I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by PeteJ, Feb 24, 2019.

    1. Jack Straw
      Balanced

      Jack Straw Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990s
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Infection, Acoustic Trauma
      Have you seen a mental health professional? I do not mean reading about CBT.

      Have you discussed medicine with a doctor regarding depression or anxiety?
       
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    2. Strife_84
      Energetic

      Strife_84 Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mixing music for long hours and too loud I guess.
      ENTs cannot fix you, there is no cure. You need mental help.
       
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    3. Strife_84
      Energetic

      Strife_84 Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mixing music for long hours and too loud I guess.
      He will probably shoot it down because mental health professionals don't know how tinnitus feels thus they cannot help him. He is constantly talking about doing a suicide on chat and how no one cannot help him.
       
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    4. Jack Straw
      Balanced

      Jack Straw Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990s
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Infection, Acoustic Trauma
      To add to this @PeteJ

      There is nothing wrong with getting mental help. If someone had tinnitus and wasn’t struggling mentally, I would think something is wrong with them. It is normal to deal with intense emotional issues when dealing with tinnitus.

      Please get help by seeing a mental health specialist.
       
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    5. Jack Straw
      Balanced

      Jack Straw Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990s
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Infection, Acoustic Trauma
      Yes I have seen this as well.

      There is no cure. The only way to deal with tinnitus is taking the emotion out of it, mask it, distract yourself.
       
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    6. Strife_84
      Energetic

      Strife_84 Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mixing music for long hours and too loud I guess.
      Unfortunately this is the only way. Maybe some masking device etc. But other than that, there is no cure, at least for now.

      I don't think it's funny at all to constantly threat about doing suicide. And still not getting help.

      We have offered help. You, me, many others. But nothing goes trough.

      It's like yelling "fire! Fire!" and there is none. And when there is fire, no one takes you seriously anymore.
       
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    7. john paul
      English

      john paul Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/11/17
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma
      It could be Eustachian tube dysfunction. I know how you must feel, it's a very distressing situation. ENTs are not really that good, they have a tough job on their hands. I've not read all your posts so I don't know what caused your tinnitus?
       
    8. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Acoustic trauma.

      I have a number of other health problems relating to or possibly because of tinnitus. I am not sleeping well at all. I keep waking up. My eyes hurt. My left ear hurts - is in pain. My right ear creaking though, I am quite worried about.

      Masking it or talking to therapists is not going to do anything because these are physical problems. I don't know if drs or ENTs can help and if they can't, why would someone think a therapist can help? Geez. :-(
       
    9. Jack Straw
      Balanced

      Jack Straw Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990s
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Infection, Acoustic Trauma
      @PeteJ go see a mental health physician and discuss medication with them.

      You have a lot of good advice on here but you refuse to listen to it. You have not tried CBT in a clinical setting or gone to see a psychiatrist. These are routes people take when dealing with tinnitus.
       
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    10. john paul
      English

      john paul Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/11/17
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma
      Yeah it sucks, the pain in your ear is probably hyperacusis which is down to the noise trauma. The creaking I'm not sure aobut, could be wax or some lower frequency tinnitus I'm not familiar with. The thing to do at this stage is work on calming yourself down and telling yourself that this won't last forever. My tinnitus was so horrific for the first 3 months that if it had carried on like it was there is no way I'd be here now. But I just told myself that this can not last and it didn't.

      It's still pretty shitty to deal with but it's calmed down so much since the beginning. I went through depression, suicidal thoughts for about a year on and off and have finally accepted it and trying to live as normally as I can. Bed time is not what it used to be but I just have to accept it. There is not a lot anyone can do unfortunately other than you working on your own frame of mind. Masking it and occupying your mind, which seems really crap to begin with as its all you can think about but in time you will live normally again without thinking about it 24/7. There are some potential treatments coming in the future so just give it time man.
       
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    11. Strife_84
      Energetic

      Strife_84 Member

      Location:
      Finland
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mixing music for long hours and too loud I guess.
      Also people who have other physical disabilities usually undergo therapy. It is a sudden change of life if you lose a limb, hearing, sight etc.

      I don't understand why @PeteJ refuses. It's just pure stubborness....
       
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    12. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      You don't know what I go through. Stop making these assumptions up.
       
    13. Jack Straw
      Balanced

      Jack Straw Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame Advocate

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      1990s
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Infection, Acoustic Trauma
      What assumptions? You told us you haven’t done CBT or gone to a doctor about your mental health. I didn’t make any assumptions.

      We are trying to help you, but you are refusing to take our advice.

      Is there a reason you won’t try CBT or try medication to help with your depression / anxiety?
       
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    14. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I will inquire about my mental health but it's pointless.

      Do people who reply not realize all the problems I have now? I just skimmed through another thread in which I participated. My ear pain wasn't as often. I was wearing earplugs then and they irritated my canals but I don't even think I could try now.

      My t is loud and high pitched piercing and I just want to stop. I don't want to suffer anymore. There's no treating this with therapy. The only reason I am considering meds is because I can't relax in bed when I want to sleep. I have tried repeatedly and it doesn't matter. :(
       
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    15. winstona
      Balanced

      winstona Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      Oct 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise exposure and excessive ear irrigation
      If it helps, try some meds to help you sleep. You can get thru this!
       
    16. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      No, it's torture.
       
    17. rtlewis88
      Daring

      rtlewis88 Member

      Location:
      Columbia, SC, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      1980s Concerts Hyperacusis Since: 2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud Music and Occupational Hazards as a Young Adult
      @PeteJ , have you done a combo of melatonin and GABA supplement, at bedtime, or anything to both sooth the T a little, and get groggy enough to doze off? I apologize for being redundant if you have covered that already. You need to get zen, somehow, before you can start getting hold of the lunacy... kind of challenging.

      Also, you need to find some protection that doesn't rub you raw - if you're not allergic, than their just too big. I'm a fairly big guy, but I still have to wear 'Lady' earplugs, or my canals bitch.

      Here's a big hug from an old guy who wears hot-pink earplugs!
       
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    18. glynis
      Feminine

      glynis Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      @PeteJ,
      I truly know how you feel and it's never ending.
      Cinnarizine 15mg 1 or 2 three times a day can reduce tinnitus for people with Meniere's but worth asking your doctor if you could try it.

      Other than that maybe hearing aids.

      For some people who have tinnitus in their head from misfiring signals a low dose antidepressant might help so worth asking about that also and make sure it's one that will help you sleep also.

      love glynis
       
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    19. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Yup, I agree it's torture.

      Everyone is trying to help you here.

      I wanted to kill myself for the first year and I have kids who would have been destroyed had I done that.

      I found meds helped me sleep for a few months.

      Take some advice to heart, especially if it's good and know everyone here is on your side pulling for you. Your health and well being matters to us. Believe it.
       
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    20. OnceUponaTime
      Frustrated

      OnceUponaTime Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      New York
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/11
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Allergies or Acoustic Trauma, Stress
      This is the truth...in one simple sentence. And it is doable @PeteJ .
      Take a deep breath.... and let it out slowly.
      Keep looking for YOUR OWN way to cope with this... Don't give up!
      We are all different and we cope in many different ways.
      Unfortunately, it takes a bit of time to get there... but you will.
      We know that the struggle is real.
      We are here for you and we care...
      Once
       
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    21. monkey legs

      monkey legs Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      1991 (Low level). Worse Dec 2017 to Now
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear injury (paintball) 1991. 2017 > Onwards Cause? Not sure.
      I dont like the statement "There is no cure" while possibly technically correct (for now), you can reach a point where your mind/body comes back into balance. When that happens it is a kind of cure, because Tinnitus does not dominate your life - and you are more or less your old self.

      This takes time (for me 1.5 years and counting). Things are not perfect but my mind is almost back to normal. I sleep without any masker/aids. I call T my friend now. Who would of thought that could happen?

      Peace & Love.
       
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    22. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I appreciate all the kind words so far but let me explain why it is so hard to cope for me (I will repeat and reiterate):

      1) the t is so loud, high pitched and piercing - multiple tones. It is like this most of the time. I don't know why. From noises? Damage to my ears? Lack of sleep? I dunno! All I know is it is torture. Correct me if I wrong but few here have it like that? 9/10 t.

      2) I have ear pain or discomfort. My ears feel abnormal 24/7. The situation or condition seems to have worsened. My ear feels tight or strained. That can even get worse when the pain is more severe. This is just as scary as #1. Ear pain or discomfort to this degree is not normal. It's distressing reading about theories for this including nerve-related reasons. But, there is no medical explanation yet and I might not get one? :(

      3) #2 leads to #3. I have had to choose between wearing ear plugs or muffs and ear pain. I used to wear ear plugs more often but the canals became inflamed. Then it became worse than that. I had excruciating ear pain after wearing plugs, often in the right ear. But, I have pain that can emit from either ear. Often for no apparent reason or cause.

      I switched to wearing muffs but they cause discomfort, too. Peltor X4A muffs are tight to me. No amount of adjusting seems to help. But, I need something so I have them with me. But, there are times I want to be wearing something especially plugs - going in stores or my car, for instance, but I can't. Not if I want to avoid several days of inevitable ear pain. I put on muffs if I have reason to believe a loud noise will happen - an approaching siren, tractor trailer or large truck (very loud brakes) etc.

      Still, should I be using hearing protection more often. I don't know if I am not doing it enough. I don't want to risk further harm to my ears or worsening t because I didn't protect or protect in time. :(

      My ear condition doesn't allow a balance because there is no choice here. Ear pain vs protection is not a choice. It just means pain and torture either way.

      Why are my ears like this? Just because I got tinnitus? Is it a firm of hyperacusis? If so, why is it so severe?

      I don't have various sounds immediately causing pain. If I have noise induced pain, then there is a delay. I don't remember that being a symptom of h. I don't know what is wrong and I am scared that ENTs won't be able to either. All I will have are theories here. :(

      All of the above is why I can't cope. It's why talking to a therapist for 30 minutes won't help. It's why some drugs won't help. Maybe I can reduce stress temporarily sometimes but it won't treat the main problem.

      If there is no way to heal/solve this then I fear just wanting to die so I don't have to suffer any longer. It is still a shock that this is happening to me. :(
       
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    23. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I am screwed. I just need a suicide method that works. People are getting fading here and the patterns are low t and they can protect their ears with plugs or muffs. The t and ear pain mean I am screwed.

      I am still in shock that this ruined my life.
       
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    24. Simon101

      Simon101 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Trauma
      Pete man,

      I have read through this thread and I know you are going through torture right now.
      I got tinnitus back in 2003 when I was 17 and thought my life was a death sentence, a family member also committed suicide at this time and I felt the absolute horror of that too. It took me somewhere between 1-2 years to habituate. By the 3-4 year mark I had completely forgotten I had tinnitus. I still wore ear plugs to all noisy events though.

      A few weeks back I went to a party and got drunk, didn't put my ear plugs in (as I had been habituated for over a decade) and boom the dread, terror, fear, hopelessness all came back. Plus I got so angry at myself for letting this happen again. I am currently in recovery for the second time and have had sleepless nights, cried, broke down, scream inside my head "why me." etc....

      However, I know I overcame this once before and that gives me hope that if I 100% commit to recovery, I can get over it again. You can live with tinnitus, the brain is a powerful organ.

      I'm thinking about you, but there is hope. People overcome all sorts of adversity in life and everyone's battle is the worst in their own mind. That may not help you now but please stay calm, take it one day at a time and do anything you can not to panic.

      Panic for tinnitus is like adding Kerosene to a flame

      I'll monitor this thread and I'm rooting for ya

      Simon
       
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    25. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not sure
      @PeteJ
      Hope you will give a good consideration on all the good advises. Your T is really quite new. There is really no need to rush to do anything unthinkable which is a one-way ticket. Life is precious and there is only 1 life to live. Some people have T much worse, with other conditions too such as hyperacusis (some with pain in the ears), pulsatitle T, Meniere disease (T plus vertigo and more), etc. Remember that TIME and its passage is one of the most common elements of success, either with T fading or with our perception of T changed for the better. Don't believe that? Try read over the success stories and you will see that people's perception can change, and that their ability to handle the ringing can slowly improve. Remember you are not the only one who wishes to die after having T. It is quite common. Many questions the value of living under T. For life? No way, said many. But after a few years or just 6 to 18 months, most people will find T not to bothersome.

      Here is just one illustration of how desperate some new members were initially, a desperate post from Neenie who, like you, initially insisted on silence or death.. But as it turns out, she changes her perception of T over time, from suicidal suffering to not caring a dime about T and even questioning why the fuss about silence. It sounds absurd but it happens for her, and for many other people. Why doubt yourself that given time you will be like them?

      When Neenie first posted here, she was so very desperate and panicky, depressed and questioning the value of living on with her severe T. She started a thread 'Tinnitus has taken my life away':

      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-has-taken-my-life-away.2737/

      after a while, more desperation post about T not improving and not habituating, and crying over T:

      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-wont-i-habituate.2785/
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/always-crying.3251/
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-nature-of-habituation.3303/page-2#post-32375

      Now after some time, the subtle change in perception and tone about her T:
      Mental illness and tinnitus

      And her triumphant post over her T in a Christmas message.
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/merry-xmas-members.7343/

      Hang in there. Give yourself more time. Find something interesting to to pursue. If you are not afraid of death, there is nothing much to be afraid of. Go pursue those things you like to do. Take good care. God bless.
       
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    26. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Advocate

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      @Simon101 thanks for this, needed it too as am going through a similar patch.
       
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    27. Candy

      Candy Member Benefactor Advocate

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unidentified
      @PeteJ you’re new to this... the body adjusts and so does the brain. Once the fear, anger, frustration dye down you’ll slowly adjust to a new reality. Give yourself a chance, it takes time... it took me a couple of years. One foot in front of the other for now until things change. You can’t see it now and you have to go through it as there is no fast forward button in life but give yourself a chance please.
       
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    28. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Why can't people accept my mental health would be manageable if I didn't have tinnitus or if it wasn't so intrusive?

      I just argued with a lot of people about mental health, therapy, drugs and perception of our tinnitus noises/sounds.

      My tinnitus is likely noise induced or at least the trigger was. If there is some neat way to react differently, I don't know of it.

      I believe the neuro plasticity based on ear/hearing malfunction and/or damage. I am inclined to think the noise and volume is due to the brain sending signals that something is wrong and trying to fix things but it can't. If healing happens, the 'alarm' lessens or reduces in intensity, volume etc. Stress and anxiety might influence it but people here seem to think that it is 90%+ controlling or influencing everything.

      Spikes happen after noise. Pain might come from noise. This is due to a 'broken' or malfunctioning auditory system. I want my stress, anxiety and depression to be minimal but how do I accomplish that when the volume and intensity is like this?

      The effect of therapy and psychological methods are limited. I will try them again but there are limited resources here. Even if renowned psychiatrists could see me for free, I still think the affect or ability to help me would be limited. Else, people would be praising these resources in droves. Not just a tiny minority. I am sure they work well if you don't have tinnitus or if it's mild. But, for me, I just want improvement and then I know the rest will follow.

      The chicken/egg and frustrating cycle brings me down more. :(
       
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    29. AUTHOR
      AUTHOR
      PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Is that based on me improving which I interpret as a lower reduction of tinnitus noise volume or based on the infamous 'habitustion' or 'getting used to it?'

      When people say 'give it time' what is meant exactly?

      I was less stressed and felt better when it lowered. When my tinnitus fluctuated, it would lower to a tinkling and a hiss around a month in. Why didn't it lower more if that reduced stress and anxiety? I don't get it. :(
       
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    30. Michael Leigh

      Michael Leigh Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Brighton, UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      April /1996
      Anyone in this forum that doesn't agree with what you have stated above, does not understand or have any experience, of the way tinnitus can affect a person's mental and emotional wellbeing when it becomes severe and intrusive. Tinnitus is intrinsically linked to our thoughts and emotions and cannot be separated from them. The more stressed and anxious a person becomes dew to the intrusiveness of the tinnitus, the louder it will appear to be.

      Although medication such as an antidepressant may not directly lower the tinnitus noise, it helps to lower it in another way by acting as a safety net, to help prevent a person not to feel or become too down over the tinnitus - resulting in relieving some of the stress and anxiety that otherwise would be present if medication were not used. Therefore, less focus is put on the tinnitus noise and thus it becomes less intrusive over time.

      If a person is having a difficult time managing their tinnitus and chooses not to take medication or counselling, then they are left to deal with it by themselves. Admirable as this might seem, this approach doesn't suit everyone as a person might find themselves slipping into deep depression, where the tinnitus might become more intrusive.

      My advice to you is to try not think too negatively before you've even tried a particular treatment. Comments such as: "The affect or ability to help me would be limited" is not going to help you, as you are putting up walls and reinforcing negative thinking that no treatment is going to help you.

      I know that will not like my comments and therefore, I have written them in the hope they may be of help to readers of this thread.

      There is always hope people so don't give up trying.

      Michael
       
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