I Feel Like I Am Done Here

Discussion in 'Support' started by RaZaH, Sep 29, 2015.

tinnitus forum
    1. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      I know, been here long enough to know, this post is pointless, guess I am just venting .
      I just need a place where I can say this "out loud" as it were

      For the first time since this whole nightmare started I feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

      Not like I "can't" , I know I can ...just feel like I don't "want" to anymore.
      Its weird, I am a fighter ...but something changed ?
      Maybe I need to do something extravagant to make the fight worth it ?
      Go save the whales or something ? :p

      So yeah ...Im kinda fucked today.
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
      • Agree Agree x 2
    2. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi ,
      Please don't give in to this horrid ear problem .
      Keep fighting with us all on here for a happy future.
      You are very welcome phone me if in the UK and always here for you.
      When the days get tough the tough get going ,remember to push for all the good things in life .
      See your doctor if need medical help to get through the down times but enjoy everything you can as we need push that extra bit harder to enjoy life.
      Try not be to hard on your self and hope you get some good days soon..
      Keep posting for support....lots of love glynis
       
      • Like Like x 4
    3. valeri

      valeri Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2011
      Same here:(
      I don't even know what keeps me going!
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
      • Hug Hug x 2
    4. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      I am sorry for being a downer ...its one of these days . Waiting on my trobalt prescription.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    5. Enrique
      Dreaming

      Enrique Member

      Location:
      San Diego, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/20/2014
      You have bad days and then you have decent days. One day, just one day it will actually get better. Keep that hope and try to be patient. In the meantime, find a routine. This is the best thing to make the days pass for me. I still struggle with this T and hearing loss everyday! What I miss most is being able to sleep silently (or my perception of silence before this intrusive T). ALso, don't give in. If one of us loses the battle to T, we all lose a part of that hope that one day it will get better. Goodluck man!
       
      • Like Like x 3
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    6. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      I know what you mean , its year 3 for me ,summer was pretty good and it actually got a bit better .
      But then it got worse again and I am tired, super tired.
      My T is insane every time I wake up ...that is so draining that I cannot even put it into words.
      Even if I just got break while waking up I would be 50% better.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
      • Agree Agree x 1
    7. valeri

      valeri Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2011
      @RaZaH
      Are you going to try rtg again ?
       
    8. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      yes.
       
    9. SoulStation
      No Mood

      SoulStation Member Ambassador Team Tech

      Location:
      New York
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise / Possible Medication
      Hey man... You are strong and you will make it through this. I had a new tone added over the summer and have been struggling with depression over this thing but we have to keep going. There is too much to life to give up even given our pain.
      If you want to vent to another musician pm me as I understand the struggles that we face. Not to say nobody else faces the same thing.
       
      • Like Like x 4
    10. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      Feeling a bit better today , thanks for being here guys .
      Love.
       
      • Like Like x 1
      • Hug Hug x 1
    11. Martin69
      Artistic

      Martin69 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      (Health) Anxiety
      @RaZaH
      I know what you mean. Every day.
      Had a quieter day yesterday. But bad headache and cold.
      Today woke up with screaming T.
      Made breakfast for my kids, took a Trobalt (just one 100mg), put crickets into my ears and tried sleeping for another hour. T came down again for whatever reason.
      I can hear it all time and it takes much energy. Working is possible only from home because of anxiety.
      It sucks man. No joy, no happiness, just coping.
      But I am sure, sooner or later they will find something to calm down our hyperactive nerves.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
      • Hug Hug x 2
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    12. valeri

      valeri Member Benefactor Team Awareness

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2011
      You are very lucky if only 100mg of rtg helps your tinnitus :)
      Good news I guess!
       
    13. Mike82
      Wishful

      Mike82 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2014
      Hard to believe you can say this as an Iceland fan?!

      It's like... I can almost believe it if you were a fan of a team in the English Premier League. What with your teams being handed their dignity to them on a daily basis, unable to win even the simplest of UEFA Champions League ties.

      But Iceland? Aren't you guys only a few games away from winning EURO 2016 and being labelled the greatest underdog team in the history of sport?

      I dunno, but I'd be sticking around to watch your boys dish out a Nordic hammering in France in 2016. Maybe that's just me!
       
      • Like Like x 1
    14. Lorenzo74
      Mellow

      Lorenzo74 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Italy
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013
      Hey @RaZaH

      I think everyone is entitled to a good old rant every now and then..

      I had one yesterday and felt much better :)

      Hope your T gets calmer man... Take care !!
       
      • Like Like x 1
      • Agree Agree x 1
    15. Martin69
      Artistic

      Martin69 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      (Health) Anxiety
      I doubt it did anything for me. With T, there is a lot psychological as we all know.

      I have this head sound and it is difficult to say if it is a 5/10 or 8/10. I can only say if it is a 10/10 or a 2/10, because then there is really a difference.

      So if I have a 8/10 or 5/10, it doesn't matter. I hear it all the time and a lot depends on my reaction.
      I can react really badly to a 2/10, but if I am in a very positive mood, I can cope better with a 8/10. You all know what I mean. Of course I cannot also hear this again and again "It is only your reaction". But I think at the end of the day, reaction plays a big part.

      Unfortunately, reacting to a 8/10 or 10/10 in a calm, relaxed way is the challenge we have.

      Therefore I cannot tell if Trobalt 100mg does anything. I don't think so.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    16. Sailboardman
      Frustrated

      Sailboardman Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/21/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sensorineural hearing loss right ear.
      Going through life just coping and trying to get through another day, isn't living at all. It's merely existing. I know, it's my daily routine. Sadly, no one can fix us.
       
      • Agree Agree x 9
      • Hug Hug x 1
    17. Martin69
      Artistic

      Martin69 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      (Health) Anxiety
      @RaZaH
      You said that you had some good months and a good summer.
      Do you think that your T has really changed?
      Or could it be that during summer, you had other things to do, being much outside, busy with enjoying things?
      Just wondering myself if my T really changes or if it is more the amount of concentrating on it, the amount of other stressful things, higher anxiety etc.

      I am wondering about this again and again. In particular since people report (even if it takes years) that one day they no longer care and T leaves awareness (at least for parts of the day).
       
    18. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      Interesting question...maybe a bit of both , I enjoyed myself more because my T was better but maybe my T was better because I was enjoying myself ?
      Having said that , I had moments where i was sitting outside work with my laptop listening to music and had silence for all intents and purposes. Also went to the hot pool a lot and experienced silence, mornings were always horrible but subsided in an hour or so . Not so much these days , horrible morning and does not really subside.
      So when I think about it ,I would say that my T was actually much better.
       
    19. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      Don't give in or give up to T, @RaZaH. I am in the same shoe with loud T blasting most mornings like you & @Martin69. Some days when you have lots of things to do or enjoy, your brain will fade T out of consciousness, especially when you are relaxed such as on vacation, or when you are doing really fun things which distract you from T. I used to cave in mentally and physically to this mad scream waking up to that ultra high pitch shrill. In fact the brain caved in without any chance for me to stop it by will power. Instantly benzos like Ativan & ADs like Prozac or Amitriptyline would have to be taken to try to stop anxiety and panic attacks and their horrible symptoms. Then I would mask as much as my H could tolerate and I masked all day, even on the go while driving, while attending church, even while fishing, not to say bed time. Those were the darkest days of terror. The sufferings of T, H, A and P attacks combined to create an image of an unlivable life. I had to imagine that my body had been donated to my loved ones and composted or dead to all hurtful sensations. I told myself that anything which would kill me in this process would have to hurt me non-stop for 5 years before I would attempt scaling Mt. Everest or jumping off a plane, anything dangerous things that I had never tried before, kind of like Rose of the Titanic, lol. T would have to off me that way if the good Lord would not intervene.

      So I was talking about accepting anything tolerable better than death will keep me surviving for at least 5 years. Then I began to challenge the phobia of that screaming T (which is blasting right now at the highest pitch as I am now typing on the subject of T and it is brought to the forth front of consciousness). Some people will object to my use of the analogy of people exposing to extremely loud noises in loud jobs without protection, but that is exactly the analogy which helps me to calm down that nerve when hearing my resonating high pitch scream. Today, that scream is above the heavy rain shower sound (at loud volume) from 'aire freshener' at my work PC. But honestly, I don't react to it any more because every time the brain might be iffy, I would use mental imagery technique to substitute myself as one of those guys in the loud jobs (drillers, miners, jack-hammer users etc.) and tell the brain that if those guys don't cave in to those noises without ear protection (and they do this day in and day out without being a mental wreck), why should I want to off myself for my T or going crazy with it. Yes, the brain would say T doesn't leave me. Or is it? There are times you really don't care about it or don't hear it while your are very busy. I can also try to mask it and soften its impact. Would drillers have rain or cicadas masking while they work in the 3rd world? LOL. Also, in all honesty, no T sound can match those loud machines in real life volume at close range where these workers are.

      When I kept at this kind of mental imagery, my brain would reluctantly agree with me on this. It finally caught up at some point, as I keep on hammering the same message to it on those hugely spiking days, kind of like brain-washing it, hypnotizing, deprogramming it non-stop with the same message. I would treat those as a drillers or jack-hammer operators on long shift without ear protection. Those guys do that for wages, darn it. Can't I just learn to accept my reality and move on with life on all those other things I can enjoy? Guys, don't criticize me or jump me. If you don't agree with this approach, then don't use it. For me, it works like a charm after a while. A typical scenario upon waking up, T goes "eeeeeeeeee" at ultra high pitch, resonating, me go " Screw it T, trying to bully me again? No chance! I am a tough driller today and so be it, at least not 1000+ FT underground risking mine collapse or gas poisoning or explosion. Take a ticket, T. I am busy. What are the fun things I can do today?'. Then one more positive affirmation to the stupid brain as I go about the day, 'Haha, it feels good to trample on Mr. T the bully and walk over it like Rocky did to his bullying opponent'. It feels good when I could finally floor Mr. T and can reclaim my life". Does it work initially with this approach? No quite successful. But it gets better over time, as the brain finally believe it when repeated hundreds of time. Kind of like the politicians brain-washing the voters with their lies on campaign ads repeatedly and, at some point, those brains just buy into the message. LOL.

      You can say I use the same method like IWLM's method, but I add on much more vivid mental imagery & reasoning to impress on the brain to convince it to not to react to T with fear, anxiety or depression, all those negative emotions which can perpetuate the tyranny of Mr. T. I also wrote lots of WORD documents to counter or challenge the distorted thoughts caused by T. I won't want to supply an oz of fuel to this hated bully to continue its tyranny over me. It takes time to get there. Hopefully those modern meds like Autifony & AM101 will be available in due time. But before they get here, yeup, improving my reaction to the T shrill is the only tool for me at this point. Give it time, guys, and try some mental approach such as CBT or mindfulness meditation or my mental imagery approach to see if they can soften the impact of T on your lives. All the best & God bless.
       
      • Like Like x 3
      • Genius Genius x 2
    20. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      Great stuff @billie48 , thank you very much , makes complete sense to me :)
       
    21. Martin69
      Artistic

      Martin69 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      (Health) Anxiety
      Hey @billie48
      Thanks for your uplifting words. People like you keep us going.
      It all makes sense what you said. Today, I was busy whole day. Working, buying soccer shoes with my son, in the evening doing some work at home. My reaction to T was ok.

      But the problem is: I fear I need some silence, a break, controlling this thing.
      It is always coping, high tension, masking, distracting. This takes a lot of energy.
      So there must be a point where we get unaware of T, forget about it, do not care.
      And one day a cure with silence again.

      We don't give up, but it is really a tough ride.
      Thanks again and take care.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
      • Like Like x 1
    22. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      I sympathize with you, @Martin69. Hope it will get better for you over time.

      One thing is that the brain is trainable if we just don't painfully resist the new reality, what some here in TT called 'new normal'. I think @Sailboardman once posted that his brother has T too and is quite used to it now and said he wouldn't know what to do with silence if it returns (I hope I am not mistaken who posted that). Remember another poster mentioned that a famous musician said if his ears are not ringing, then he really isn't deserving in the rock & roll music industry (approx.)? It is all about acceptance and willingness to adapt or accept without getting depressed. It is not easy to let go of silence. But if we adamantly oppose the impossible reality of silence (as of now), then the brain senses a 'stuck and no-way out' condition which is a threat, and the only way it expresses out is negative emotions such as fear, anxiety and depression as well as monitoring T non-stop.

      So to help myself to accept this condition better, I say who else had been able to deal with endless T ringing, totally unmaskable T? That is why I posted in my success story I searched out and looked up to the guiding lights out there, and I found Zoe Cartwright, for example, who turned completely deaf at 15 and living with loud #$%^&* T unmaskable T since. Then she made that famous short tinnitus film 7.24.52.10. It means at the time of the film, she has been dealing with her loud unmakable T 7/24, 52 weeks a year for 10 years at that point. When she said she still loves her life despite all that, she and her approach instantly became my adoration and guiding light. I began to emulate her positivity. Same goes with Melody Gardot, a lady jazz singer, who besides severe T & H, was also hit by an SUV causing massive damage to her body and incredible pain. Yet she overcame and triumphed over these obstacles with grace and positivity. So the human spirit is capable to overcome mountains in life if we will it and approach life with positivity. I began to challenge my thinking process which all these years had caused untold sufferings with anxiety and panic disorders. It is self-help CBT plus positivity approach. I am still learning the art of positive psychology and positivity. It gets better over time and it makes living with my ultra high pitch dog whistle T a lot easier.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
    23. ruben ruiz

      ruben ruiz Member

      Location:
      Tucson, AZ
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      I believe it was meds and stress
      Heck try a benzo if your that low.
       
    24. nills
      Barefooter

      nills Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Belgium
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma
      me too, I have been feeling horrible the last months ... I used to be a positive contributor here (bit stupid to say something like this about myself) but lately i`m just annoying, negative and just have an immense short fuse when I read peoples posts ...

      I`m going to leave this site for a while ... I hope I won`t be back untill next year when Autifony`s results are in ...


      thanks everyone for all the help and support ... hope all of you will find relief in some way or another ...

      big hugz...

      lot`s of love

      and apologies to anyone I hurt in any way
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    25. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi nills,
      Please stay if need the support and always around daily for you....take care ....lots of love glynis
       
    26. dboy
      Jaded

      dboy Member Benefactor

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2007 & 8/2013
      @nills I never noticed you be out of order to anyone. Maybe I missed it (I don't read all the threads), but I'd say your posts seem mostly animated by a gentle good humour and wisdom, although it is sometimes clear you are struggling. Have some time off the forum if you think it will be good for you, but please don't leave 'cos you think you are not good for Tinnitus Talk. You definitely are, and I am sure I will not be alone in missing your posts if you opt out for a while.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    27. Markku
      Inspired

      Markku Director Staff Benefactor Hall of Fame Team Trobalt Team Tech Team Awareness Team Research

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Syringing
      @nills, I fully agree here with @dboy.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    28. RaZaH
      Not amused

      RaZaH Member Benefactor Team Tech

      Location:
      Reykjavík, Iceland
      Tinnitus Since:
      2012/04
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Benzo + loud noise
      Yeah ,@nills we are all in this together , ups and downs, highs and lows. :)
       
      • Like Like x 1
    29. OnceUponaTime
      Facebooking

      OnceUponaTime Member Benefactor

      Location:
      New York
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/11
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Allergies or Acoustic Trauma, Stress
      @RaZaH Yes, you can do this. Try to relax and do something you enjoy, better days are ahead. :) For me, Summers are "Holy". lol It is the time of the year when I feel the best. Must be the outdoors, doing what I enjoy most (camping/hiking), gardening, the summer breeze or the crickets in the background. Whatever it is, it helps me so much that we are considering moving down south to warmer climate. (crossing fingers) I live in NY and summers are short (3 months) and I dread the rest of the year's weather. :( Being indoors makes me more aware of T. grrrrrrrr.

      Maybe you should move to a warmer climate too!!! :) Be outdoors most of the time! :) I hope you are feeling better today. Hug.
       
    30. Sailboardman
      Frustrated

      Sailboardman Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Florida
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/21/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sensorineural hearing loss right ear.
      @RaZaH,

      Being an ex-New Yorker and having relocated to Sarasota, Florida 3 years ago, I can say with experience, don't move to far south. Here in the summer, you spend most of your days indoors or in the car with A/C or at the beach in the water, in a pool or on a boat, in the water. You can't do anything outside, from June to October, without sweating through your clothes, in 5 minutes. It's usually 90 plus degrees, with 90 plus percent humidity! This year it rained almost everyday, which is rare, but it can happen. So, it's sort of reversed from up north. Also, if you have any allergies, beware, because everything is blooming here, year round. Looks beautiful though!

      From October thru May, the weather is perfect. mid 60's to mid 70's, zero humidity and blue skies. You just have to struggle through the summer. However, all the "snowbirds" come back and tie up all the roads, the stores, the restaurant's, the beaches, etc. 15 minutes to the beach, is now 60 minutes. Getting through a traffic light takes 3 sequences. Finding a parking spot at the store, impossible. The entire area is packed with 10 times the amount of people, it can handle.

      So, if I had to do it all over again, I'd stay in NY. I miss the fall, snow and skiing, spring and even though it's short, the summers.
       

Share This Page

Loading...
If you have ringing ears then you've come to the right place. We are a friendly tinnitus support board, dedicated to helping you discuss and understand what tinnitus treatments may work for you.