Don’t Know If I Can Keep Going

@Jim H and @Starthrower ,
I had pm's and the same as Jim H,
I think the last one may have been yesterday.
She really needs support on trying the AD as could calm her anxiety and help her sleep at a low dose .
I know she knows we are always here for her but I wish had someone with her to help her through the first few days and reduce her anxiety about medication as at this point it can not make her worse.
love glynis

 

@glynis

I told her that she needs a "take charge" kind of friend or relative to stay with her for a couple of days to see that she takes the meds. I stressed that if she could just get through the first several days of taking it, her fear and anxiety would probably dissipate.

Additionally, I suggested that she could even cut the dosage in half for the first couple of days to reduce her fear of possible side-effects. This way if she did have some they would not be too severe.

Regarding possible side-effects, I emphasized that they are "possible" not "probable." I only experienced a dry mouth and some night-sweats for about three days. No big deal.

Finally, I tried to ease her fear that if she did experience unpleasant side-effects that she could stop the medication at once and that they would wear off. She has a fear of the AD making her T permanently worse.

No one can take the med for her. However, she is stuck in a physiological paralysis and needs someone there to help and encourage her for the first few days of taking the medication.

 

@jimH and @glynis I hope she will lose that fear. I know some of the posts here scared her. That was me decades ago now and I was lucky that one poster stayed with me and helped me understand I needed the medication and that saved my life.

Most people who were helped by using their doctor's prescription for anxiety medication do not speak out. We may as well be wearing fur coats, smoking cigarettes and using plastic straws (a recent CA law banned them recently) while parading around PETA.

We need more success stories not horror stories.

I hope she is okay and knows she isn't alone. I remember she wrote a friend who was a good support was going out of town.

Tracy, I understand.

 

@Starthrower @jimH @glynis

@Starthrower I think I may need medication to save my life, too. But the fear that I could be harming my life just won’t let go yet.

The fear has such a grip. I don’t know quite how to release it.

I’m not ok. I don’t see how I can continue this way. I feel so very alone.

I’m so glad you had that poster who stayed with you and you found medication that saved your life.

@jimH @glynis
Thank you for being concerned about me.
I need help so badly.

 

Contact your doctor to see if he will give you a doctors appointment every day next week and start your meds and he can monitor you the first week after that a week with the practice nurse and explain you need the support as scared to take the meds.
They should be able to do that for you.
love glynis

 

@glynis
The health care system works a bit differently in the U.S.A.
My primary doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist. She prescribed a short amount of Nortriptyline and Mirtzapine, per my request, but isn’t comfortable monitoring that medication.
I am trying to find a psychiatrist who will see me as a self-pay patient. Proving difficult.
If I start the meds, I start them on my own.

 

@Starthrower
Sometimes I just want to scream:
“Please, someone help me!”

The shame I feel feeling so desperate is immense.

 

@TracyJS and @glynis


Tracy, unfortunately, I can't think of any additional suggestions than those that I've already made.

I'm wondering if you might receive more support and useful suggestions if your thread was moved to the "Support" section? I think that a lot more people go there than here in the "General Chat" section which is under the banner of "Off Topic."

Your thoughts, @glynis?

If you don't agree and want it to stay here, that's fine. After all, it's your thread, not mine...

 

Oh it does Tracy. Now the doctors are on time clocks basically - in and out - not spending quality time helping us.
I just got back from my doctor. I haven't shared this with anyone. But the news was great. After several tests and stuff I am clear of any cancer risks. Shit I was scared and had to do a lot of research on my own.

Okay. I was also basically shunned off quickly by the doctors regarding my severe tinnitus. I had to take copies of research for medications and make the doctors listen to me.

I was scared to take the xanax medication. And that is the one that saved my life. I took copies of literature about how that anxiety med was in a study (most have found it flawed) but it did help lower the level of my tinnitus and anxiety. After that I was able to go into other forms of therapies. I specifically remember Jack Veron - who has passed away but had basically created the ATA way back when - and he assured me that in his opinion it helped severe tinnitus patients better than other anxiety medications.

This is what I did. I looked up local therapists in my area. I called each and every one of them. I wrote down what I was going through and what I needed to give them to read so I did not have to go over it over and over and over. I went to a few before this that were crazier than I was and absolutely no experience whatsoever with tinnitus.
I wonder if the expert in the doctors corner here would have some ideas for you?

Yes. It is so much like the shame, blame and guilt associated with my time in a survivor of suicide real time support group. I found the co-relation so interesting. It was almost the same feelings I had when I first got severe tinnitus. No one understood unless they were going through the same situation. And it was something one did not talk about to the "outside" world. The isolation set in. I learned to keep my mouth shut or risk being hurt.

With I was ashamed. I was filled with guilt. And going to doctor after doctor in search of help worsened my condition. It was as if they thought I was....not important because it was "noise" and not cancer.

But I kept going on. I decided no one would make me feel less because I had severe tinnitus and needed help.

This is where we get up off our butts and dust off the dirt and get back on the horse!

Sigh....I know the feeling of darkness.

 

Hang in there Tracy. Everybody is saying that you are in this very new stage of intrusive tinnitus that it may take time for the body to overcome the hump. Right now your Amygdala is in control because you are in fight or flight mode of functioning under the limbic system. Many fear their T for a long time and cry whenever they hear their T or wish to just die. I know of a forum moderator in another forum who told us that he cried for 2 years before he could control himself. It will take time for you too. Please don't rush or question yourself. I went through the same phase in the first 6 to 9 months and had to depend on meds to survive each long, dark day. Don't worry about the meds. You can always phase them out later. They help stop my panic attacks and saved my life back then. Not all people have bad reaction. I know of a lady friend who had to take 1mg Ativan for 5 years. Then with bad advise from friend she stopped it cold turkey. But she said after a week of bad anxiety, she was back to normal. So even with the bad case, it may not be that bad. So why not try your meds under a doctor's supervision.

T can be so scary and traumatic at first. I was in a total mess initially as I have suffered decades of anxiety and panic disorder prior to T & H. So they triggered relentless anxiety and panic attacks every day from the moment I woke up with loud T. But the brain can get hardened to the T sensation over time. Yes, I was overwhelmed by panic attacks when T rang. I was too chicken. But now T can't do a thing on my emotion high or low. I have the same brain. Time will do some healing because of repetition and neural plasticity.

Our perception of T will change over time, and likewise our insistence on silence may also change over time. You can read about such change of perception all over the success stories. Here is just one illustration of how desperate some new members were initially, a desperate post from Neenie who, like you, couldn't stand T initially and insisted on silence or else... But as it turns out, she changes her perception of T over time, from suicidal suffering to not caring a dime about T and even questioning why the fuss about silence. LOL.

I can show you about such change by following some of her posts. When Neenie first posted here, she was so very desperate and panicky, depressed and questioning the value of living on with her severe T. She started a thread 'Tinnitus has taken my life away':

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-has-taken-my-life-away.2737/

after a while, more desperation post about T not improving and not habituating, and crying over T:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-wont-i-habituate.2785/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/always-crying.3251/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-nature-of-habituation.3303/page-2#post-32375

Now after some time, the subtle change in perception and tone about her T:
Mental illness and tinnitus

And her triumphant post over her T in a Christmas message.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

So Tracy, hang in there and don't push yourself too much. Let things flow. Good life will be back and your former self will return. Give it time and keep being positive. Don't try to give yourself a time table or deadline for recovery. Instead just focus on living and use distraction as much as you can. Set a goal, like Ed puts it in another thread, and pursues the goal. Tell T to take a ticket and wait in line. You brain can tolerate T even a loud T. My T is blasting right now but I don't care about it a bit nowadays. Couldn't do that at first and didn't believe that I can. But here I am, happy, normal and productive. Don't give up and keep up the faith and hope. It will come, the day of deliverance, just like what Neenie and many others in the success stories have told us. Take care. God bless.

 

Sorry you are struggling. I am having a very bad few weeks also. I know how it is. I am sure you can find a psychiatrist that will allow you to pay without insurance. It may be harder to find but, trust me, there are more than enough psychiatrists that offer this. I know mine do for sure as I had friends in IOP paying "out of pocket".

On taking AD medication alone. It is really important to have a friend / loved one monitor you more than anything. They can tell the changes from a 3rd party perspective better than you can usually. Mood swings or changes sometimes are not as evident to the person taking the medication. A psychiatrist is VERY important but they are really there to do "spot checks". Basically every 4-6 weeks when you start unless there is bad side effects in which they will either tell you to taper down or go to urgent care. They will obviously work with you to make sure you are making progress.

One thing to note is that a psychiatrist is not the same as a psychologist/therapist. You may want to explore having both. A psychologist helps with other coping mechanisms and should use medications as "add ons" to treatment.

I just started taking Remeron(mirtazapine) myself. I am on day 4. The drug is a little different than other ADs I have been on as the higher the dose the lest drowsy or zombie like you can feel. I took 15mg and I was a mess but at 30mg I was fine. Very weird but that's how it works...

I am rambling now....

 

@TracyJS

This is something I saved on my phone, it’s from another forum from a guy named Bob (@billie48 may still remember him) and his post speaks a volume.
It may help you see where you are and make you realise that we are all different and there’s no timeframe we should aim for!
Let alone feel less worth that we are not “as strong” as some here claim to be!

“Here's my take on it.. In the horrid, black, miserably desperate days weeks and months after onset, I searched everywhere I could for information.. I must be blunt... I spent a LOT of time here, but it was NOT always time well spent, because it wasn't real.. It was a " feel good" type of support, by the well intentioned of course, but it left me cold.. The BEST advise I got was from one on one conversations with people that had suffered intensely with T and habituated over time, but did NOT sugar coat it.. One guy told me straight off the bat.. ..

" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it takes a LONG time to get used to this"..

A few others told me they had contemplated suicide,, and one was very close several times, hanging on because he had a young daughter..

So now here I am 3 full years after onset, and functioning ok... T is loud as ever, maybe louder than ever, but the death grip of dread and misey has lessened considerably, .. However the "negative" people were right, it DID take a very long time, and yes, I had a tough fight ahead.. Those that helped the most were truthful in the misery T caused, and how it was a hard fought struggle to overcome the anxiety and misery...

Personally, I thing new sufferers should be prepared for the worst, because a lot of us do get the worst, and yes it takes many of us years and years, and sorry my good friends, its not a tiny minority.. I know too many people that have suffered a long time, and are still only partially habituated..

Partial haituation is a lot better than no habituation of course.. I still think of my T a lot, but these days, can move on and forget it when life brings other things to the fore.. Sometimes an hour or two, or three.. it always re asserts its will, but I am more able to disregard it.. Life is not perfect, but its better than it was that horrible first 2 years.. In my opinion, people need to understand that habitation takes a long time... In my darkest days I took very small comfort from the words "it takes a long time" from those that had been through it.. I realized I was still in the initial stages, and that over time I might adapt, but wasn't there yet.. I see NO reason that new sufferers should have the facts sugar coated.. bob”

Take care!
Val

 

Such a helpful post.
It helps me to read pieces like this.
Please don’t even contemplate giving up Tracy.
I am so sorry that you seem to have so little local friendship support.
Loneliness - time spent alone brooding on this wretched thing, makes it so much more difficult.
Everybody here loves you.
You do know that don’t you?
We would squeeze you to bits if we could reach you for a real life cuddle.
Keep going sweetheart,
we can all try to hold you up,
and you will get stronger babe.
Dave
xxx

 

Such an inspiring post Karen,
I absorbed every word,
Dave xx

 

@TracyJS I try to use vitamin B1, B3, B12 and some magnesium, water and exercise. Costco has packages of frozen salmon. One of the best stress relievers is collecting something that you have interest in. Many collecting items can be found on ebay. A box of sport or non sport trading cards that come in packs for the younger is so very valuable. Each pack to be opened is like a Holiday present.

Having friends to talk to with similar conditions is valuable. This board has value in this way. I believe that one of the best sections of TT is General Chat. Sharing a little about oneself makes for stronger bonding. There is no one on this Earth that will always be in the right place. When one needs understanding and compassion for feeling down - free expression of that should always be accepted by others.

I keep a personnel list of many members here and I check for status updates, not so much for their tinnitus levels, but for their well being and physical pain. Tracy, you are on my list and on the list of other regulars here.

 

@Starthrower @billie48 @Karen @valeri @Greg Sacramento @dayma @Jazzer @glynis @jimH Thank you everyone for your wonderfully supportive and caring messages. I wish I could respond individually, but right now I’m not able to.
I don’t think I can keep going like this. Tinnitus is worsening and my anxiety is extreme. I just don’t think I can keep fighting anymore.
I’m so sorry.

 

@TracyJS
- don’t fight it.
Just let it be there.
Mine is loud and permenant.
You know that.

Just let it be there, and think of other things,
do other things. Go for another walk.
Let go of the fight. It doesn’t help.

Let your jaw hang, soften your mouth.
Take it easy.
You Can Do It xxx

 

@TracyJS I just saw your thread. I’m sorry you are suffering. More than you know, I truly empathize with what you’re going through. This isn’t easy....trying to climb out of the hole towards the light. What @dayma wrote is important. I’m am presently in the same place you are. I am on medication that helps but very often we need more than that. Even with medication, I’m spiraling into the deep hole and, out of desperation, I’ve gone to a psychologist who is giving me coping skills and is also watching how my meds help or do not help. Take care, you are not alone, we walk this path with you.

 

I feel like I spend each day trying to out run tinnitus. But there’s nowhere to go. I’m trapped.
I don’t think I can tolerate it.

 

I don’t fight,
I don’t run Tracy,
I just let it be.....
Then it fades.....
Love
Dave
xxx

 

Oh Tracy. I spoke the same words. This is what you need to talk to your doctor ASAP. Always under your general doctors care. This is from one older post here on TT I did not include the link because the responses can hamper things. That is why I copied just the one post.

It is worth a try before you reach this point of hopelessness. Yes it means going back to the doctor's office but have a copy of the below with you.

And this is how my recovery started. Step one work on the anxiety issue first with the direction of your doctors orders. Have him/her read this.


"I have mentioned it before on other posts- OHSU has a Xanax (alprazolam) protocol they sometimes follow from Dr Jack Vernon's and research studies on effectiveness of Xanax and Tinnitus. Since Clonazepam, Xanax, Ativan are in the same Benzo family, it would be understandable that this might work for some people. I have never tried it and I wouldn't recommend it without doctor supervision.

It is basically a 6 week program and if it doesn't work then you stop.

Because patients differ greatly in regard to the dose that is effective for reducing their tinnitus, it is important to initiate alprazolam treatment using a gradually increasing dose regimen and with medical supervision. The authors have developed the following regimen, consisting of a trial period that requires 6 weeks and is conducted in the following manner:

Weeks 1 and 2: Take 0.5-mg alprazolam each evening before bedtime.
This dose is usually not sufficient to relieve tinnitus but it allows patients
to adapt to the drowsiness that often occurs at the beginning of
alprazolam usage. All patients should be warned that drowsiness can
occur and that they should exercise caution if it does. Such patients
may need to avoid driving, operating machinery, or performing other
demanding tasks until they have adapted to the drug and drowsiness
is no longer a problem; and they should not increase the alprazolam
dosage until they have so adapted. Such individuals should continue
with the 0.5-mg dose each evening until the drowsy effect subsides.

Weeks 3 and 4: Take 0.5-mg alprazolam twice daily (morning and
evening). If this dose of alprazolam reduces the tinnitus to a satisfactory
level, the patient continues at this dose indefinitely, under supervision
from their own physician. If this dose has not reduced the tinnitus, or
has reduced it only slightly, the dosage is increased as follows.

Weeks 5 and 6: Take 0.5-mg alprazolam three times a day (morning,
noon, and evening). If this dose level sufficiently reduces the tinnitus the
patient continues at this dose indefinitely. In a few cases, taking 0.5 mg
three times a day has produced only slight reduction of the tinnitus, and
in such cases the authors recommend taking 0.5 mg four times a day.

If taking 0.5 mg three times a day has no effect on the tinnitus, the authors
recommend that the patient gradually discontinue the drug, still under
physician supervision, and using a tapering-off schedule as follows.
Take 0.5 mg twice a day for 3 days, then 0.5 mg once a day for 3 days,
then stop all alprazolam. In some patients, a more gradual tapering-off
regimen is needed to avoid insomnia or other withdrawal effects."

 

@TracyJS

I was out shopping, actually at a checkout, and getting some pretty bad looks, when I saw your post.
I answered you ‘on the hoof’ as it were.

I mentioned
“Just let it be - and then it fades.”

If you can just leave it sitting there, without fretting about it for a while, as you concentrate on other things, reading, writing, talking to friends, or even on the phone, the ‘significance’ of it will fade.
Sometimes the volume fades as well.
The whole Tinnitus thing goes into the background.

Don’t feed it with your attention,
starve it by ignoring it.

Sometimes, when I’m bothered by it, I will repeat,
“it’s just there - let it be Dave.”

Try it Tracy - immediately,
Dave
xxx

 

@TracyJS ,
Are you in phone contact with any members ?
Your very welcome to have my mobile number if you would like to have it .
You will get through this duck and we all know right now your suffering so much and need support with anxiety and tinnitus.
We all do care so much about you .
love glynis xxx

 

@TracyJS
I sent a response to your PM earlier today; just letting you know in case you haven't seen it. If you're on right now please send me an inbox and we can chat there. If you're not up to it, that's fine, but please remember -- the anxiety we feel with this ramps everything else up. It's very easy to cave into it -- I know, because I've caved into it myself, as has everyone else here. We have to find it somewhere within ourselves to believe that we're going to be okay, even if it doesn't seem possible at the moment. Like yourself, I'm still trying to figure out what to do. It's a day-to-day thing. Some days are better than others. But all you have to do is get through one day at a time. There are a lot of really good people in your corner here, all of whom want the best for you You're in a tough spot right now. Try to ride it out with the support of your medical professionals and the folks here. There's a lot of love for you in the responses above! When you get a chance, check your inbox, if you haven't already.

Mystery Reader

 

@Starthrower

A more gradual alprazolam tapering-off is needed. At least six weeks to several months, not six days.
Been there with this drug three separate times over my T years.
It one finds that this drug is increasing T or starting to cause anxiety, then they are in a hard place because they will still need to taper very slowly. The withdrawal tables from any responsible source is very long for this drug.

 

@Greg Sacramento the last sentence addresses your post:

And this is why Tracy is so afraid of taking needed medication whether it is an AD or an anxiety medication.
I want to assure her not all of us who used this particular choice had horrible reactions.

I would not be here if a friend had not held my hand and told me the same information I offered to Tracy.

 

Patience and time and you'll get there Tracy. Riley needs you.

 

@Starthrower I'll say this mildly - you post about Alprazolam as in ASAP and you say that you have never tried it. I mentioned that I have used it three times which is also mentioned in my history. It very important for anyone using alprazolam to know that all drug rehab sites state that withdrawal of alprazolam takes time, more than six days for withdrawal at use >> @1.5 X 6 weeks. A possible time period for withdrawal needs to considered as progression of use takes place. This was my message and nothing more.

Update - Since you added this: "the last sentence addresses your post" Actually. That is why I mentioned six weeks to months as Benzo professionals mention on their sites.

 

I know this is not a popular opinion but here it goes....

If someone is struggling to a certain point the withdrawal of some of these drugs are important but should not be avoided due to it. Benefits outweigh the negatives. It could save someone's life. I took and do take Xanax/clonazepam when it gets bad and it saved me multiple times.

Always educate yourself but work WITH your therapist to determine the best strategy for you. Forums are a point of data but should not be the de facto medical source.