Fed Up... Anybody Else Thinking About Ending It All?

@MarioT , a very close friend of mine is a hitchhiker and world traveler and writer as well as actor. So in case you should start traveling around the globe in hope to find a new meaning in life let me know.
Drugs, that's funny this very world traveler has a bucket list of all the substances he wants to try at least once.

Indeed, there's no cure; yet. But maybe an invasive treatment though it's not eligible for everybody and there's no 100% successrate either. Electrical stimulation of the cochlea nerves via cochlea implant. I know, I know it doesn't sound fancy at all but it could send data to the crazy neurons in the brain so that they cease shooting noise 24/7. It's still a better option than a lobotomy, I suppose.

 

@NiNyu You're flattering me, dear.

 

@Vincent R Your post quoted by Steve above is very well put!

 

Since you have become totally bonkers, off your head, turned into the Cheshire Cat please tell me which way I ought to go to leave this hell? You see, hell hurts my ears and head, I never felt so bad.

 

@NiNyu Have you found that button yet?

 

You really shouldn't be asking a crazy cat on the Internet about importent stuff like that, because the answers you will get will seem just as weird as its smile. But since you DO ask, I'm more than happy to tell you that I'm on my way out of Hell as we speak. You see, life is built up by decades, who are built up by years, who are built up by months, who are built up by days, who are built up by minutes, who are built up by seconds, and every second dwindling by is a second you'll never have to put up with ever again.

Yes, the long road out of hell is a painfull one, but it has two good points. First of all, it's unfailable. Eventually you will die, and there's nothing you can do to stop that moment from coming closer and closer, regardless if you long for it or resent it. Second and even more importent: it's a death without guilt. I don't look down on suicide, but it's hard to pull off without at least some remorse. There's always someone who will be sorry, some good moment left, something more to smile about, something more that you could accomplish, and some hope that couldn't be written off completely. Like you wrote in a post above, some kind of implant sending off the missing stimuli through the cochlea nerves would be a good bet. There's no such research going on, but if T-sufferers get enough well organized through, say a platform like Tinnitus Talk, who knows?

I admit that my path out of Hell is a terrifying one, but the death it will eventually give me will be the best death ever, so for now I have no regrets. We could even walk the road together for a while. I'm not much of a company I'm afraid, but hey, what do you think you can expect in Hell?

Save for what I've stated above, I don't have much to contribute with. It would probably do you some good to get yourself one of those universal painkilling tools @svintegrity has, but you'll need a lot of savings on your Karma account for the divine powers to process such a valuable order. If your good fortune is already on red digits you must try to find some way to get a break on your own, and if you can't even take a shower or eat a cookie you're pretty damn bad off. Maybe drinking bear while you take a hot bath? Walks in the nature? If you have no bathtube or no nature nearby, I'd probably find some calming music who doesn't mask the T, but makes sure it's not the only thing in my sound universe. Then I'd listen to that music while I was lying flat on my back and drunk bear. After a week of drinking or so, I'd probably try to do Tai-Chi or Qi-Gong with the music in the background, and then fallow up with some Yoga Nidra. (As cheesy as these methods might seem, they're popular for a reason.)

You see, no matter what you do or tell yourself, you'll still be in a bad, bad fix, just like you've stated ever since you started out here on TT. One reincarnation is no big deal in the larger scale of things, so you can live on just as well as not. While you know you're in a fix, perhaps there's more you can do to figure out just how bad of a fix it is. This is to say, since you can't get away from the pain, you can explore if there are different degrees or kinds of pain, and if anyone of them are less hard to put up with. Unless you actually go ahead and kill yourself, this is probably your best chance to pull through, and saying this is as much honesty as anyone ever will get out of me.

 

@Vincent R ,
You see Cheshire Cat, that's the thing it takes decades to build up a life. Now in the prime of my life my world is crumbling apart, my sanity is dwindling, and I cannot find the way out of hell. Nor do I want to call it home. Comfort felt different.
Agreed, let's walk the long painful road out of hell together. You know, I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of life being hell forever.

@svintegrity is the chosen one. She's going to spread her wings once more and soar high above in the sky. The question is not, but the answer is..

Karma was never an issue for me I could charm karma easily away.
Yes, I am pretty damn bad off right now. I walked on cemeteries. I used to like the calm quiet there, listening to the birds, the squirrels and the wind in the trees and on the grassland. Now it's not quiet there anymore, which breaks my heart and mars my soul.

Music.. that's another element that used to stir my emotions. I could get lost in it, enjoy the waves. Now distorted like the view in a broken mirror. You know you used to look charming but now you can't recognize your own beauty anymore. It's all just off. Off with their heads!

Trapped. We are all trapped. Big deal? Oh, yes if you did cherish your current incarnation, yes! Very huge deal! And I so did. We can't get away from this pain, we can only explore or ignore all the different degrees of pain, again and again. Till something sets us free.

I need a map, I need a key! Now!

 

@Vincent R & @NiNyu this conversation has been accused of negativity and hampering support... and I do see some truth in those claims. Yet I want to thank you both for the dance of words that I just witnessed. I am struck by the feeling that all is not lost while there is such poetry animating your souls. I'll go to bed a little more alive because of it.

 

Well, but thank you. It's amazing what can be done with an Internet Message Board sometimes, isn't it?

 

@NiNyu why dont you want to give Trobalt a go, or maybe Keppra...? ask your doctor...

 

i can't cope T i will try some meds and after that brain surgery .
If did not stop i will suicide.
I will stop it at any cost.

 

pain is real and it " demands to be felt" and maybe expressed..

why not here?

 

It's okay to be afraid, I try & take the feeling of suicide as a realisation that I infact want to live. There wouldn't be unhappiness without happiness. Me & my brain will search together to find this, hopefully with some of you here. The more the merrier right?

 

My therapist suggested using this method whenever I feel a downward spiral of feelings:

Let the feeling happen, feel it, and then try to let it go the best you can. Much easier said than done obviously, but it has helped me. My pre-T state would be to dwell in the negative feelings until the thing that stressed me out went away. With T, the thing doesn't go away so I had to find a new way to cope. And my default was (and still is) to not even feel the feelings--which in and of itself can be destructive.

 

Ah now, this is a very real and very significant way of dealing with anxiety.

The feeling only lasts for so long in your body, then it will go. It's your mind that dwells on it, creates a problem and reinforces it. If you can learn to accept the feeling for what it is, move your focus and let it finish then you can overcome the downward spiral.

A very simplistic solution with an incredibly hard learning curve to implement.

 

This is an important observation. It makes me think about the kind of dissociation that sometimes is a problem for survivors of abuse. You go somewhere in your head to escape the intolerable situation, but then that distancing becomes (semi-) permanent, or perhaps recurrent. I tried to write something about that for @Telis torture thread, but was not happy with it so did not post.

It is related to one of the things that worries me a little about the doctrine of 'tinnitus suffering all being in the reaction'. I think working on our reactions is good, but there is a balancing act involved in how we think about it. In my head I was visualising a bunch of people trying to suppress the perception that T is horrible in order not to react to it. Probably this is not what anyone actually does. But personally I'd rather own the perception that it sucks and feel a bit more anxiety/depression than to go through the contortions that seem necessary to see T as just a neutral signal, and the suffering as all caused by me. Of course, that is a personal thing and obviously balance is the key.

 

Yeah that is a great point. I at first visualized the T noise coming from a messy-but-lovable new creature inside my head, but one particularly awful night when the T was all over the place, my visualization of it was of evil creatures who were locking me outside of my own brain and having their own T-party (no pun intended.)

Now whenever I think of that side of things, I acknowledge "here's that P.O.S. sound in my brain" and if it causes me distress, allow myself to feel that distress, not run away from it.

When I say that, it sounds an awful lot like what @I who love music has talked about in his "Back to Silence" thread.

 

The feeling/owning it but then being able to let it go... that is the bit I haven't quite got right yet.

 

Hehe. Yeah, I have a long way to go there myself.

"You must unlearn what you have learned" --Yoda

 

When one is in 24/7 pain and noise where quality of life isn't there or greatly diminished and my mood button of the day usually applies to most of my days, we often want a different way to exist. We take pot shots - anything as in ANYTHING has got to be easier. I'm old enough to know it's not true and usually fight through my fog to know the same. I understand someone wishing for anything else but T (erroneously perhaps but understandable ... "Death Be Not Proud," by Gunther is about his brain cancer). Put another way, "The grass is always greener on the other side." That applies to many posts I see in threads here.

Most of us in this forum live with (many) different maladies. It's our torture for many different reasons. One of the issues appears from those who aren't close to us is, "Pooh-pooh on you, "we" don't hear the sounds you say you hear, so it's psychological; stop your bitching - it's all in your head!" (smile guys ... and it's true) Similar statements are made to those who are hard of hearing (me past tense) or deaf (me now). I don't look like I can't hear and I don't look deaf or sound it - it is the invisible disease as is tinnitus. As someone said in the other thread about assisted-suicide, T doesn't kill you, so while you may want physician-assisted suicide, it isn't going to happen. What's so nuts about that is in one way or another quality of life may disappear and is disappearing. To me, without quality of life or a reason for some of us to remain (I do have reason to remain - my partner and my dog - yes, my dog) there will come a time when those reasons disappear. Then, we may rethink the reason to exist while others will not.

I apologize for not reading more than a few responses to this thread. Dead is dead and I just don't have the energy at this time. My response, therefore, may be redundant to prior responses.

 

@Brianna , I'm with you! ~hug

Your comment is NOT redundant to prior responses. You are spot on! Those that claim T is a psychological problem, because the brain is involved (like in everything else, every sense needs the brain), simply are uneducated, incompetent and entirely ignorant. Too many people lack empathy. It's a sad, selfish world.

I totally agree! It's all about the quality of life and not what does or doesn't kill you eventually in the long run. Without quality of life there's little to no reason to remain in existence. To experience the agony of this incarnation. And not getting the right meds to end ones suffering is another vicious stab in the back usually done by those that are the first to jump the ship. You can't rely on anyone these days. You gotta do everything yourself. Don't we?


PS, I like your smile. Sitting on that machine looks cool.

 

Thanks, NiNyu: I know I can count on you to keep me "straight." I'm feel fortunate you're there and my partner and I agree with end of life issues.

It's that photo that's in my mind and makes it confusing looking in the mirror. I was probably 24 or 25. Turning 61 is frickin' weird. Just returned from a bike ride and am freezing (photo - I'm on a 250 cc now I have a 500 cc down a bit for age compensation). I adore your photo, it appears to reflect the little I know about you.

 

Oh, trust me, I have that on my mind all the time....Just scared about the pain...I've got a low pain tolerance.

 

U ROCK BITCH ! So true ! Best post ever !

 

@RaZaH I thought the current musicians that wear plugs are okay?

 

You mean like in-ear monitors ? MAn , that can also be dangerous if something goes wrong , not like you can turn away if theres feedback or something.

 

You mean white noise generators?

 

Tell me about it... it keeps getting worse, but so do a lot of things... T 24/7/365 since '78... Severe Chronic Pain and Major Depressive Disorder have been taking over for the last couple decades... In the grand scheme of things, they all trade off as "the worst" at any given time... although I tend to dwell on thoughts of "checking out" pretty much all day every day, it's not a viable option for now... I have to stick around for my family... wife of 21 years... 10 year-old son - the light of my life... they are the only reasons I'm still here...

Find what keeps you grounded... keeps you here... and focus on that when things take a down-turn... Sometimes you have to hang on from one hour to the next... sometimes it's minute to minute... sometimes even second to second... Those are the times you have to dig deep and hang on tight... Peace...

 

I think it's so stupid to be even thinking of suicide just because of tinnitus , there could be 10000 other reasons that could fuck up you're life , but tinnitus is just a symptom , yes it's annoying so annoying , BUT NOT TO END SOMEONES LIFE!!!! What the fuck if you learn to cope with it it doesn't become an issue anymore , fucking deal with it

 

It's dependent on how loud tinnitus is. Last year I wanted to die as it was simply too loud. I was lucky to get trobalt and some keppra. You have to remember it's not just tinnitus, people can have reactive tinnitus and hyperacuis in addition to unbearable tinnitus.