Struggling to Keep Going

Kolisar

Member
Author
Benefactor
Jul 22, 2017
441
Tinnitus Since
birth?
Cause of Tinnitus
unknown
As I have mentioned before, I have had tinnitus my entire life. I had a recent spike a few years ago, and another a number of weeks ago. This latest one is starting to become unbearable. I have serious trust issues which makes seeing a counselor difficult, and I have attempted to end my life before (I cannot now as I not only promised someone I would not, but I also promised someone who promised me that they would not that I would be here to help them). That being said, I have never wanted to end my life more than I do right now. I don't feel that I can take this any more, yet I have no other choice.

I'm sorry for posting this. I try to stay positive and especially try not to be negative here as I know how difficult tinnitus can be, especially for people for whom it is new. I have needed to get this out for a while now but I know that everyone else here is going through similar things, and many far worse (e.g. hyperacusis), so I feel guilty about not being able to cope with something I have had my entire life and my particular issues seem quite insignificant compared to other's here.

I do not even know what I expect to gain from this post, but I had to get it out somehow.

Again, I apologize for such a negative post.
 
We all have our low points, in our lives... no need to say sorry for your post. Talking things out and letting someone know, can be a wonderful thing. Posting on this forum is great, but talking to someone is much better, in my opinion. Since you have had this, all your life..what changed now? What happened that caused you to feel this way?

From your posts, you seem like a positive person, don't ever give up buddy. A day of disaster can mean, a better day tomorrow. We all struggle and it's hard, but tomorrow can be much better and hopeful...

Tell us what you have been doing, to handle your situation and we can possibly make some recommendations...
 
Having tinnitus since birth does seem unusual. Many times I would say to myself "this would not be so bad if I can just remove my memories. If I could just forget there was ever a time before pain and tinnitus." … But here we can see that even someone who has lived with it their whole life struggles.

And you need support just as much as anyone here. I cannot blame you if you want to end it. I think to look death in the face is incredibly brave. But I sincerely hope that you do not have to resort to that and that you will find peace and calm.
 
@Kolisar
No need to apologize for your post; I think everyone on the forum would admit that T puts us on a roller coaster of emotions that often come as a surprise to us. Please take good care of yourself, I have not has T nearly as long as you have, but I know when I get down about it I take time to myself, exercise to get some anger out, get a massage, pamper myself and get rest. Be selfish and indulge yourself!
 
We got your back @Kolisar :huganimation:

I´ve been having the same experience as you with my 20 years of T, 5 years ago I got a permanent spike, and 4 weeks ago another spike. I fully understand how you feel and how desperate things can get on the worst days...
I have tried many things for my T, but the thing I find working the best is to find the things that I find hope and belief in. I do meditation, eat healthy and clean, do my best to get enough sleep and take a daily walk. It is no cure, but at least I am doing something motivated by this life with T.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you find a way to get some more inner peace!
 
As I have mentioned before, I have had tinnitus my entire life. I had a recent spike a few years ago, and another a number of weeks ago. This latest one is starting to become unbearable. I have serious trust issues which makes seeing a counselor difficult, and I have attempted to end my life before (I cannot now as I not only promised someone I would not, but I also promised someone who promised me that they would not that I would be here to help them). That being said, I have never wanted to end my life more than I do right now. I don't feel that I can take this any more, yet I have no other choice.

I'm sorry for posting this. I try to stay positive and especially try not to be negative here as I know how difficult tinnitus can be, especially for people for whom it is new. I have needed to get this out for a while now but I know that everyone else here is going through similar things, and many far worse (e.g. hyperacusis), so I feel guilty about not being able to cope with something I have had my entire life and my particular issues seem quite insignificant compared to other's here.

I do not even know what I expect to gain from this post, but I had to get it out somehow.

Again, I apologize for such a negative post.

I'm so sorry Kolisar.
It may not be much of a consolation, but I want to mention to you that on many occasions, reading your posts has really encouraged me.
I do recognise a similar pattern to myself.
I have great determination to succeed, I try to rationalise what is happening to me, and I make plans to reach a place of peace and comfort.
Safe ground, as it were.
Unfortunately, this condition proves to be so wearing, that it renders us very low at times.
A glance at my posts shows this yo-yo effect of 'up and down.'
However, I want you to have a better day my friend, in fact, I might have to insist on it!
Jazzer
 
Since you have had this, all your life..what changed now? What happened that caused you to feel this way?

The recent spike just pushed me over the edge. I have a few people whom I would be able to turn to for help but they have been struggling with issues of their own, and I would rather focus on helping them than distract them with my problems. It has just been a bit too much recently. I'll pull myself together, it has just been very difficult.

It is also the futility of my particular situation, combined with the guilt of wanting to post this. I do believe that most people recover, and I did not want to say otherwise as I did not want to discourage those new to tinnitus. I want them to have hope, and I try to give them that by sharing the success stories of others and provide support as best as I can. But, after an entire life of this I know that mine will never stop, I will never know peace. I do not even feel that I have habituated, my life is just resignation. I feel like a prisoner who is constantly tortured. It is miserable, and I want to die, but I try to carry on and just take it knowing that it will probably never end.

As I said, I will get over this and I probably shouldn't have even posted about this. Thank you for your reply and support.
 
I think to look death in the face is incredibly brave. But I sincerely hope that you do not have to resort to that

Thank you. (un)Fortunately, it is not an option. I have made promises to people whom are extremely important and special to me, and I intend to keep those promises.
 
Do you know the cause of these spikes?

No. I have absolutely no idea (I wish I did, because if I have another spike I do not know what I will do). I never used headphones (except on occasion when doing voice-0ver work) and do not expose myself to loud sounds. I went to an ENT recently and nothing was found (other than moderate bi-lateral hearing loss).
 
I want you to have a better day my friend, in fact, I might have to insist on it!

Thank you my friend. I will pull myself out of this, it is just a little overwhelming right now, especially while trying to help a few very dear friends with their struggles. I just ran out of strength. I'll get through this. Thank you.
 
Again, I apologize for such a negative post.

No need to apologize @Kolisar for as @fishbone rightly says, we all have our low points and I've certainly had mine and if I'm truthful will have more. At the moment my tinnitus is intrusive but it would have to become louder before I resort to taking my clonazepam. If possible, try and see a Hearing Therapist for some tinnitus counselling as it can help.

Hope you start to feel better soon.
All the best
Michael
 
Thank you @Michael Leigh . What will "tinnitus counseling" actually do (I will be googling the phrase shortly).


Tinnitus counselling can help a lot @Kolisar Please read my post below.

Can tinnitus counselling help?

There are various kinds of treatments and coping methods for tinnitus that fit into four main categories: Sound therapy, medication, counselling and relaxation techniques. Most people are familiar with sound therapy. It has proven to be helpful relatively inexpensive and can easily be implemented. Medication such as clonazepam is known to help some people and will reduce the tinnitus to a low level or suppress it completely. Not always advisable to be taken long term due to dependency and unpleasant side effects that may result when taken in large dosages. Relaxation techniques including mindfulness based cognitive therapy (MBCT) can be beneficial and is often group based.

I believe tinnitus counselling with or without sound therapy to be the best treatment in helping a person habituate. Whether they are a newbie or someone that has been seasoned to tinnitus for a while and noticed a resurgence in the condition for one reason or another. Some people are apprehensive about counselling and question its efficacy due to the fact we are all different. I have had counselling twice as part of TRT and found it helpful on both occasions. People have contacted me over the years saying they found it beneficial and helped put them on the road to habituation and were thankful having tried it.

It all depends what one expects from this kind of treatment and whether they will be able to find a suitable clinic that practices it. Perhaps more of a deciding factor and importance to some is the financial outlay. This treatment is not cheap and prices vary considerably especially when incorporated into TRT or CBT. Can it be justified when there is no guarantee of the level of success if any? That is something each person will have to decided for themselves, because it is too complex a question for me to answer.

I will say having had this condition for many years, that tinnitus is an integral part of our mental health and cannot be separate from it, because it has a direct impact on our emotions. The more stressed we become the more intrusive it will be. Anything that helps us to relax will usually have a positive impact on the tinnitus and make it more tolerable and less intrusive. Counselling with a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist trained in the management of tinnitus can be of immense help and should be considered especially if a person is having difficulty coping and is already taking an antidepressant or similar medication.

People have asked me how can counselling lower the tinnitus? Again, we are all different, but I advise anyone with this thinking to try and not be too negative. Of course be prudent and ask questions but approach it with an open mind as it can be all to easy to convince themselves that it won't work, so you could be setting yourself up for failure before you have even begun. A therapist works with a patient is a specific way. First discussing how the tinnitus makes them feel and how it has impacted on their life. Often people say they have lost interest in the things they once liked doing, which is understandable. Those they are close to particularly loved one's don't understand what they are going through which can put a lot of to strain on a relationship.

Through talk therapy a person learns to look at life differently and with a more positive outlook. Over time the negative thinking that is often associated with tinnitus is gradually dispelled and demystified. The therapist does this in a controlled and precise manner so that the patient feels relaxed and not pressured. In many instances the tinnitus is gradually pushed further into the background making it less prominent.

I believe this is best done with a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist who has been trained in the management of tinnitus. Often these people have tinnitus or experienced it at some time in their life. Therefore, they will have a depth of understanding and be able to empathize with a patient rather than someone who is just a counsellor and having no experience with this condition.

Michael
 

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