HELP HELP HELP !!!!

Hi all,
I got very bad news yesterday. My wife has strong suspicion of breast cancer.
We cried the whole day. I am still full of anxiety, panic, depression and loud T.
I cannot help her. I have big problems myself managing the day.
This was the next hit with a hammer.
Could not sleep, nightmares and a crying wife seeing me suffering and now suffers herself.
A normal, happy family and now I have biggest fears.
Had to take a Tavor today bringing me down.
Oh my god, why do we deserve this?
My wife was the one who brought me through this BS past year. Now I have a huge setback and cannot help her. This suffering is nothing I can manage.
I pray for her. If she will die, I will die, too - if being alive or dead.

 

Martin, you know better than that.
Don't let stress bring you down. Now it's your chance to support your wife and stay strong for her.
Don't jump into conclusions before you have a definite diagnosis.
Do not forget that even if you get bad news, breast cancer is usually the kind that gets easily treated.

 

@Martin69 first get it diagnosed . second opt for mastectomy, drastic but maybe worth it. and be strong.

 

Very sorry to hear Martin, try to put the cathastrophic thoughts aside and and at first wait to get the proper diagnose. I think it´s time for you to be the the supportive part of your family now, try to put your own misery aside and stay strong for your wife.

 

Thanks guys. Yes. Being strong now is the way to go.
But yesterday I was freaking out completely. I saw already the grave of my wife in front of me. Two crying kids and a father with severe T in suicidal mode. My wife is my fix point during my struggle. I cannot help her much right now.
But we will bring family and friends together bringing us through this.
We will have another exam today. Hope God will help us and the radiologist is wrong.

 

Martin my prayers go out to you and your family.

 

Martin if it's on early stage the recovery rate is about 90%.

 

@Martin69
Please remember that these days breast cancer is curable if detected early, it's no longer the end of game.
I work with two ladies who went thorough it and both are still here completely cured.
I know it's a big shock but don't jump into conclusions before you know for sure what you're both dealing with!
Stay positive!

 

oh..my.. God..

I am heartbroken this morning... @Martin69 I am lost for words, really.

But no matter how hard life is, ALWAYS remember that you have strenght in you that you may not even know you have. You have made it this far, you are strong... you will get throught this, along with your wife...

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend...

Biggest hug ever!!

Anne-Marie

 

Thank you all. Yes, prayers would be the best.
Nothing is confirmed yet. We have only MRI and pictures.
But it doesn't look good.
On Monday she will go into hospital.
My T is so loud today, like crazy, even louder than the shower.
Unbearable. I suffer, I truly suffer.
I don't know how to finish the day, how should I live with this forever?

 

@Martin69

So sorry to hear your news try not to think the worst, there is every chance your wife will be just fine x
As regards the t, for now you need to just put it on the back burner so to speak. Of course your t is going to go crazy for a while, while you are under all this stress and massive rush of emotions...when things are sorted, which I am sure they will be, then your t will calm down again. For now though just ignore the hell out of it, accept it will be a little worse for a while and that it will come back down and tell the t to go and do one - your wife needs you..don't let the stupid t stop you being there for her...I know it is so hard, my thoughts are with you.

Rhea xxx

 

We also found out recently that my mother has some sort of things in her stomach that are "neither cancerous nor benign" so I know what you are going through.
Lots of people associate the word cancer with the word death. However, nowadays there are many good medications. A lot of people with cancer survive and live a good life. When it comes to breast cancer I think its actually good, because you can remove the breasts and that decreases the risk of it spreading a lot. I know many women who have had breast cancer and won the fight. One of our relative's had thyroid cancer when she was 35. They took her thyroid out and she is now 50 and so far still cancer free. My point is not to say that cancer is a good thing, but it doesn't also mean the worst case scenario.
And yes, I also know the feeling of suffering and seeming like there is no way out like in a nightmare. Luckily people are surprisingly resilient and adapt to all kinds of situations. I think you should just give it time. It is a very goods thing that you speak about it here and I would also advise you to speak about your negative emotions to your friends/relatives. In my experience, that helps a lot (esp. if you have friends who know a thing or two about suffering).
And of course there are always professionals to give you methods to deal with the problem. Maybe even in your hospital there is a psychologist, counsellor or pastoral care therapist who can help.
Please keep us posted about the situation. Please don't google breast cancer (find a good Doc instead) and bare in mind that cancer is not a death diagnoses.

 

My mother and my sister had breast cancer ,my sister twice, each side ,but here she is 73 ,had her first lot of Radiation on her 21st birthday ,18 months later had it again ,Radiation 2nd time ,but hey she's here at the age she is now ,back in the 60 s not a great deal was known,but today whole different story ,
I had a lump removed back in the 70s ,with my family history to it ,it scared me ,but it was benign Martin .
What I'm saying is ,not all lumps are cancerous ,know where you are I sure do ,even took my phone out of the wall socket ,i didn't want that hospital call after my biopsy Martin ,husband took over with my Drs I couldn't deal with it ,so your and your wife's stress levels will be off the wall ,all normal to this disease ,but it just maybe will be nothing more than a lump,that can be dealt with .
If your wife breast fed your children even just one ,that upsets the whole breast dynamics as far as breast tissue goes ,later on you can get Mastitis ,that I never knew ,but do now ,that could be what's going on .
My advice take it one hospital visit at a time ,my sister healthy as an ox .
Believe it can be fixed,whatever it is .They know so much regarding lumps,not the dark ages in dealing with this.
Keep us in touch with how things are ,hope it's a good outcome Martin .
Go talk to someone ,anyone don't let this drag either of you down .i know I did in the end ,had to for my own sanity .Drs see it everyday ,so they don't see the stress behind closed door in your home .
Think of you and the family ,prayers for sure ,come on site and chat hey .Big Hug Martin X

 

@Martin69, I cannot add much except that I, too, am praying for you, your wife and your family. Also, as others have said, breast cancer is very survivable today.
Do what you can to keep yourself calm... if it means taking medication temporarily, that's OK. You and your family will come through this together.

 

Martin,.., the survival rate for breast cancer these days is very much in her favor if she is within the first three stages: 100% for stage 1 ...93% for stage 2 and 72% for stage 3. Even in stage 4 there's still hope!

Check it out for yourself: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/overviewguide/breast-cancer-overview-survival-rates

 

Thank you all for your good help.
We will know more next week.
For now I try to stay calm. But my T is through the roof.
High-pitched, loud, above 10 kHz (like 90% of the time), oscillating.
What a hell on earth.

 

One day at a time Martin ,your worrying about the unknown .Thats what's sent your T off ,now you get to getting that back to where you can tolerate it .Sometimes talking about something else ,take the kids out do something fun,that you will all enjoy ,think if you sit around you dwell,plan it for this weekend ,but do it ,kids will pick up on anything .How old are yours ? Get a relative to babysit ,take your wife out for an evening ,go with friends .Maybe lift both your spirits .X

 

Hugs and Prayers. This too will pass. You may not think you can get through this, but you will.

I also know many women who have survived breast cancer.

 

@Martin69 My friend. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this horrible horrible time. This was not the news that we wanted to hear from you. You have been going through so much already. We here at TT give all virtual hugs to you. If there would be something we could do to help.
My friend is just recovering from a breast cancer , she is doing great. My sister had even a breast cancer operation and only after that they could confirm that it was not a cancer at all. (does not happen often but happened to us)
There is always hope. I really hope that the next news you have will be good news! Stay strong! fake it if necessary - for the kids and your five. Until things will calm down

Danza

 

Martin, I don't mean to harsh, but now you have to step up to the plate and be strong for your wife. She will look for support from you. Get a grip and let her see confidence in your eyes not fear.

I am speaking from experience, I had a similar situation with my wife.

I know for me, even without T it would have been hard. Do what you have to do.

My prayers are with your family.

 

Hello Martin69..Hang in there buddy, ..I will pray for you and your wife..she will be alright

Huggs and Prayers!

 

Sorry this happens to your wife, Martin. Others have already made excellent suggestion. The only thing I can add is that this is the time for you to tell T to go to hell. There are more important things to be concerned about. Let it ring. Ignore it. Mask it, or partially mask it, but remain strong for your wife. She is the one who is facing mortal danger. Your irritable T will subside to prior level once you calm down. Perhaps get some meds from the doctor to calm the nerves for the both of you. There is no need to have catastrophic thoughts above the future. Things will settle down. Try to take action instead of worrying or crying.

I know a close family friend who was discovered with breast cancer during mid-term pregnancy. She was devastated and hysterical. Her other 2 kids were very young. She didn't know if she would survive the cancer and whether she should carry the baby to full term. If so, she would not be able to start the treatment until the baby was born and that might mean her chance of survival would be less. She was devastated with the tough dilemma and her indecision killed her mentally. Also, at the time, her husband was unemployed and earning very little income to support the family. She was driven to near madness and was suicidal. I had to step in to help counsel her to face up the reality with the best attitude as she could and advised the husband to do the same. After the initial trauma, they came back to senses and calmed down. They decided to face the challenges as a family with unity. We all prayed for her health. Guess what, 18 years later, she is still living and her cancer in remission. She kept the baby and delayed the treatment, and he turns out a pride and joy of the family, super nice and smart boy and he just starts university this year. The storm is over long ago and they are back to be a happy family. Staying positive and strong as a united family has helped them ride the storm unscathed.

Life will always have crisis and moments of utter shock, stress or grief. I lost my only son (I have 3 girls and 1 son) to a freak accident at 5 years of age 28 years ago, and I had the misfortune of holding his bloodied body seeing him die in my arm. I had tasted hell that day and had to receive intense psychiatric counselling for over 1 year. Every night I close my eyes trying to sleep only to have the bloodied scene overwhelmed me. I thought I would go insane. But here I am living a normal, happy life. So when the storms are over, life picks up again. Life is not meant to be perfect. It is important to ride these storms and climb these mountains unscathed. The storms will past. Don't let those storms swallow you and the best thing to do now is to take positive actions to help the situation, not caving more into the misery with more distorted thoughts about the future. Be your strongest support to your wife now, and calm down the children and not scare them anymore with extreme emotions. These are the positive actions you and your family can take. Your family will be in my prayer.

 

@Martin69 -

So very sorry to see what you and your wife are going through.

Eight years ago my wife was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. Today she is free of disease and doing great!

Just like your wife has had to be strong to help you through your challenges, you must be strong to help her through hers. It's what marriage and love are all about. Otherwise they'd call it arrangement instead of commitment.

I will keep a good thought for both of you.

Dr. Stephen Nagler

 

I hope you helped him financially instead of just words of support.

 

You bet, and also sent them loads of freshly caught salmon and just picked garden produce to cheer them up. Her husband George actually asked me to take her out fishing for trout in our local lake when the trout was stocked, because she was so depressed. Every time the float went down, I asked her to reel in the fish and she got some excitement out of it. I remember clearly that there were times on that trip she forgot her sorrow when she realized there were fresh trout for dinner. We had some long talk and wise counselling using the subject of fishing and her short moment of forgetting her reality. I drove home the point to her that while life could be filled with challenges and sufferings, there can be times she can learn to break out to do something positive to change her life in a positive way. Don't know if she learns something there but she decides to change her diet to total organic foods (a positive action) and she also becomes one of the most caring individuals I know. Up to this day, she still considers me like her older brother and her husband becomes my fishing partner and he has become a successful realtor in our area. He is more loaded than me now LOL.

 

Good on you Billie ,practical help and moral support goes hand in hand .whatever you can do ,do it
Never know when you may need it yourself .
Think most family rally around in times of troubles,then friends step in . Where would we be without them .

 

Thank you all my friends. Some of your stories brought tears to my eyes.
I had the impression that I could handle my T a little bit better past weeks.
But this now brought my depression, my anxiety and my negative thoughts about T back full force.
Sometimes my full body is shaking.

The thing is that nothing has happened yet, but the anxiety is unbearable.
I lost my sister at age 13 with cancer. My T was brought up by anxiety after a phase of three weeks migraines and I thought I have a brain tumor (in fact it was a burnout).

I always thought I am a strong person. But those things bring me down onto my knees.
My wife is the center of our family. We live together with my parents in law. It is their only child.
If we would lose her, it would be the end of everything leaving sad kids, sad parents and a suffering husband with severe T.

I know that my thinking is counter-productive. Luckily my wife is optimistic and her parents help her as much as possible. This is good.

I will try staying strong leading her through this and put T aside.
But I can tell you: Jumping from the bridge seems oftentimes much easier stopping all suffering (of course it is not).

 

You really got to pull away from this negative feeling you have Martin ,it's just dragging you down .
Think you need to see a dr with the thoughts your having .
You don't know if anything is cancer,without confirmation ,your looking on the dark side ,yes I've been there with my own mum and my sister ,then my own scares ,if it's close to you ,I understand that ,that's why you need to talk to someone who can help you now.Go see someone ,I would have done ,are you on any meds now Martin ,maybe there giving you these dark thoughts .They can that's why I ask .
Things won't always be like this ,your turn that corner your see .XX

 

Hi Marlene.
I am 99% sure it is my T that brings me down. It is loud, shrill, high-pitched, unmaskable.
It brings, like for many, anxiety into my life. Never knew what anxiety was before. I always managed everything without any problems. I had mild winter depression, but I think many have.
But of course if something happens like now, my anxiety goes through the roof.
I am on ADs and took one benzo yesterday. But don't want to take much more, befause of addiction.
I do talk with my friends. Also my wife was my best support. But now, I can longer use that.
I spoke with doctors, but how should they take this unbearable sound away from me?
I need going through this. No other choice.
Will see if a psychologist could help me.
But I fear I got stuck with a horrible condition called severe, intrusive T.
And I don't know, but still hope, if I will ever habituate.
Nevertheless I must say that the past weeks were a little bit better.
Thank you all for your support.