PennyCat

PennyCat

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  • PennyCat
    My beautiful dog, who I picked out at the shelter when I was 13, died on Dec 9th. It was sudden and I had to make the worst decision of my life. She had a tumor rupture in her abdomen and was bleeding out internally. They said this cancer is undetectable until it's too late. I couldn't save her. The grief is making my anxiety about my tinnitus horrific. I guess that's normal? I don't know. I miss my angel. I had her for 12 years and 2 days.

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    PennyCat
    My anxiety has been at a 10/10 catastrophic level for several days. Everything keeps getting worse. I'm genuinely paralyzed with fear and can't calm down. I'm afraid it's going to lead me to harm myself
    View previous comments…
    kingsfan
    I live nearly every day like this as well. I'm sorry you're going through this.
    Sodlin
    I lived like that also for 6 months BUT it gets better. i was sure i was doomed but its amazing how live can get better even though you have no hope. Ive had Tinnitus since i was 14 (33 now) and ive manage my self back to track ALOT of times so you can do it aswell.
    Kain
    Hope you're doing well (enough)!
    PennyCat
    Scrolling thru my own profile posts should provide me enough reassurance that my TTTS will subside again as it has done many times before. But my anxiety will not let me believe that. I can't stop freaking out and am terrified it won't go away this time. Please tell me I'll be okay. I'm so miserable
    PennyCat
    I'm so afraid that everything keeps getting worse and staying worse. I'm not sure it'll ever get better. I know I've improved before, but this time idk. I feel like I have to just give up.
    PennyCat
    When I woke up my hearing in my left ear was muffled (not completely, just had an underwater sensation). It lasted maybe an hour and mostly seems okay now. Also had loud, frequent fleeting T in that ear. ENT said they can see me tomorrow - should I go even if it seems better? If it was SSHL I'd think it would be persisting longer than this. Could maybe just be from my TTTS?
    D
    This kind of episodes troubles me as well. Sudden pressure, loud (different than my usual) tinnitus and sometimes changes in hearing (temporary, lasting around 1 hour). The description fits hydrops, but everytime I saw a doctor they found no other signs of hydrops. So they told me it might be transient ear ischemia, ear migraine, spasm or SBUTT. I also got TTTS and MEM, so I don't know what to think anymore.
    D
    Just in case, I suggest you take some steroids/Prednisone, Betahistine, vasodilators or anything you have in hand.
    PennyCat
    Now my TTTS is back. Since this eventually went away for me and only occasionally flared up, I'm sure it will subside again but I'm scared that it won't. It's one thing after another
    alwaysmasking
    The not knowing is the worst. Well, it got better before, so there's a good chance it'll get better again. Hope you are managing alright!!!
    PennyCat
    Well on the "bright side" I'm no longer freaking out about my normal T because my PT is back/acting up and now I have to deal with that and look into whether I have another stenosis that needs surgery. I want to die.
    PennyCat
    I keep thinking I'm hearing some faint whooshing from my PT again (which I had 2 surgeries for), and my right ear feels full. I can't tell if it's actually happening or if it's because I'm so hyper aware of all sounds and sensations. It seems unlikely it would randomly get worse at the exact time I'm extremely anxious about my normal T. Hopefully it's just anxiety
    PennyCat
    It's really hard to believe that I'll be okay. I really really hope I will, but it's so hard to believe in it.
    PennyCat
    Can spikes last a month (or more) and eventually subside? I think I'm seeing slight improvement as my anxiety slowly comes down, but I don't want to jinx it. Hopefully it will continue to improve.
    View previous comments…
    PennyCat
    I should've clarified I believe this is a spike 100% caused by anxiety. There was no noise exposure. I started fixating on my T again, and the longer I've stayed fixated the worse the T has gotten
    BrOKeN_1
    @PennyCat dont beat yourself up. It is nearly impossibke NOT to fixate upon it. Continue to stay busy whenever possible and keep a reasonable masking noise handy. Hopefully youll see real habituation in the near future.
    PennyCat
    @BrOKeN_1 Thank you. I'm trying my best. I've seen improvement with my dysacusis before and I think the anxiety stirred it up, so that's my biggest barrier right now. My therapist thinks I need more intensive help right now. I'm probably going to be seeing an OCD specialist. My OCD about my T is what I think caused this spike. So I probably need the help
    PennyCat
    I didn't stay away very long. I don't know how to get through this. The distortions are driving me crazy. Clonazepam made it temporarily louder. Vomiting daily. Crying all the time. I'm so scared
    PennyCat
    I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I reached habituation and then the rug was pulled from under my feet and now I'm worse off than I've ever been. I keep getting new tones because my nervous system is shot. I can't calm down, can't stop obsessing, researching, crying.
    PennyCat
    I'm going to try to stay off of here for a little while. I know anxiety is not the cause of my tinnitus but it sure as hell is making it sound 10x worse right now. I need to stop fixating and calm my nervous system down because I'm in a really bad place. I'll check back in at some point, hopefully I'll be doing better
    PennyCat
    Along with the gabapentin, I got prescribed clonazepam today. I'm scared due to risks of both, however they are only for me to take as needed when my anxiety is severe, not consistently/daily. So I think I'll be okay. Don't comment anything suggesting otherwise lol, thanks
    BrOKeN_1
    My unofficial opinion with the clonazepam is to try and take it closer to bed time and not if your already deep into an anxiety attack. Benzos are a great last resort and you can really minimize side effects if taken sparingly. For what it's worth meditation (Mostly controlled breathing) helped calm me somewhat when I was spiraling. Be patient and trust yourself.
    PennyCat
    @BrOKeN_1 Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I haven't been able to pick it up yet because my pharmacy and their warehouse are apparently out of stock, so I have to try to find a different pharmacy that has it and then wait for my psychiatrist to send in a prescription there. The gabapentin hasn't done anything for me so the clonazepam is gonna be my hail mary lmao.
    PennyCat
    Is gabapentin safe for tinnitus? My psychiatrist really wants me to take it right now because I'm so severely anxious but I'm scared of worsening even more
    View previous comments…
    RunningMan
    Some people get visual snow or other visual symptoms, which may go away if you stop. Some people report it has been very effective for sleep.
    PennyCat
    @DimLeb It's not 'just' anxiety. It's so severe and debilitating, I can't stop vomiting multiple times a day and crying all day. Nothing is helping. If I don't have the support of medication I don't think I'll be here much longer
    B
    For what is worth, I have been on Gabapentin for many years without any change in my tinnitus, and it has helped my anxiety. I definitely would keep the dose low, but if you are at your breaking point, a trial of it might make sense.
    PennyCat
    The thing causing me the most issues rn is dysacusis. I keep getting more distortions over my fan and it gives me a lot of anxiety. Does this usually improve?
    PennyCat
    I need my fan to sleep but the distortions scare me so much. I've vomited 3 days in a row from anxiety and I can't stop crying all day every day. I don't know how to get through this anymore
    PennyCat
    Okay last post for now. Sorry I haven't replied to everyone, I read all of your messages and appreciate every one, I'm just too overwhelmed to reply a lot of times. Thank you everyone, seriously.
    PennyCat
    Also, random, but how do you react to posts now?? I only see the like option but sometimes I wanna use a different reaction. I'm not used to the updated site yet lol
    DorianP
    You have to hover your mouse over the "Like" icon for a few seconds to see all the reactions. It took me a while to figure out as it doesn't seem to work on mobile.
    PennyCat
    Ah okay @DorianP that makes sense, I only ever come here on mobile and was wondering why I couldn't get it to work
    PennyCat
    Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. It means more than you know. I turn 25 in a little less than a month and hope I'll be feeling better by then. I was a scared 22 year old when I first got T. Now I'm a scared near 25 year old… lol
    Kam75
    I first got tinnitus when I was 21 year old, during my Erasmus exchange program (but it was very mild). So I know what it is to have hearing issues during youth. I'm 34 now, and I have been having exremely disabling tinnitus for 6 years.
    PennyCat
    I just want someone to help me. But nobody can help with this and I can't help myself
    View previous comments…
    H
    Hey, it's been a while. I don't visit as much as I used to, but I've had plenty of ups and downs—tones that have come and gone. There are occasions when you can fall out of habituation; it's only natural. You're going to have to ride it out; you'll be okay, I promise you.
    PennyCat
    Hi @Hardwell, long time no see. Thanks for taking the time to write to me. It's oddly comforting seeing some familiar people who were with me at my worst. It's been really hard dealing with the loss of habituation and the new distortions/tones but I'm doing my best to plug along. Hopefully I feel better soon
    Kain
    Sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment. Even though we can't help you directly, know that all of us know what you're going through and you are not alone. We're all rooting for you.
    PennyCat
    I genuinely can't get through this. It's worse and worse every day. I don't know what to do. I can't do it I really can't
    View previous comments…
    Kam75
    It's almost the same for me, my tinnitus keeps getting worse each year :cry: Even the strong combination of drugs I take too sleep no longer works (Mirtazapine, Quetiapine, Alimemazine, Melatonin). I'm stuck in my room, losing my mind and my life. This terrible condition took everything from me... I don't want to live like this for the 40 years to come, but I don't want to kill myself neither.
    kingsfan
    I felt this way the past couple of months after my trip to LA, but through all the negative thoughts, sleepless night, and horrible agonizing anxiety my brain was silently adjusting. I'm already having better days, and even though I do have new tones, I am adjusting to them. I still have trouble when I'm at the store with earplugs in and trying to focus over the new noise, but it's a work in progress.
    kingsfan
    You'll get there even if you go kicking and screaming.
    PennyCat
    Can severe anxiety cause a spike/cause new tones to appear? And can those said tones go away again once anxiety settles or am I fucked forever now with a new perma worsening from my anxiety?
    D
    In my experience, extreme anxiety can absolutely cause tinnitus spikes and potentially new sounds, and they can also settle down and go away too, but it usually takes a while---potentially months even after the anxiety is gone.

    Things can absolutely get better, but you need to get your head right, and then just wait for slow improvements. That's my experience as someone with extreme anxiety (and OCD too).
    Kam75
    It is often said that anxiety make tinnitus worse, but I'm not so sure whether this is true. I take as an example the fact that two years ago, I stressed enormously and continuously for at least 2 months (for a personal reason that had nothing to do with tinnitus), and this didn't aggravate my tinnitus or prevent me from sleeping.
    Sodlin
    Agree with DD314. Can take a long while after the anxiety is over before it goes back to normal
    PennyCat
    The more I freak out, the worse my T gets (or seems). And then I freak out more. And then it gets worse. I threw up 3 times today from anxiety. I'm worried I won't get thru this this time
    PennyCat
    I've been crying on and off all day with some severe panic attacks. Woke up in a cold sweat due to anxiety as well. I don't know what to do :( My OCD about my T is killing me
    BrOKeN_1
    Find an outlet asap. Do something. Anything to distract yourself from obsessing. Otherwise you will only continue to spiral. Try meditation and light masking before sleep. And when you wake get moving immediately. Clean. Walk. Watch cat videos on YouTube. Anything but sitting with destructive thoughts about T. This method helps me. Expect the cat videos.. I'm more of a dog person. Lol. 🙂
    PennyCat
    I miss all of my friends from here, you all always encouraged me to keep going when I didn't think I could. I really need that right now. IDK how to do this all over again.
    View previous comments…
    BrOKeN_1
    Wash Rinse Repeat

    It's how it goes with this condition. You will manage as before I believe. It can certainly be soul crushing when you feel like your starting from scratch agian. But generally you will manage. And even though it seems rough now. It doesn't usually take as long as the first time around. SPIKES ARE HELL.
    PennyCat
    @SpiralPath @tpj Thank you both. I'm having a really hard time right now. A bunch of distortions that previously settled/lowered are back with a vengeance, I'm sure due to my anxiety. I just want to get thru this :(
    PennyCat
    @BrOKeN_1 Thank you :( I guess I didn't really think of this as a spike but it makes sense. All of my spikes have been permanent increases, but this seems like just a falling out of habituation. Although now that my anxiety has been elevated for a while, my tinnitus does seem much worse and seem to be spiking.
    PennyCat
    I don't understand how I managed to fall out of habituation so randomly and suddenly. Every little sound is freaking me out. I can't stop listening to the orchestra of tones no matter how hard I try ;(
    kingsfan
    I think even the most subtle increase in tinnitus can cause our nervous systems to go on high alert
    PennyCat
    @kingsfan Last week my T didn't actually seem any worse, I was just more aware of it. But now it seems much worse, altho my guess is it's because of how anxious I've been. My nervous system is definitely on high alert. I'm having panic attacks left and right
    kingsfan
    This is highly anecdotal, but were you having other stressors in your life previously that you have now cleared up? Strangely, my tinnitus always seems to be less of a bother when I have another immediate stressor (fire to put out). I do believe I have undiagnosed ADHD though.
    PennyCat
    New problem: sudden onset vertigo and nausea. Urgent care says it's benign positional vertigo, which is fairly common. Hoping it subsides and isn't anything more severe
    O
    I have experienced BBPV. This link will explain the home Epley maneuver. It has helped me.
    PennyCat
    @OneRingyDingy I don't see a link. I have tried a different maneuver that was suggested to me, but haven't tried the Epley. It seems hard to do but I might give it a go. Thanks for telling me it helped, that's reassuring to hear!
    PennyCat
    I just want to be okay. I want to get back to my mostly habituated state, where my T was just a nuisance and not causing me an "oh shit, I'm freaking out" moment every 2 minutes.
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