T still raging but my mood has stabilised. I'm by no means happy, but at least I'm avoiding the deep pits of despair I was feeling before. Except when I try to listen to music - that really gets me down.
Man im so frustrated. We got these old doors at my work that are "hard to close". You need to close it and then push very hard for it to stay closed. My IDIOT college was closing the door right next to me but instead of doing it the right way he takes and close it by just smashing it shut super hard creating a superloud BAM, i wasnt looking since i was talking to someone else. Anxiety is thru the roof!
My tinnitus has been elavated for like 3-4 weeks now and i cant really find why it got louder. Ive had some misshapps happening but nothing extreme. i also feel a little bit "clogged" in my right ear where the spike is happening. Im getting less and less anxiety over "loud stuff" thats happening so thats good!
I find it difficult to put into words how much I hate this horrible disease. My hate for tinnitus is deep and all-consuming. It has stolen so much life from me and I will never recover from that loss and pain. Never.
I can't bear to look at pictures of my younger self anymore without being overwhelmed by guilt. I'm only 21, but it feels like I've already ruined my life. I just don't see how I could possibly build a future for myself. . And the hardest part is… I don't know if I'll ever get to be a mom. Not the way things are right now.
Feeling more resolute today. Despite the relentless and overpowering T now, I can remember that in the last 13 years I have had more good days than bad days. And on the best days, the T didnt matter one bit. That's got to count for something. I have to believe that I can make it through this hurdle. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
T is very loud today. Trying to deal with it and not break down. Seems like the same pattern every week. M-OK, T-Moderate, W - Severe, T- Moderate, F-OK, Sat -OK, Sun - Severe. OK is not great but livable. Its the humming, hissing, ear sensations... ugh... Sometimes I just don't understand the point of "this".
Currently trying to not care about my tinnitus and hyperacusis and it's actually working. Tinnitus is less reactive and when it is, it doesn't last long (except for the 2 days of ambulance siren phantom noise I got lol)
I have made up my mind. I will not take a Xanax or other benzos before my medical procedure. The risk of a spike not worth it. Now I need to find a way to calm myself enough to be able to go through with the procedure.
Feeling really down. I'm so tired of having to live with this. The psychological and emotional burden of trying to be strong and carry on through every major spike has slowly chipped away at my resolve each time. It's so loud, louder than everything. Nothing can mask it. This is hell
Great, now trying to deal with a new sudden reactive tone/distortion on top of sounds, after 4 years with tinnitus, SBUTT's, scary inner ear sensations, TTTS, MEM, tinnitus spikes etc, now this. Shit keeps piling up. Do you think this can go away? After waking up it seems gone, and ramps up towards the night mostly.
Spent 3,5 hours at a really loud indoors fair. Averaging around 85-90dB. Was using my Sony ANC headphones and the new calmer extra, but feeling like it was not enough and I should have done more.. but it is what it is now. T feels bit more intrusive, but trying to keep anxiety at bay and look forward.