My Girlfriend Is Leaving Me

There is a big difference between being strong emotionally and confident as a man while being physically hurt.

Each woman I dated knows about my noise damage - caused by rifles and machine guns shooting mainly , and 3 decades of loud clubbing - because they see me with plugs or muffs in normal situations such as restaurants , shopping malls, trains or noisy streets etc.. and I tell them to lower their voices at home , but the difference is that I don't show depression , I don't cry or whine about it to them.

I make sure we are having a good time and I really don't want to share how much this is is actually affecting me emotionally ...and in fact I'd rather forget about the whole thing for as often as I can

Bottom line is : Women are turned off by weak guys who cling to them emotionally but not by confident guys wearing ear protection in noisy places !

 

Sounds like you can't get much worse Bill. I'd say 'fuck it' and just start going out and living your life. You already seem to be living the life of a hermit. You say she only wants you to try a bit more. Just do it!

 

Hello Bill ,
Sorry to hear that ..
Tinnitus is so hard to deal with and the emotional termoil and worrying about making things worse.
I would come on here together and we can support you both.

My advice would be sitting down and talk and make small targets to aim for at your own pace ,..
Counselling and AD meds can help.
Depression can take away your confidence but It will come back as you move one step forward towards a target
....lots of love glynis

 

Seems like shes a great lady, dont give up on life just yet,
i know its selfish for me to say since i havent been in your shoes
but just keep trying, she seems to be very very understanding and supports you.
go ahead and get the stem cells or whatever you need to do.
thats my uncalled advice

 

What Glynis said.
Why don't you tell your girlfriend its OK to take a break because you understand you are difficult to live with if its meant to be with her, you will find your way back together if you recover a bit. I also like what Candy wrote.

Bill we have had this conversation before. You are a mess with or without your girlfriend because its about your condition and not her. You need drug therapy badly. You have been unable to move from your severe depressed and anxious state. Your brain chemistry ain't making the grade. You need medicine to regain some objectivity in your life and hopefully some level of enjoyment...with or without a girlfriend.

We all wish you well.

 

@bill 112 I understand your position. My ex-girlfriend also left me two months in but I don't blame her at all actually. It's not because their evil or selfish but they actually have to go on with their lives. I'm sure they actually care a lot but it's a very complex moral situation. Especially when they're young. I know how hard it is to hear this words in your situation, but try slowly slowly to build up your inner strength and happiness without relying on anyone. That's how I did it. I still suffer a lot but I'm much stronger now. I also recommend doing every single treatment you can get the chance to do and at the same time do for example hypnosis and meditation (you can do it from home, google or youtube it). I know you can do it bro

 

The thing is that noise is everywhere ! So with H it makes life VERY complicated !

The best thing for me would be to not have the desire to have a girlfriend for a serious relationship, I really would like to focus on me but it is very difficult !

And also because the places where you can meet anyone are also too loud !

 

Did she also leave you because of your T ?

 

Pretty much yes. But I think at the same time I was pushing her away because I felt so extremely bad and didn't think I was worthy her love

 

So many interesting replies!

Sounds like she is worth fighting for Bill. Don't put pressure on yourself right now. She has been there with you through quite a lot now. And it does get frustrating for the girl so she is venting her feelings. And you understand those feelings.

You are a compassionate guy. Just show signs of trying in some way. Dust the dirt off your butt and get back on the horse and try again. Don't give up.

Hyperacusis is so hard to overcome. Keep hope. I was housebound for one year. I am not sure or cannot remember how mine got better. It is still there. I don't go out to loud places anymore. I just adjust myself to what I can tolerate. I go to sporting events with my husband once in a while. I know he is disappointed that I am unable to go with him. But we adjusted to that and he goes with friends now.

Sort of a give and take type of situation in relationships.

 

Patrick have you spoken to her since the breakup? Sorry this happened to you.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. She wants to leave not because of the limitations of your ear condition. She wants to leave because you're toxic to be with. You're a sinking ship and she doesn't want to go down with you.

But you do have two options, even if you probably feel hopeless right now. You either hold on to the anchor that weighs you down, or grab the oars that will push you forward.

Good luck with your choice.

 

I love this sentence/advice Lex. First time I have read it.

 

Anyone know what happened to bill112? Is he doing ok?

 

Bill-

*lots of typos; apologies. I wrote it on my ipad, and my T n H were red linkng

Its hard to offer advice cohesively through this type of medium, but here goes. I wrote way more then I expected, and I predicate this with the statement that I see you Bill. I see your worry, your anxiety, your frozen state. I have been there. So while i have my own concern sending this, forgive me if it offends; it comes from truly wholesome desires for you.

Your girlfriend sounds like a rock star. The support she has given you is profound, and it is clear that she has been operating from many places. She will most likely have personal fears of her own, and she clearly loves you so seeing you go through this personal challenge would be difficult to anyone with a loved one suffering.

You have two problems - relationship problems, and this loop of depression and anxiety you have created for yourself, unconsciously but its what WHAT WE DO - WE DO DEPRESSION, WE DO ANXIETY, ETC. This is also called a Safe Problem. Its a beautiful mind trap - get stuck in a loop of anger, hurt, frustration, followed by feelings of depresssion, sadness and loneliness. Ironically the worry, the depression is serving your nervous system on some deep level - in a world of T and H, when every day is unknown, you DO KNOW you can DO DEPRESSION, so you meet your need for comfort and certainty by doing it. Ironically all of this uncertainty also serves you, even if its scary. Feeling depressed allows you to feel connection, with yourself and you get people to feel sorry for yourself. It works, but you are not growing, which is what our souls hope for as part of becoming the best people we can be. Because you are in a relationship, your girlfriend is also stuck on this loop with you, not growing too.

If you meet your girlfriends needs, she Will Not Leave You. People who are depressed are focused on themselves - i dont mean this to be harsh btw. Depression is a nice way to avoid taking some risks. But bu taking risks our lives are richer, we experience more fidelity, we grow and expand in so many ways. Being Certain and Comfortable with depression - you wont feel your soul fulfilled at all, but you will meet your needs.

Right now evidently the key is to try to get yourself out of this depression. Recognize you are allowing yourself into it, that you can if you really wanted to, sit down and spend 5 minutes on a cognitive restructuring exercise and change your whole world view of your anxiety and worry, and be reconnected to that Bill inside of you that you've lost touch with.

You know what to do; you mention it in the opening post. You had the courage to post here - you took action which proves you know you need to take action and that you have the balls to be a man and take action. I see that. But this feedback loop of depression is working out for you, until it doesnt. There are two key primary morivators we can grab a hold of when we get in these loops that stop us miving forward - we recognize that by stepping into the risk, away from the safe problem, we get to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally even ohhsically. And if we are lucky, thise people that mean so much to us get to grow too, just as deeply. And that light that shines from within our hearts as we step into the unknown, we know that our own growth is helping us contribute beyond ourselves, for others no matter who they might be. So you hold your heqd up. You change your state, your physiology, and you start taking action, and you do this to grow, to model a growth mindset, to be a model for others so that in some small way your wctions will leqd someone else from the dark into the light. We all want this; its part of our nature if we look deep enough in our souls to see it. And your post here already shines so brightly.

I write this with my T t 9 and my H at 10. I am sat next to my wife while she watches tv on our expensive home cinema I just purchased right before I lost my hearing. And i have meditated tonight. I have done 30 minutes CBT, and even though I have had dark moments, I REFUSED to DO DEPRESSION. I want to model resilience and strength, courage and masculine energy to my wife and two daughters. As soon as I made this about modelling to them, and to the team I run at work, I havent ince slipped back into depression.

You have all of the resources my friend to transcend this, to give the T and H new meanings, and to re-align yourself with the man you want to be. And deep down all you also want to do is truly make her happy. You can make her heart soar to the clouds by making a decisin right now to change the script. One of the misnomers of depresssion is that it creates a story and then we get to share that story and people feel sorry for us; we get a very low quality experience of connection with ithers this way. Yet the misnomer is to truly feel loved, we must GIve love unconditionally, and likewise we should connect with others deeply, on their level and the result will be that we too feel connection deeply. Better quality means of achieving the same goal.

A key way to commect with your girlfirend too will be to start listening to her. Feminine energy likew to discuss details, and all sorts about whats going on in their lives to their partners, and they want to be heard. They dont want fixing, they want to be truly listened to and heard. They want our masculine presence to show up. The problem is, with T and H listening is hard....but its not impossible. I listen to my daughters every night - we do 10minutes each, where I literally listen to every single detail of their day. They play me music, they shiw me their dances, to loud music, and I show up. I domwhatever I need to,do, and sometimes i might out an ear plug in, but I show up. And I domthis because i have cinnected to it a deeper motivation - to model strength and courage to my daughters. By making it bigger than me, Its not possible for me to be stuck in depression. I do it with my wife too. My H can red line at 10mfor a long time and I even get the sweats due to the intensity. But I also,know, once my wife is finished, I will and do feel so proud of myself to showing up and being that man I always dreamed Imwouldmbe when I was a kid watching super heroes.

Its literally the meaning we give things that determines how we respond and who we become; a single, simple choice. And I am sure your girlfriend, once she sees your true strength and courage, will shine brighter and be stringer with you I am sure.

Mf.

 

@bill 112
How are you doing these days? Hope you are well.

 

Hi Michael,

I am in a dark place currently and this gives me hope!

Bill, I am sorry to learn of your current situation! I am hoping that things with your gf can be recovered and I wish you both all the best in going forward! I have had similar discussions with my wife over the years. Whilst we have a condition that is very intrusive to us, we also have to try and manage their expectations and desires to do things and this is certainly not easy!

Hope you guys find a way! Good luck brother!

 

HI @Elfin

You might want to click on the link below and read the post and hope that you start to feel better soon.
All the best
Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/acquiring-a-positive-mindset.23969/

 

That "ditch the bitch" message around here is one of the worst advices I've ever read and I've been surrounded too much time by narrow minded macho crap who, among other serious patologies have suffered from a severe lack of knowledgement about what love is and feels like (coming this from a girlfriend or from a mother, father, friend, etc...) and some serious sex deprivation.
My man, I feel you 100%. I am myself involved in a relationship which in this case works. She is aware of my condition because she also suffers it (in a really mild way in comparison). There are loads of fun, good comunication, understanding, good sex, confidency, etc... LOADS.
She is a club animal. Loves to go to concerts, djing, anything music related. Cinema. Loud science conferences. Well, the kind of venues someone like us avoid at all costs. I try to go with her and with my much beloved pair of earplugs and I enjoy myself a lot. And I tell you my T is the worst shit you can imagine.
Even with all this in mind there are days when I think I am conning her offering someone who has a condition like mine. I torture myself thinking she could get even more joy from life dating a fully healthy bastard.
If that were the case I could do nothing but respect her decision. I would suffer like Jesus in the bloody cross but... what could I do?
We all are free individuals. Dont judge. Try to be in her shoes. Never take prisoners with you.

 

I'm not going to suger-coat this.

Your girlfriend is clearly a bitch not worth keeping as she dumps you when times get rough. She should stay with you and take care but instead she run away looking for greener pastures. This was a good shit test for her. She clearly only think about herself when shit gets real.

I know it hurts to get dumped, but whatever girl you think you love doesn't exist. Love makes you blind.

Regarding your T. Don't worry it will get better. Get your feelings under control and start taking your life back step by step. T is not your problem, your reaction to it is. I don't know how long you've had T but I had T for 2 years before I saw any real improvements. I still have T but my attitude changed. Anxiety and fear is long gone. I simply don't give a shit anymore about my T.

 

Sounds the ideal situation! What methods did you take to reach this point?

 

I didn't do anything special I just got used to it. But one method that can help is to constantly remind yourself how you're feeling and reacting to T. Try to look at your feelings from 'the outside'. Don't feel your feelings. Observe them. Same with your thoughts. Don't think you are your thoughts, just observe them.

In time you will realize that you are neither your feelings or your thoughts, but the entity behind it who observe it all. When you realize that everything becomes much more bearable.

I know all this sounds like alternative horseshit but it's actually something to it. If it helps why not use it?

Another thing I did was to NOT try to mask or distract myself from T. I think masking is a bad thing as you give yourself the idea that T is bad. Something you need to run from. You will never get used to T with that mindset. You have to accept the sound as a part of yourself, and not some alien sound that's not supposed to be there. First then will your brain start to ignore the sound to the level that you don't even notice it.

I can sit in a silent room with a screaming T but I don't notice it as I have no reaction to it anymore. I can zone it out 100%. Sure sometimes I notice it but then I think: "Ooh. That sounds. Okay". No reaction.