Feel I Can't Do This Anymore

I've been through hell for 8,5 month now and it's not getting any better. Was at my work for an hour yesterday and had to pay and am still paying for it with increased T and nausea.

This is no life. I can't do this anymore. I've seen two psychiatrists. One in the crisis centre who put me on Xanax and Remeron. Been fighting to get of Xanax and succeeded. There is nothing wrong with my ability to live with pain. I'm tough. Had tree natural birth, a very tough (8 hour long) heart surgery, a herniated disk. I can stand pain. But not this psychological pain is just too much. I've lost my father and his brother to suicide one of my brothers has been depressed all his life. I guess tinnitus opened the flood gates for me. I was already genetically predisposed.

I just can't stand this anymore. It's the final push. I've had to deal with so many health issues the last four years. I've always stayed positive and have always been able to cope. I could not ride my bike anymore? I bought an electrical one. I could not do my household tours anymore, we have a cleaning lady now. I could not do my job anymore, I took a lower paying, less hour job. I've been fighting, keeping my head up, solving problems, looking for the good things in life. I enjoyed every little thing and was so grateful for my life, despite of all the health problems. I took up yoga, did breathing exercises. Found my way around every single hurdle. Stopped smoking, ate only healthy things. Did all the right things.

But this is just too much. I don't know how to handle this constant nausea and head splitting T. All I do is cry, despair and be sick. I've lost my will to live. I'm in CBT group therapy for tinnitus, I'm seeing a psychologist for a long time already. I'm on Remeron (30mg), Remeron makes me sleep and eat. I'm seeing a hypnotherapist. I talk to people about T. I'm open hearted. I have the most loving family one could have.

But I can't do this anymore. It's all suffering. And I want it to end. Please understand. I just can't do this anymore. The only reason I'm still here is because of my children. I hide from them in my bedroom when I feel really bad. I pretend to be ok for them. But there is nothing ok about the state I'm in. I'm in hell.

I've read everything there is to read on the internet about T. But I can't find a solution. I can't see the positive, I can't handle it. I used to love music, I'm very musical, I'm a singer. But music sounds awful metallic like these days. I don't enjoy it anymore. It makes me sad. I read every succes story there is but there is nothing there that helps me. I'm not that strong.

I don't know how I'm going to end it yet. But I'm thinking about it every day. And no, I don't want anymore or different drugs or any psychological help. They're just a source of more misery. I know I can't be helped. I can't handle T. I'm just not the right person for this condition.

 

Why am I the only one that can't handle this. I see so many brave people on this site. They struggle but continue. I just want it to stop. I can take no more.

 

Sorry to read about you struggle.
There is no right person for this condition. Your story and my personal experience tell exactly that. You have had plenty of hardship and yet tinnitus looks like the one that gets you seriously down.
I can relate to most of the things you mention.
I never would have thought this condition is so intrusive. Not one minute of escape from it (yet?).

The way I am trying to cope is believing one day there will be results from all the research that is happening at the moment. For me this helps. It is still up and down all the time.

I am roughly in the same time frame as you are. Slightly longer. For short times I experience anxiety relief. Despite the fact that my tinnitus and other hearing issues are pretty much always present. I am not sure why I experience these short periods of relieve. I try not to analyse it.
Do you have "ups" already? Or perhaps not at rock-bottom all the time?

 

When I first got my tinnitus , felt like fell for like one year until I recovered, then slowly but shurely I began to ignore it , i got tinnitus in my both ears, anyway seems like have been throw alot more, try to ease your pain by masking it,when i sleep i put music on my pc , always helps , sometimes i have this funny exercices ...i plug my ears with my hands and think the tinnitus is a ambulance whit loud sirens that is getting far far away from me and the sound of the siren slowly fades away...helps releve tinnitus for a few moments as my brain thinks the siren is my tinnitus. Sounds strange but it works. Best of luck

 

Sorry about your struggle and suffering. Since you are talking about ending it all, have you exhausted the treatments available to you, such as even Trobalt that some members like @Danny Boy has found very helpful to lower his T. You seem to have some symptoms of hyperacusis and your nausea is like the vertigo symptom of Meniere's disease. Many members have these conditions. I had severe hyperacusis on top of ultra high pitch T and all normal sounds were piercingly hurtful, sounding glassy and metalic in quality and very hurtful to the senses. Some members have ear pains on top of that, like @Telis. It is not a easy journey but members manage to cope and live on instead of seeking to end it all. Some members' hyperacusis will fade luckily over time. Mine did that within a year. Some members got help from drugs such as Keppra. Danny Boy has posted about his usage of Keppra to heal his H. I am not someone to promote usage of drugs especially those with side effects. But if you are talking about ending it all, perhaps contact Danny Boy to seek his advice.

I remember having the big 'S' word dangling in front of my tired and stressed out mind too when it saw no way out. But after checking out youtube of videos of people and their horror stories of near-death-experience from suicide, I changed my mind and decided to fight it out with my last oz of positive energy I had left. I even considered myself like a compost, dead to the bad sensations of T and panic attacks, and staying alive for my loved ones. Now a few years later I live a normal and absolutely enjoyable life. I posted my success story like others did.


I hope you will give yourself more time and try to exhaust your alternatives, including the usage of Trobalt and Keppra. Considering many members take a year of a few years to get better, perhaps don't push the panic button too hard on yourself. Most members take time to get better. Some faster, other slower but still hanging on or improving steadily if at slow pace. Even some big names like Dr. Nagler, Paul Tobey, Kevin Hogan etc. take a few years. IWLM has T for 40 years and finally got better with his Back to Silence method. It also proves that people can live with T for long term. So why rush to judgement and pressure yourself too much. If you have a loving family, give it enough time for them if not for yourself. Wait it out and try to change to a more positive frame of mind like many members have to do. Take care. God bless.

 

@hartje5 I know how you feel, and probably everyone here feels like this some of the time. Please hang in there and don't be hard on yourself. Habituation takes time but it will happen.

 

Thanks everyone. I feel ashamed for my post. How on earth can I think these of unthinkable thoughts. I'm going to a psychologist for EMDR next Thursday. I hope that will help.

 

No need to feel any shame: many people have been there. Just because others are handling it "better" doesn't mean you're weaker or not worthy: it may simply mean they don't have it as bad as you. Allow yourself to feel the way you want without any fear of judgement.

 

For I fear the thoughts themselves. Because my father committed suicide it's extra hard for me to have these feelings. I never in my whole life thought I would ever feel like this. Have seen a hypnotherapist today. He eased my mind. I feel a bit better now. Mornings are the hardest.

 

@hartje5 It's scary when you can relate to those thoughts.

 

I wake up most mornings with loud T. I think my high pitch T goes in sync with the high pitch air pressure of my CPAP machine used for sleep apnea. I used to panic upon waking up. Now I don't give a dim. The body is hardened to this sensation, as I just told myself I am like a driller taking an early shift. Then once I get busy with life and start my daily activities, T is in the background. Don't worry about this morning thingie. It is called the Awakening Response. The brain is just trying to make sure we are alive and well as it scans for our vital signs, which unfortunately includes T. Perhaps we can treat it as our new normal. Dr. Nagler posted about this in much more detail:

“I have always felt it to be due to the role of the reticular formation in tinnitus perception. The reticular formation is a primitive structure in the brain stem. It's a "vital sign monitor." When you wake up, the RF checks to see whether or not you are alive! It looks for heartbeat, respirations, blood pressure, temperature - basic bodily signs. It does not care whether or not these signs are good or bad - just that they are present. And as far as the RF is concerned, tinnitus is part of "expected" body function in an individual suffering from severe intrusive tinnitus. So when you wake, your RF checks to see whether or not tinnitus is present. And if it doesn't immediately find the tinnitus, the RF seeks it with a vengeance - - especially in the post-nap state, when there has been inadequate REM sleep and when, therefore, the RF is on already "high alert" that something might not be quite right. Theoretically - very theoretically - this RF hyperactivity in seeking tinnitus, which in a person with severe intrusive tinnitus it equates with life, results in temporarily markedly augmented tinnitus perception.”

 

I feel you hartje.

Having T is tough enough. But you have severe health problems as well. You took a lot of adjustments in your life. But at one point you are just tired of all these friggin issues and having to adjust all the time.
Health is so precious. Now I know that as well.
I have chronic pain in my feet. And T obviously. It sucks a lot. Espescially bc I am 20 years old. I try not to think about it too much. I am the worst version of myself atm. I an starting to lose it. I lost my touch to reality, I am weak, I dont like myself, I have anxiety issues and it feels like I am alone in this world. I too want to end it sometimes. Although you would probably be happy to have my "problems".


You seem very tough, and good at handling it.
I hope you will find more strength.
I am myself in the middle of this battle and I am struggling a lot as well. I wish I could give you good advise.
It is ok to feel the way you feel. Dont feel ashamed. But take CBT, be patient and give it more time.

I wish you all the best hartje. I am sending you hugs.

 

@billie48 For me T. is usually not so very loud in the morning. I thank Remeron for that. I meant to say that the depression is worst in the morning. I'm fine when I wake up, I turn over get nauseated and then either anxiety or depression sets in.

I so wish I can get used to this new me and find my old spirit back somehow. I really admire the way you handle T. Billy. I've read you're story and found so much I can relate to. You're sound is a lot like mine. For me the struggle is more about depression than anxiety. I'm having a harder time with it ever since I tapered Valium. Morning anxiety. Ugh...

@Zora Don't be so hard on yourself. You're only 20 years old. Having T at that age is having to battle one of the most difficult things I think. You're not weak. You're having a very difficult time like I am. We will get better. We must believe that. It's evening now and I usually feel a lot better in the evening. I have to try to remember that tomorrow morning.

 

What has your Dr said? Being nauseous constantly isn't normal for T, maybe from the anxiety. Either there is something wrong more than just tinnitus or it is the accompanying psychological problems which are bothering you. Either way both could probably be treated better than they are now. Don't give up. You never know what tomorrow might bring.

 

Family support is everything. With there help you can get through.