I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore: I'm Now in a Psychiatric Hospital and Tinnitus Is Crushing Me

Hoping for the best for you, your situation sounds agonizing to read and think about! I wish there was a magic pill for sure!

 

Yeah, I’ve had better times for sure. I don’t know how I’m still sane to be honest, I just try to keep going in the hope that something works, but I can’t do this forever. It’s exhausting. Ah what I’d give for a single tone.

 

Just hang in there, I have a single tone but the sensitivity/hyperacusis is agonizing. Especially this morning since my most recent hearing change. Some days I wonder how the hell things are going to play out but I just take it one day at a time.

Perhaps a very infrequent use of a benzo might help you for a short break? Not sure if you have already tried one.

 

Hey, I’ve taken benzos since this started and it didn’t do much and after it wore off it was worse. It’s so frustrating, I literally don’t get a break.

How are you coping?

 

That is unfortunate, it's bad enough that there isn't a cure but to not even have a viable treatment option for temporary relief makes it a lot worse.

Do you have any good days? I am coping ok, I was doing well despite the torturous ring until this morning. Hoping this Medrol dose pack restores my hearing.

 

I’m really glad you’re coping ok, I genuinely think this is the worst condition anyone can suffer because it’s so insidious, relentless and frustratingly pointless.

Do I have good days? Never. Maybe a good 30 seconds if I’m lucky. I just feel like I’m waiting for something that probably isn’t going to happen, but I can’t let myself admit it’s not going to happen if you know what I mean. It’s like there’s no going back, and no going forwards so I’m just in limbo in every single way. I dunno about you but it feels like living in two separate worlds, and you can’t fully be in either because one is an interruption to the other. It’s the weirdest feeling ever.

 

Vicki, sorry for your suffering and I sure hope you can soon find some sort of relief. You would seem to be in a good place and I assume there has been a couple tinnitus specialists in to see you.

What sort of testing or imagery have they done if you don’t mind me asking?

Keep up the fight. We are rooting for you.

 

Hey, no problem, I had an MRI done at the hospital I work at and they only did my IAMs so that only covers a section of my head, the neurologist I saw will want a whole head MRI so I’ll be having that done next. If that’s normal then I’m not sure, maybe my brain is screwed and that’s that. I’m 100% sure this is a neurological/psychological issue in my case though, the audiologist said my hearing is that good it may be part of the problem.

Yeah it’s weird, I still feel desperate every day and cry my eyes out because I want to stab something in my right ear to stop the mental penny whistle noise, and then sometimes I feel fine. It’s nuts isn’t it. I had another time yesterday where everything just stopped and it was amazing, like being able to breathe again. I dunno how to describe it, it’s almost like being empty. No noise, no tension, no thoughts of tinnitus, it’s like going back in time and remembering what life was like before. Then BAM, ghost whistle from hell returns.

I dunno how I get through the days to be honest, I think it’s because I know I can sleep. If I didn’t have that I’d be off a bridge for sure. I’ve been referred to some guy who’s a professor that deals with severe tinnitus and it’s frustrating sometimes because I know no one can take this away so part of me wonders what the point is.

How are you getting on?

 

I sure do know what you mean, stuck between the life you used to have and the one you presently have. I feel the same, thinking about who I used to be and how much has changed in such a short time. I refuse to let this dig too deep into me though, I am quite stubborn so reading some of the success stories on here gives me hope.

A lot of the support on here is helpful too, just knowing others are experiencing the same thing is comforting in a way, as terrible as it sounds! Hopefully time is going to be kind to us and alleviate the intensity of our condition. No matter how bleak it appears I remain hopeful, because without hope we have nothing.

 

Crazy how volume can go up and down. More up than down for me unfortunately. But, from what I’ve read here, it is a good sign if you have moments of silence. I understand that it is then more likely to diminish over time. Gives me hope.

Hope the professor is able to help you Vicki. Please keep us posted.

 

It is heartwarming to read your post above. It is showing you are on the right track to let go of the constant fear and worry about tinnitus. That will help relax the brain from treating the tinnitus as a threat, which then will open up the way to habituation, if slowly but surely.

What happened to your friends is amazing.

I actually know 2 friends who also exhibit similar reactions to tinnitus as your friends, particularly the one with tinnitus so loud that he can't hear people's conversation and relying on lip reading. One friend particularly joked that once her tinnitus was so loud she couldn't hear the fire siren from the fire truck which came to her apartment block due to a false fire alarm, LOL. Both these 2 friends never complained a bit about their loud tinnitus and are both living a normal life. They only told me about their tinnitus after I told them I struggled with mine during the first few months. Somehow, they have a way of accepting, adjusting and adapting to the new normal of ringing ear, even loud enough that they can't hear thing clearly, so that it doesn't become a life threatening thing, not even close, and they then believe that they can adapt and get used to that over time, and that is it. Something we have to learn to emulate their approach to avoid the pit fall of mental suffering.

 

This is exactly it! The constant limbo, the life you had before and the life you had now, the trying to get out of your head but feeling trapped, the trying not to be afraid when you know you are, the praying for it to stop but also trying to accept it. This is what wears me out, it’s like nothing I do is easy anymore, I’m always being pulled in different directions in my head and heart. I so desperately want to give up, but I make myself go on. I know what you mean, trying to keep a bit of yourself back from it and not let it get to you, but sometimes I find the part of me left untouched by this is incredibly small, so small I can barely hear it amongst all the other noises. But it’s there I guess.

I agree again, without hope there’s nothing and sometimes I feel that’s all that’s left xx

 

Yeah I hope you’re right because this is intense now, I woke up in the night and could barley move my head because my neck was that painful and I was hearing more noises than I ever have before, bilateral hissing, the left sided siren and rattlesnake, the right sided penny whistle and fizzing, the brain zaps, it was pretty full on. I literally couldn’t tell what was coming from where. Half an hour later, I was lying with my eyes shut and realised it had all gone again. This is literally insane.

How are you getting on?

 

I’m 57 and always felt very physically capable especially for my age. I loved the outdoors did well at sports and could work a physical 16 hour day if I had too. Enjoyed it and felt good about doing it.

I’ve been getting more anxious as I've gotten older which I’ve also noticed in my twin sister and other family members as well. Honestly, with all that is going on in the world I’m surprised everyone isn’t anxious.

I’m in self help mode. I’ve stopped watching the news, quit smoking and not just cigarettes, started eating and drinking healthier and working out.

Then the tinnitus started and I think that, the shorter winter days, COVID-19 and other issues have me depressed. So I’m struggling, really struggling but I find this forum helps.

There is lots of good people and lots of good things going on. People are more consciences, COVID-19 will soon be under control, the days are getting longer and warmer and help for tinnitus is on the horizon.

Hope you are able to get some exercise. Even if it’s just going for a long walk in the halls. Amazing how exercise helps lift the spirits. Take care.

 

I agree with you, Vicki, perfectionism is probably a factor when it comes to habituation. Perhaps tinnitus is a way of teaching us to be more flexible and open to experience, to accept ourselves and the 'otherness' of life.
By the way, I love your positive and hopeful attitude.

 

That’s a really sweet thing to say, has made me smile, thank you. I agree about the acceptance, and another thing I think is learning to re-trust yourself. This whole thing can really knock you for six and make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself, the way you experience the world, relate to others, the way you enjoy life, your peace of mind, everything.

I tell myself that I’m still me, and it’s just tinnitus. It could happen to anyone at any time and I’m no better or worse for having it. The depression and self doubt that comes with it is crushing though. There is no right or wrong in life though, it’s there, it’s happening for whatever reason, it’s a human experience and our bodies can create it then we can deal with it. I’ve had to re learn to live with myself loads of times after falling apart and even though this is possibly (definitely) the lowest I’ve ever been, I believe I can do it again. I think we all can.

But do I think life will ever be the same? Yeah, I think it will one day. One day this will all be normal and we won’t even think twice about it because it just won’t matter anymore. Yeah silence is lovely, but being happy within yourself in whatever circumstance is better.

How are you getting on?

 

I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much but your commitment to self improvement is admirable. I sometimes wonder if healthier eating would help me but my god I love cake and I’m not giving that up for any whistling in my head.

Are you still working at the moment? I think if people can still work that’s great, I’m hoping to go back at some point, even if it’s just part time for a while. Anxiety can be crippling, treated myself to a panic attack this morning, not had one for a while. That sure livened up the morning. Are you getting help for your anxiety or are you managing on your own?

I’m glad you’re finding support in others and I’m always here if you want to talk.

Unless I’m panic eating cake.

 

I love your optimism and positivity It is such an important part of this journey. I really believe you are on the right path to bringing your life back. It takes time, patience and self discipline but you'll have it back

We live in such a noisy world that I wonder if we ever actually "heard" silence prior tinnitus.
Do the things you love, do the things that make you happy. Don't let anxiety and fear stop you from this.

Yes, you are allowed to have bad days, everyone is... But lift yourself up because tomorrow isn't guaranteed, so live your life to the fullest because life is good

 

Cake one sitting in snowbank outside my back door right now . A Dairy Queen ice cream cake for my wife’s birthday today.

Yes, I’m working but trying avoid anything too physical until my shoulders rotator cuff tendons heels up. Getting old so I need to make a change there too. Ive been looking for a job that’s not as physically demanding and noisy. I don’t want to wake up the giant.

Looking for a new job is probably what makes me most anxious. I was taking something for anxiety but I found it made me too tired so I stopped. CBD oil is what everyone is talking about. It stopped my deaf old dog from panting and barking so I I’m now trying it myself. Have to say I’m getting to be a big fan.

CBD oil is now legal in Canada and from what I understand has no side effects. Some even claim it helps with their COPD. That makes it well suited for me. I probably should be seeing someone but can’t afford it.

Not sure if CBD is legal or available for you but if it is maybe you could ask your doctors what they think. I’ve heard doctors here won’t recommend it because it hasn’t been approved by the Canadian Medical Association. CMA won’t approve it because it hasn’t been properly tested. At least that is my understanding.

Hope the rest of your weekend is more peaceful.

 

I see you're taking Amitriptyline. It has helped me a lot. Within a few days I was walking up and not noticing my tinnitus for several hours. Helped me sleep better, though I had to stop because I was too tired for work plus other side effects. It was definitely worth it and helped my hyperacusis.

 

I understand what you mean about learning to re-trust yourself. A condition such as tinnitus can undermine one's self confidence. It may have something to do with the fear factor; fear of the unknown, of being able to cope etc. The experience of the new and intrusive sound creates a strange and new paradigm that can be very difficult to come to terms with. Habituation is facilitated by facing the fear, bringing it down to size and normalizing it. It seems to be a process of integration. In its own way, tinnitus is asking us to pay more attention to our real needs.

There is a good book called "The Compassionate Intentions of Illness", by Tony Humphreys. As the title indicates, the book describes in a very well written and down to earth fashion how those neglected parts of the self, those aspects of self that at times are literally and metaphorically "crying" out for attention, creatively resort to illness and "dis-ease" as a means of getting what it would not otherwise receive, namely, love and attention.

 

Ah thank you, that’s sweet. Yeah the way I see it is you’ve got 3 chances with this:

1) tomorrow it’ll get worse to the point of being unbearable and you’ll top yourself. Great, problem solved.

2) tomorrow it’ll be the same as today. Well there’s nothing to fear there because if you make it through today then you’ll make it through tomorrow.

3) tomorrow it’ll be better than today. Great news.

I don’t feel anxious about it anymore, I’m just more frustrated that life has changed. It’ll all be alright in the end though. I just miss feeling connected to life because I feel so stuck in my head right now, I think that’s the hardest thing about this. Not necessarily the noises etc but the feeling of being detached. I miss feeling alive, so that’s what I’m working on.

How are you getting on? xx

 

Hey, hope you’re ok. Canada? Wow, what a beautiful country. I live in a place called Mansfield in the UK. Canada it is certainly not.

How was your wife’s birthday? But more importantly, how was the cake?

How do you feel the CBD helps you? It’s not something I’ve even considered to be honest, but I know it gets a lot of mixed reviews. I’m glad it seems to be helping you though, that’s great. What kind of job would you like to do?

Yeah the weekend is going as well as expected, broke my tooth on some granola yesterday so that provided a few seconds of distraction, and distraction is key, right

 

Hey, I’m glad it’s helped you, that’s great. I’ve not started taking it yet because the neurologist has to ask my GP to prescribe it and I don’t know if he’s done that yet and to be honest I’m still very much on the fence with it. The neurologist said he wants me on 100mg a day by the time he sees me in 6 weeks and I feel like 100mg a day is A LOT.

Have the improvements stopped for you now then? Are you taking anything else instead?

 

My mom was born and raised in Mansfield Ave in Ottawa. It was probably named after your city.

Birthday was great. Restaurants just allowed to open again. Two daughters came as well as a boyfriend. Food was all good but no bathroom as pipes were frozen. Came home for 2 pieces of cake, hey it’s a special event right.

I’m trying to get back into the electronics industry. I did that for 20 years. It was an hour commute to Ottawa which I wasn’t fond of but the roads are better now.

Sorry to hear about your tooth. Hope it’s not causing you too much discomfort. How are the meals?

 

Yes 100mg is a lot but it's commonly used at that dose to treat depression.

My hyperacusis has continues to slowly improve, as has my tinnitus though I got careless lately and it's been loud again for the past month or so. I credit vitamin Bs and NAC with helping keep my spikes under control.

 

@Vicki3116 she has no right to say that to you, who is she to predict your future?

 

You shouldn’t want a single tone. Single tones are not good, they don’t show the capability to change or go away. Any fluctuation and change in tinnitus is good, it shows that it can go away. If you had a solid “EEEEE” it would be very concerning...

 

Mine changes from a solid high pitch ring, to a hiss, high pitched static, waterfall of tiny shards of glass, low tone ring (usually when I put my head down on the pillow). It makes it hard to habituate but it is good news that it may mean there is hope. I need hope. I'm not coping with a life of tinnitus at all.

 

Hey, I’m sorry you’re struggling but I’ve gotta tell you... you are coping. You’re not dead so in some way you are coping. You’re probably grieving your previous life and wishing things were different, praying for it to all go away and everything like that, but you are coping. Don’t forget to give yourself some credit here. This is absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever gone through, the changes and mood swings are horrible and exhausting when all you want is for it to be over but don’t forget, the changes don’t mean anything. Every time you question whether this change is good or bad, you’re putting your energy and attention on the thing you don’t want. These sounds and sensations aren’t real, they don’t mean anything and the more you read in to it, the more confused you’re going to be because you’re seeking an answer that isn’t there. It is what it is, it’s happening for whatever reason and you can’t switch it off right now but you can ignore it. The noises in my head are wild this morning, well I think they’re in my head but ultimately I don’t care. I’m not going to get my life back by examining every single second of every day to see if things are better or worse.

I genuinely don’t think people fear tinnitus, I think it’s the loss of control and the loss of your sense of self. You don’t need control of your tinnitus because that would mean it’s important. Would it be nice if it wasn’t there? Yes, but not caring if it is or isn’t is the same thing. And your sense of self? That’s recoverable. I know what you mean about having hope, but everything you need is inside you. You can do this, the person you are will outlast the fear and the frustration and one day you’ll get up and not give your ears/brain a second thought because you’ll feel like you again and none of this will matter. Deep breaths, you’re going to be ok.

I’m always here if you want to talk xx