I'm Not Committing Suicide. I'm Being Murdered by Merciless Tinnitus.

Discussion in 'Support' started by Bam, Jun 7, 2018.

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    1. Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      As I edge ever closer to the end of the road I've come to the conclusion that I will not be committing suicide. This just is not the truth of of what's happening here. I loved my life. I had so much to live for. But tinnitus has systematically taken away my enjoyment of all the things I loved and more importantly robbed me of a basic human essential..... hope. It's basically slowly murdering me and a life of AD's and benzo's etc to zombify myself to the misery of living like a shell of a person is just not for me.

      I'm sorry for the negativity but my life now is no longer worth living. My tinnitus is off the scale bad. Unmaskable high pitched hell. Like having a sheet metal factory in my head 24/7. And yes I've tried everything. Over 10 grand of therapists and treatments, including Levo. Now I'm down to good old fashioned drinking to numb the hell until I pluck up the courage to punch my ticket.

      I've seen arguments on here that severe tinnitus isn't as bad as cancer, the loss of a loved one etc etc blah blah blah. Well sorry from my experience it's not even close to the horror of 24/7 ear splitting incurable tinnitus hell. Sorry, different level. I watched my father die in a car crash before my very eyes when I was a teenager and the grief that created was not even close to the sadness I wake up with every single morning for the last 7 months as I watch my entire existence washed away in a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day. Pure misery day after day on a monotonous loop. As I said to a therapist. It's like being raped and then being forced to live with the person that raped you every single day for the rest of your life as they taunt you day and night, spend all your money and go through your phone destroying every single one of your relationships.

      I know there's a lot of well meaning folks on here but sadly it's become very apparent to me that despite the outpourings of genuine desperation and suffering on this site people who don't have tinnitus just think everyone one here is either a weirdo attention seeker, a troll or a hypochondriac with mental problems. This is despite my being a high functioning, zero mental health problems, 'normal' person before all this. This sadly is why all the 'awareness' we are creating is a total waste of time and those of us with genuinely torturous levels of this affliction live in a miserable island of painful isolation where death seems like the only viable way out.

      For all you severe veterans I have come to the conclusion that you are either
      A) hardcore as hell and deserve to be knighted, given a large haul of medals and a castle.
      B) scared shitless of suicide
      C) lying about how bad your tinnitus is... or ...
      D) a weirdo attention seeker, troll, hypochondriac with mental problems

      Zero offence intended and I wish you all peace and silence....however unattainable.
       
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    2. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi @Bam,
      A tue feeling post on how your life is with tinnitus.
      I totally understand what you are going through as for me my tinnitus is sever in both ears and never stops.
      Meniere's Disease is the cause of my tinnitus and hearing loss and I know it will never go away and that thought took a long time to come to terms with. It's a daily struggle and now wear hearing aids.
      What has changed....
      My reactions to the sound regarding letting it not take away my love for life and family and I can laugh ,smile but also low times do come but fighting through it the low times will go.
      I have cried and cried but won't change the sound I hear and what you must do is to find the best way of helping you cope better and everyone is different.
      Take comfort that we all here know what it is like and can support eachother and feel happy to hear a member is doing better .
      Keep posting and making friends on here and remember you are stronger than your sound.
      love glynis
       
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    3. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      Thanks @glynis. Having perused these boards gloomily over the months i'm 100% assured that you fall in to the category of deserving damehood, medals and a castle status.
       
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    4. L3na

      L3na Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown - possibly eustachian tube dysfunction
      which like the rest of us, you won't. It takes unbelievable courage to kill oneself. Trust me! We have been in your shoes wanting to kill ourselves. We are still alive. I can promise you will not kill yourself.

      Seek treatment from a CBT therapist, get yourself admitted to a mental ward. Try benzos. Talk to a doctor.
       
    5. RicoS
      Alienated

      RicoS Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Netherlands
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress or Acoustic trauma
      I think you describehow a lot of people feel here but do not come out to say it. For me when T is bad I feel the same. When it is low I feel happy until S-OCD comes up and I am for instance aware of my breathing and have to breath manually for months. This anxiety disorder gives me the same anxiety as loud T. Sometimes my T is on the first place of the anxiety list and sometimes S-OCD. My mind just choses which one is worse and let me focus on that.
      Just like you before this

      I did had not mental issues and had a beautiful life with everything going for me. I am not rich or poor I just was happy. No I do not know what tomorrow brings and live day by day. Somebody told me one "You either start living , or you start dying" I have the feeling I am spinning between both.

      What I understand is that a lot of people with T have an anxiety disorder or other anxiety symptoms that feel very weird when you tell them to other people. I could tell you some symptoms I had when I went into depression.... Tongue felt to big for my mouth (yes really!! it was the worst symptom ever) , noticing my eyes blinking and all other sensory motor symptoms....
      Then I noticed that when I closed my eyes it is never perfect black..you see all kind of things ...so even closing my eyes did not give me rest.... and the list goes on and on.

      BUT!! Most of the symptoms went away when anxiety went down....and so does my monster T from 2013. I tried everything and for my PT I had a 99% cure and that was fixed. But I cannot feel to good because my mind cannot cope with that anymore....feeling to good gives anxiety because...."WHAT IS NEXT ???"

      I will not give up..... even if my mind says "suicide" I will not.... God know there is nothing after this.... then I can endure this crap and hope for better times.... and if not ...well we die anyway. If there is something after this life ...I hope I do not remember a damn thing of this one. Only my son and wife. But not what I had to endure.

      I am not religious but sometimes I wish I was because I think it gives a lot of comfort if you have something to believe in.
      So remember there are a lot of people who feel the same as you or have felt the same as you... I can relate.... but it became better after several years....then I got a spike and it went bad and then i goes back to baseline again. Point is...you just do not know. I hope this anxiety disorder will pass also together with my T.

      So hang in there because you really do not know what tomorrow brings. The first year I had bad T and H and it became a little less after a year and sometimes I thought I was habituated....but then it came back stronger then ever....and so the ride goes on and on...but in the end you get a little bit better....

      Do not give up on hope....because hope is powerful and can change your mood big time!
      Sorry for the long read ...but I thought I mad an honest post just to let you see we are all suffering in one way or the other and all want to get rid of T but you have to go one. If we all would kill ourself then there are no test subject for a cure anymore ;-) Hang in there m8 !
       
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    6. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
      another suffering soul all because TRT and Pawel Jastreboff held back 30 years of research

      HANG IN THERE HELP IS ON THE WAY theirs an active clinical trial by the university of Michigan with a device that targets the parts of the brain generating tinnitus directly.

      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...igan-tinnitus-discovery-—-signal-timing.2805/

      it could be approved and available by 2021 and give help to millions. Just hang in their seriously
       
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    7. Contrast

      Contrast Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Retrovile
      Tinnitus Since:
      late 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      injury from noxious noise
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    8. Tempest
      Tired

      Tempest Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      I'd say hang in there, but at the same time, I know how hard it is so there's really no shame in wanting to call it quits.
       
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    9. dpdx
      Disappointed

      dpdx Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Murica
      Tinnitus Since:
      Onset:09/23/2017 Worsened: 1/17/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma, worsened by caloric test/VEMP test 90db nhL
      I would rather die of cancer in 25 years than have this intrusive/high tinnitus in my head. If I had a choice to die in a car crash in 25 years but be free of Severe T and H meanwhile I would gladly choose it. my t was mild initially and now its severe. I get 1-4 hours of sleep per night, it is that bad.
       
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    10. annV
      Fine

      annV Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2005
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown - possibly hereditary
      How about if you could choose between living to 90 with your current T & H, or being cured of them but dying one year from now?
       
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    11. Agrajag364

      Agrajag364 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      @Bam do I understand that you have only had this for seven months? I don't think suicide make sense at this stage because in many cases the intensity does go down and I have most definitely read of people for whom it went away after year, a couple of years and in one or two cases even 4-5 years. All the literature acknowledges that the natural history of tinnitus is very uncertain, especially when there is no hearing loss

      In my personal life I had a friend for who had it for a year and for whom it went away completely

      A second case that springs to mind that I know directly is an older friend who had it very very loudly for nine months and then the volume began to reduce when he was prescribed an in ear white noise masker which he used for A minimum of an hour daily along with relaxation exercises. He said all of a sudden the volume began to go down very quickly. Years later he still has it but it is very quiet and he says sometimes he doesn't notice it for days

      And especially if your life is great beforehand with no problems you need to hang on and see what happens
       
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    12. dpdx
      Disappointed

      dpdx Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Murica
      Tinnitus Since:
      Onset:09/23/2017 Worsened: 1/17/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma, worsened by caloric test/VEMP test 90db nhL
      Both options are pretty terrible.
       
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    13. dpdx
      Disappointed

      dpdx Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Murica
      Tinnitus Since:
      Onset:09/23/2017 Worsened: 1/17/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma, worsened by caloric test/VEMP test 90db nhL
      If I had mild t and no H then I am fine,
      If Severe H and T all my life then prob not.

      If you at least make that 1 year 11 years then yes.
       
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    14. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I had also watched my dad die of brain cancer (it took five years), and I have to agree with the above...
      This is an incredibly good analogy...

      Have you experienced Any fading compared to how your T sounded during the first month after onset?
       
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    15. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      Thanks for the stories of your own struggles and hope and positivity @Agrajag364 @Contrast @RicoS.

      Regards the whole debate i sparked .....I often think of how my auntie died. Cancer, painful and sad but all the family rallied around and she went out with people and love all around her. There was something appropriate and understandable about her death. As i've pointed out to well meaning doctors, therapists, audiologists, we grow up with our minds attuned to the possibility of cancer, knowing it may well happen to us and in a way that assists with the adjustment should we get it. Whereas nobody thinks about or expects to be tortured by head noise to the point of praying you don't wake up in the morning. Hence why people i know and have seen what this has done to my life, like my best friend are now silently terrified of hearing a 'hum in the drum' but they're not in the least bit scared of suddenly being hit with ball cancer.

      To sum up, the way i feel right now i would literally leap around like a lunatic and feel like a lottery winner if you gave me just a few more years on this planet of perfect health and then follow her exit route rather than this lonely, dark, tortured fading out of my light.
       
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    16. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness

      I am one of those vets. I have had tinnitus for over 30 years. I can stand on the side of the freeway and my tinnitus is louder. I suffer from fibromyalgia/arthritis as well. The pain and horror is there daily, but I choose to not let it have power over me. In life, when life dumps on you and treats you unfair...You either play the victim or kick the obstacle where it hurts. I can avoid this forum and still can live a good to great life.

      I come here to show support to people like yourself and many others. Tinnitus and other life experiences can harden our skins and make us much tougher/better person if we let it. I have been through a brutal life and even with my intrusive/loud/non-maskable tinnitus/sound....it's still a cakewalk compared to what I have been through.

      Obstacles in life teach us lessons, it's up to us to use what we are taught and make our lives better. You are facing afflictions, all of us have been there. It's all about coming up with a game plan that helps you/us deal with our issues. Even when things are negative, I still think in a positive way and use that energy to do something that shall benefit me in the future.......

      Never Give Up!

      PS-In the end, it's all about how you think and the mindset you have.
       
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    17. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @Bill Bauer I've experienced moments of positivity and hope where i've convinced myself during the day that it's not as loud but then hell has been waiting for me at home to show me whose still the boss. (rapist)

      I would also point out that my auntie when diagnosed with cancer wasn't patted on the back by the doctor and with a wry smile told, 'get on with your life.' What a @*%& that guy was. I tell you in 100 years when they have a proper on the spot cure people will look back on this forum, reflect on their 'hellish' 3 days of Tinnitus before the doctor gave them the cure pill and feel genuine sorrow and pity for us. Also the doctors will be honest then and say to them, 'Jeez you got lucky pal, back in 2018 this crap would have had you wishing you had bought a shotgun before you were classified insane.'
       
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    18. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @fishbone I have zero f'in clue how you've done it but i'll presume you're not delusional or lying and you can have a castle adorned with medals too....Take the knee Sir fishy.
       
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    19. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      I use to play the victim for most of my life. I'd say "WHY ME". "I'm such a nice person, why did this happen to me".

      I came into this world, thinking that everything should be fair and life has to be fair. I learned as a young boy that life is NOT fair and it will spit you out if you do not adapt. from being bullied in schools, to almost losing my life many times by crashing my cars, almost falling off a mountain skying. My addiction and hell with benzos and more painful ordeals.

      Those scar/pain badges can make a MAN out of any body and it can change people. It teaches us that WE CAN SURVIVE even when Hell exists around us. I have used all my experiences to make my life better. Yes, tinnitus is horrible. No one in their right mind likes this menace, but its here and NOT leaving.

      You either give it power or YOU take the power away form it. We Choose, which one . You make the choices. Make a choice and create a game plan to address the issue (in a positive way).

      my mentality is what drives me to achieve good things in my life. All of us have this willpower and drive, we just need to dig deep and find it and USE IT!

      Be blessed :)
       
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    20. Wolfears

      Wolfears Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      Jan 20/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Most likely accoustic trauma
      What makes this condition so bothersome is the fact,that it is so unnecessary and ridiculous..
      It is forcing healthy, productive and well adjusted individuals in their prime to think about ending their lives, just because the brain insists on hearing imput from some obscure high frequency that will never affect them for as long as they live and that most people don't give 2 shits about.

      This is why I maintain that Tinnitus is the work of satan and was created with bad intention...(and I'm not even religious)
      Mother nature cannot possibly be this stupid.
       
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    21. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @Bill Bauer It's just occurred to me that i can improve my analogy for you....

      Severe tinnitus is like being raped and then forced to live with your rapist for the rest of your life, while all your friends, neighbours etc ask you, 'how you getting on with your little friend?....Are they a bit less annoying now?...Isn't it about time you just got used to them pounding your %$£% every single day and night?
       
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    22. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @fishbone You put the hours in bud. Again it's impossible to tell what's genuine in this online world but you seem like a good guy and you've given me a seed of hope. Like you rightly point out it's coming to terms with the grief of what we've lost whilst dealing with the reality of what we now face, highly likely FOREVER. With all the usual stressors of life piled on top severe T for me right now feels as insurmountable as eternally crawling around the world on your hands and knees whilst someone kicks you hard in the bollocks every 100 yards. Some i've managed to cling to my sense of humour and ability to crack a gag amidst the suffering and pain. That and my undying love for my little dog are the only things that remind me that a part of the old me still exists.
       
    23. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @Wolfears I hear you man. That's what makes this so hard for family and friends too. A year ago i was the guy my friends looked up to. Good looking, funny, successful, million pound house in London, holiday home on the coast, nice car, into fitness and diet. All the stuff people aspire to even though it never meant all that much to me. I just loved walking, writing, reading, gardening, camping, hanging with my partner watching movies, sleeping soundly with the dog tucked under my legs. Simple pleasures. I wanted to one day have a farm and take in rescue animals and that was all than kept me working in the material world. I'm nearly 40 and was ready to make the leap and then WHAM! Have a dose of this nightmare. Which only underlines how insanely cruel this condition is and why right now i would rather not be here. It literally took all my favourite pastimes and dreams of the future and slaughtered them with noise. Add to the cruelty everyone reminding me of all my positive attributes and not realising how they're all inconsequential now because my T is so overwhelming. It's a sneaky nasty bitch of a affliction that hides it's claws from everyone but those who truly suffer.

      I know that i don't need to explain this to you but i suppose a part of me hopes that someone somewhere will read this and realise how much we need their help. But to be honest i often wonder now if it's too late. Even if the ringing disappeared tomorrow the fear of it's return and the echoes of trauma will remain for a lifetime. Doctors and the bleedin tinnitus associations don't get it. We get f***ed with this noise for no earthly reason and they expect us to just be chilled out and relax to constant nature sounds. They need to wake up. The internet exists and it's groaning with suicide stories. The Tinnitus genie is out of the bottle and the only way it's going back in is with a recognised cure.
       
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    24. Alex Senkowski
      Inactive

      Alex Senkowski Member

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      My T is the result of otosclerosis and hearing loss. It was catastrophically bad 5 years ago and every night with it was The Dark Night of the Soul but spread out over several months. I don't think my thoughts will ever again approach the level of darkness I was nurturing during that time. But somehow it has gone down significantly since then. Whether it be through medication or non-toxic distraction, do WHATEVER you can do to bring and keep your mood up.
       
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    25. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Bam

      Bam Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Neck/stress
      @Wolfears Forget to agree with your comment about it being the work of some dark malevolent forces. Unfortunately when it first started i was so convinced of this (after severe insomnia, delirium, bad hypnotism/drug combo) that i had a psychotic breakdown which led to my getting really f***ed up and being hospitalised. I'm talking voices, visions, total collapse, mind gone. I'll never forget the fear. Another level. Again it was because it felt so targeted to destroy my favourite things. So downright vicious. Olanzapine brought me down but my T went f'in berserk.

      @Alex Senkowski Thanks Alex. I'm trying dude. Clinging to what i still have left, salvaging something, anything from the wreckage and attempting to put one weighted foot in front of the other.
       
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    26. Lane

      Lane Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ototoxic Drug
      Hi @Bam

      So sorry to hear how distressing these times are for you, and how the past several months have brought you where you are at today--especially since you had so much going for you. I don't really know what I can say to help you feel better, so I won't really try too hard. However, I will share with you something important I've learned for myself in my relatively short 4-month battle with with what started out as screeching cicadas tinnitus, and almost unfathomable extreme hyperacusis.

      I tried a number of different things, many of which you're likely aware of. I can't really say what combination of things I've done have helped me make a very modest amount of improvement. But the one thing that I felt impacted my sense of well being more than anything else was HBOT. I could go into a session feeling absolutely miserable, and within 30 minutes, feel an almost miraculous relaxation begin to settle into my entire being.

      And I would consistently feel enormously better for the next couple days or so, before the relentlessness of t & h would eventually wear me down again. I did a total of 10 sessions altogether, and then had to quit because I couldn't afford them any longer (I've been on limited disability income for the past 20 years because of my debilitating Myalgic Encephamyalitis--also known as CFS). My goal now is to find a way to finance a mild HBOT unit I can set up in my home and use on an almost daily basis.

      If I would start out with one single recommendation for anybody new (and not so new as well) to this horrendous t and/or h experience, I would say to check out what it's like to do an HBOT session(s). And if it's very positive for your emotional and psychological well being (as it was for me), then purchase one, and see if regular HBOT sessions help significantly with coping. I took the time to write this, as it appears you would be able to swing purchasing one of these kinds of units, which generally run $12,000-$20,000 US dollars brand new. Less expensive if they're used.

      I sincerely wish you the very, very best as you go through this difficult period.

      Lane
       
      Last edited: Jun 7, 2018
    27. Agrajag364

      Agrajag364 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      @Bam really, please hold on to the fact there is every chance the volume of your tinnitus may go down as yet. People like Fishbone and Glynis are the graceful superstars of the world and I look up to them and yes it's possible you and others will have to learn the same grace. But from what I understand loud tinnitus does quite often reduce in volume over time even if it doesn't go away. Do you have hearing loss?
       
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    28. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      $12000-$20000, right?
       
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    29. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      @Bam , could you please go into a little more detail about what had caused your tinnitus?
       
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    30. Alex Senkowski
      Inactive

      Alex Senkowski Member

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      Sounds like you have a lot of great things in your life. Ironically, those things also give you more reason to feel stressed by your T. When you're with your friends and generally living it up, that annoying tone kicks in and you start obsessing over WHY it can't just go away for a little bit and let you enjoy things. Then it just snowballs from there and the tone grows and swells along with the attention you give it.
       
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