How Do You Find Forgiveness When Your Tinnitus Was Caused by Another Person/Source?

Congrats on the gals again. Would you mind my asking how old you were when you lost your parents? I worry about mine and losing them more since I got this. It does sound like you have dealt with it with Grace

 

@Bam Jeeze, I truly feel your suffering and pain my friend and completely empathise with you. Like you said, this is so utterly surreal, you couldn’t write the extent of the endless suffering and pain this condition brings. I’m so sorry that it has turned your life upside down as it sounded like you were happy and successful before this horror ripped your world apart.
At least if we hit rock bottom, there’s a way of pushing back up but it feels like an endless descent into murky waters.
I truly hope some miracle arrives, I really do. Surely there has to be some point to all this? You sound like a good guy and don’t deserve any of this!! So unjust!

 

@Vicki14 you may remember my tale of a long odyssey of revenge after being harmed by surgery and knowing the person had harmed many others. There is good and bad in staying angry. If no one got angry with life’s bastards nothing will ever change. but in the long term anger and a desire for revenge probably does most people little good.

Robert Louis Stevenson’s Alan Breck Stewart and David from Kidnapped said it best @Bill Bauer and @Vicki14


"Man Alan," said I, "ye are neither very wise nor very Christian to blow off so many words of anger. They will do the man ye call the Fox no harm, and yourself no good. Tell me your tale plainly out. What did he next?"

"And that's a good observe, David," said Alan. "Troth and indeed, they will do him no harm; the more's the pity! And barring that about Christianity (of which my opinion is quite otherwise, or I would be nae Christian), I am much of your mind."

"Opinion here or opinion there," said I, "it's a kent thing that Christianity forbids revenge."

"Ay" said he, "it's well seen it was a Campbell taught ye! It would be a convenient world for them and their sort, if there was no such a thing as a lad and a gun behind a heather bush!" (12.43-46)

 

@Vicki14
I caused my own tinnitus by my stupidity and not only forgave myself for doing so, I never even think about it other than what not to do again.

 

Mine was because a few friends quite literally dragged me out of my house, shoved me in a car and told me I was going to a concert whether I liked it or not. I was upset at them at the time but I've learned to forgive, I had the option of screaming for help... Walking out of the concert, made death threats, caused a scene... I did none of those things. The fault was mine to shoulder. I've learned to forgive myself and my life is much better and happier now than before.

 

This is something I constantly think about, and its been nothing but a struggle especially since she is one of my best friends. My life was pretty much perfect until she decided to get shitfaced drunk and basically attacked my ear. She for some reason decided it would be a good idea to come up to my ear and took a deep breathe and kissed my ear multiple times. The pressure caused extreme pain, I felt a pop and I instantly lost my hearing and have had tinnitus ever since. It happened so fast there was nothing I could do.

I've tried and I times I think I have, but I can't help but feel some sort of resentment towards her especially when I see her enjoying life without a worry in the world. I would never wish any harm towards her, but sometimes I just hate her for destroying all of my peace and ultimately my happiness. Its been almost a year now and this is the saddest I've ever been in my life. I can't imagine living like this forever. I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity and now every minute of my life is miserable hell. I try my best to stay positive, but its not easy and nobody understands. I envy every single person who doesn't have tinnitus. I really miss the silence of the morning, but most of all I just miss my life. I think about all the things I used to think were problems and how I'd endure them a 1,000 times over just to make this stop.

 

Don't get mad get even.

 

You don’t need to forgive anyone.

 

You were kidnapped?

 

Sorry to hear that. Why were you cautious of going to the concert, did you already have some ear problems?

 

@coffee_girl / how would you describe your Tinnitus? Do you have hypercausis too? That’s crazy how you’ve ended up with Tinnitus through just attending a concert. Was it excessively loud? X

 

@Staceyyy - wow! I’m so sorry to read your story and I admittedly would feel exactly the same. It’s understandable. I too, fond mornings extremely difficult to cope with, starting another day with this overwhelming noise and anxiety. I have such a great life too with so much to be very grateful for but just can’t truly enjoy it because of this.

I’m currently in a bit of a dilemma too as to whether to give up a job I enjoy. I work in a school and a few weeks ago I was caught out by a loud bell and my tinnitus has definitely got much louder and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bit of hearing loss too as a result. The thought of leaving really upsets me - it’s just EVERYTHING this takes away from you and the relentless assault on our ears and reduced quality of life which is brutal. Truly horror show stuff.

I just hope there is a way out of this misery and suffering for us all in the very near future! Xxx

 

P.s. I don’t believe this to be the case.... I think this condition would take the strength from Goliath Bam. There’s nothing mythical about this monster, sadly . How do you sleep? Do you wake up through the night with that horrible panicky anxiety?

 

The worst thing is she will never truly understand what she’s done to you. I know she meant zero harm but to me giving someone tinnitus is the psychological equivalent of throwing acid in their face. It corrodes and eats away at every aspect of our life and mental wellbeing. Of course it pains you to see her getting on happily with her life. You would have to be truly saintly not to feel seriously aggrieved......I’m so so sorry.

 

I usually have the 3am half hour panic but then force myself to focus on my ‘tropical nights’ app and usually get off again until 5 and then repeat and get up around 8 or 9. I get enough hours but broken. My main issue now is my flagging spirits and what to do next......Unfortunately I’m at that point where im barely clinging to an existence. I was always so healthy and motivated and now I’m just sinking in to a pit of spending my time alone, frustrated, angry that this has happened to me and wracked with regret, drinking every night and having zero clue how to even help myself. Pathetic really. I’m ashamed of myself and don’t even want to see old friends because of embarrassment of what’s happened.

I really do wonder how many other people are out there like me being completely brushed under the carpet by the NHS and BTA while tinnitus washes us away in to a lonely oblivion?

 

Yes because holding onto bitterness was not productive and wasn't going to change the outcome for me.

 

@Bam NONE OF THIS was your fault, your choice and chosen path in life! You were abruptly thrown onto it by some cruel twist of fate, like most of us! I just think it’s such a heartbreaking existence and that waking through the night and facing this each morning again is just the worst part in all this.

It’s rraly heartbreaking that life feels like one big pit of quick sand and not being given anything positive to cling to on the slow descent. I completely get it. It’s terrifying, especially how vulnerable we have become and how screwed our ears are now. Do you have hypercausis too? . I think what is difficult is that folk think your just being depressive and they just don’t truly understand the depth of your suffering, even those closest to you. This condition is not only cruel, it’s evil. It’s like an evil acid that slowly corrodes away at your life and the lack of cure and promise of help is soul destroying.

I feel, every time I make a small amount of progress I’m ALWAYS set back. I’m now facing the decision of whether to remain in my job, which I love. I work in a school and got caught out by a loud bell a few weeks ago, my Tinnitus has shot right up and I definitely think I’ve got some hearing loss as a result. I’m wrestling with giving in to Tinnitus which I know if I give my job up I’ll be completely miserable as that will be another thing it has taken from me but the risk of making it worse just isn’t worth it. It’s vile, it doesn’t afford us ANY snippets of peace, calm or reprieve and I understand that we are sadly in the category who suffer quite badly with this and not a true representation of all sufferers.

Like you Bam, I’ve no idea what kinda fate lies ahead, it scares the shit out of me if I’m honest. I feel that Tinnitus is like some mistress biding it’s time, waiting to step into my shoes and doing itvin such a manipulative, vindictive way, making us look like the criminal in all this. It’s too crazy for those who don’t have this to understand the depth of suffering you can endure and how it keeps ‘pushing your buttons’.

I truly feel your pain Bam, I really do and just wish that our ship would come in and save us from this deserted hell.

P.s. what kinda wee dog do you have? . My Beardie Collies keep me going... x

 

My dear sweet boy......I go on suffering just to see his little face each morning.

 

I love the count of Monte Cristo and often considered the frustration and despair of being falsely imprisoned. And now I’m trapped in a nightmare a thousand times worse.

 

Moderate I would say. However I was at Costco the other day and the trolleys on the concrete ramp sounded like tanks rolling in to battle. Also plates and cutlery clashing sound awful and I can’t tolerate pubs and stuff now with people talking in large groups. I find it nowhere near as agonising as the tinnitus though. And would happily have worse hyperacusis to be rid of the screaming.

 

Your pooch is absolutely adorable! Is he a little terrier? @Bam. Here’s my pair....

 

Yeah he’s a Plummer terrier. A very smart highly efficient northern rat killing machine....and a big southern softy like me ended up with him.

 

Lol... He’s very cute and I’m sure his rat killing skills come in handy!

 

Yours are very cute too. xx

 

most of my base line increases were caused by other people including my boss. its really horrendous what happened but since tinnitus, I've learned more to let shit go. I have to.

 

@Bam, your dog is beautiful. What a sweet face.
I’m so glad you have him and he has you.

 

Thank you Tracy. Yeah he’s a special one.... How are you feeling these days?

 

For me, mine was worsened by someone at the time who I was dating and who took me target shooting. I lost a year of my life after having to seek treatment. But eventually I learned to forgive myself, accept my new reality with greater T and mild H, and move on with my life.

It's funny, the T specialist who I see in Vancouver asked me awhile ago if there is anything "positive" that I can identify with my T. Seems like a crazy question I know, but I told her that I can say that it's made me a much more resilient person. Also, I now focus on the bigger picture, and am very thankful and grateful for the friends and family that I have in my life . Everyday is a gift, and I always try and remember that.

 

Till today I still think my tinnitus was caused by stress. Knowing the cause and knowing what caused it, should I be pissed of with the people that caused it? Or should I have done something about it? I think it's unfair when neither me and them didn't know something horrible like this could be possible. If we did, i'm pretty sure bothe sides would have done something about it. It's the same as smoking cigarettes. Keep on smoking and nothing is gonna happen...

 

@Bam - I’ve never met him, but I love him already.
He’s looking after my buddy.
Critters are the very best therapists in the world.