I Crave Silence More Than Anything Else

Discussion in 'Support' started by Tasty, Jun 23, 2022 at 7:06 PM.

    1. Tasty
      Feminine

      Tasty Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Sendai, Japan
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Visual Snow Syndrome/TMJ & Cervical Spine ?
      Hi, I'm having a very difficult time at the moment, especially with my thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I've had tinnitus since I was very young, although I cannot remember it exactly because there was always some sort of noise in quiet environments.

      I have tinnitus and visual snow syndrome without any kind of explainable reason, maybe ETD, TMJ/D and Cervical issues could have contributed but I'm not sure about that.

      But regardless, I can very well imagine silence and/or think of it, like being in a quiet and peaceful area in the nature or in the winter, you can hear howls from far away. I know, my tinnitus is constant and I hear it pretty much most of the time, and that's what really makes me sad, always being so tired...

      I honestly cannot believe this happened to me because I basically did nothing imaginable to explain this, I don't have hearing loss nor do I have done many ototoxic medications or similar.

      It just makes me sad, days are passing, people move on with their lives and I sit here, watching the sunset and birds singing while listening to my loud tinnitus. I honestly just want a chance to experience silence.

      And my biggest fear is to never experience silence ever again, I just want to be in peace without this constant annoyance throughout my body/mind, I wish I'd deserved a chance. It's a pain... Why me, what did I do, and the worst part is that there is no cure at this moment. I just feel empty and broken inside like someone is stabbing my chest because I know that I can't experience silence again.

      I'm hopeless and sad about my life, knowing that this is all I can do; nothing... And the worst part is that I still have all my life ahead of me, it's dark inside my mind, I always tried to be optimistic, but no one helped me, no one said we'll stop this torture (because there is nothing they can do), no one gave af about tinnitus, and I have to suffer from this without end in sight.

      I just want silence more than anything desirable in the world, I would do literally everything to achieve it, and then I realize that I can do nothing about it and just carry on with my miserable life.
       
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    2. beefling

      beefling Member

      Location:
      Nova Scotia, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Cumulative noise/Dysacusis
      Hey @Tasty. I noticed that you've already been active in the community, specifically with providing information and data in Research News! Your input has already been very helpful and enlightening. Really looking forward to what else you might have to share in the future.
      Sorry if this seems like a redundant question, but have you gone to see the relevant specialists that address these issues to rule out possible causes? (ENT, prosthodontist, etc.) I understand sometimes it isn't always possible due to various circumstances. I myself haven't been able to see an ENT yet because the wait time for specialists for "non-urgent" cases can be up to three years in my province.
      I, and many many other people here, can sympathize with you so hard. What we wouldn't give to have silence back. To experience peace again. That line of thinking "why me?" is very normal. Everyone that deals with this garbage goes through it, in and out. I often fantasize of the day where a viable treatment will come that will give us back the life we lost. It's a thought that has helped me to climb out of a very dark place many times over.

      I know it just seems like wishful thinking with the rate at which research is mobilizing; but what I do know is that things are gathering speed now like a snowball rolling down a hill. Something you couldn't say even ten years ago. But I know it still seems like whatever might come up feels like it's an eternity away. Time moves so much slower with this horrendous illness.

      Until then, we do what we can to try and distract ourselves. Are there any short term/long term goals you've set for yourself? Any new ones you could create?

      I know this is a platitude you've probably heard 100 times over, but just remember: you're not alone with this.
       
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    3. Edub

      Edub Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Probably a few different things
      Is it the thoughts that bother you or the tinnitus? I've had struggles recently where the intrusive thoughts of "how did I end up here?", "why didn't I do this?" have bothered me more than the noise. I sleep and function much better when I clear my mind (easier said than done). Bless you for being able to endure.
       
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    4. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Tasty
      Feminine

      Tasty Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Sendai, Japan
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Visual Snow Syndrome/TMJ & Cervical Spine ?
      It's the quietness, for example, mine fluctuates and sometimes, rarely, I'm able to have a bit of quiet time (or at least I had those memories) and it's just so peaceful and beautiful and that I cannot experience that makes my skin crawl because mine is most of the time pretty loud and debilitating.
       
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    5. lolkas

      lolkas Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Don`t know
      I crave silence a lot as well, as do many others.

      People don’t realize how important silence is, until they lose it.

      Some get a valuable lesson when they get tinnitus for a few days after a concert or whatnot and learn from there. Some ignore it until it’s too late.

      I wish that someone would have sat me down when I was in high school and demonstrated to me what tinnitus is, how fragile hearing is and what to avoid as means of prevention of hearing loss/tinnitus.

      Funny thing is - even though tinnitus becomes more of pandemic as time goes on, no one really cares about prevention. Truly! Even in high schools they have alarms/rings that are 100 dB+.

      I work in IT and used to visit data centers. Server rooms there are so freaking loud, it is like standing next to a jet engine of Boeing 747. I always wore earplugs (started visiting data centers after I got tinnitus, so I was very protective). Basically I was the only one wearing hearing protection there, lmao. DESPITE WARNING SOUNDS AND EARPLUGS BEING AVAILABLE FOR FREE IN EVERY CORNER LMAO.
       
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    6. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      Tasty
      Feminine

      Tasty Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Sendai, Japan
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Visual Snow Syndrome/TMJ & Cervical Spine ?
      Thanks brother, this kind of gives me hope, it just sometimes feels so far away :(
       
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    7. star-affinity
      Wishful

      star-affinity Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      1993, increase in 2020, then new in 2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unsure about the first. Too many beers? Music during sleep.
      I know it isn’t much comforting, but I think I prefer having the tinnitus starting for no apparent reason rather than knowing which actions I did that led up to the onset.

      Regret is hard to live with. Doesn't matter how much the logical side of your mind is aware that it won't help feeling remorse, it still goes on. At least for me. And that feeling is almost as horrible as the tinnitus – ”if I had just done these things differently I most likely wouldn't be in this situation.” :(

      And I must say I feel pretty alone with the suffering. Day to say I don’t really have people around me that are in a similar situation and can relate. Like you say life just moves on for everyone else, but yourself you have a tilted perception of reality compared to how it used to be. Sucks so hard.
       
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    8. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Ahhhhhh... Silence...
       
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    9. Shelbylynn
      Depressed

      Shelbylynn Member

      Location:
      Fresno, California
      Tinnitus Since:
      1/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Concert/lifelong music abuse
      I can still remember silence and that is sort of bitter sweet. When I imagine it, it makes me sad so I don't like to think of it anymore. Sometimes I think "I remember what it sounded like to sit here and hear nothing". Thankfully my tinnitus is not so bad that I can't distract myself from it. But I do miss not needing a distraction, just soaking up silence.
       
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