G*dd*mn Rollercoaster

Had a spike last evening. Like a kettle boiling in my head sort of spike. No chance to keep my mind in a coherent state. Dark thoughts seeping in; thoughts of never-ending misery to the last of my days. Sleep near impossible; only through a miraculous meditation in the dark do I get myself into what seems a xen-like state, and simply go along for the ride and then somehow to 5 hours of shuteye.

The wake-up happens in a largely silent place; only lasts for half a minute before the raging kettle is back in force. I know I have a planned day out with friends, and the whole T setup is now starting to majorly piss me off. I get out of bed, have breakfast, furiously wash the dishes, and get myself ready. Next, I'm out in the car, driving to pick everyone up, and a new tune comes up on the radio. I swear, the most uplifting melody I could have possibly imagined when it starts playing. I Shazam it, and proceed to listen to it several more times. Mood is starting to lift up; along the way I discover a new pleasure enjoying listening to the car engine revving up, or even just calmly cruising along.

It's a crisp morning, the sun is just over the horizon, and I'm soaking in every ray I can expose my face to. Everyone is now in, and we're on our way to the sticks.

It turns out to be this gorgeous area; rustling brooks, towering boulders, and everything you can wish from late fall. We're trekking up and down the trails; sweating from the climbs, and gazing at every vista that reveals itself during the breaks. The sound of leaf litter being kicked around is by now replacing any memory of ever having crossed swords with T. Sure, I can hear it if I strain to, but it's way at the back of the queue, so why bother.

Several hours later, and by then I can't tell how many, we're all nearly sapped of energy, but oh so rejuvenated; I feel re-born, if such a thing can actually be felt. It's time to replenish our batteries, and we head to this, literally and figuratively, middle-of-the-road joint for some grub. If you ask the patrons, they'd probably tell you the food is bland and average at best. I don't care; I can just as equally be in a Michelin starred restaurant. Reliving the day is on the menu, and we all take turns sharing what delighted us most. I think it's heaven.

Now the day is almost over, and here I am, trying to make sense of it all. Was there some lesson to learn? Savor and magnify every pleasure, however little, life presents? Perhaps. Have faith that contentment and joy can still be found, even in what seem the darkest of times? Could be. I just hope this day stays with me forever.

Thought I'd share; I'm probably still sky-high on endorphins.

P.S. The song is "Soul food to go" by The Manhattan Transfer.

 

Hi @jumping jack ,
Sorry to hear your tinnitus spiked.
Was lovely reading about your day out with friends being out and about in the fresh air and natural sounds that are great mood lifters and a great tinnitus break.
Save the lovely memory in your mind and know the best thing on a bad tinnitus day is to make the day be full of action and not fall in to a quiet sofa day and let it make you down.
.....lots of love glynis

 

Glynis, thank you for your kind words! I've come across a fair number of your posts, and even after all the difficult times you've been through you always emerge with a positive attitude in the end. Kudos! I aspire to make such a disposition a part of me one day, too.

Life is constantly throwing curveballs at us. Some trip us up; some leave us perplexed, and looking for answers. I think what transpired in my life over the last day had both. I'm absorbing it bit by bit, and, perhaps, I will find something there to make the mental layer of my self a stronger and nimbler one.

To that point, yesterday I read a few of the posts by @RaZaH, and he had linked to an article titled something along the lines of "Learning to not give a F", and had quoted from an another one about excising stress out of life. The first one, while stated in a profoundly profane way, carried its point loud and clear, just like the article on stress appeared illustrative and powerful to me. It's possible I may have already internalized some of the messages they were trying to convey, and I hope practicing what they preach will help me deal with T and life's other challenges, big and small.

 

I've had a new tone myself last night. I had a dream that I was watching tv and there was this constant tone, and when I pause the tv in the dream the tone would go away.
When I woke up to our new born crying, wanting tittie, I realized that the tone was in my head. Right ear, right at 1650 Hz. Never had that before, couldn't explain it.
Fell back asleep for another 3 or 4 hours and it was back to my normal crappy tones lol.

 

Wait, you were able to dream a tone that became real? Tinnitus is truly one frightening beast.

 

No, the tone must of started when I was sleeping and my brain just incorporated it into the dream.

 

@jumping jack

I woke up sad this morning because I'm going through not only my own T, but my daughter's susden hearing loss due to a flu shot as well.

I thought at the Beginning of your post it was going to be another desperate cry and plea for this nightmare to stop and as I read along I started to cry.

That was truly so inspriational and thank you for writing that for those of us who are crying in grief for their losses.

Two years ago I was in that misery and finally habituated when my daughter lost her hearing in one ear and a few weeks after my good ear was
Messed up by a tympanometry acoustic reflex test (although they will never say it harmed me).

So I don't know how to come to terms with my good ear now having to deal with this and I feel I am staring all over from square one.

But what a beautiful story. You're a wonderful writer.

 

@Ecip -- The mind can be a wicked creature. Glad to hear the new tone was just a fluke.

@SleeplessSoul -- Wow, I wasn't expecting my day's recollections to have such an effect. I'm only happy to know it may have brightened your mood, even if for a little bit. You have someone in your life that matters to you, and that can make all the difference in helping you fight to overcome T. It is dispiriting to not be able to find the answer, and having to accept the cards we're dealt and which we cannot undo. That's why we have to keep latching onto every opportunity life presents that makes it worth the struggle; sharing our lives with family and friends, and looking after each other are these kinds of precious times. Even though you feel like you are starting all over again, remind yourself that you've already been through a lot, and that can you find strength from your past efforts to help you deal with what lies ahead.

Permit me to mention that I chuckled and felt amused for an entire minute at your comment. If I were to show the qualifiers you used to my old high-school literature teacher, she'd be floored -- I may finally be deserving of something that's not a D.

 

@jumping jack

In all of the time I have been on this forum, and with all of the great stories and support, I have Never bookmarked one single post , but I did with yours.
It struck a deep chord and it was so descriptive and heartfelt. In fact I had another bad night last night listening to my heartbeat in my once quiet ear and I was about to open up your original post to re-read when I saw your response here.
I've had so many struggles in my life (I'm not young) and T isn't the worst one but somehow the lack of sleep makes it magnified x 100.
And yes, your writing is something to be proud of and I would
Like for your English lit teacher to see how your skills have helped someone who is desperately in need of only the kind of comfort that someone else who has been there can give.
Thank you @jumping jack. Thank you.

 

@SleeplessSoul -- I'm absolutely delighted to hear my words have brightened your skies.

Like you, I find the sleepless nights a great drag on staying in a positive frame of mind. Instead, they leave me all too prone to steer my attention towards worry that quickly turns into a vicious feedback. It takes a lot of energy to get through those moments, and they can sometimes stretch into hours. I've learned that, for me, social contact is what helps me most when I need an emotional reset following these mentally draining episodes. Still, that doesn't eliminate the underlying insomnia, so I did some research on regaining proper sleep, and I'm about to put it into practice. It involves one part meds (which I've kept as "innocent" as possible, and to be used only in the beginning), one part behavioral adjustments, and, finally, some changes to my usual evening program that should aid me in transitioning from an active state of mind into a relaxed one. I'll report back in a new thread if a particular approach has done the trick.

I hope you, too, have some devices at your disposal that will help you get those restful nights back. I'm sure once you succeed you'll find it easier dealing with daytime's challenges.

 

@jumping jack
Your words always are encouraging and thoughtful. I wish I could string My thoughts together as well as you do.
I do have meds that I have taken for years and they help my reaction to the T and somewhat with sleep.

They are benzos, and of course no one wants to be on them long term but I am and have been (extremely low doses) , I have a calming bedtime routine along with careful eating habits and I also have a meditation cd on my phone by Kelly Howell called Healing Meditation. This has binaural beats which help me to relax even when super wound up.

I seem to be able to fall asleep but wake up several times anyway due to chronic pain and bladder issues. Tmi.

Anyway, the nighttime is the worst because we tend to magnify our problems when alone with our thoughts and problems. Panic can set in when the tones are screeching like a warning sign (even though intellectually I know I'm not in danger).

And you are so spot on, when you say the daytime can become such a challenge when sleep deprivation sets in. Thought processes are compromised and the slippery slope of depression comes into play.

Being with loved ones and being in the moment helps for sure. So does going to work, and being on a forum like this where so much intelligent support is given.

I feel blessed for it all. I do have a loving supportive family but I've always had the struggle with the anxiety and depression.

I am an extremely poor metabolizer of medications so I'm only left with a chosen few like the Benzo family. SSRI's will not metabolize in my liver so Those and tricyclics are out for me.

Please post how you are doing and how your routine is working or anything you find to be helpful.

Lastly , I find that coming to terms with the "how" is truly the worst part of this all. Especially since I feel that mine worsened in the last few weeks due to medical procedures. I now need a CT scan of the inner ear as they suspect Superior Canal Dehisence. (I don't want the radiation but it will be a knowing in some sense).

I wish I could fix my daughters deaf ear. Now all she hears is loud white noise coming from it and is struggling to hear anyone in any public place. This is really ten times worse than what I am going through. After all, I can hear out of both ears. I shouldn't even be on this forum complaining.

I also reached out for help/support for her by writing this post too.

Take care and thank you for your words. They mean a lot.
Best,
Sleep

 

Jack, you're getting there. As you can see, living your life normally and distracting your brain is the true cure to tinnitus. It won't be long now until 90% of your life feels like the day you described. Your tinnitus will be "way back in the queue" the vast majority of the time.

 

@SleeplessSoul

You carry a great burden, but you've managed to find a routine and enough energy to get through this far.

Undoubtedly, the mutual support you and your daughter provide each other is immensely helpful to you both. As a fellow TT member I can but wish you find happier times in the future.


@Tyler Montgomery

I feel it's slowing getting better (my reactions, that is). The mood swings have been nothing like I've ever experienced previously (I used to be, and, I hope, I will remain, a laid-back kind of dude). Still, the emotional seesaw seems to be trending upward. If only the downward turns weren't so sudden and so out of the blue. I know; patience is in order.

To those in the new world, I hope you're having a blast of a Thanksgiving. (The good kind of blast.)