself were feeling like this and some still do. I found therapy and talking to someone very helpful. They did not have tinnitus, but they were able to guide me and help me out. Possibly you do the same, talk with someone.

      You need to come up with a plan for your life + tinnitus. I have my plans, I know what I can do and what I must NOT do. Each day has a routine and these plans and routines should be followed. Tinnitus is brutal, I cannot lie. These days I am juggling 4 tones and in the past 2 months I only had 2. I have 2 new tones and I welcome them to the family.

      I will not cry or go crazy because this can possibly get me 6 tones and make all my tones even more intense. Being calm and controlling ourselves is a MUST when it comes to tinnitus. I post what I post on this site because of the decades I have faced this menace.

      If your tinnitus bothers you a lot, then look into coping techniques, distraction techniques. It takes time but you can slowly piece your life together. It can be done, trust me. It's not an overnight process, it takes lots of strength, courage, at times tears. This can be done, you can make it and live your life :)
       
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    3. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      @TracyJS ,
      I am a veteran to Tinnitus and Menieres and it can be hard going and not embarriced to say I'm on medication and that must help in some way as I just keep pushing to be happy and enjoy life.
      Don't feel guilty at all with how you are feeling as your grieving for silence but try make tiny improvements in your life and it will start to build up.
      You have just lost your way in life with the wobble tinnitus has caused you and feeling your life now is to hard and add on depression and just getting out of bed can be a struggle.

      I once was a withdrawn sad,depressed person looking back at myself through a mirror and not recognizing myself as the lost soul I had become and no intrest in my looks and felt worthless and useless.
      Well look at me now...
      I made it through with time and support and made me stronger so I really do understand.
      Your going be alright you know so let the tablets help you and push for talking therapy also and don't dwell on the past and you will do just fine.
      love glynis xxx
       
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    4. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Dear Tracy,
      We all wish we could make you better, and return you to your former life.
      We wish we could do this for ourselves also, of course - but as you know, we can not.

      From day one I knew that things had changed for ever for me.
      I have just had to get used to noise in my head.
      My job is to accept it.
      As you know, I do look at therapies to keep me more relaxed, and I manage to avoid actual panic and despair.
      one big difference is that my T is never mild or moderate. It never treats me to those luxuries.

      As fishbone says, I really feel you need some ongoing therapy to come through this babe.
      Life will be different, but I stilll believe it can be satisfying.
      You still need more time sweetheart.
      I think about you often, and love you much,
      Jazzer
      Dave
      xxx
       
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    5. Ed209

      Ed209 Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2015
      Tracy, it’s still very early days to put so much pressure on yourself. Adjusting to severe tinnitus is never easy, in fact that’s an understatement, but it is the common destination for many severe T sufferers all over the planet. We have to learn to switch off our primal instincts so that we no longer suffer with it. As cheesy as it sounds: it really is our reaction that causes the suffering. If you think you’re suffering then you will suffer. I know it sounds like a load of rubbish but I promise you it’s true. I know this from my own life experiences and from the many testimonies of people on the internet and also in real life.

      To break habitual patterns of behaviour we have to completely change our daily routine. We have to seriously shake things up, but the depression can make it almost impossible to do so. We have no choice but to use every ounce of strength that we possess to try. We need goals and aims to strive for otherwise we find ourselves treading water and becoming more and more depressed. An active brain is a happy brain.

      Have you ever tried cold water therapy? Swimming in cold water can have a wonderfully positive impact on our minds, and has already helped many people around the world.

      Hang in there and vent on here whenever you want. I’d give you a huge hug right now if I could.
       
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    6. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      “Oi Ed - I’m first.......better form an orderly clue xx
       
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    7. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      @fishbone
      Thank you, @fishbone. Your positivity and determination to live your life despite the considerable challenges you face is inspiring to me and most others here as well.

      I’m not quite there yet as you can see.

      I’m so glad your animal loved one is doing better. :huganimation:
       
    8. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      Thank you, Dave. Love you much, too.:huganimation:
       
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    9. Starthrower
      Wtf

      Starthrower Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Dental Surgery
      I get it Tracy. You should not underestimate the steps you have endured above. It took a lot of courage and strength to go and do a few "normal" activities with the friends. I know it feels strange like you really are not there in that moment when you are out with them. The important fact is the step.

      Searching for a good medical doctor is so....hard. I remember instead of constantly repeating my issues I wrote what I needed down on paper. What was bothering me. Everything. I would give it to them to read because I was just too exhausted to repeat repeat repeat.


      I am often afraid to actually write down on this forum what happened to my life. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have to deal with the "triggers" again as I get more involved here. I remember one morning (years ago)....husband left for work and I got a coffee and stood at my kitchen window. I don't know what happened but I was still there unmoved when he got home. My hand still around the coffee cup.

      We will be your life boat. Each of us has been through many horrible situations. But we are here. The reason I let my husband talk me into becoming involved again with TT.

      I lost so much of the old me. And then found out I was meant to be on a different path.

      In time you are going to find out that this part of dealing with tinnitus life will put you in a different direction. And we need you to be here.

      I am also worried about Bam. I know or hope he will be back here on TT. He was so giving with @Ed209 fund raiser and he made an impact on many of us.
       
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    10. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      So generous of you responding today given what you and your family are going through. I am so sorry for your loss.
      The things you say seem so impossible right now. They really do.
      I know I have to somehow find a way to not be afraid of tinnitus. I am trying, but it’s proving to be a Herculean task for me.
      I don’t see how one tolerates it accepts crazy loud intrusive tinnitus.
      How can my brain not focus on it?
       
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    11. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      Tracy, there will come times when you still hear it,
      but without focusing on it.
      It just happens to be there, but you are not giving it your full attention.
      Those times will eventually get longer.

      Could you go for guided meditation,
      to help you relax?
       
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    12. Jazzer

      Jazzer Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/1995
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise
      @TracyJS

      Could you give Riley a big kiss and a real spoiling cuddle from me.
      I promise it will do you both so much good.
      When I’m feeling poorly I pick up my dear little Annie, hold her in my arms like a little baby, and say, “Sweetheart - daddy’s not feeling too good today,
      but I love you so much, and I will always be here for you honey, I promise xx”

      ABD32F12-3F31-4354-85B9-0673F88C014D.jpeg
       
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    13. Jcb
      No Mood

      Jcb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      possible TMJ, came on after severe cold and chest infection,
      Wish I could help you Tracy, If you lived in the UK I would gladly meet up and go for a coffee and give you a big hug. I’m so sorry your in pain. I think I’ve only had this a month longer than you. Everybody has given so much good advice, I’m not sure what else I can say. I know these seem just like words, but there are people here who truly care and will always be here to listen. Try to stay strong, and hopefully we both will wether this storm and learn to dance in the rain instead of waiting for it to pass.
       
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    14. Ed209

      Ed209 Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2015
      It takes a long time to come to terms with Tracy, but I strongly believe you will. Most people reach a point of acceptance eventually.

      I can’t believe I’m still here, but I am. It took live music away from me and devastated my life. I couldn’t see a reason to carry on and pretty much wanted to die everyday. I really can’t convey in words how bad I felt, but it’s likely how you feel right now. Things can and do change for the better in most cases.

      Everybody here loves you; you only need to look at how many pages are on your threads. You’re adored.

      Give it time and try to reduce your stress. Maybe go back and have a heart to heart with your dr?
       
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    15. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      I’m looking into possibly seeing a clinical hypotherapist and looking into apps like headspace for guided meditation.
       
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    16. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      I will give Riley a kiss and cuddle from you.
      Annie is so sweet. I just love her. I can see how holding her and loving her is the best therapy ever.
       
      Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
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    17. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      Thank you, Ed. I’m looking into ways to reduce my stress. I had a pretty high powered nervous system before tinnitus so now it’s on fire.

      It’s hard to believe I can come to terms with this. But you and so many others tell me I can. And I know you know what it means to be here at this place where you don’t know how you can keep going.

      Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️
       
    18. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      Thank you so much @Jcb
      for caring and being willing to listen and respond to my pain and difficulty. I really wish I did live in the U.K. I would take you up on that coffee and big hug. ❤️
       
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    19. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      Thank you so much @Starthrower. I know that everyone here knows this, but you are such a kind and generously hearted person.

      It must be difficult to talk about those early years and the terrible trauma you experienced. Being diagnosed with PTSD it is brave if you to share parts of your story that can be triggering. Standing there all day with your coffee cup...speaks to absolute trauma you were experiencing. How courageous that you survived.

      I will keep trying to be here. ❤️
       
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    20. Starthrower
      Wtf

      Starthrower Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Dental Surgery
      @TracyJS thank you for your words. It made me feel good to know I can be accepted and helpful. I keep getting reminded I am on someone's "Ignore" list and other remarks to make it seem like...oh well.

      I can ignore that but I don't need to ignore anyone on this board by pressing some button and announcing it for everyone to read.

      Just knowing you come back to talk with us makes each one of us feel that we make a difference in your life.
      That is all that matters. You are taking many steps on this path now and like me a few have been pot holes. :( But we just climb back up and continue on.

      You asked how does someone ignore the brain noise. For me it started happening when I stopped trying? It is hard to explain but also the medication for anxiety helped me quite a bit. Don't feel less because you cannot do it yet. It takes time and maybe another therapy will soon be out there for us.

      Just thinking about you today. It is so HOT at the beach where I live and no one has air conditioning in their homes. So we have all our fans blowing now and I am making ice tea so we can have ice tea/lemonade drinks (called an Arnold Palmer) for today. Very refreshing.

      My neighbor has a sprinkler going on in the backyard and her grandkids are having a blast running through it. Funny how kids in this day can be so entertained by simple things.

      Plus they have this adorable golden lab named Jesse James and he is also sitting in the middle of the lawn under the sprinkler and the kids are loving that.

      Just simple things in life that make me smile.
       
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    21. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      @Starthrower
      What a lovely summer day you paint with words in your post: kids running through the sprinkler, refreshing iced tea and lemonade, a beautiful golden lab....those are such wonderfully simple things.

      Right now, I would have trouble enjoying those things when my tinnitus was bad. I would be so distracted by the high frequency hissing in my ears, that it would intrude upon it all.

      I find it so hard to imagine being able to ignore it and concentrate on other things. But I want to be able to do it so badly.

      Never doubt that you make a difference ❤️
       
    22. Jcb
      No Mood

      Jcb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      possible TMJ, came on after severe cold and chest infection,
      Try and not put added pressure on yourself Tracy I know it’s so much easier said than done. I’m not going to preach at you, all I can say is keep putting one foot in front of each other and hopefully each foot step will get easier. Keep trying some breathing exercises even though I know it’s so hard to concentrate and fingers crossed you will get some kind of breakthrough.
       
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    23. Jcb
      No Mood

      Jcb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      possible TMJ, came on after severe cold and chest infection,
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    24. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      Yesterday was a better day. Tinnitus was more mild. Today tinnitus is pretty bad. My anxiety is pretty high and sleep is poor, unfortunately.
      How are you ?
       
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    25. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      @TracyJS ,
      Did you start the AD for sleep ?
      love glynis x
       
    26. Jcb
      No Mood

      Jcb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      possible TMJ, came on after severe cold and chest infection,
      I suppose that’s one of the worse things when your T fluctuates like that, it can be hard as you are not sure what the next day will bring. As Glynis said have you tried the AD for sleep? Have you ever tried St Johns Wort? I’m ok thanks, few down days but I’m ok.
       
    27. Starthrower
      Wtf

      Starthrower Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Dental Surgery
      @TracyJS checking in for you. So sorry but we are having some major work done on our house...uck. I haven't been able to get on line and it will be a few days. Just don't want you to think you are forgotten!

      Ugg..talk about stuff..we have to have our house re-piped which is very unsettling as holes are cut in all the walls. The guy was explaining stuff and a door slammed shut. Argg...I dropped to the ground the sound was so loud. I am used to these unexpected events after all these years. I just have to take some time when they are gone to quiet things back down in my brain. And I always do. It just sucks for about a week.

      In that other thread about over protecting and whatever....it is important to use caution but not over caution. It takes time to get the right game plan. But avoiding or fearing all loudness is impossible so we just adjust how we deal with it.

      See life goes on years later even with this intrusive tinnitus.

      Keep writing when you can. And I know. When I have a good day I never take it for granted. It is just hard in the first year or so when the tinnitus returns. Keep in thought how that good day felt because there will be many more.
       
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    28. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      TracyJS

      TracyJS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Illinois
      Tinnitus Since:
      2/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      @Starthrower
      Thank you for checking in and for thinking about me :huganimation:
      Yes, it sounds like major work is going on in your home. Sounds so stressful. I am sure you will be glad when it’s all finished and you have calm and quiet again. So Sorry about the door slam. I’m glad you are able to know that things will quiet down and you will be ok.

      I had a few mild days last week, but I have had severe days the past few days and I’m really feeling like I might be breaking down. I am only sleeping 3-4 hours a night, waking up at 3am.
      I don’t think I’m going to be able to get my fear and anxiety under control without medication and yet I’m am paralyzed. My fear of medication worsening the tinnitus has me in a psychic straight jacket.

      At the same time, this relentless fear and anxiety is worsening my tinnitus. I live in overwhelming fear each day of tinnitus. I feel terrorized by it. My central nervous system is so amped up and my stress so high. I don’t think I can go on like this much longer.
       
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    29. Starthrower
      Wtf

      Starthrower Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      January 2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Dental Surgery
      @TracyJS it has been a few days and checking in on you....

      Ugg...the re-piping of our house is almost done. But what a project. I did teach the guys to protect their ears though!! They were using saws and welding thingys that were screeching loud. I always keep extra ear plugs and they used them!

      Now we have huge holes in the walls and exposed piping....but just a matter of getting dry wall guy out to repair and then we can paint. It was so stressful going through this.
       
    30. jimH
      Caffeine

      jimH Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      30 years+
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma
      @Starthrower ,

      I would have preferred to do this via a PM but I'm unable to send you one.

      That said, she sent me a PM a few days ago asking me a question about an AD. We exchanged several messages after that.

      In one She wrote, "I’m in quite a battle about it. I have the Nortriptyline here, but am very afraid to start taking it."

      Additionally, She wrote, " I'm in bad shape. I fear having a break down because I can’t get this under control without perhaps medication, but I’m terrified of the medication."

      She doesn't have anyone there to take charge and see her through this crisis. I'm somewhat concerned about her.
       
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