How Does One Cope w/out Support from Their Spouse or Loved Ones? Struggling Badly

Discussion in 'Support' started by KrissyXris, Jan 24, 2017.

    1. KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      My husband has no clue the nightmare I'm struggling with ...he is use to a bubbly wife that is smiling and laughing and enjoying life ...he hardly even talks to me now and tries his best to stay away ...he tells me there is no way it can be so bad and that I need to just get on with my life ...

      I've only had the ringing for 11 days now and I say "only" because I know some have been struggling with this much much longer ..but mine came on out of the blue in both ears non stop and i'm struggling to hold myself together and without the support from my husband I'm not sure how i'm going to do this ..... All my loved ones r in another state and they r all so busy with their own lives I dont dare try to put this on them to help me deal with .....

      I always thought I was a strong women , mentally and physically until this happened to me ...things I cared about and was looking forward to 11 days ago don't even matter to me now ...I just want peace again ....
       
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    2. Bobby B
      Fine

      Bobby B Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Large caliber rifles&machine guns, +30 years of loud clubs
      Women expect guys to understand them but guys work different - they won't get it until you repeat it over and over and eventually he will start to notice/grasp that this is a big issue which profoundly affects you.

      Especially T - no one understands this until they experience it themselves

      But again, if T came out the blue without noise exposure chances are that it will disappear as well like it came so who knows
       
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    3. Nonna
      Moonlighting

      Nonna Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      1/17/16
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      guess
      I would enjoy leaving ur husband. Has he ever been ill, and had u baby him?
       
    4. Bobby B
      Fine

      Bobby B Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Large caliber rifles&machine guns, +30 years of loud clubs
      That is too harsh
      Just make sure you tell him - each time your T is loud or bothering you tell him right away , after a few weeks he will get it
       
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    5. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @Bobby B ,Thank u for your feedback ...I'm willing to try anything !
       
    6. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      You are still a strong woman. This is not a life ending...you shall be ok and you can and will cope with this. It's just a new bump in the road and you'll be ok...believe me :)

      It's hard for people to understand this, when they don't go through it. You need to sit him down and tell him what is going on and if he listens..great...if not, then maybe consider other options...

      I have family, that are ignorant and they know that i have full blown ringing in both ears, yet..they still let their children scream around me.

      I have boycot this family for over 2 weeks now...it's hard to do but if people do not respect, what you are going through, then you need to take them out the picture...
       
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    7. Lex
      Blah

      Lex Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad decisions
      I don't think your husband understands how difficult it is to have T. Very few people can, unless they're sufferers themselves.

      I suggest you find a recording of what your T sounds like and play it at a volume that matches yours. Then make your husband listen straight for one hour using in-ear earphones. Heck, one hour? Make it one day, all 24 hours of it. See how he reacts after that.

      Also, men like to solve problems. So it will frustrate him that this is one problem he can't solve for you.

      Anyway, you've got T for only 11 days so far. You might habituate, it might disappear.
       
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    8. JasonP
      No Mood

      JasonP Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2006
      I totally agree with Lex. She's spot on. You may even tell him to see if he can make it all day like that. Honestly though, I had to get hearing aids with maskers to help me cope. I had a slight loss and they have helped a lot.

      The thing though that can get me in trouble is having bipolar II. I think I am getting to the point now where I am getting more and more better with medication. Two years ago, I tried so hard to get out of depression and cure T. Last year I got some medicine that finally helped and tried to "solve" my T. I lowered it a bit but could not get rid of it. Sporadically it bothered me when it got loud. However, the more and more experience I get "getting over T", the more I can say screw it and my brain tunes it out. Today I had it but I hardly noticed it because I am thinking on so many things. And when I do think about it, there is no depression and no anxiety about it. :) Therefore, I can go right back to doing what I was doing. It helps to get moving and stay out of bed. I will admit, I couldn't do it without medication but I had depression and anxiety issues for years before T. Will it bother me again? Probably, but hopefully just a short amount of time and I will go right on. The "episodes" should get shorter and farther apart. :) Hopefully, your T will go away though. Don't worry if it stays though. There are plenty of other ways to get help.
       
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    9. GregCA
      Jaded

      GregCA Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      As others have mentioned, it's really hard to understand it unless you actually "live it". Have him watch this. Tell him there's no way to escape, no way to reduce its strength.

      Now be aware that others want to help and when they realize they can't, they also get upset and very frustrated. I've watched my family go through this, and try and try because they think "there's always a solution to every problem" (I can already picture the motivational poster). The thing is, for most of our lives, this may be true (most life problems do have reasonable solutions), but every once in a while, we get hit by a problem that doesn't have a solution, and so it's really hard to break the denial about it.
      Like many, I've been told to "try to be happy" and "try harder", as well as the usual "don't think about it" and "it will become a background noise like the trains on the tracks near a house", or "just like the ring you're wearing, it's there but you don't notice it anymore".
       
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    10. stophiss

      stophiss Member

      Location:
      Florida
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      too full a life
      That's dumb ^^^

      OP...nobody understands...not significant others, not family, not society and even a few or more than a few doctors don't quite get it. And with respect and empathy, you don't understand either...none of us did who contracted this out of the blue.

      But here is the good news. You are VERY early into this. Mark my words, one year from now you will be a different woman. The vast majority habituate to the sound and the brain ignores it with time. This time period varies for people. As some point on the subconscious level the brain no longer interpretes the new strange noise in your head as danger and therefore your limbic system no longer reacts and the sound is simply background noise like the wind for a sailor at sea he/she no longer hears.

      So your hubby will get his bubbly wife back. You are away right now but you will return and likely be the same girl only you will have a noise you will recognize on occasion that you will accept as part of who you are. This is my personal experience btw.

      Hope that helps.
       
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    11. Sam Bridge

      Sam Bridge Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music/gigs probably
      @GregCA that t noise in the video is insane, how could anyone put up with that??
       
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    12. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      I would make time for both of you to come on here and read and post so we can support you both.

      My husband did not understand how bad my tinnitus was and how I felt until I could not cope at all and had to get outside agencies to support me through a very traumatic time needing weeks of work.
      We are here around the clock for you and your husband so your never alone .lots of love glynis
       
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    13. Pleasure_Paulie

      Pleasure_Paulie Member

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise or maybe... unicorns!
      My wife left me shortly before my Tinnitus started, so try to make it work the best you can as I always wish I had somebody to help me through the tough times :)
       
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    14. GregCA
      Jaded

      GregCA Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Otosclerosis
      Well it's not really a choice is it? My T is quite similar actually.
       
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    15. Alue
      No Mood

      Alue Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I come here to complain. People (most people here) understand.
       
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    16. Scared111

      Scared111 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Dont think he ll ever understand.. even if he tries. In the end just like any illness you gotta find the strength in you. I know it's hard but what choice do we have...
       
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    17. Daveyrvancleef

      Daveyrvancleef Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2000
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      I don't know
      I don't agree with your statement: "Guys work different, they won't get it until you repeat it over and over". My whole family does not know or care about my struggle. My mother and sister both forget sometimes I got tinnitus whenever I bring this subject on topic. The only one that understands me is my father. The thing is people will never truly understand how troublesome tinnitus is until they get it.
       
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    18. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not sure
      Sorry that you have to go through this tough initial period without the support of your husband. Perhaps he will understand it by actually watching and hearing people's tinnitus and TT does have one such video on youtube so you and your husband can watch these together. After that, you can invite him to read some of the posts here and so he can see that the suffering can be intense and you are not the only one with such difficulty. You can turn up the volume of the video to reflect real life volume intensity and ask your husband to stay there to listen to it for an hour and see if he can take it, lol.

      Video: This Is My Tinnitus
      Tinnitus Talk: Sounds of Tinnitus


      Tinnitus film by Zoe Cartwright who has unmaskable T as she is completely deaf:
      Tinnitus Short Film - 24.7.52.10.
       
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    19. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @stophiss your feedback helped me so much ...I actually had a sense of peace come over me when I read your comment ..I thank u so much for taking the time to reply ...I've realized in these 12 short days w/ T that seem like months , that it is the little things that actually help me keep going and give me hope :) thanks again !
       
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    20. DebInAustralia
      No Mood

      DebInAustralia Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      Geelong, Victoria
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013
      I ditto many of the sentiments expresseed above.

      I have a partner who has no concept of empathy. So, I have given up trying to educate him about the impact having t has had on my quality of life.

      Support and understanding is so important. Noone likes to be alone when suffering. You will want to surround yourself with people (like TT community) who totally get what you are feeling and experiencing. We are all here for you. You are not alone.
       
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    21. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @Daveyrvancleef ...I wasn't sure I really agreed either with his comment but I was having a difficult time last night to fully get my thoughts together ...The thing that stood out to me the most was saying " women "expect" guys to understand them " and that I just need to keep repeating it ....Well no where in my post did I say I "expect" this or I expect that ...I was basically hoping to get feed back on how to cope with T when you have no support ...I'm a wife that really never had to lean on my husband or anyone for much of anything ...I've been very lucky and that is what my husband has become use to and honestly that is the main thing he loves about me ...now that he see's me in this state he is clueless on what to do ..its easier for him to pretend this isn't happening I guess, so he doesnt mentioned it or ask how im feeling and basically leaves me to tent to myself ..like i said I've never been through anything like this before in my life and I never once imagined this is how he would be if I ever became ill or really needed him, its hurtful seeing him react this way but i realize now if I'm going to bet this beast I need to learn to cope with it and keep moving on with my life ....I feel blessed that i even came across this site ...learning and talking to all of u that have already went through it and some that r still coping are going to be a huge help and give me the hope i need !
       
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    22. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @DebInAustralia Thank u so much ...your words touched my heart ! We might be thousands of miles apart but were not alone ! xoxo
       
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    23. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @Scared111 Thank u ...and you're so right ...I'm slowing realizing this ...i know I have the strength to get through this ..I just have to keep reaching down deep until I find it ;) xoxo
       
    24. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @glynis Thank u so much !!!!
       
    25. Zorro!
      Wtf

      Zorro! Member

      408d465623a0ee1fbfc47bb8ed556d8e.jpg
       
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    26. Lex
      Blah

      Lex Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad decisions
      I agree, this is a personal battle you must fight. But at the same time, marriage is being there for each other in sickness and in health.

      Because he said it so much better than I can, I'm going to quote @JohnnyMx who left this insightful post in another thread:

       
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    27. stophiss

      stophiss Member

      Location:
      Florida
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      too full a life
      I am glad Krissy. Men live for vivacious bubbly women as by contrast the world has too many men and woman who aren't positive. You will get your life back. I have. I am a glass half full kind of guy aka more on the bubbly side even tho a reference uncommon to men because we are supposed to be strong.;) Btw, the strongest person on this forum is a woman by the name of glynis. I went into a deep funk because of this and now have emerged. You will too.

      I mentioned the sailor at sea who can't turn off the sound of the ocean and the wind passing his/her ears. Years ago I bought a house and thought I did everything right. I scrutinized all what I though were important metrics involving the purchase. Location, location, location. But one. About a mile away was a train track. It wasn't on my radar until that first night. The train whistle. At first it drove me crazy. How could I be so foolish to overlook this I told myself...like the person who went to a concert and came away with T...another needless self criticism. After a while...get this....I not only tuned it out but when I heard the whistle in the distance, I liked it. Some people move near churches with chimes who hate the sound and then learn to either tune it out or love the sound as well.

      The brain with both its strengths and weaknesses has the capacity to adapt. Yours will too. Honestly, this can take months. Btw, I am at month 10 now with my tinnitus. I also have a level of sound sensitivity called hyperacusis as well which also doesn't bother me except when people talk real loud to my face...you know, members of the loud family ;) a fire truck goes by with screaming siren etc. H for many is more debilitating than T. I would say, mine is about equivalent but when I am out and above and engaged in my life, all fades away which is the case for many after they adjust to their T and/or H.

      A last detail. Your T will generally reduce with acceptance as your anxiety fades. None of us are perfect and this maybe a wake up call for you as it is for many...a reminder we may no longer have perfect health. In fact, on a deeper level I believe this scares the hell out of each of us at first because a. we have no control over it and b. it is a reminder we are mortal and we don't have control over our health and will not live forever. I actually had something happen to me prior to T that prepared me better for coping with it. Arguably, something worse that I have learned to live with. Throughout my life, I always felt I was healthier than just about anybody I knew until one day, I wasn't. Such is life. Self love is big, even if those around aren't sensitive to give you the support you need. You are not your T. T is .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 of you. Actually less than that. Put it in its proper place and live your life like a rock star...with reduced sound levels of course. ;)
       
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    28. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      KrissyXris
      Supportive

      KrissyXris Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      @stophiss I don't want to sound weird but I truly feel You were someone that I was meant to connect with on here, your words have done more for me in these past few days then any dr or any med has been able to since day one, everything you have said has given me peace and the hope I have so deeply needed ...there is such wisdom behind your words and everything u have said I'm able to understand ...not once did I have to stop reading and say " what did he mean by that ? " lol I can relate to you and i'm not even sure why ...I don't personally know you but u make me feel like I've known u forever :) Thank u again for your awesome support !
       
    29. dgray

      dgray Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Virginia
      Tinnitus Since:
      July 2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, High Frequency Hearing Loss
      Ms. Glynis: You are a great lady who is very, very kind. This group is lucky to have you.
       
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    30. racerfish
      No Mood

      racerfish Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      2005
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise / T worsened with antiobiotics
      The earliest days of the first time of getting T is definitely the toughest. I've lived with this for 12 years and remember back when I first got it - all the panic and depression was awful. I thought there was no way I could live years with this sound in my head that would never go away. But with time, I habituated, took precautions with my ears, and I got on with my life. You will too. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it can be an adjustment. But life marches on and you too will be able to move on.
       
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