Suicidal

Probably not a good omen for one of my first posts to be in this thread but here we are.

I had mild tinnitus for some 15 plus years but a recent testicular cancer diagnosis and the subsequent chemo have skyrocketed it. I got a new high-pitched ringing to my left ear that I can’t mask even in the shower, in there it sounds like lasers firing, and I still have one chemo cycle left to do.

If I had known this would happen, I would have just let myself die of the cancer. My quality of life is already fucked, and am inevitably going to end up on anti-anxiety medication. I know meds are risky as a tinnitus sufferer but I’m hanging on by a thread barely a month in.

 

Some of us, including myself to some extent, who suffer from suicide ideation on here seem to be saying they really suffer from not getting validation from others. This is not unique to severe tinnitus/hyperacusis. For example people who suffer from neuropathy, colitis, IBS, scoliosis, fibromyalgia, some brain injuries, severe depression also experience this as well since it's not physically noticeable to most people or they just can't relate to it personally. People who have never suffered with chronic pain in their lives & are not in the health profession really have a difficult time understanding & empathizing with others that do suffer. We have to accept this unfortunate fact of life, otherwise it can only contribute further to our decline in health & possibly prevent us from some recovery. A loved one should never question you about your suffering, unless they have some reason to based on your past. We need to surround ourselves with those who support us & trust what we tell them. We shouldn't have to convince anyone of our suffering, especially health professionals who for most part have little understanding about this condition. Because there is no real objective tests for this condition it puts an extra burden of evidence upon us. If your physician doesn't believe you, then give him/her a list of websites that explains this condition such as ATA & Tinnitus UK. Also a list of those on YouTube who suffer with this condition or a print out of some of comments on Tinnitus Talk.

 

What therapies and medications have you tried?

 

DBT, individual therapy, Ketamine, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Prozac, Latuda :/ Kind of afraid to explore any more antidepressants because they pretty much all have tinnitus listed as a side effect. I think my tinnitus is 100% noise induced but I can't help but wonder if ototoxicity from all these meds played a role in cumulative damage. I'll never know for sure. I also get migraines so I've taken NSAIDs many times and those are ototoxic as well, although I'm not sure to what extent they could contribute to permanent tinnitus.

 

I’m very close to not going through with the chemotherapy. My quality of life is so poor and I’m only 32. My mother looks distraught and I don’t want to hurt her but I’m already suffering beyond a level I can cope with and she seemed to understand, or is she maybe hoping I’ll change my mind.

 

I started using hearing aids 2 years ago and they have dramatically reduced the ringing in my ear. I believe that they only help if you have a substantial hearing loss. You will know within 10 minutes of trying them on if they will help you.

 

I'm sorry you haven't found anything that works yet It sounds like you are also dealing with multiple other health factors (migraines, being neurodivergent) which complicates things. I also totally understand the hesitancy to try things in case they worsen tinnitus. But there are doctors that specialize in treatment-resistant depression, and there are a lot of other options, so please don't give up until you've exhausted everything. Therapies like CBT and ACT, a bunch of other types of meds like anticonvulsants -- it doesn't look like you've tried anything from that class -- etc., new antidepressants that have just been FDA-approved, TMS, psilocybin. And for tinnitus -- Susan Shore's device on the horizon. I have my fingers crossed you'll find something that helps.

 

Got guilted into backing out of this decision. I don’t think my parents know that I’ll inevitably end up killing myself or am slowly saving up for a VAD rather than live another 30 plus years like this, especially if cycle 3 of the chemo makes my already debilitating condition worse.

I can’t sleep without drugs and I’m in a state of constant borderline panic attack levels of anxiety. I don’t want to live like this for long.

 

This is beyond horrible, Leon. Hold out hope. You never know what's going to happen. I also posted in this thread. I always loved life and the idea of suicide was so incredibly foreign and incomprehensible to me. It is less so foreign now, but the truth is, this is the worst thing one can do, especially if you have loved ones. Yes, there may be a breaking point, and I think every one has it (but most of us will not reach it), but hope you will beat cancer and that tinnitus will go away over time. Wish you the best.

 

My heart goes out to you brother. What a struggle you are enduring. Sending you love and hugs, everybody here is. The chemo sounds brutal and it is ramping your tinnitus up to levels that are unbearable.

Perhaps your mom is right. See if the chemo treatment works and also see if your tinnitus quiets down. Chemo and surgery cranks tinnitus up, but I have read of cancer survivors and surgery survivors (me) where the tinnitus came down to very annoying but bearable level.

I don't know about meds, they were given to me, but I didn't take them. I did end up self-medicating on Valium for about a year and it really helped me sleep and calm me down. Perhaps a benzo could really help you right now? You can always taper off. I hear Trazodone in low doses is good for sleep. What kind of meds did they give you for sleep?

And while I am giving really bad advice, please cut me some slack as I mean well.

Make sure your diet is the best. Get your mom and family to get you soups with salmon, garlic and vegs, and nutrients to build you up.

My dear Leon K Fox, I am truly sorry you're suffering and pray that your luck shifts and you heal from cancer and tinnitus. This does happen and may happen for you too.

I hope you can get your anxiety level to come down, a head massage around your temples will help greatly.

Keep posting when you need to and let us know how you are going.

Sending you a big hug from Laos and a heap of love and understanding.

Sincerely,
Daniel

 

Two posts up I was telling Leon to hope for better days. I do not feel like I have much hope for myself, given the hearing damage from acoustic trauma.

Does anyone here feel the sorrow, pain, regret right in their heart? Like physically? Like heart/chest pain. I get this gripping spasm sensation. It's like my mental pain transcends into physical one...

 

Yes. I also get heart/chest pain.

 

You guys are probably right. I need to give a few weeks for the antidepressant (Sertraline) to kick in, perhaps then I’ll be less distraught by the mere fact I can hear the ring 24/7. It hasn’t affected my tinnitus and, as I said in a previous post, I know meds are a gamble but I *need* any help that I can get, especially since I still have one chemo cycle left to go and I just have to pray it doesn’t get much worse still.

Maybe I might be able to get back to some of my pre chemotherapy hobbies...

 

Yeah. I never felt it before this. I never was depressed, not even close

Tinnitus right now is boiling in my head. Like the grinder's sped up and amped up. Why?! No sleep tonight, maybe that's why, who knows...

 

Even with the Zopiclone and now Diazepam I’m getting sleep in hourly increments. I’m going to die from sleep deprivation before the cancer could ever have done me in. I’m getting desperate for a full night’s sleep, I haven’t had one in over a month. It’s likely fueling the suicidal thoughts even more.

 

Be careful not to make your tinnitus and hyperacusis worse. They can get so bad that life becomes impossible, no exaggeration; where you’re literally trapped in a paradox; where even brushing your teeth or taking a bath worsens you, and every little sound becomes kryptonite to your ears; where even protection offers no cessation for the hell you’re facing daily ... a war of cosmic terror. That’s what’s happened to me. It’s wild that I’m 100% healthy otherwise, but 2 pea-sized organs — or type II nerves that are smaller than grains of salt — have rendered life impossible, and paradoxical. If I were to get cancer right now, I’d have no choice but to let it take me out. I’m already well-beyond incapacitated. So be careful. But I also fear death, as I genuinely believe in Jesus Christ, though I've asked for salvation. It’s a nightmare to be in this situation, nonetheless.

 

Do you follow a sleep hygiene regiment? There are also newer pills for insomnia which work differently then what you're taking. Do you use sound therapy during sleep time? There's also Melatonin tablets (and natural way's to increase your Melatonin levels) which help with sleep. Have you seen an audiologist who works with tinnitus patients?

 

I'm probably seeing an audiologist that works with tinnitus patients after my cancer treatment is over. I use sound therapy, namely the sound of crickets.

 

I've read it is chemo drugs like Cisplatin that affects the ears. Can you ask if there are alternatives or if they can not use thus particular chemical?

 

I’ve asked and unfortunately not, because the cancer would likely come back and lead to me needing more chemo anyway, probably another full lot of treatment too. So I’m sort of shit out of luck, I’m honestly terrified of getting this last infusion given the condition I’m in already but the idea of re-doing the entire treatment further down the line is even worse still.

 

I thought living in eternal torment was for those who sinned & refuted the "lord".

Perhaps I missed something...

 

The antidepressant (Zoloft/Sertraline) is possibly already kicking in a bit, I think? Not exactly going to call it a miracle but it’s pushing back the suicidal thoughts somewhat with no real effect on my tinnitus yet (believe me, I’ve been monitoring it each day due to the unpredictability of meds and this disease) so we’ll see how this goes.

Insomnia is still a nightmare though.

 

I don’t know if you are able to do this with the other things you have going on but getting drunk is what relieved me on the nights I had no chance of sleeping.

It’s different for everyone as some say drinking makes their tinnitus louder but for me, it completely silences my ears. Sometimes in the mornings when I’m still somewhat drunk they are still quiet. When it wears off and I’m hung over, they tend to be a bit noisier, but it’s a worthy trade off for me. I like to drink anyhow and getting plowed makes me not care and I completely pass out. I’m not telling people to do this by the way but it worked for me. I feel a lot better now and don’t need to drink to get to sleep but when I still do tie one on, my tinnitus is not noticeable.

Honestly when I hit my major panic state with this which lasted about a month for me, I had to get passed out drunk every night and I felt like garbage and was sick of drinking night after night but it sure beat not sleeping. I slowly was able to build back my routine. I’ve always had major sleep problems anyway but all I could do was focus on the noise.

The sleep deprivation for me was the absolute worst part. You start to think some crazy shit when you’ve been up for days. I felt so much better when I would sleep and think to myself I can be alright with this if I can just sleep.

 

Consider apricot kernels and soursop.

 

Update of sorts. The Zoloft is helping to reduce my periods of intense borderline panic attack inducing anxiety and on Sunday I actually had a really good day where I felt like... well, me again, the anxiety manageable and I was indifferent to the tinnitus sound while hanging out with a friend.

Sadly this hasn’t been replicated today or yesterday. I don’t know if the intense dread of going back to hospital for more chemo (last cycle) isn’t helping.

Staying on the antidepressant for now.

EDIT:

Now I’m getting paranoid that the Zoloft might be making the tinnitus worse. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety messing with me or not but with me going into hospital tomorrow I can’t really contact the GP for a few days, and if it does increase, I won’t know if it is the antidepressant or the Cisplatin doing its usual thing. I hope it isn’t the Zoloft because I’ve been really needing it to control my hyper ventilating.

 

Just like everyone else on this thread, I am so tired, so fatigued, tinnitus has worn me out and I am sick of it. I have just passed my 2 year mark for my bad tinnitus. I managed to live for 15 years with mild single tone non-reactive tinnitus that only bothered me when I had a cold, then in May 2021 things went extreme with 3 tones including reactivity 24/7. I am at my lowest ever stage now, I now know it is not going away, whereas I had a little bit of hope before the 2 year mark. My entire day every day is just tinnitus, screaming cicadas louder than everything, reactivity sound that goes louder with everything I hear and sounds like a broken hissing speaker on all sound, then the rumbling truck engine hum that won't stop and makes me sooooo tetchy and short fused with family and friends. On top of my visual snow, vertigo attacks, and blepharitis I just feel defeated. It has also got even louder in the last 2 weeks.

I so loved life 2 years ago, even with my existing issues, and now I just want to be made deaf, but I heard even cutting the nerves can STILL leave you with tinnitus due to the brain causing some of it. I just want silence, when I sleep I love it as I have very vivid and lucid dreams and oddly tinnitus never enters my dreams, so it is like escapism and normality, but when I wake up I instantly hear the noises and I just weep.

I have a portable air conditioner as my place gets boiling hot, and I can't cope with the noise anymore. When I block my ears, I hear the hissing cicadas even louder. If I don't block my ears then I hear the reactivity hissing louder and the rumbling. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

I’m beginning to think the universe or some higher power is deliberately trying to push me to the edge, to get me to take my life. Like a nudge in the ribs saying “you know, you aren’t supposed to be here anymore.” As if struggling with severe mental health problems my whole childhood, teen years, and early adulthood wasn’t enough. As if developing chronic illnesses as a teenager on top of the mental health issues wasn’t enough either.

It feels like a sick joke is being played on me. When I first started to feel like I was adapting to my tinnitus, I felt relieved, then I developed TTTS and hyperacusis. When my TTTS got better in March, I felt relieved, then I developed several new tones in April. When I started to have some better days with my anxiety and response to the new tones, I felt relieved, and then my pulsatile tinnitus got worse. And now here I am. It feels like I’m being tested, like all of this shit keeps piling up - first the mental health issues, then add the physical health, and now these horrible ear issues - and it’s like “oh, she hasn’t broken yet, keep making it worse until she finally gets the hint and let’s go.”

I probably sound crazy right now. I’m just rambling, venting I guess. I’m miserable. And scared.

 

I’m actually making some potentially very real plans to end it all post chemo. I admire the resolve of those who go for years with severe tinnitus because I don’t think I’m going to be one of them.

I feel a deep sense of hurt for my family but I’ll be sure to emphasise in my departing note that it wasn’t their fault and they did everything in their power to help me, unlike a lot of people with these awful condition, I have an amazing support network but it still isn’t enough. I don’t enjoy life anymore, surviving the cancer is a total waste of time.

EDIT:

My suicidal thoughts have momentarily subsided despite my insomnia still being an issue. Just got to hope that I still feel that way after my third and final Cisplatin infusion. I think the Zoloft is definitely benefiting me.

Of course, completely unrelated to my tinnitus nightmare, I found out a decade plus friend is a paedophile. Not exactly the news I needed while I’m trying to learn how to live with 24/7 ringing in my left ear.

 

There are some really quiet A/C on the market today.

 

You sound like me. All the evidence from birth till now has proven that I really wasn't SUPPOSED to be here. I was never actually supposed to even make it out of the womb or be created in the first place. But somehow, I am here. I sometimes genuinely hopeful it means that I'm here for SOMETHING. Anything worthwhile.

You don't sound crazy to me.