I Want to Die — Tinnitus Started a Few Months Ago from a Stress Reaction

I've had the worst of my tinnitus for only a few months now. It literally started in November just before the holidays. I truly believe it was a stress reaction but it has ruined my life. Every night I pray for God to take my life.

I've read and read about tinnitus and all the news is so negative. No cure, nor real treatment etc. I've just gotten hearing aids for hearing loss and the doctor claims it will help but it will take time she says.

I do have some days where it's bearable because I'm so very busy but then others where the noise is so loud I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.

I just don't know how I'm going to live with this. I feel so desperate, so scared, so alone and so panicked. It's affecting my ability to function and I find no joy left in life.

 

HI @Angel377

I am sorry to know that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment with tinnitus. I see you have joined the forum today, so welcome. You have had tinnitus since 2017 and not sure what caused it? Something usually causes tinnitus and the most common cause is exposure to loud noise. Before the onset of the tinnitus were you a regular user of headphones or frequently went to clubs, concerts where loud music was played? If yes to any of these questions then your tinnitus is probably noise induced.

You haven't said what part of the world you live? Although there isn't a cure for tinnitus at the moment there are treatments that can help with managing the condition, to enable a person to have a better quality of life. As you have encountered, there is a lot of negativity surrounding tinnitus on the Internet. Unfortunately, this is also found in some tinnitus forums, especially towards treatments which some people have never tried and believe aren't effective, which is not necessarily the case. There is also a positive side to tinnitus but first, it would help to know what is actually the cause of yours?

Before I advise further, I would appreciate if you can please answer the questions I asked above: Whether you were a regular user of headphones or frequently went to clubs or concerts? If no, then your tinnitus is unlikely to be noise induced, and could be due to hearing loss that you mention in combination with an underlying medical problem within your auditory system. Stress can also cause tinnitus as you have indicated.

Thank you
Michael

 

I'm so sorry Angel for what you are experiencing. I know how you feel. I'm not saying that just to be nice. "I know,...how you feel." A little over a year ago when I was struck with this scourge, I had the exact same feelings. I still recall sitting down next to my wife on the couch 3 days after the onset and telling her with teary eyes "I just got through the last three days with this, but I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this."

Just a quick word to fill you in on what happened to me. In the middle of the night I was awaken from sleep by a loud popping and crackling noise in my head. At first I thought it was just some sort of head congestion. After a few minutes I got out of bed and discovered that I had pretty strong vertigo and also could not hear anything out of my right ear. I tried to "walk it off" but to no avail. After a while the popping and crackling noise subsided, however I was left with significant Tinnitus on my right side along with the 100% deafness in right ear. Three days later, I was sitting on the couch in tears.

Fast forward to today about 14 months later. In spite of getting treated with prednisone right after the "event", there is no change. Total hearing loss in right ear, significant Tinnitus (loud hissing noise, like untuned radio, idling jet engine,) and along with that I have severe Hyperacusis in my good ear that makes being around a lot of talking people (especially inside) almost intolerable. To put it mildly, it has changed my life.

I'm not telling you all this to further depress you. I'm telling you this to try and give you some hope for the future in the even that your condition does not improve outwardly. I say "outwardly" because I am hear to testify that there is a future. Things will get better even if your Tinnitus does not. That "getting better" will come from within. I have been there. I am there. And I am going on.

The first hurdle I had to jump over was total, complete acceptance. I know thats a hard thing to grasp, but there really is no way forward short of that. By giving in to complete acceptance, you are able to once again start focusing on other things. By being able to once again focus on other things you will feel like the volume of the T is actually going down (when in reality it is not). This will also help with the stress/depression that points you right back to the Tinnitus. By full acceptance that leads into being able to again focus on other life matters, you will begin to have little periods where you look back maybe only a few minutes and realize that you forgot that you have the Tinnitus noise for those few minutes. That is your starting point. A few minutes becomes more minutes. More minutes becomes an hour. There will be many failures along the way where you give in to the "noise" and are faced with the enormity of this insidious noise screaming in your head. That's okay, none of us have super powers. After you have a good cry,.. just start again. Full acceptance. Try not to think about all the years you have to live. Just live,...now. Tomorrow will come, when it comes.

This is the path I have chosen. I really didn't have a choice. I decided that I wasn't going to kill myself, so my next thought was..."Well, if Im going to remain living with this thing, then I guess this is it. Me and Tinnitus. It's here to stay, so I may as well get on with it." I also had a time where I sorta interviewed myself by asking myself..."Do I still enjoy rising in the morning? Well, not as much as before, but yes. I still enjoy getting up for another day." "Do I still enjoy seeing my family?" Again,..."Well yes. It's a little bit more trouble being with them, but yes, I still get some enjoyment from it". And it went like that. I began building a case for going on with life enduring the scourge of Tinnitus.

Today, it's still there. Loud as ever. On good days, or moments, it is just a somewhat mild constant hissing/static noise in my head. On just okay days/moments it is a loud hissing/static noise with little high pitched squeaking sounds thrown in. During bad times, it sounds like I'm standing next to an idling jet engine, and I then usually have to do something to change my environment.

I guess I should tell you that my personal Tinnitus/Hypracusis may be quite different than yours. My Tinnitus is very much noise activated. It never ever goes away, but is very much affected by the surrounding noise environment I am in. At night when things get very quiet, after a time it begins to wind down a bit. By the time I wake up in the morning it is pretty mild until I get up and turn of the water or basically do anything that causes even mild sounds. Then the Tinnitus cranks up again to a much more intrusive noise. But like I have stated in the above, my attitude is much different now. I still sometimes get angry with it and roll my eyes at the utter nonsense of this thing, but I am living with full acceptance. There's no getting around it, we are in every sense of the word,...handicapped. I use that word because when I see the many cases of handicapped people who are living with such incredible challenges, and I see them making the best of it and living seemingly enjoyable lives, I want that, and I am going to take it. This is why I had to get to that place of full acceptance.

Well Angel, I have gone on more than I had planned to. By sharing these sentiments with you, it is also therapeutic for myself. I really felt the anguish in your post and truly feel for you. I hope these words are of some help in taking the next step in your journey. There is a life to live. Maybe not like before. But it's there. If it's like myself, it will be the biggest challenge you will ever face. You must face it, and accept it. The life you will live will/may not be like before. But it will be worth living. J

 

@Angel377
Hey hang in there... Things can get better and if they don't there will be help sooner than you think!

 

Thanks so much for all the kind words and stories. Unfortunately at the moment hearing everyone else's stories for the most part frightens me even more because some if these stories are just horrific . My situation seems bad and hopeless enough but then I hear about others who are worse and get in a panic that could happen to me as well. Definitely not a comforting thought. I am working on the acceptance part but have heard some encouraging things on the internet. Claims by doctors and other suffering that things do improve over time . I guess the brain eventually adjusts to the noise and begins to filter it out more and more. So I find that encouraging. I got my hearing aids , no help from them yet on the tinnitus front but I sure noticed how much I wasn't hearing. I was asked if I wore head phones and the answer to that is yes and no. I used a bluetooth headset daily in one ear. I find it however hard to think that is the cause. I am having an MRI next week to make sure there is nothing else internal going on. I'll keep you posted. In the mean time I have had a few good days mixed in with the really bad. Remaining busy is truly the key to keeping my mind distracted. Not saying it's easy at all but at this point even small snippets of relief is better than none.

 

I am sorry you had to read some of those posts and the fear mongering that goes on here. I have been vocal about curbing this type of stuff, but people don't seem to care what new comers are feeling or dealing with.

I am very sorry to also hear about your situation. I can only suggest to try and keep distracted and relax. Seeing that it is from stress I can assume that it will reduce over time as you destress your life. Over time the tinnitus may fade and become for bearable and you can habituate to it. Try and stay relaxed as best you can. If it was caused by stress, I would suggest going to do CBT to help reduce your overall stress level, which may reduce the tinnitus.

 

Have you experienced any fading compared to how it was four months ago?

 

Welcome to the forum. Angel. I have deep empathy for what you are going through, as many of us have been where you are. The feelings you expressed in above quoted paragraph are quite common among new tinnitus sufferers or those with their T spiking to a new level. It will be tough initially but generally it will improve from 6 months or more. Right now the limbic nerves due to the tinnitus trauma will dominate resulting in fight or flight response which makes everything seemingly a lot harder. After some time, when you normal parasympathetic nervous system is restored, you will find things a lot easier to manage and the intensity of the T ringing will tend to fade over time. Patience is needed at this time to endure the initial suffering.

Not everything is gloomy. There are many success stories posted by members on the forum. I encourage you to read up the success stories to give you some hope which can hopefully reduce the stress level and thereby the intensity of your T. I have been there and suffered like you with bad T and hyperacusis at the same time. I had the same fear about living like that for the rest of my life. But today I live a normal, productive and happy life, quite different from what I had thought before. So try to focus on the positives and get busy with life. Believe the good life will be back. If my success story can be of help, you can check out the link below. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

Dear Angel
Sorry that you have to go through such a difficult time. I cannot add much to what the others have already said, but maybe you want to give this method a try: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/
It isn't a magical cure, but it's a way of taking out the emotional response to tinnitus, which makes a massive difference. It takes some practice but is has helped me and others a lot with anxiety/depression and other difficult emotions like regret, worry, etc. (still working on it though).

I wish you all the best.

 

Thank you all very much for the great words of encouragement. I just watched a great little video someone posted regarding the fact this is a brain issue not an ear issue which makes great sense to me and he spoke of how he was finally able to rid himself of tinnitus by stopping the fight or flight response that his brain was producing. Very encouraging and uplifting. I finally feel I may have a life again at some point. Today was very rough but yesterday was quite good so I guess a lot of prayer and one day at a time.

 

You hit the nail on the head Angel, one day at a time! Hang in there and God Bless!

 

@JohnFox

Hello John. I liked your post to Angel377. Just want you to know that it also helped me as I deal with a spike in my T and H. It has given me strength to get through the next 24 hours.
Thank you.

 

OK, the thing about asking for help on a forum is some of the replies even if the advice is really excellent are from people who tend to have it worse. For many people, tinnitus does actually quieten down over time. The brain can push it into the background, but many people describe something like the actual volume going down. I've got variable tinnitus which goes from hear it over everything to - can be blocked out by the TV. The no. of loud days I get is highly dependent on stress and unhappiness. Conversely, happiness and distraction are the best things for quietening tinnitus (no easy feat when it's distressing you). This stress link is not there for everyone but it's there for many.

 

JohnFox,

Thanks for your detailed reply to Angel377. I can relate to having the feeling of thinking that tinnitus will be unbearable to live with. Like others said above, take it one day at a time. Also, reading other people's stories really helps me.