Long Summer's Break — When My Tinnitus Started, I Was Lying in Bed, Listening to Meditative Beats

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Legien, Dec 27, 2020.

    1. Legien

      Legien Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:

      I was lying in bed one evening listening to meditative beats. I heard a high pitch sound from one side of my headphones. It felt odd to me and yet I didn’t give it much thought.

      Shortly thereafter I noticed a “tickle” in my ear. Almost as if an invisible feather was tickling the inside of my cochlea.
      No matter how hard I tried I could not find relief. I began to hear a high pitched ringing in my head. Like a lot of you it was a high pitched Eeeeeee. To make matters worse the oscillating noise from anything electric intensified the condition.

      I have seen an ENT and an audiologist, both of which told me my hearing is in excellent condition. At this point I began to worry. It seemed as if nothing would help. The specialists were friendly and gave me good advice, however nothing stopped the tinnitus.

      My mood and health became greatly diminished. I lay awake at night and sleeping periodically. Lack of sleep and the inability to focus on anything other than the constant ringing led to a depressive state.

      I began to reflect. How is this possible? What can cause such a thing? I was in the military and part of my job was jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. It wasn’t so much the jumping out as it was the landing that hurt. I had my bell rang quite a few times falling from the sky. Could this be the problem? Giving this some thought and consideration I received an MRI. Nothing found and nothing noted. Again I sank into a pit of depression.

      The days grew longer and my depressive state became worsened. My diet became takeout and my inner drive was stuck in neutral if not reverse. My condition began to worsen. The good doctor recommended Wellbutrin for my mood. I didn’t like the idea at first but gave it a shot. To be honest, I didn’t like the way it made me feel. It did nothing for my tinnitus and made me feel numb and disconnected from my emotions. Which, to me was exactly opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. More to follow on this point.
      I stopped taking my medication and sought out therapy.

      I began to see a therapist to talk about my issue. That was the most empowering quest I have ever embarked upon. I began to see that some of my behaviors were manifestations of actions that occurred throughout my life. Left unresolved I began to develop habits that became detrimental to myself and others around me. The process of self discovery with the work of a trusted therapist allowed me to become vulnerable. Within that vulnerability I became honest with who I am. It was one of the hardest thing to do. Being honest not fully knowing if the person would accept me and my truths. It was well worth it and there are good people out there who want to listen and help.

      I began to see the world a bit differently. The people I once kept away at arms length began to feel special to me. I began to feel confident. I was the happiest I had ever been. Yet the ringing still persisted. What else was there? I made a mental list. Emotional and mental health in check. Diet and exercise lacking. I began to run... again. Slowly at first. Soon enough I was running twice a day and my physical health was improving immensely. I began to eat cleaner and more regularly. Less delivery.

      I received a health diagnosis that brought me to my knees. I lost sight of my steady progress and sank farther than I have ever sank before. I gave up. Everything I fought for began to crumble away. The foundation I worked so hard to establish withers away. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. Eventually I lost my career and housing. Sleeping behind convenience stores and roaming aimlessly throughout the night. Hungry, emotional and feeling outcasted I turned to my family. With the help of a few good people they supported my health and allowed me to get into a program dedicated to helping veterans.

      I spent some time around some of the strongest and bravest individuals around. Building relationships with people that inspired me to believe in myself and feel confident again.

      I have had my ups and downs and decided to take time for myself to figure out who I was. I traveled here and there. Talking to people that have shared a similar experience. I was taken in by a loving family that gave me comfort and good conversation. It was the support I needed. My travels didn’t stop there. I continued to move along and talk openly about my experiences and I was pleasantly surprised by the people that you know “who” put in my path.

      I have found that people are more generally accepting if honestly is at the forefront. I have also learned that the people that have shared experiences are usually the best to communicate with. It can be hard for others to understand what we have gone through, having not gone through it themselves. Not to say that people won’t listen and be there for you but there is something to be said about sharing an experience with someone who has walked the path with you or beside you.

      I have taken part in men’s therapy groups and talked openly with others about my issues. I began to see that as a men we have the ability to open up and be heard. It isn’t a weakness to share your feelings. Keeping your feelings locked and keyed will only hurt you in the long run. One of the biggest takeaways is understanding that to forgive myself I have to forgive others who have walked a similar path. I’m no saint and far from perfect. Meaning my emotions are energy and this energy isn’t always a ray of sunshine. However I continue to work hard and pause when needed to reflect.

      That being said I find that it isn’t any one thing that helps this issue. It is a bit of a puzzle. Exercise, emotional stability, friends that understand, family that listens (two way street of course), proper diet and the right kind of medicines make this journey a whole lot easier.

      This can be a difficult task and overwhelming at times, and although I am new to this forum I am no rookie in this game. If I can be of any help to others that need a friend or just an open ear, you can count on me. I am hear if you need me.
      • Hug Hug x 3
    2. Drachen

      Drachen Member

      United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      December 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Currently unknown; likely noise-induced
      Wow, this is quite inspirational in and of itself.

      Firstly, while I don't know to which country you belong, I thank you for your service in the military. At least in the United States, it is utterly distressing how many of our veterans have to deal with tinnitus in their daily lives. It really makes me wonder why the Department of Defense is not putting more money into supporting fields such as regenerative medicine which is likely to bring relief.

      I am also fascinated with your progression into someone that has truly been able to unlock their inner feelings, express them, and process everything in such manner. This is almost indicative of a superpower; at least, that's how it feels to me. Therapy seems to work well for some, and it may work well for me too. My last experience with a psychologist did not go very well, and both the mental and financial cost of shopping around, especially in an area that seems to have very few quality medical professionals, can be burdensome.

      I appreciate you taking the time to join Tinnitus Talk and share your story. I would certainly love to hear any further specifics you have about your habituation process that might be useful for me. My current symptoms may very well be temporary for whatever reason, but I want to ensure I am prepared, because in this short term I have not reacted very well mentally and physically to this thing.

      Best wishes and be well.
    3. billie48

      billie48 Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not sure
      Welcome to the forum. That is a long piece of eloquent writing about your life. Thank you for being so honest here. It looks that you have gone over the hump on the suffering of tinnitus. Your experiences of reaching to this habituated state with tinnitus can of course help many others, especially veterans coming to this forum. You are most welcome to read some introductory posts or those on the main support forum and see if you can help. This is like a service to the suffering humanity as we are helping to lift the pain of those suffering from intrusive tinnitus. Welcome! God bless.

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