I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore: I'm Now in a Psychiatric Hospital and Tinnitus Is Crushing Me

Hey, trust me when I say I’ve wished for a single tone instead of the maybe 6 at once I’ve had. Something constant has seemed like a dream at times, but ultimately it’s all just noise. Is one or six better? Neither, because one or six is the same thing, illusory sound. Do I wish it’d all go away? Yeah, but I’m going to make it not matter either way. I’m not going to live my life for these weird noises and feelings. I’m not scared anymore, it can do what it wants, I don’t care.

No that’s not true, I am scared. I am absolutely terrified that I’m going to miss everything good in my life and surrender my whole personality because I’m so wrapped up in something I can’t control. That’s what really scares me. Not that I might hear something that isn’t there.

 

Hey, how’s it going? How are you feeling?
Any luck with the job hunting?

Yeah tooth is all fixed now but I’ve just had cake for breakfast because it’s soft. You can’t be too careful right?!

 

Trust me I feel your pain.. I’ve been dealing with this for just over a year and I can’t say it’s gotten that much easier. I still ask why this happened, why I have to go through this, why can’t I just be normal again. Everything about this has been a curse to my life. I’ve never hated anything so much, but I’m no longer traumatized by it. I’m just plain sick of it and disgusted with it. I never had suicidal thoughts until this happened to me. But the way I look at it is that as time keeps pressing forward I keep getting that much closer to getting back to normal... although normal seems like such a fantasy sometimes.

 

To Tara Lyons:

I have recently had such spikes that demolished all of my coping strategies that when I was parked in my car I was so loudly shouting obscenities that (even with the windows rolled up) a few people heard and approached and asked if I required help. With total embarrassment I assured them that I was "fine" (although I was at an unprecedented pitch of insanity that reminded me of the mental states of torture victims I had read of).

I cautioned myself that unconditionally I could no longer "let go" like this in public; imagine if bystanders called the Police about a berserk, shouting man who was frightening them and I was forcibly taken to a Hospital Mental Ward.

 

I know 100% where you are coming from. I’ve had it for 4 years or more but got really loud a few months ago and has since settled down enough that I’m not thinking really bad thoughts. Don’t want to go there. The more I read the more optimistic I am about the brain somehow adjusting. I truly believe that a cure for many is just around the corner.

Thank God for Science. My life would have been completely miserable and I would probably be dead now if not for science. Born with severe allergies, asthma and eczema the first 10 years of my life I suffered, but honestly my parents suffered worse. I almost died a few times. Everything is totally under control now thanks to advances in medicine.

My daughter just got accepted into Health Sciences with a couple of the universities offering to pay for her to attend. I’m crying I’m so proud. Shopping for graduation dress with mom yesterday.

I’m doing ok today despite the old refrigerator running in my head. Wish there was some cake in it. Really try and focus on the good and think positive. It’s the only way.

Tough to stay positive trying to find a new job but I’m trying. Hope you both have a good quiet weekend.

 

Bless you, it sounds like you had a really rough start. But yeah, you’re still here.

It sounds to me like you’re doing just fine, and I’m really pleased for your daughter! That’s great news.

The fact that you cried over being so proud of her shows you’re still in there, no amount of noise is going to change the fact that you’re her Dad. And these are the things we need to hang on to xx

 

This is very true. Mine's been fluctuating for about 5 years now for better or for worse, but the 3:30 AM single tones are killer. I'll take a chorus of crickets and cicadas over blaring alarm any day.

 

What caused your tinnitus?

 

Fluctuations may be ‘encouraging’ but in my case, things have gotten a lot ‘worse’ from the single tone I had in the beginning.

This thing about single tones are the worst, there’s no improvement possible etc I don’t buy it. Absolutely no one knows how any of this is going to work out for any of us because it’s just too unpredictable. It may seem like this forum provides proof of things that can improve and things that can’t, but remember this is a very small proportion of people who have this condition. I genuinely don’t think it matters what your noise/noises are, what it all comes down to is do you care?

The other morning I woke up with the siren on the left, the hissing and mental whistle on the right, the brain zaps and a really weird static at the base of my skull. I have literally never heard anything like it. So I turned over and went back to sleep. There is no point analysing it because it’s there, it’s weird and it’s inconsequential. My head was making weird noises, that’s all. Anything beyond that is fear and I’m sick of being afraid of my own head.

 

No one knows, but I do have hearing loss. I had hearing loss for many years without tinnitus, then got an infection and it started out of the blue. I've read your posts and mine's pretty much the same -- buzzy and reactive. Luckily after so many years of this I'm able to listen to music, watch TV and tolerate noise better.

 

I agree, negative association and anxiety is the driving factor in the chronicity of perception of tinnitus. The more negative attention and anxiety we give to the sound, which is doing its own thing, the more we give away our own power and hand it over to the tinnitus. We deplete our own reserves of energy. The more reason and calm thought we can bring to the situation we can help diminish our sometimes out of control emotional reactivity. Reactivity is keeping the endless cycle of distress in motion and undermining our confidence and self-belief.

 

Completely agree! I think this is why I’m not afraid anymore because I know the more afraid of it I am, the worse it’s going to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still majorly sad and annoyed that it’s there all day every day and I have to force myself to concentrate now where as it was so easy before, but I’m not afraid. There’s times I forget I have it though, even when I’m clearly hearing it, so maybe it’s my own psyche and attention that’s the issue. I’m sure that’ll improve in time though.

And you know the thing that bugs me most about this? The BOREDOM. It is so boring to live the same day over and over again, life just feels so incredibly flat when you’re stuck in your head.

How are you getting on?

 

Well said Peter Q. Tinnitus is an integral part of our mental and emotional well being and one of the best ways to manage it, is keeping negative thinking and anxiety under control. This isn't easy and sometimes medication, counselling and sound therapy are needed to achieve this.

 

@BuzzyBee is it just one tone, and volume, or is it a variation of tones and volumes?

 

I hope you don’t mind me saying this but it seems to me you’re still massively caught up in wanting this to go away and are trying to find anyone who’s just like you in the hope that they tell you one day they woke up one day and it’d gone. But here’s the thing, you’re not going to find it. Not because I don’t believe it’ll never go away, but no one is going to be exactly like you.

The real kicker in all this is no one can make you feel better, no one can make you feel that your life is worth living in this situation. No one can change what you experience or how you feel, it’s all on you and I know firsthand how soul destroying that is. I can’t count the amount of times my son nearly lost his Mum over this crazy ordeal.

But here’s the other thing. It can get better. A few months ago I was in hospital and it took every bit of resolve I had left to not throw myself in front of a bus when they let me out for my daily walk. But now, I’m just about to have a bath in my silent bathroom in the house of my dreams that I went to university to get a degree so that I could afford it, to give my son some security in his future and next week I’m going to speak to my workplace about going back to work because although I hate that this happened to me, I don’t hate myself anymore. My whole life is still there, I’m just as capable as I was before if I let myself be and let go of the self hatred/frustration.

You can’t ignore something by staring at it all the time. It’s like seek and you shall find. You hear noises in your head. Whether that matters is 100% up to you. I might sound really chilled about the whole thing but trust me when I say this is the single most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. But today, I don’t care. I’ve had a lie-in in my silent bedroom, been for a walk in a near silent forest and now I’m going to have a bath. Exactly as I planned living in this house to be because I’ll be damned if something I can’t control is going to ruin what I worked so hard for. I deserve better than to live in fear and frustration, so I’m not going to do it anymore, whatever that sounds like.

 

You are truly admirable for your fortitude and strength. I am a little over a year and am still on benzodiazepines... tapering... and sound therapy. If I may ask, are you currently taking a antidepressant or some sort?

Thanks,
KWC

 

It's all kinds of tones and varying levels of volume. I'm having a difficult time with sleeping lately (which strangely wasn't a problem the first few years), so I'm trying to find ways to solve that issue.

Please don't be discouraged when people tell you to just accept it and move on. Yes, that is part of the process but it doesn't happen naturally to everyone in a matter of months. My doctor told me I'd start feeling better in two years, which was a relief because I'd come on the forum and see all these people feeling better and accepting it and moving on in a matter of months. Also, I don't think it's some act of superior will or "firm resolve" that allows some to just ignore it and go forth. You should definitely put some effort into thinking positively, acceptance, etc. but don't beat yourself up for listening to the noises or worrying about it. Just try to find a distraction. And that of course is different for everyone.

You'll have good days, you'll have bad (and VERY bad) days. Slowly you'll start doing things you couldn't do before, but unfortunately the healing process is non-linear.

 

You should open a tinnitus clinic, seriously. I would be your first patient

 

Seems like you are doing much better . That’s awesome! So to what do you attribute your feeling better?

 

Not giving a fuck anymore.

Excuse the language.

I can’t ask anyone to take all this away or magically change me back to who I was 7 months ago, but I can make it through the day, tell my son I love him, eat cake, sleep, speak to my friends, appreciate the fact I’ve got a beautiful house and maybe that’s enough for today.

 

Come to my house, we can do it here. Even better if you can paint because I’ve still not decorated the house since moving in.

 

That’s a really sweet thing to say, thank you. No I’m not taking anything at the moment but the neurologist wants me to start on Amitriptyline and I’m still not sure about it, might have the MRI first and see if there’s actually anything wrong with my brain that he can see. If my brain looks normal I’ll think about it but medication scares me, always has done.

If the benzos help then that’s good, whatever it takes to get through the day. Do whatever you need to, there’s nothing wrong with doing what you need to do. Are you feeling better after a year of that plan? I truly hope so because this condition is vile xx

 

Cake is life. I just enjoyed some devilishly good red velvet.

It's definitely tough looking back sometimes but there are still some great aspects to life despite our ailments like loved ones and... cake. Hehe.

 

Thank you for asking. Benzos helped anxiety initially then I was tapering but a event with the smoke alarms in December I up dosed. So I am tapering again. One side effect of tapering benzos is increased tinnitus!

I have some other issues I had/have to with TMJ, etc. and my tinnitus is somatic as I can manipulate the sound by pushing my jaw forward, etc. My tinnitus is in my right ear only and is like a high pitch continuous static. I am not sure I would say feeling better but trying to manage/cope. Each day is a struggle but I keep going. I also use a lot of background sound for distraction. Medication scares me as well. I was prescribed both Effexor XR and Zoloft but have been scared to try either one. You are right, this is definitely a vile condition.

 

I’m certainly with you on being cautious about taking medications. Especially those that work on the brain. I would want to have researched it thoroughly, be desperate for help and have real trust my doctors.

Are you feeling pretty good about your doctors? I get concerned some doctors just have so much to have to know and so little time to spend with each patient. Lots of similar medical opinions would help me feel more comfortable. Maybe I’m just not very trusting.

You work in a hospital so you must have lots of your own thoughts on that. Maybe you even know who the better doctors are. Like everything else some have to be better than others. I’ll take the best please. It’s not my car they are working on.

 

On my shelf I have Lyrica, Xanax, Endep and more, all which have been prescribed and I am told are "safe" to take. They all work on the brain. I am done with doctors. They have left me feeling traumatised and abused. I have booked in with a naturopath for Wednesday. Hoping for some insight from them.

 

I’m sorry you had that setback in December, but you’re still here and you’re still going. I hope you’re giving yourself loads of credit for that. Is there anything you enjoy doing? I know enjoyment doesn’t come easy when you feel so consistently low, I just wonder if there’s anything that makes the day easier? xx

 

Yeah medication is a tricky one, I know some people use it to deal with the emotional side of things and that’s great, I genuinely think people should do whatever they need to to make it through. For me I’m not sure because I can sleep ok and I’m not suicidally depressed anymore so I don’t know. There’s clearly something bizarre happening in my brain but I don’t know if tablets will help.

Yeah I trust the doctors I see, I trust they do their best for me but at the same time they’re only human and can only work with the tools available which is usually medication. There is without a doubt a massive variation in doctors, but sometimes I wonder if it matters with this, the most anyone can do is give you antidepressants and that’s pot luck in itself. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll end up taking it, or maybe one day they’ll find an actual cure.

Unless it is actually MS and then I’ll be in a whole new realm of unexpected adventure. I’d be very surprised if it was that though.

How is the job hunt going? Any other news? xx

 

I get your frustration and most medication is safe, but there’s absolutely no way of knowing how it’s going to affect you personally. Like penicillin, total wonder drug, saved loads of people’s lives, it’s obviously generally safe but I’m allergic to it. It’s the same with all the other drugs, and the bummer is you don’t know the effect until you take it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti medication at all, I’ve got a few benzos and sleeping tablets around for if things get really rough and I know people can and do feel better on regular medication, it’s all personal choice.

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience with the doctors, it’s incredibly hard when you just want to feel better and any attempt at doing so makes things worse.

The naturopath sounds interesting, what do they do? Have you tried anything like that before? It’s not something I’m familiar with.

I don’t know where you are in the world but I hope you have a better day/night xx

 

Not sure if that was aimed at me, I can’t tell but I’m not saying that anyone has to just accept it and move on. All I’m saying is you have to be honest with yourself and accept that you’re going to have to deal with this today, tomorrow and for the foreseeable. Just because I’m not afraid anymore, it doesn’t mean my quality of life is anywhere near what it was. I made shortbread for my son the other day before I went to see him, took me an hour and I could barely concentrate on a 3 ingredient recipe. Once it was done I sat in the dining room with my head on the table because I was mentally and nervously exhausted. Then I went to see him the next day, cried like a baby on my way home because I know exactly how difficult things can be now and how much my life has changed. The noises were so loud, I felt completely depressed and wanted to smash my head in. It’s all part of the process though, I respect and accept the feelings.

But what I’m saying is this. Yes these things occur and life is not as easy as it was and I’ve gone from frequently working crazy shifts as a radiographer to barely being able to make shortbread, I know exactly what I’ve lost in my life, it’s made clear every day. But trying to cure or push away your experience is only going to make this worse. I am in no way saying it’s easy, and absolutely none of this has come naturally, I have never had to work so hard to keep my head together. It is exhausting, if you presented me with a button to return me to my old life I’d press it so quick you wouldn’t see my hand move.

So don’t get me wrong, the pain and the frustration and the grief is very very real, but there’s always a choice. You either focus on what you’ve lost, or you accept that life is difficult for now and press on. All I’m saying is I’m going to choose to live in today, the past has gone, I miss it, it upsets me but that shortbread isn’t going to make itself.