I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore: I'm Now in a Psychiatric Hospital and Tinnitus Is Crushing Me

I dunno if I sound majorly blasé about this whole thing and I don’t want to come across as people just need to get over it because that is certainly not my intention. I just believe that what seems insurmountable can be overcome.

About ten years ago I had a full on breakdown, was hallucinating, delusional, I couldn’t even tell if my eyes were open or closed sometimes and any time there was running water around me it sounded like people talking to me. It was WILD. Obviously the mental health people were involved, prescribed me medication which I never took and told me that people learn to ‘cope’ with these things. ‘Coping’ sounded crap, I never went back to see them and went through a year of sheer hell where I barely got out of bed because my head was completely mashed. But then slowly I started doing stuff again because I realised that whatever was going on in my head was irrelevant to what needed to be done in life. So I went back to college, went to university and got my degree. I don’t ‘cope’ with taps sounding like they’re speaking to me now because it doesn’t happen anymore, my brain sorted it out on its own.

I guess what I’m trying to say is your brain is capable of amazing things, you just have to hang on no matter how tough it gets. If things can go wrong in your head, they can go right again and if you can tell yourself you’re ok when you feel anything but, then you’re halfway there. Anything you experience is ok, there’s no right or wrong in life. Whatever goes on in your head is fine and if you can deal with it and accept yourself, you’re untouchable because there’s nothing left to fear.

 

Thank you. Yes I give myself credit but am very hard on myself especially since I still need surround sound all day. I like to be outside but we are in the winter season and with my allergies that has been limited.

 

Where are you from?

 

Virginia/US.

 

Nice, there’s some beautiful places there. Hopefully the weather will pick up soon and you’ll be able to get out a bit more.

Don’t be hard on yourself about needing sounds around you, you’re doing what works for you, you’re getting through and that’s enough. Do you struggle with anxiety?

 

Thank you for asking and yes I do. Tapering off Klonopin does sadly not help either.

Where are you from?

 

Vicki, it's interesting that you say maybe it's your own psyche and attention that is the issue. Louise Hay says that tinnitus is a symptom of refusing to listen to oneself and inflexibility. I sometimes see tinnitus as a sort of unwelcome and irritating guest. One's natural reaction is to get rid of him/her, but perhaps the unwelcome guest is attempting to teach us something valuable. Firstly, we are learning that we can cope with the the unknown and that we can rely on our own resources. Therefore we are becoming more courageous. Dealing with tinnitus makes us expand our sense of self and make it more inclusive.

You ask how am I getting on? In a word, I am learning to walk my own talk.

 

Yes indeed, Michael. Tinnitus is also a way of learning to accept and incorporate the 'otherness' of life in general.

 

Hey, yeah that’s exactly what I think. You can’t get rid of ‘it’ because ‘it’ is you. It’s literally your own body, thought processes and feelings. Nothing more and nothing less. I sometimes wonder if it’s like you say, almost a metaphor for your whole life. The desire to escape discomfort, loss of control, the need to be your ‘true’ self, freedom to experience the world the way you want to, a belief that something is ‘wrong’ with you and that you’re not ‘normal’ anymore, that silence was a form of security in some way, and a resistance to change.

I guess the things I’ve learnt from all this are you’re safe inside yourself and your own experience, you have the power to decide what matters in your life, you can’t control everything or maybe anything that happens to you, resisting or attempting to defeat the parts of you that you don’t like is futile because they are always there if you keep seeking them, the more you hate yourself the harder it gets, there’s some things in life that can’t be fixed, and sometimes, things hurt as much you let them. But if you trust yourself, and truly listen to yourself (and I don’t mean through your head or ears), you’ll find a way.

The constant evaluation of symptoms for improvement/worsening is interesting too because ultimately we know it’s futile. It doesn’t matter if it seems louder or there’s a new tone/noise/sensation, it doesn’t mean anything. These occurrences don’t result in a cure so monitoring is pointless. I think what it actually means is ‘I’m becoming more afraid’. When people talk about a baseline, it’s almost a set of circumstances that are acceptable to them and they feel able to cope with but any more than that is scary/unbearable. To me, a new noise or it getting/seeming louder is an expression of dealing with the unexpected and a fear of being able to cope. I know personally since this started, the range and quality of the sounds I hear now are ‘worse than in the beginning, but right now, the importance of them is pretty much near zero.

It really is a fascinating thing when you think about it, the amount of psychology involved is huge. Like how people change their diets, willingly cutting out things they enjoy in the hope of eliminating the parts of them they don’t enjoy. So you’re left with a reduction in things you enjoy and a further resentment of the things you don’t like about yourself because your best efforts aren’t working. I’m not saying that people are wrong to change their diet/lifestyle whatever, it’s just an example of how trying so hard to eliminate something can rob you of things you take pleasure in.

Like, maybe I could reduce the intensity of my tinnitus by going to the gym, maybe it’d work, maybe I’d be thrilled to find that the noise is 8.4% less after an hour of intense exercise. But me, as a person aside from tinnitus, hates the gym so it’s not happening. I’d rather learn to tolerate all this than force myself to do things I hate/give up things I like because they’re what make you, well you. Not the noises you hear.

You sound pretty positive about it all, that’s great. I genuinely think at some point we have to make friends with ourselves again, but as with any relationship, when it’s been damaged it can take a long time to repair. Everything is possible though.

 

I’m from Wales originally but live in Mansfield in England now. If you ever come to England, definitely don’t bother coming here because it’s pretty crap

Anxiety is horrible, it can be really difficult to get a handle on too. Have you found anything that helps at all?

 

Thanks, I will stick to the touristy areas.

My anxiety is general. I am more hard on myself. Such as with the Klonopin. I knew it was bad stuff and tapered down and then back up after my acoustic trauma in December and now tapering again, very frustrating. So more months of withdrawal symptoms. I also have been taking Lunesta for sleep plus Melatonin. It does get depressing to see others improve and while I am happy for them I do not feel like I have improved. But I do know everyone is different. I also have a daily struggle of should I start taking the Zoloft.

Your strength is admirable.

 

Wow GREAT attitude and you are 100% right on the money. Congratulations, I need some of that today . I keep slipping. Gotta keep working on it. Just that it is so loud today and kept waking me up last night. Sure was easier when I got a break for a few days.

 

Hey, anxiety is absolutely awful and will no doubt be affecting your thought processes and clouding the way you see yourself. Please don’t feel bad that you don’t feel you’re improving because in some way, you will be. Look how resilient you are, you’re dealing with things that most of the population never experience and you’re still here, day after day.

Have you ever take Zoloft before? Have you tried any other medication? xx

 

Hey, this really is such a back and forth thing isn’t it. Deep breaths, observe what’s going on and try not to over analyse it which can be near IMPOSSIBLE sometimes. Nights can be really difficult, have you found anything to help during the night when you wake up? xx

 

Thank you. No, I have not tried it... fear of making tinnitus worse right now and tapering other. I have not tried anything else longer term beyond being on Klonopin.

 

I don't know how you can be so calm, blasé, and even positive but I hope I get there soon.

I have just woken to 2 solid tone fire alarms going off above each ear on the sides of my head, a loud high pitch chirping at the back of my head with hissing coming out of my ears. I don't see it as an unwanted friend, I see it as the doctors making me brain damaged, because despite 8 presentations to emergency before tinnitus started with severe headaches, they refused to help me because it wasn't an emergency, and my GP just sending me away telling me to take Ibuprofen.

How to get past the anger and blame, and how to get though my day with these multiple and constant highly intrusive noises... not to mention the hyperacusis.

 

Hey, I totally get it, the anger and the frustration isn’t easy to get over. I remember one day I almost smashed my bathroom up because I was completely enraged at the whole situation, like how could this be happening to me? Me of all people, I don’t deserve this, I’ve got this amazing new house and now I’ve got this and it’s going to ruin everything I wanted. But the situation is what it is, it’s ok to be angry that this has happened because one day you won’t feel that way.

The crap thing is you can be as angry, as sad, as anxious, as suicidal as you like but these noises/sensations aren’t magically going to disappear. And that is hard to take. There’s no one you can take this out on to satisfactory effect, there’s no bargaining to be had, it’s happened and we are left picking up the pieces. But you’ll get there. No one stays in the same emotional state forever, people move on at different rates but it happens.

Calming down took a good while, believe me. It’s just a process, the high emotions will burn themselves out, or be taken out by medication if you ever get to that point, either way the result is the same. From there it’s a matter of looking at what you have to deal with and you’ll find that you can separate your mind/emotions from the noises/experiences. My head has been a complete noisy wreck today but I go with it, I literally don’t have a choice and I’m ok with that.

It’s interesting you say brain damaged, because that’s along the lines of how I explain it to myself to give myself a reality check. It’s excessive neuronal activity. That’s it. Is it weird? Yes. Can it be disorientating? Yes. Does it make life more difficult? Sometimes. Am I less happy overall? Yes. Can I accept that? Yes.

It’s horrendous that any of us have to deal with this, but it’s here and we can’t change that. We don’t have a choice about that, but we do have a choice in how we feel about ourselves. One of my friends came to see me, we sat at the table and he was talking to me. At the end of what he was saying I just said ‘I’m really sorry, I’ve got no idea what you were talking about because the noises were too bad’. He held my hand and said it was fine. I think the real challenge here is to be that friend to yourself. It’s incredibly difficult but showing yourself that patience, understanding and care makes a massive difference because ultimately what’s done is done and it’s you that has to live with you, no one else.

I used to think to myself all the time ‘I can’t do a damn thing without hearing these noises’, but then it became ‘I wonder what I can do despite hearing these noises’. It’s more than I thought. It’s not what I could do before, but maybe it will be one day.

None of this is easy, not in a million years is it easy, but it’s also not over. You’re stronger than you think. I guarantee you that xx

 

Thank you.

 

So sorry for your severe tinnitus and headaches. Headaches should be investigated. Did your headaches start before or after a gym injury? Headaches and tinnitus could also be related to blood pressure or BP meds. Also consideration to ibuprofen use as cause or worsening of tinnitus.

A time line of medication use and injury needs to be established, especially if a head or neck injury is involved. I would see an Interventional Radiologist for a complete study workup. With results, you might be able to receive treatments.

 

Headaches started late November. I first heard tinnitus early December but it went away. It came back mid December but went away. The headaches were daily. I then had no headaches over Christmas. On the evening of the 28th December 2020 I had another massive headache come on. The next morning I woke with screaming tinnitus and it hasn't gone away.

I have had MRI and MRA brain, Carorid Doppler, CT ear bones, Lumbar puncture and more and because all are normal, a neuro won't even see me despite still having these headaches most days. They are only taken urgent cases.

No history of headaches prior to initial onset after gym injury.

 

@AliasM, so it appears that your headaches and tinnitus happened after gym injury. Your doctors may be thinking that a hypertension event - blood pressure, may be cause and that's why a Carotid Doppler and Lumbar puncture was done.

If your gym injury involved a hyperextension (forward motion) of neck, I would ask for consideration for sixty-four section multidetector CT Angiography. Your inner ears could had been initially weakened by hyperextension or meds.

From this, it's possible that an audiogram would show that hearing loss is associated to the inner ear being from hyperextension or neck (injury) and not from meds. If so, your vertebral artery position to C spine may be problem and not seen by the radiological tests that you had. Pressure from this can be taken off with physical therapy. It also may be occipital nerves. Both conditions top the list for loud high pitch chirping at the back of head. Possible that your occipital area is cause and for that a CT Angiography is needed. Try some magnesium Glycinate and warm moist compresses over neck and back of head.

Hypertension low or high blood pressure - event, does not cause chirping at back of head, but it can cause headaches.

Hypertension event - sometimes called a hypertension crisis (just for 5 seconds) can cause a massive headache followed by tinnitus within a hour to 12 hours. Future hypertension events don't cause more damage under the age of 55.

It's also possible that a nerve, muscle or vein in neck is problematic. CT angiography is best as it lights everything up. Test must be performed (timing) and read by a skilled radiologist.

 

Thanks so much. The exercise at the gym was to sit on a chair with a round weight on the ground. I had to bend over, pick up the weight and lift it above my head then put it back down. Repeat 10 times. The weight wasn't even that heavy. To lift it though I put all the pressure in my brain, not my arms and abs which was the point of it. I had an instant catastrophic headache. Stupid me though kept going. I saw everyone else doing fine and didn't want to draw attention to myself.

I went to physio and they cleared me of any neck injuries and I don't have neck pain. I don't know how good the physio is though.

I have a very low exercise tolerance now. They made me do a 10 metre run at physio and I had a headache for the rest of the day because of it. I got a headache last week from carrying half a watermelon. I felt all the pressure go straight back into my brain while I was holding it.

They did the lumbar puncture to look for high intracranial pressure but it was normal.

I am already taking Magnesium but will try the neck compress. Thanks so much.

I didn't realise there was reasons for that back of head chirping. Do you know where I can read about this more? I didn't even know others got this same phenomenon.

My hearing test they said was in the normal range. Left ear worse but funnily, T started in my right ear and my right ear is the only one I have hyperacusis. The headaches though, although global, were worse on the right side of my head. I think maybe I could have done better on the hearing test if T wasn't loud. T was louder than the sounds I was trying to listen for.

 

@AliasM
C spine pressure to vertebral artery is possible. Easy fix by physical therapy after confirmation with CT Angiography. C spine position change may not show on radiological tests as being abnormal. If not this, then CT Angiography will show any problem in neck.

CT Angiography by a skilled radiologist.

 

Thank you. The tinnitus volume does increase when I move my head left to right. I wondered if there was something in the neck at play, or if this happens to everyone. Maybe the neck.

 

Saw your audiogram.

It's probable that it's your neck, not head - clear MRI acceptable for that - no grey or white matter concerns. Not meds, nor blood pressure or a nerve pressing on your cholera when moving head. Don't think a neck muscle as primary. Very possible - greater occipital nerve - GON.

How Are Occipital Nerve Injuries Treated?

Going to another thread as this is Vicki's thread. Will contact you tomorrow.

 

Thank you so much... and yes, so sorry Vicki for going off topic and taking over your thread. Your posts have been amazing for me. Exactly what I need to hear. X

 

I don’t know if you mean my posts or Greg’s but he’s a very smart guy so don’t worry about posting on this thread, it’s for everyone and all support is good

How are you doing today xx

 

I’d be interested in this, specifically the hormonal imbalances and the stress. I’ve also recently gotten a X ray of my cervical spine, I remember now that this is what you’ve recommended. Unfortunately I wasn’t given the option to take the X rays with me... The doctor said that it looks fine, except that I have a “steep” cervical spine, I’ve looked this up and apparently it’s called a cervical kyphosis? She also said my muscles are definitely very tense. She prescribed physical therapy. What’s your opinion on all this?

 

@nocticolor Cervical kyphosis can onset tinnitus. This is what caused my second tinnitus. For me, I was lifting my head off a dental head rest when the dentist was drilling. From this, neck muscle spasms caused cervical kyphosis.

A cause mostly for younger females (gradual over time) is bending forward with a heavy student backpack. Your orthopedist can treat kyphosis, but will give neck muscle therapy first. I have a blood draw appointment, then I will continue the discussion.

 

@Greg Sacramento, thank you for your reply, looking forward to your insights! I'm not sure if I actually have cervical kyphosis (yet, anyway), as I've only found that term by googling. The doctor just said I had a very "steep" cervical spine. I assume by that she means it's unusually straight, as she also said the cervical spine is usually a little curved...