Feel Isolated / Alone. How Is Everyone Else's Social Life These Days?

Hi, me again lol. Just having a really bad time of it at the moment, mostly due to the effect tinnitus is having on my social life.

I'm mid twenties and my friends all love going to the cinema, partying, and generally a lot of other things that are particularly noisy. I'm too scared to join in and I feel like I'm slowly isolating myself, or that tinnitus is slowly isolating me. Some friends don't bother asking me to go to things with them anymore, or they just say, "You can't come because of your ears, right?"

I miss going to the cinema. I miss going out and dancing to k-pop in clubs. I miss going out to karaoke. I had to change gyms from the one my friends go to because the music was so damn noisy (part of the reason I think I got this awful affliction). Now I go to this tiny gym in a retirement village lol. Some of my friends are in bands/ sing and I can't go and see them anymore. My favourite kpop group are coming to the UK and I can't see them because of my ears.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much. My friends are slightly understanding but outside of work we don't have a lot of free time and they mostly want to let their hair down and dance the night away. And I want that too! I want my life back! I want to be me again.

 

For me it's not the Tinnitus that makes me isolate. It's the depression. This is a pretty common piece of depression.

 

I will say this much, your ears are at the starting point and early stages of tinnitus. Do your best to protect them, as @Bill Bauer says "your ears are compromised" and any further damage can bother you and you ears, way more than someone that does not have tinnitus.

You need to be in places that are not damaging, to your ears. A bar or pub or loud places, are the one's id avoid. Yes, you are young and want to live your life. Do understand that any further damage on your ears...are not reversible. Damages on the ears will take a toll on them. It may be gradual but it can add up and your tinnitus can become the hell that mine are like.

As someone, that has been at this for 30 years I can tell you, that your ears can get much worst and you do not want to have them get worst. If your friends like to be in loud places, why not suggest that you folks be in quiet places. You have a special condition and you need to make sure you and your ears are safe. If your friends don't like it, I suggest you find new friends. You will not get new ears, but you can always get new friends

Tinnitus is no joke and taking it lightly can have consequences, and trust me you do not want loud/intrusive, HELL level tinnitus.

A friend of mine wanted to take me out yesterday, he's like "let's go grab a beer". I said "I cannot be in loud places and do not want to further damage my ears". ALWAYS be upfront with people. Be who you are , tell them that your ears are bad, let them know. I ended up going to an open garden bar and it was actually very quiet.

PS- You will be you again, but please don't take what I say..too lightly

 

I have tinnitus, no hyperacusis. I still go to movies. Movies aren't loud for me. I wear ear plugs in movies. I used to love partying too. I am in late twenties and slowly all my friends are moving away from partying and having more of board game nights with drinking and a very reasonable music. I was one of the active planner for parties dancing etc... now I am slowly asking everyone for dinners outside, coffees, hikes, paint and wine sessions, board game nights etc. I still go to movies though with ear plugs and it feels safe for me. I avoid clubs and other noisy places like weddings.

 

True friends would always understand your situation and would figure out a way you both can hang out together. Sometimes we just have to reevaluate our choices of friendship. It happened to me maybe won't for all but friends who can understand you can truly find a way to hangout with you

 

I miss going out dancing too. My whole social life was centered on concerts, but now I'm not willing to go to a concert and risk more damage. So I don't really have a social life. Maybe someday I'll find a quiet activity I like and find new friends, but right now, I'm just living a life without socializing.

However, you are younger than me and I think it's even more important for you to find new activities to do. Once you have things you enjoy that aren't noisy, you can start making friends who like those things. And maybe the friends you already have will take an interest in your new activities too.

I know this is easier said than done. And I feel a bit hypocritical giving this advice when I don't follow it myself. But again, you are young, so it is really important that you add new social activities to your life.

 

I was going to write something similar...

Most likely your friends are not fully aware of what you’re going through. They cannot grasp your loneliness and grief. Or the risky dilemma you have when it comes to exposing yourself to noise. They expect you to show up again in the club as soon as your ears are ok again. In one or maybe two weeks... you should talk to them.

Friends are important. Being around friends and family is the only thing that kept me going those first days. Just having a friend come over to watch an old movie together helped a lot. I was grateful, because I had not seen that friend in a while. I had been too busy with side projects... but one phone call and he was there. He made me realize that life goes on. I was not alone. Real friends are there for you, even if that means turning the volume down. I could sleep that night for the first time in three nights.

Have a chat with two or three of your best friends. Explain how you feel and how much you miss them. And that it may take a while to get to grips with this. Ask them if they are ok with spending some time with you outside of noisy environments: go for a walk, a quiet coffee house...

hey, spring is here... why not make a picnic basket and go to a local park?

Being in nature (= the real world) also helps a lot of people. And somehow, nature sounds (wind, leaves, birds) mask my tinnitus pretty good.

Instead of focusing on what you can’t do anymore... why not make a game out of it: “a different summer.” Ask your friends to be creative and go look for totally different experiences to do this summer: visit places in the neighborhood, take a roadtrip, do some sports (outside running, swimming, climbing)

Make a list of everything you and your friends dream of doing that has nothing to do with loud noises. Talk about those things when you see them... and work toward them.

Fun in loud clubs is good... for a while.
Deep meaningful friendship and shared experiences are way better and last for life.

Find those friends and share new experiences... They’ll help you get through this!

Good luck! And whenever you need it, post a message here. We’re all in this together!

 

Cinemas are fine for me, even without plugs. But I always keep them with me just in case. It's all about moderatration.
Also, I go to concerts and I'm going to go to a jazz concert soon.
If you w decide to go to a gig: get custom moulded earplugs, take magnesium, stand in the back. That was the advice I got from my doctor. Imo a gig once in a while wont harm you. But if you dont know what to do, consult an audiologist that researches this topic (not a regular ent, for fucks sake...). Enjoy yourself. Just because you will have to take precautions wont mean that your life is done.
Go to a doctor knowledgeable about this topic if you feel uncomfortable.

 

I still go to movies, bars, sport events, you name it. I even still go to concerts and so do my friends with tinnitus (as being a musician, it’s almost a shitty right of passage for those that play in loud bands). The only thing I can’t do so far is play in loud bands because it’s unbearable to play with earplugs. What you should do is go to a hearing centre and invest in some moulded ear plugs. You can even get them clear to make them hard to notice. Wear them anytime you’re worried about noise exposure even if just to take away the anxiety! Tinnitus is hard but life can still be rad. Exist louder than your tinnitus yo! Just do it with a little more ear protection than before haha.

 

I get you @momo, I fed into the loss, made it worse, but when I got out of the mental ditch of started to enjoy life again. I'm now able to go back to concerts and don't live in fear. Find your PLAN, make habits that make you feel better, even if it's a tiny bit and take baby steps and you're life will return.

DO not live in FEAR. - ryan

 

I also have tinnitus from a perforated eardrum and I wish I didn’t, but like everybody here, I don’t know if I will have this concert in my head/ear for the rest of my life but I won’t let the tinnitus change my life and decide for me. If you already have this horrible situation don’t allow it to control your life style as well. Use protection when you need to but enjoy your life. If it lasts forever then at least it did not stop you from living your life the way you chose.

 

Is there anything that would impede the healing of your ear drum? If that's the root cause for your tinnitus, it seems that healing that could give you a chance at silence again.

 

My eardrum healed few months ago but tinnitus is still here. My ears both feel weird I have tinnitus in the one that was perforated and the “good” one feels like something is loose in it, very hard to explain but when I hear a noise that makes vibration like when you hit a pan with a spoon makes a vibration in my “good” ear. My ENT said everything is fine that hopefully it will go away. I just ignore it and keep living my normal life. I know that it is not easy but I won’t let the tinnitus control my life.

 

I have had tinnitus, hyperacusis and hearing loss since at least age 33, probably earlier... I am now 56, still single and it sucks...

I live in Bangkok, Thailand and cannot do most of the nightlife due to not wanting my ears to get more damaged... As there are endless loud sounds here that are probably aggravating my tinnitus and adding to my hearing loss; the last thing I want to do is intentionally go somewhere loud.

 

Electronic earmuffs--never heard of that? Where? Who? When? Or you can wear your best ear plugs and ear muffs--may not be able to hear well but more protection from the noise.

 

How would you describe Hell level tinnitus @fishbone?

 

Hey Momo,

You can still go out to noisy locations. Just don't be afraid to bring ear plugs or leave a little early. I think that Tinnitus varies, and it will always vary. I went out the other day and did some volunteer work and my T spiked to a 5-6/10 afterwards. Today it's a 2-3/10. The volunteer work was absolutely still worth doing. I think it's important to challenge yourself every so often. It's good to have a comfort zone, but it's also good to step outside of it.

I think much like any other thing; whether it drinking or partying. Just be safe; everything in moderation. I don't think that constantly worrying and keeping yourself in a state of high anxiety is helpful. You should be aware, but you shouldn't let T live your life for you. You don't have to go out every week; but every 2-3 weeks? Figure out something that works for you and focus on the people and the memories, not the T.

I wouldn't say that you "can't," do things. You just need to take some extra precautions. If you're having a bad day or are particularly stressed then don't stay as long or bring ear plugs. I don't think that we should treat ourselves as if we're disabled -- it's important to get out and have fun, even if there are consequences that we're not so fond of occasionally. I look at my T as a mild social hangover, it isn't anything I can't learn to live around.

I'm an introvert and I don't usually go out to huge dance clubs, karaoke or any of that. I've found that general living and environment masks my T pretty well. It's mostly moments here, alone, in my room where T is most noticeable. I'm still listening to music; I'm a little more careful about headphones/headset and have been using it as an opportunity to make use of my tinny speakers

 

I have never been much of a social butterfly anyway so this doesn't affect my life that much from the social aspect.

Of course, if I've had this 10 years ago...

 

What's a "social life"?

 

Something norms have.

Something we deserve to have back.