Another Option for Me — Suicide

Dear Paul-

I stopped posting to this group due to some personal messages that werent helpful to my journey. Your powerful story has compelled me to show up today...

The power to have your circumstances change is as absolute as is the natural way of life; that everything is changing and transforming and that nothing is ever the same, even from moment to moment. Just as we anticipate the natural changing of the seasons, from winter to spring, we begin to expect to see new leaves on the trees, flowers budding, new sights of fauna coming alive under the radiant sun of a new period. Likewise we are always changing, for we are part of the very same system and processes of nature. As time passes by, depending on what we focus on, we will find that we can decide to make positive choices in our life that lead us towards our values and purpose, we slowly begin to glow like the spring morning sun rising for yet another brand new day in this thing called LIFE. Your life is changing from moment to moment, and simple choices made today will forever change the direction of your life, whether good or bad.

If you were to kill yourself, which of your deepest values would you be meeting and honoring?

I have read ALL of your posts. From what I have read, it is clear you have a deep love for your family that is there with you, who are themselves going through their own private challenges knowing a member of their family unit is struggling so much. How do you feel, knowing that the depths of your suffering, which will change as sure as the seasons change, will NEVER leave the hearts and minds of those left behind Paul? I just don’t see that terrible level of selfishness in you Paul, and I think you would agree with me, that your not a selfish person at all, and that you have a big heart?

How do you make that big heart become your friend in ways you have never imagined? How do you allow it to be a beautiful multicolored Big Air Balloon that can take flight again and start rising higher and higher into a new chapter of your life that has meaning return back to it again?



Remember that while drugs can help stabilize the chemicals in the brain (stimulate serotonin and dopamine and even oxytocin), that these are necessary in the extremes and that the goal is for ones own mind to make the shifts. What simple shift needs to be made here to begin to pull you out of the despair?

What would life look like in 6 months Paul, if you had the same T, but you had your life back, and you were soaring again high into the skies of your new life? What would that really look like if you could imagine it?

One of the hardest things to realize about depression, and suicidal ideation, is that there are actually two exits available. The first is, as you have shared, the one that leaves the worst legacy of all that is left when someone commits suicide. Did you know that the effects of that suicide on the loved ones and people left behind is so traumatic that it lives on for generations? The greatest trauma is the bludgeoning of your families hearts, and of the hearts of those in your lineage that haven’t been born yet. Yet there truly is a second exit – a second choice available: the choice rise like that Big Air Balloon, to lift yourself up, no matter how slowly it needs to be, but to consciously choose to lift yourself up, to let the embers of the fire within you begin to breath again, and allowing the natural process of change oxygenate your soul again, so that you can begin to take off again Paul?

It might not seem like this at all, and I am sure it doesn’t, but depression and despair are serving you in some way; there are benefits to you for being in this place even if its unconscious, which I truly believe it is.

I lost my hearing in April, and I have tinnitus and hyperacusis. 3x a week I come home and I feel like the left side of my face is numb under the pain I have, and that I am dribbling out of the side of my mouth sometimes it is so bad. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since my event; not one. And right at the beginning I believed life would never be the same for me – that is true for anyone; just as life is different now from when I began writing this sentence, that is inevitable. And that is why, if I choose to throw myself into the winds of change I get see where life will take me. Before I made that mental jump, I was steadfast, leaning into and against the forces of nature, screaming inside at how cruel the world is, how hard life is, and hoping I could grab the very jugular of Mother Nature herself to let her know how angry and tormented I was by this malady….but I made a choice. I made a choice to grieve the past Me that is no longer, I made a choice to be grateful for everything else that is amazing up until this moment, as well as be grateful for all that I choose to be and to become in the future…and then I released myself to the process of change, and I stopped the fight and let the relenting winds blow me off my feet into the gusts of life and time. And today my life has never been better, and I feel the wind in my hair on a daily basis, just as I did before I suffered my mental and emotional trauma.

The real gateway out of depression and despair is to begin focusing on the future, even when it feels like that’s impossible. Our neurology is such that we are goal oriented machines, and when we get depressed its typically because we are lost in the present moment of focusing on ourselves and our woes. But if we can begin to extend our outlook to the future, and color it with bright vibrant colors, our minds will begin to focus on that, and we can be lifted out of our despair.

There is no cure for T today, but we cannot say NEVER. And we CANNOT say that our experience today will NEVER change for the better. So to give up on life based on a vision of a future that is laced with distortions and falsehoods – you deserve better than that Paul, just as your loved ones do.

What decision could you make today? There is a wonderful vista of a life out there to see and experience Paul, even with T. What can you do to tap into your strength and courage again, which I know and you know is there deep in your soul Paul. What could you do to tap into your resources so you elevate your sorrow and despair and become an even better version of yourself now? How can you take flight again, to join the rest of us up here??? Look at the image below - look at us all soaring even with our T.....brothers and sisters still soaring....



Which balloon is you Paul?

Nick.

 

Me also I have a standard hearing test normal but I made my own test and i found out my T is around 14 kHz. However in vitro and in vivo studies have shown the hearing cell damaged replaced by healthier one. So if your T is due to virus or loud noise there are good chance it will be cured. If it is caused my TMJ or facial nerve pressure, hear cell regeneration will not be affective

 

Are you even following the research threads? There has been a LOT of progress made and continues to be made from regrowing hair cells to repairing synapses, all of which can contribute to tinnitus. Many of the researchers have a personal, not monetary, interest in making this happen, although monetary is all right too!

 

Wow, you really are negative. What makes you so sure about that?

 

They told me it would be unreliable anyway.

I hope so mate, but as T is complex and many different parts of the brain attributes to tinnitus, only one can speculate.

 

Thank you Nick.

 

Reaching out towards my community friends....

The weekend has been another emotional rollercoaster for me. Again the depression is hardest first thing in the morning.

This the second time I've felt suicidal in my life, the first time I had just reached adulthood.

This time it feels like I've taken steps further. I've done research on painless, effective ways of ending my life and 'chosen' one. I've memorised the things I need to do beforehand. I've got several ideas where to do it.

When I research it, it creates a huge anxiety build up in my body, something that I usually am accustomed too.

The guilt treacles in, how could I do this to my wonderful family and girlfriend. Where will they go from here
Then the mentality of my own brutal selfishness kicks in, I will be free from the pain and suffering.

The strange thing is, over the past ten years I've always been hopeful for a tinnitus cure or effective treatment. I had high hopes in Auris medical AM-101. Although pre March I was not obsessed over it, however a increase in the sound stopped that.

After much digging, eventually my hopes have seemed to be killed. There's still as much snake oil on the market as their was ten years ago, they're even still selling laser devices, (one I own and I know doesn't work), even Dr Wilden is still going strong, people desperately trying these devices to see if they work.
There is still no treatment, apart from the usual things of ways to cope better. There is still not enough funding or research. There are not really any strong leads that will develop into a cure. New members of tinnitus appear to have the hope like I once did and it's vanished. That makes me so sad.

 

You are optimistic. Keep in mind, a pessimist is just an experienced optimist...

 

How are you feeling today @Paulmanlike ? I hope somewhat better.

 

@tiniturtle wrote the following, excellent, post about suicidal thoughts. As one who has been there, I agree with what he says and would recommend reading it through and considering the points he makes.
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...-about-suicide-or-the-ideation-of-such.23316/

I can sympathize, but please do not give up. I also have been waiting a long time for a cure, and I am not sure if I will see one in my lifetime, but I am not going to give up hope. Despite our best efforts, we do not know every piece of research that is being conducted, nor do you know what fortunate accident could lead to a cure. In the mean time, we can they to make a difference in the world, or even just this little corner here on the TT forum, and help comfort others suffering with tinnitus.

You will get through this dark patch. Hang in there and keep reaching out to us, we will continue to help.

 

"a LOT progress", a LOT of mouses; those poor mouses...at least they are tinnitus free.

I'm sorry fella but you still miss too much information. Tinnitus is not only about hair cells and synapses.
V.

 

Not too bad thank you.

 

That shouldn't be funny, but really, it is.

 

Ironically though there have been statements made from professionals that a cure or treatment is within touching distance and something could become available by 2020. Then others who state not in our lifetimes.
It's impossible to tell, I don't like the uncertainty, a natural obsessive compulsive trait.

 

I wouldn't ask for a cure. I'd be satisfied with a pill/procedure that would provide control of the symptoms in a bearable level, so we can keep on with our lives. Be creative, engage in social life, stay productive etc.

 

Take pills for the rest of your life I too would happy with that. Let's hope for RL-81

 

I said repairing hair cells and synapses could help tinnitus in SOME cases, not all, a view shared by several prominent researchers. If you want to continue to remain pessimistic regarding the future of tinnitus treatments, that's your prerogative. However, it's probably best not to do this on a SUICIDE THREAD!!??!!

 

It didn't bother me anyway but thanks Cheri

 

Why do I think that my life is not worth living anymore with tinnitus

 

I guess bc we are imprisoned in torture.
I´m pretty much at the same place you are @Paulmanlike.

But if you believe you are fucked, bc you don´t think your T is related to HL, you should probably check your upper end(8-16)kHz to confirm.
My guess is it tells a totally different story than your lower end spectrum.

Then you can start hoping and cheering for Frequency TX, like I do.(and others)
Probably what keeps me alive.

If you look at my avatar, you can see my T, red on white

 

I hope and pray for FT. Where is your hearing loss? The picture is a little unclear on my phone.

 

You see how the red graph takes a steep dive, right?
Thats too much for the brain to handle, as it seeks balance, thus T. To make up for lost input.
Thats the theory, anyway.

Funnily I do not have T in my left ear, even though the HL is slightly more severe.
But no real "gaps" to fill so my brain let it slide.

An high frequency audiogram can tell a lot about your T.
Undergo one.

 

Damn I've just paid almost £200 for an assessment at the tinnitus clinic and they didn't even offer me one. They just told me they're unreliable and my hearing is normal.

How old is everyone? How much noise exposure did you get to acquire a HL

 

@Paulmanlike That's good, I hope! I don't know what kind of pain you are in and can't imagine living with T for as long as you have. And it does scare me thinking it could get worst because these last 3 months haven't been the greatest. So I try not to think about that. But I do know if one of my sons who are 18 and 23 committed suicide I would....OMG be devastated!! Nothing would be worse than that! That's when I wouldn't want to live!! My T is mild now so I'm not going to anymore doctors for now. Trying to treat it myself. But if one of my son's said mom I have T and I want to die I would spent every penny I had and take him anywhere in the world to find something to give him some relief!! Paulmanlike does your family know the extent of what's going on with you? Do they know how much pain you are in? Talk with them give them a chance!! And I know you've tried so many treatments but maybe there is one out there you haven't tried!!! Please give it more time!! You said you were suicidal once before adulthood. Was this before you had T? Like I said before, try another antidepressant. Does your psychiatrist know your thoughts? Here is a very good article on which kind cause nightmares and which ones don't. www.verywell.com/can-antidepressants-cause-strange-or-vivid-dreams-1067347.

 

Why are you on this forum talking suicide when you should be under close supervision by professionals...

 

Researching suicide, analyzing suicide, imagining suicide and romanticizing suicide feeds the T-Rex until it grows so big and overpowering that somethings gotta break. It's ironic...nay tragic, that when you get to the point of ending it and look death straight in the eye and sincerely choose life, the T-Rex's power begins to diminish.

* * *

Now it's wild tangent story time, pull up a chair.

Let's pretend you're a noble knight who for whatever reason has decided NOT to let the scream of the Tin dragon consume you. First, you need to know that the Tin dragon's scream is actually a spell...similar to a Siren's song. Let's call it the 'Self' spell.

"I've heard the false promises of magical potions before," said the noble knight, crossing his arms in defiance, "they amount to nothing! Empty promises, nothing more!"

"There are no magic potions, no wands of laser healing, no special herbs. You must break the spell on your own, for no one and no thing can do it for you."

"How do I break this spell!" said the noble knight, clutching his ears.

"A good question Sir Knight and there are many answers. I have but one. Other hero's and heroine's such as yourself have discovered different ways to tame the Tin Dragon. I am certain they would be willing to share their tales of victory. But first you'll need to uncover your ears."

The noble knight dropped his hands downs for a moment and said, "This better be good, otherwise I'm letting that fucker eat me!"

"Please no Sir Knight, for that is the intent of the spell! To be consumed by the Tin Dragon's scream until thou dost sacrifice oneself to it."

"I can't take it anymore!"

"There are many of champions throughout history and in this very forum who have overcome impossible hardship, handicap and obstacles. They can be a tremendous source of inspiration. By looking outside of ourselves the spell can be broken just long enough to see..."

"Out with it Sage," said the Noble Knight, "to see what exactly!"

"...to see that the Tin Dragon just wants to go home with you. For in truth, the Tin Dragon only consumes those who choose to fight it instead of giving it the unconditional love and acceptance it's demanding. Once it has that, the "Self" spell is permanently broken and the Tin Dragon's scream has no lasting power over you anymore. You then become King of both the inner and outer realms."

Hrmm, be eaten or be kinged, what shall I do?

 

Bravo...excellent post...

 

@Flamingo1 I am sorry that you may feel offended. I still support my thesis. Being realistic is different then pessimistic. The reason i'm posting this in a suicide thread is because i'm not fond of reading false hopes and inaccuracies. I come across many of them throughout this forum. I truly understand @Paulmanlike, since i'm in the very same position. I can relate to many of his feelings. I as well would wish for a cure like everybody else. But the reality right now is different. No cure in the near future. Period. So giving support right now based on hopes for a cure , is just more frustrating.

@Paulmanlike
When i read @glynis 's support words above i was really touched. Indeed there are people who manage this. People who adapt.

I am not fond of this "suicide taboo", since i consider suicide as well. However in your case I agree with @Lex on the above. It's too early in this tough journey, but we both still need time. We cannot do anything drastic yet. We as well may adapt. I often think of a friend of mine who lives with severe tinnitus and who despite of his struggle, he remains productive and he engages in many social activities. He has tinnitus 20 years already. He was never member of this forum. Actually any kind of forum. How many people like him might be out there, i often wonder. People that found their own way to cope and manage this. So have strength and seek for any kind of help.
All the best.
V.

 

I often feel in a similar way. However i have found members that also gave bright insight, albeit are limited in number. There's too much crap for every interesting thread. In addition there's too much useless debating on scientific subjects based just only on mere guessing. It's exhausting.
V.

 

Wow. You really proud yourself in thinking you a realist, don´t you?
But you are not. You are a pessimist. But there is nothing wrong with that, it´s just a different kind of tactics to cope. Then you can only be pleasantly suprised, right?

The fact of the matter, in regards to "a cure" is that we just do not know.
What we do know, is that nobody knows, and thus to boldly state: "No cure in the near future. Period" is flat out pessimistic, at best.

Within 18 month we will probably know if FTX approach will work for us(many of us) or not. And I´m sure you´ll agree that is in the near future?

Now, for the time being, one can only inform on self as much as one can about their approach, and choose to believe for it to work, or not.
And in there lies the hope. There is no such thing as false hope. Hope is hope, until it´s shattered or fulfilled.
Shattered hope is not a good feeling, but having none is far worse in my opinion. (Or frustrating, to use your words)

I´m not talking about hope in religious context here. That I know nothing about. I´m talking about hope, based on intelligence(information).