I Crave Silence More Than Anything Else

Hi, I'm having a very difficult time at the moment, especially with my thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I've had tinnitus since I was very young, although I cannot remember it exactly because there was always some sort of noise in quiet environments.

I have tinnitus and visual snow syndrome without any kind of explainable reason, maybe ETD, TMJ/D and Cervical issues could have contributed but I'm not sure about that.

But regardless, I can very well imagine silence and/or think of it, like being in a quiet and peaceful area in the nature or in the winter, you can hear howls from far away. I know, my tinnitus is constant and I hear it pretty much most of the time, and that's what really makes me sad, always being so tired...

I honestly cannot believe this happened to me because I basically did nothing imaginable to explain this, I don't have hearing loss nor do I have done many ototoxic medications or similar.

It just makes me sad, days are passing, people move on with their lives and I sit here, watching the sunset and birds singing while listening to my loud tinnitus. I honestly just want a chance to experience silence.

And my biggest fear is to never experience silence ever again, I just want to be in peace without this constant annoyance throughout my body/mind, I wish I'd deserved a chance. It's a pain... Why me, what did I do, and the worst part is that there is no cure at this moment. I just feel empty and broken inside like someone is stabbing my chest because I know that I can't experience silence again.

I'm hopeless and sad about my life, knowing that this is all I can do; nothing... And the worst part is that I still have all my life ahead of me, it's dark inside my mind, I always tried to be optimistic, but no one helped me, no one said we'll stop this torture (because there is nothing they can do), no one gave af about tinnitus, and I have to suffer from this without end in sight.

I just want silence more than anything desirable in the world, I would do literally everything to achieve it, and then I realize that I can do nothing about it and just carry on with my miserable life.

 

Hey @Tasty. I noticed that you've already been active in the community, specifically with providing information and data in Research News! Your input has already been very helpful and enlightening. Really looking forward to what else you might have to share in the future.

Sorry if this seems like a redundant question, but have you gone to see the relevant specialists that address these issues to rule out possible causes? (ENT, prosthodontist, etc.) I understand sometimes it isn't always possible due to various circumstances. I myself haven't been able to see an ENT yet because the wait time for specialists for "non-urgent" cases can be up to three years in my province.

I, and many many other people here, can sympathize with you so hard. What we wouldn't give to have silence back. To experience peace again. That line of thinking "why me?" is very normal. Everyone that deals with this garbage goes through it, in and out. I often fantasize of the day where a viable treatment will come that will give us back the life we lost. It's a thought that has helped me to climb out of a very dark place many times over.

I know it just seems like wishful thinking with the rate at which research is mobilizing; but what I do know is that things are gathering speed now like a snowball rolling down a hill. Something you couldn't say even ten years ago. But I know it still seems like whatever might come up feels like it's an eternity away. Time moves so much slower with this horrendous illness.

Until then, we do what we can to try and distract ourselves. Are there any short term/long term goals you've set for yourself? Any new ones you could create?

I know this is a platitude you've probably heard 100 times over, but just remember: you're not alone with this.

 

Is it the thoughts that bother you or the tinnitus? I've had struggles recently where the intrusive thoughts of "how did I end up here?", "why didn't I do this?" have bothered me more than the noise. I sleep and function much better when I clear my mind (easier said than done). Bless you for being able to endure.

 

It's the quietness, for example, mine fluctuates and sometimes, rarely, I'm able to have a bit of quiet time (or at least I had those memories) and it's just so peaceful and beautiful and that I cannot experience that makes my skin crawl because mine is most of the time pretty loud and debilitating.

 

I crave silence a lot as well, as do many others.

People don’t realize how important silence is, until they lose it.

Some get a valuable lesson when they get tinnitus for a few days after a concert or whatnot and learn from there. Some ignore it until it’s too late.

I wish that someone would have sat me down when I was in high school and demonstrated to me what tinnitus is, how fragile hearing is and what to avoid as means of prevention of hearing loss/tinnitus.

Funny thing is - even though tinnitus becomes more of pandemic as time goes on, no one really cares about prevention. Truly! Even in high schools they have alarms/rings that are 100 dB+.

I work in IT and used to visit data centers. Server rooms there are so freaking loud, it is like standing next to a jet engine of Boeing 747. I always wore earplugs (started visiting data centers after I got tinnitus, so I was very protective). Basically I was the only one wearing hearing protection there, lmao. DESPITE WARNING SOUNDS AND EARPLUGS BEING AVAILABLE FOR FREE IN EVERY CORNER LMAO.

 

Thanks brother, this kind of gives me hope, it just sometimes feels so far away

 

I know it isn’t much comforting, but I think I prefer having the tinnitus starting for no apparent reason rather than knowing which actions I did that led up to the onset.

Regret is hard to live with. Doesn't matter how much the logical side of your mind is aware that it won't help feeling remorse, it still goes on. At least for me. And that feeling is almost as horrible as the tinnitus – ”if I had just done these things differently I most likely wouldn't be in this situation.”

And I must say I feel pretty alone with the suffering. Day to say I don’t really have people around me that are in a similar situation and can relate. Like you say life just moves on for everyone else, but yourself you have a tilted perception of reality compared to how it used to be. Sucks so hard.

 

Ahhhhhh... Silence...

 

I can still remember silence and that is sort of bitter sweet. When I imagine it, it makes me sad so I don't like to think of it anymore. Sometimes I think "I remember what it sounded like to sit here and hear nothing". Thankfully my tinnitus is not so bad that I can't distract myself from it. But I do miss not needing a distraction, just soaking up silence.

 

I mean silence is a big word, it scientifically doesn't exist, but to hear nothing or just noises far away, is what I would wish to be able to do, "undisturbed from the noise."

 

Yea, I'm quite hyped for DBS honestly. Just gimme back my silence (no joke, I would do the surgery).

 

With highly reactive tinnitus I feel this so much. I am suffering everyday.

I hope we get treatment soon.

 

I actually made a post about this not too long ago. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be putting something like “silence” up on some pedestal especially if your tinnitus is chronic and in the moderate-severe category. There is going to come a time where one has to remain impartial to it all. That way, you put yourself in a better position to adapt.

 

What’s better than silence is to not hear tinnitus when I’m in an environment where there is not much going on, e.g., in a rain forest or at home. Would this be what you are thinking of?

 

If you can mask your tinnitus, it will be more or less ok. Not as good as silence with no tinnitus, but certainly not as bad as tinnitus on top of... silence.

 

With insane reactive permanently spiking from <40 dB tinnitus, silence isn't even something we people want. The issue was stability. As long as I'm stable I'm okay. Silence is overrated.

 

Although there are some limitations to habituation, for those able to achieve it (and you can) silence will not be so important. I advise you not to attempt to mask or cover up your tinnitus with a sound so it can't be heard. If you do this, your brain will find it more difficult to habituate to the tinnitus.

Please go to my started threads and read: The Habituation Process and How to Habituate to Tinnitus, for more information.

All the best,
Michael

 

I am sorry that you are having a rough time. My tinnitus was loud, variable and 24/7 and it is still with me now. When I first got tinnitus, all my efforts and research were centered around trying to make this go away, to get back to where I was before this all started. I wanted silence again. As time went on and I absorbed the information about this condition, I realized that a goal of total silence was not what I needed. What I needed was to learn to deal with this and push it into the background and make it unimportant so that it would no longer affect my life. I still hear it and it still gets my attention a few times a week but it no longer affects my life and I can live with it just fine.

Finish grieving the loss of silence and get through the 5 stages if you need to. Then this should be your goal, to learn new coping skills so that you can start to ignore this and get back to life. I believe that this can be achieved by many if not most people with tinnitus. It worked for me.

George

 

Hi @GeorgeLG -- I've come to believe that when people crave silence after getting tinnitus, it's as much about craving to reclaim a deep sense of calm and stillness as it is about hoping for complete silence again. I've noticed on this forum that if a person can regain that deep sense of calm, stillness, sense of equanimity, etc., then the loss of silence no longer feels so devastating.

 

I agree. I know habituation depends to an extent on level. Though I have read about people who are disturbed if they can hear their tinnitus when they are walking in a shopping centre and consider it hard to habituate. I hear mine on a busy road but I am usually in thought when walking around and it does not bother me. It doesn't even bother me now as I type in a silent room so I suppose that is habituation. The new silence is just hearing this ssssssssssssssssssssssss continual sound. The pink and various other noises are quite soothing but as Mike indicates dependency on these maskers is not the best way forward.

 

That could be. Maybe silence means no longer exhausted and strung out from the stress, at peace with or without some sounds. Good point.

George

 

Habituation can be complex, for each person the process will be unique to them but in most cases, people will arrive at the same destination once it is achieved. This is the reason I have covered habituation in a series of posts on my started threads.

Anyone that is interested in my views and opinions on habituation, I advise them to print and read: Is Habituation Possible?, The Habituation Process, Habituation and Tinnitus Treatments, How to Habituate to Tinnitus, What Happens After Habituation?, Tinnitus And Mental Health, The Complexities of Tinnitus and Hyperacusis.

If you prefer working in a quiet room and you are not bothered by your, tinnitus that is fine. However, it is not something I advise people to do. Quiet rooms and surroundings, especially at night, are best avoided for people that have tinnitus, because it allows the brain to focus more on the tinnitus. Over time the brain can increase its background activity, in the process the tinnitus will increase which can make it louder and more intrusive. This is the reason most audiologists and hearing therapists advise tinnitus patients to try and avoid quiet environments by using low-level sound enrichment. This is completely different from masking the tinnitus or attempting to cover it up with another sound so it cannot be heard.

When sound enrichment is used correctly, it can help to treat tinnitus and hyperacusis. Setting the sound enrichment below the level of the tinnitus allows the brain to habituate to it over time, and slowly pushes the tinnitus further into the background. If hyperacusis is present, the sound enrichment will desensitize the oversensitivity to sound. As I have previously mentioned, tinnitus is complex and so is hyperacusis. Therefore, I am just giving a brief summary. Some people may need the professional help of an audiologist, hearing therapist for counselling and may need medication and white noise generators.

Michael

 

Thanks for your comments. My working room overlooks a busy road and I generally listen to something on YouTube when I am working which may be a reason my tinnitus does not bother me there.