I'm Lost with Constant Suicidal Thoughts — My Tinnitus Is All I Can Think About

First of all, excuse my English.

By the end of November last year I noticed a faint ringing in my left ear, a low constant beeping sound. It was initially barely noticeable in silent environment (and for all I know it may have been there a while already when I first noticed it), however I was terrified and from here everything has gone straight to hell and I instantly found myself in a vicious spiral which has sent me into a living nightmare with depression and anxiety (both of which I am familiar with from earlier in my life, but this I just so much worse)

The sound instantly became all I could think of. In silent environments I would constantly listen to it and when I couldn't hear it (which after all was most of the time) I would still constantly listen for, obsessing and ruminating over it. (I am prone to OCD). It became a matter of life and death to get rid of it, and in the initial weeks I was hopeful it would go away. I went to see an ENT, who couldn't find anything physical wrong with my ears, but a standard hearing test found a small loss of high frequency hearing on my left ear. I have had an MRI, which was fine. I have seen a physiotherapist and naprapath without finding any relief. I have spent hundreds of hours on the web reading about tinnitus, several of this time spent on this forum which I'm afraid hasn't benefited my case at all. I have also tried hearing aids which I didn't find helpful at all, neither with masking programs turned on. My tinnitus seems to compete with any kind of masking I throw at it and just turns up the volume. In the initial months I would actually prefer complete silence as it was easier to deal with the tinnitus alone rather than listening to it in contrast to environmental sound.

During December the volume and character of the sound was more or less unchanged, maybe the volume increased a bit, but in January the sound grew louder and changed to a louder more hissing type which I found way more intrusive. I can't think of any other reason for this development than the fact that I for weeks now had spent every waking hour using 99% of my cognitive capacity dealing with it (in a most negative way). By now I found myself more or less mentally disabled, unable to do any of the things I used to (love). I can't work, I left my hobbies behind, I can't take care of my children, I even had to send my dog away so someone else could take care of her, and I guess I am more or less unable to take care of myself. The last months I haven't been able to get as much as a second of relief and I consider my life to be over and have constant suicidal thoughts.

In the middle of February it got really ugly when it started affect me sleep. I would wake up at night with the sound louder than ever, panicking and unable to fall asleep again. Some nights I couldn't sleep at all, others I would get like a total of 3-4 hours of interrupted bad sleep - this hasn't improved and for three weeks now I have been more or less dependent on benzo to get a couple of hours sleep. The sound has now become even more intrusive, a loud hissing/static sound which I can hear over everything, it scares the living hell out of me, and of course I have now also started to hear a sound in my right ear as well. My brain and body feels completely wrecked. I am hypersensitive, I have headache, sometimes pain in my ears, teeth, throat, face. I have pain in my back, I'm nauseous, have shivers, can't eat...

I have been on AD (SSRI - Escitalopram) for a couple of months now, this hasn't helped stopping this horrible downward spiral at all. For the last three weeks I've been taking 30 mg Sobril (Oxazepam) a couple of hours before going to sleep, and I guess I'm already in danger of developing tolerance/addiction and risking that the use of benzo now is contraindicated.

What started with a faint and harmful beeping sound - I have obviously mentally dealt with in a way that has created a monster! Any chance this could return to where it all started?

I'm under the impression that most people that have sudden onset of tinnitus usually don't experience a continuous worsening (rather the opposite). I could probably eventually have learned to cope with the initial sound once the the anxiety/depression was under control, but the fact that I seem to be able to worsen the tinnitus by dealing with it in a very negative way freaks me out. This isn't a spike but as if my constant focus on the sound actually makes changes in my brain/neuroactivity so that the volume is gradually turning up and the character of the sound changes. I have been monitoring my "good ear" as well, and what other reason than this constant awareness could be the reason that I eventually experience tinnitus in this ear as well. I have considered if it's just my anxiety 'playing tricks with me', but it is quite obvious that my condition is gradually worsening when comparing my tinnitus (volume and character) to environmental sounds in my everyday life.

 

@Pistolpete, I am very sorry to learn of your issues. It is, if you have read threads on here, perfectly normal to have such reactions to tinnitus. It is extremely disturbing and, if you are sensitive to sound, or focus on it, like someone with OCD might, then it will, inevitably, become intrusive.

I think you can get better, but you will need to find a way to let go of this in order to get there. Have you ever done anything for your OCD issues? With tinnitus, our body seems to hold on to it as much as it can; focus attention on it and then worry excessively as we struggle to find anything to quickly make it go away. It is like being trapped and telling ourselves there is no way out - so we then worry more. It is a vicious cycle.

Where are you and what is medical care like there? If you are taking Benzos already, it might be an idea to have something prescribed that can almost make you forget, to an extent the state that you are in - like getting to a point of saying "I don't care anymore". This is what I had to do when I went to a psychiatric hospital and was given large doses of Benzos plus an antidepressant, before being gradually weaned off of them (well, down to a very low dose).

I would not insist on anyone doing the above, but I do see the benefit of trying to "break" the cycle in the short term. It worked very well for me.

Let us know what you think.

Best wishes.

 

@Uklawyer, I was already under a lot of stress, dealing with anxiety and a quite severe depression at the onset of tinnitus. I was (for the the first time in my life) hospitalized and got ECT. I suspect my second (and for sure last) session of ECT triggered the initial tinnitus, but it was initial so faint that it might also be that I just noticed a sound that already was there and I «got hooked on it» during an extremely stressful and traumatic time of my life.

I have later learned that tinnitus could be a rare side-effect of ECT. However, in those cases it seems patients have woken up from anesthesia with quite severe tinnitus. In my case i feel that it's more a case of how I have dealt with what started as a faint/unharmful sound and that my reaction towards it has allowed it to develop into a living nightmare. It's like a train running wild and every attempt I do to grab the brakes fails and rather just speeds up this madness.

 

Sorry to learn what you are going through. It's pretty normal during the first months to experience such unpredictability and intrusiveness, making it even more difficult to cope and to habituate. Try to find a sound or various sounds with the same frequency of your tinnitus in order to mask it, matching the correct frequency might be beneficial but it requires time to adapt and to habituate as well. I truly understand you, when is so intrusive and bothersome it is really hard to find some relief.

Definitely the first months are extremely difficult and daunting. Hang in there, things will get better. Of course your tinnitus can fade away or back to baseline.

Regards.

 

@Pau Marti, thanks for your kind response. What freaks me out is that I’ve never had a baseline, rather a volume that’s seems to be increasing progressively. This last week I can even notice it beeing slightly louder every morning when I get out of bed, and its already way more intrusive than I can possibly live with.

 

Tinnitus can be debilitating. I find it so depressing that one minute everything is fine, and then the next you have this horrible intrusive thing that happened because of something millions of other people did but didn't get tinnitus. You're the lucky one that gets stuck with it.

It does get better over time once you come to accept your new normal. It takes time but you will get there. Try to focus on the positives you have in your life. Focusing on what you've lost is what brings about the negative spiral. You have to try to be happy and grateful for the things you do have.

Sometimes it seems worse, but sometimes it also seems better. A lot of time when it seems worse, it's all in your head. It will get better. The ups and downs are normal.

 

I am someone who has dealt with tinnitus for over 30 years.

About 7 months ago I was talked into trying a pair of hearing aids by a hearing aid specialist, and it has dramatically reduced the ringing in my ears.

I know you said that you tried hearing aids and it did nothing for you, but I was wondering if you tried a pair of hearing aids and not just one for one ear. One hearing aid did nothing for me but the pair has been a blessing.

Just a thought...

 

Yesterday I saw my Audiologist about recalibrating both of my hearing aids (which I have had since 2015), and, in spite of every applicable permutation, unfortunately they have never done anything to reduce (let alone eliminate) my tinnitus.

My hearing loss in my left ear involves such upper range frequencies that even with further amplification there was still no change. I was warned that the maximum amplification of the hearing aid's capacity would be painful and expose me to dangerous levels of sound.

You should regard yourself as very fortunate, because I believe that Dr. De Ridder on Tinnitus Talk Podcast said that historically, only one fifth of tinnitus sufferers have benefitted from hearing aids.

The only upshot was that they have heard of Dr. Shore's "Auricle", and I stressed that I would like a consultation session from them as soon as they can provide it.

 

You are correct, I only tried out a hearing aid for my left ear. Maybe both ears could have made a difference, especially since I now am also experiencing onset of tinnitus in my other ear as well. However, I've found that my high pitch hissing is probably around 15,000 Hz, way above the frequency hearing aids amplify sound, which I understand is limited to around 8,000 - 10,000 Hz. I guess that explains why only a limited group of tinnitus sufferers find hearing aids really beneficial.

 

Hi @Pistolpete, many things can cause tinnitus, including stress, anxiety and depression as mentioned on your profile. If they were not the main cause they can certainly contribute in making it worse. In order to find out whether your tinnitus is in fact noise induced which is the most common cause of this condition, I want to ask: were you a regular user of headphones, earbuds or headsets? If the answer is no, then your tinnitus is unlikely to be caused by an underlying medical condition within your auditory system because this would have been detected when you were examined at ENT and had tests.

I await your answer to my question on whether you were a regular user of headphones, earbuds or headsets. For now I will assume your tinnitus is noise induced or caused by stress, anxiety and depression and will advise accordingly on treatments that could be helpful.

When tinnitus is noise induced it's advisable not to listen to any type of audio through headphones, earbuds or headsets even at low volume, as there's the risk of making the tinnitus worse. Please click on the links below and read my posts. Since you have OCD and are feeling stressed and depressed, taking the antidepressants that you have been prescribed by your doctor is the right thing to do. They will act as a safety net so you don't become too down. Stress makes tinnitus worse and tinnitus can make stress worse, it can become a vicious cycle so it's important stress is managed.

When tinnitus is caused by stress, anxiety and depression, it's important to address whatever the underlying problem is that brought on the stress, anxiety and depression. Medication and counselling can certainly help. However, the underlying cause or problem must be dealt with in order for your symptoms to be alleviated. Once this is achieved with a combination of counselling and medication your tinnitus with time should start to improve.

Please try and avoid quiet rooms and surroundings during the day and especially at night, by using low level sound enrichment. This does not mean to mask the tinnitus. Tinnitus should never be masked or make an attempt to cover it up with a sound so it can't be heard, as the brain cannot habituate to tinnitus unless it can hear it. Set the sound enrichment slightly below the tinnitus so it's not masking it.

You have mentioned masking sounds irritate your tinnitus so you prefer silence. Providing you don't turn up the sound enrichment too loud it shouldn't irritate the tinnitus. This gives me the belief your tinnitus is noise induced and you possibly have some hyperacusis.

If possible, try to see an audiologist that specialises in tinnitus and hyperacusis management. This will help with your OCD, tinnitus and stress.

Wishing you all the best,
Michael

New to Tinnitus, What to Do? | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum
Tinnitus, A Personal View | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum

 

Hello. Just wanted to throw my 5 cents in here.

I can totally relate to obsessing over the sound(s).

What have helped me a little, is to REALLY celebrate the SMALL successes.
I started taking Melatonin, and now I have a good night's sleep maybe 70% of the nights. For me, that was a huge success, and I had (several) beers to celebrate.

Once or twice, I've forgotten about my tinnitus for like an hour or two. Again, beers!

I have had several setbacks and massive fleeting tinnitus attacks.. However, when those setbacks subside a little: a beer or two to celebrate!

That keeps me going - and hey, why not try to make the "best" out of this damned curse we suffer from.

 

Hi @Michael Leigh - thanks for your kind response.

My small high frequency hearing loss is probably noise induced. I suspect it's caused by a concert I went to some twenty years ago where I experienced some dullness, pain and tinnitus in my left ear for a couple of weeks afterwards.

I have for long periods of my life been listening to music through headphones/AirPods.

I think what caused the onset of my tinnitus November last year was either my second ECT session and/or stress/depression/anxiety (the noise trauma 20 years ago might be an underlying cause I guess) and I am convinced that the progressive worsening of my condition is driven by nothing but extreme anxiety/OCD (related to the tinnitus itself).

Regarding medication. I have been on SSRI for more than 8 weeks, increasing dosage while my mental condition is progressively worsening. So I’m now tapering off. Benzo gives me a couple of hours of (bad) sleep.

I will be seeing a psychologist next week who is specialized in working with tinnitus/hyperacusis. But I find myself in a state of denial/hopelessness that I hardly can see anything or anyone being able to help me escape. I just need this to go away, now!

 

@Michael Leigh - Regarding masking. Somehow masking makes me even more aware of my tinnitus. And masking at night hasn't provided any better sleep, I actually often wake up panicking thinking that the masking is the sound of my tinnitus.

 

Hi Pistolpete.

Thank you for the additional information. Now that I know the root cause of your tinnitus which has also caused anxiety, OCD and some depression, I will give you some advice to consider. Please note this is advice and therefore not absolute. It is based on my experience with noise induced tinnitus and hyperacusis, corresponding and counselling people with these conditions.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to be tapering off your medication, because tinnitus is an integral part of our mental and emotional wellbeing and cannot be separated from it. As I mentioned in my previous post, stress makes tinnitus worse and tinnitus can make stress worse. Without the help of an antidepressant you could find your moods becoming worse. Please talk this over with your doctor.

My advice is not to listen to audio through headphones, earbuds, AirPods, headsets, noise cancelling or bone conduction headphones even at low volume, as you risk making the tinnitus worse.

Please go to my started threads and read the articles I am going to mention below. Please print them and refer to them often. They are a form of counselling. You will absorb and retrain the information better than reading on a phone or computer monitor. This will help to reinforce positive thinking. Please print the posts in the links that I have given you.

The Habituation Process, How to Habituate to tinnitus, Tinnitus and the Negative Mindset, Acquiring a Positive Mindset, Tinnitus and Mental Health, Can I Habituate to Variable Tinnitus? Will My Tinnitus Get Worse? From Darkness into Light, Can Tinnitus Counselling Help?

All the best,
Michael

Hyperacusis, As I See It | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum
What Is TRT and When Should It Be Started? | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum

 

Hi Pistolpete,

Tinnitus should not be masked as I explained in my previous post. The modern method is to use sound enrichment. If you want to get better (and I'm sure that you will) it is important that you learn to use sound enrichment, during the day and most importantly at night.

It takes about 8 weeks to get used to using sound enrichment at night. One of the best methods is to use a sound machine by the bedside that plays nature sounds. Don't use music at night because it draws attention to itself and it's something you don't want. Set the sound enrichment below your tinnitus or at a level where you can comfortably ignore it.

Supplying your brain and auditory system with sound while you are asleep has two key benefits. The brain and auditory system don't turn off and therefore, if the brain hears silence at night it will increase its background activity, at the same time it will also increase the tinnitus which will make it louder during waking hours. The auditory system is desensitized by the sound enrichment, so with time over sensitivity to sound will be decreased.

It is something you have to work at and this takes time for it is not a quick fix. I suggest you buy an Oasis sound machine. Please click on the link below and read my post: Sound Machines and Tinnitus.

Take care,
Michael

Sound Machines and Tinnitus | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum

 

You dealt with it in a way that most people deal with foreign noises whose origins are inexplicable and which do not appear to go away. Do not blame yourself for your natural reactions. Frequently, from what I have seen, tinnitus can start out as mild and then develop into something intrusive.

My point was that you cannot "grab the brakes" with this - because you cannot consciously strive to control something that you have no control over. That is why I suggested something a little more radical whereby you give up control and place it someone else's hands or try something different.

Who gave you the antidepressants? Did they give you any other medication?

 

Please call any suicide helpline you can. Remove now anything you may hurt yourself with. Even if you feel OK.

If I had had a gun in the worst days of my tinnitus, I would would have used it. Just in that moment.

It will pass but you have to talk to someone in real life.

 

Hi @Uklawyer.

I might disagree - since my tinnitus was really faint/low in the beginning, I think that if I had positive personality and had been mentally stable at that time (and not already was suffering anxiety/depression), not prone to OCD - I would have been able to let this go instead of letting it develop into a chronic intrusive condition. I might not blame myself - but I feel cursed as I am probably among those with a horrible prospect of dealing with this shit. I've read something about this on the websites of the Norwegian Hearing Association (they have a lot of information regarding tinnitus). There's a great difference between those who accept and are able to think positive when experiencing the onset of mild tinnitus, and those who are scared to death and "goes to war against it". The last group are those who experience worsening and develop a chronic condition.

My doctor has prescribed some Zopiclone (those are gone now) and Oxazepam (25 mg) of which I still take one during the day, and one a couple of hours before sleep. I've also tried Remeron, Quetiapine and Phenergan for sleep - none of those worked for me.

 

I think the last few weeks might have taught me that I'm completely incapable of suicide. There have been so many nights where I have decided 'this it it', I've made a will, prepared letters for my loved ones - but I just can't commit suicide. However, as my psychologist said - giving completely up on everything, even taking care of your basic needs Is also a way of slowly committing suicide. I feel that is where I am heading - I've lost everything to this shit, I'm mentally and soon physically disabled. I've lost 15% of my body weight, my muscles are gone, I have physical pain and finally I don't recognize myself at all any more.

 

@Michael Leigh - Regarding headphones/AirPods (music at low volume). Why is this any worse than using hearing aids with masking/enrichment at moderate volume?

Listening to music (without disturbing others) is more or less my only relief these days. And the only thing that gives me a needed break from this torture.

 

The speaker or diaphragm in headphones, earbuds, AirPods and headsets deliver sound into the auditory system in an entirely different way to hearing aids and white noise generators.

Hearing aids and white noise generators emit sound through a narrow plastic tube that goes over the back of the ear and enters the entrance to the ear canal. At the end of the tube there is a tiny hole or aperture from which sound emits. The speaker/diaphragm fitted to headphones, earbuds, AirPods and headsets is much larger and generates stronger sound waves into the ear which can only travel in one direction towards the eardrum and this causes irritation within the auditory system that has been compromised by noise trauma and therefore more sensitive to sound even after habituation is reached.

It is my belief based on the many people I have corresponded with that have noise induced tinnitus and habituated successfully, then at some point returned to using headphones, earbuds, AirPods or headsets, find their tinnitus increased. For some people this happens more quickly than others.

Some people with noise noise induced tinnitus aren't affected by using headphones, earbuds, AirPods or a headset. All I'm saying many of them are and it is a risk if you use these devices even at low volume. The choice is yours. Just remember I did warn you.

Noise induced tinnitus is not something to take lightly. After habituating, it will usually remain stable for many years. However, the main causes for it to increase or worse completely change to variable tinnitus, is using headphones, earbuds, AirPods or headsets even at low volume. Exposure to loud sounds even when wearing earplugs can also cause tinnitus to spike, so one needs to be careful.

Type headphones in the search box at the top of this page and read the posts, from people that have habituated to noise induced tinnitus, returned to using headphones and regretted it because their tinnitus increased and will not return to baseline level.

I wish you well,
Michael

 

How are you doing @Pistolpete? Hope you are doing better. Hang in there. I saw you mentioned how difficult it was to mask your tinnitus but try to persevere. Sometimes you even need to blend different sounds in order to get good results. It takes time though. Try to match the frequency of your tinnitus but you are also right, sometimes masking can't help either.

Stay positive, it can go back to baseline or even fade away over time. Big hug.

 

I don't want to underestimate your suffering, don't get me wrong. But this thinking is all wrong. Don't rely on any hearing organisation to tell you about tinnitus or how you should feel/what you should do. They know shit. Absolute shit. Even the most highly famous neuro-otologists don't know anything that is 100% certain with tinnitus.

They somehow invented all that "positive thinking" bullshit, that supposedly makes tinnitus better and not worse, because there is no treatment at all (neither understanding of it) and they try to make people just deal with it. Imagine how stupid it would sound telling a cancer patient "Oh your tumor grows bigger because of your negative attitude towards it".

You are wrong about people worsening when they go to war against it. I developed it at a period of my life when I was, productive, calm and happy with my art. I stayed that way as long as I could and it still worsens on its own bit by bit as time passes.

Tinnitus doesn't care about your personality or attitude or thoughts. It is an ear/brain injury/malfunction that has organic roots. Something broke in there and broken things can break further because they don't function as they should.

On a side note, maybe those meds are the reason of the worsening! Maybe tapering/stopping them will make it calm down!

 

@DimLeb, spot on. Agreed.

 

Which hearing aides do you have?

How quickly did you notice the effect of your hearing aids on your tinnitus?

Do you know which frequency your tinnitus is?

 

I have the Phonak Audeo P50 hearing aids. Receiver in the Canal.

I immediately noticed the effects of the hearing aids once I put them in. It even got better when I went outside of the building that I was in.

I'm not sure what the frequency is of my tinnitus, but the hearing loss is equal in both ears.

 

For four months my life has been spiraling downwards and now there's really nothing left. There is tinnitus and nothing more, my brain is 100% occupied with it (and floaters).

I've been sent into a depression (and anxiety) so severe I'm even incapable of finding joy in thinking of my kids, my dog (for the time being I'm in a state that am unable to see any of them, it would frighten the hell out of them to see me like this. Even my dog!). My sleep is gone, I don't work anymore, I dont't eat, can't take care of my home. There is not a single fucking thing left that is the way it used to in my life!

Now I have been drinking lots of alcohol to hopefully get a couple of hours sleep, and suddenly I find myself continuously hitting myself hard in the head, a desperate impulse act - as I can't take this anymore - thereafter I go on kicking my TV twice, so it breaks into pieces.

I'm so gone!

 

Do you hear your tinnitus at all?

 

@Pistolpete, I was in the same condition as you are for several years... It is terrible, but I assure you that it can be overcome and life can be livable and even enjoyable again. Stop blaming yourself, your depression is not making the tinnitus worse, it is all about your perception of it. My tinnitus was relatively mild the first few weeks and then grew up to where it is now. I blamed myself also, the wrong personality to deal with this kind of trouble and indeed somehow I was stupid to get this terrible condition because of something that I did or I did not. It does not matter, forget about that kind of reasoning. You have to try to dissociate from the noise, and at some point in time, your days will become more or less independent of the tinnitus level. The best medicine is time passing by, this condition does not get better, but you can get better. You can not have silence, you can still have peace. Now I can enjoy music again, I am not being afraid of loud noises, take long trips, have relatively normal focus at work, etc... It is not the same as before and it is just fine.

I have been taking antidepressants for years, and benzos from time to time. I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine to go through some tough nights. I will do whatever it takes to get through this condition and continue alive. Do not be afraid of the noise in your head...

 

I do still hear the tinnitus, but it is minimal when the hearing aids are in. When I am outside, there are times I don't notice it at all. On a scale of 1 to 10, it is now around 2 on average. It used to be around 8.