I've Given Up on Life

I am having periods through the day where I feel calm. I think I am beginning to stabilize on ativan again. I will attempt another taper, with a valium substitution this time, after I'm fully stabilized for at least a month or two.

I am seeing an optometrist at the beginning of August to have my eyes looked at. It seems like there's some cloudiness/blurriness that wasn't there before and this is concerning to me. It's been nearly 4 years since I've been to an eye doctor.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I'll be in this thread until I'm comfortable enough to be alone again.

 

@Sen , sounds very proactive, let us know how it goes for you my friend.

 

I would stay on ativan for the rest of my life, or some benzo, there are people out there who have been on them for decades and are doing fine. Why suffer if you can instead take the benzo?

 

Because they can stop working at any time. Your body builds a tolerance. And the longer youre on the drug, the longer lasting the protracted withdrawal is. It might mess me up for life. The potential downsides, especially for someone as sensitive to benzos as I am, may not be worth the few years of relative comfort.

I also might have a better chance at improving if I'm not on benzodiazepines.

 

Wow, this site is amazing, I am so glad I found this, I no longer feel alone in this. Health conditions that no one can see are frustrating. I understand what you are feeling Matt. I have had Tinnitus since January 2015 and have had it constantly every single day since, never lets up. I too have chronic headaches, (been told they are migraines), I have pressure in my head, dizzy episodes along with balance problems and actually my tinnitus started right after my first attack of vertigo in Jan,. 2015. I have been to specialists and no one seems to be able to explain the onset of the vertigo. Don't give up on life Matt, you are not alone.

 

Does anyone know what it means to have blurry "patches" in your vision? I feel like i'm constantly trying to blink away blurriness but it doesn't go away. I hope this isn't something bad. The problems never stop :|

 

How are you going to write here if you go blind? Blind and your hearing issues now that would be bad. Vision is too precious for internet "diagnosis." There is a specialist you need to see and it's called ophthalmologist

 

I am seeing an optometrist in a few days. I've never heard of an ophthalmologist

 

Terrified about my vision now.

 

Ophthalmology is the branch of medicine concerned with the study and treatment of disorders and diseases of the eye. Ophthalmologist is in basic terms eye doctor. Optometrists are useless fucks (they can measure your vision and give a prescription for glasses but that's about it!!), not real doctors. Glorified eye glasses salesmen.
Let's hope you don't lose your vision

 

Kane is right....i have the same situation....i got severe T few months ago....ive had T for almost 3 years now...
Have been working very hard staying alone in a different country...
Supporting mtself with the money I make...everyweek...

 

So many incorrect assumptions. Please do tell me how I can mask my T at the frequency I have no hearing left?

Additionally I always protect my hearing when I leave my appartment. Why couldn't people with H do this aswell?

I had painful H after noise exposure which produced my T aswell so I can related to severe H very well, but H was never a problem for me. I didn't bother me when I was in silence and protected my hearing while I was out. But that neverending unmaskable noise in my ears...

The positive thing now is that my H ranges from mild to non-existent. There is general assumption now that the H is Ts little brother which is a sign of milder hearing damage.

 

You had temporary H which is by no means the same with living with severe H day in and day out.We have T also don't forget,unmaskable T with the added bonus of excruciating constant pain to accompany it day in and day out.Hearing protection only slightly reduces the pain and actually makes your ears more sensitive if worn constantly,people don't agree with that but I'm living proof that it does indeed make you more sensitive over time and it has for others too.So now we're in a limbo of when to and when not to protect our ears which is just an impossible task to comprehend.You said that you wear hearing protection when you leave the house,I have to wear it just to turn on a sink!

The fact of the matter is simple,T is one thing but T and H on a daily basis is a whole different ball game and people who aren't dealing with this two headed beast daily shouldn't try to hand out advice when they don't know what it's like.Im not saying anything bad about these people of course not,but it gets frustrating when people without the condition get frustrated at you for not trying hard enough and getting out in the world to take your mind off of it,it's truly not that simple,something they can't possibly understand.

You said yourself that H wasn't a big deal to you but to me H is a bigger deal than T especially when it comes to day to day living and I'm not alone on that.I've had only T,ear splitting at that but still managed to live a life regardless but now that H has arrived it's virtually impossible to live a meaningful life anymore.

The argument of H being minor damage is just bull to me if I'm honest,people get Temporary T and some get temporary H which in their eyes I can understand why it's seen as minor damage but for the people with severe T and H on a daily basis it's more then just minor damage and I believe Charles Libermann is proving that fact,that it's down to auditory nerve/synaptic damage and it's far from minor damage,possibly temporary for a select few yes but I believe this idea of it being minor undermines it's true impact on people's lives.

I'm not arguing here but just showing my perspective on things.

 

First of all, don't overvictimize yourself to enforce your arguments (by adding more favorable painful expressions and details to your text which I couldn't possibly know before). I was addressing this statement which did not mention H+T. "It's this simple,people without severe H literally have no clue what it's like to have severe H,it is 100 times worse than T period."

And then couple of clarifications to my original text. Sorry about being so unclear (which I really was).

- What I meant was: Severe H wasn't problem for me compared to my (unmaskable) T. This is just my experience of H and T. Why are you trying to talk me out of it? Maybe people experience these things in different way and you can't universally say "H is worse than T" or "T is worse than H".
- H is produced by milder hearing damage compared to T. But the damage may be severe still in the case H. Generally speaking it's just milder (or less severe) damage compared to hearing damage which results T.

And secondly it's funny that you have a severe H and you haven't learned to turn on a sink in silent way which was one of the first things I figured out (not full on, water stream sliding along edge of the sink). This detail makes me wonder that do you even have severe H or are you victimizing yourself again.

 

Your a scumbag for even insinuating that I don't have H,severe life destroying H and that it's all part of an act?Your a scumbag for even daring to say that I"victimise"myself,why would I want to victimise myself with this bullshit?Theres nothing more I would love to be doing than writing a beautiful success story for everyone here to read and take encouragement from,that I'm doing great but if I did I then would be guilty of lying something you for reasons unknown to me think I'm already doing?

Your whole argument of H being minor damage is irrelevant and not proven by any means so I'm not even going to touch on the subject but I will say this and you can hold me to it,H and possibly T are a direct result of auditory nerve/synapse damage and as I stated above is far from minor damage to which you believe it is,it's different damage not less severe damage.Read up on Charles Libermann and see for yourself.

Next,I'm not doubting your experience of H but your experience of H is not the experience of people who suffer severely on a daily basis so with all due respect you aren't in a position to comment on what our suffering is like because if you truly did know you would not be saying the things you are.Im not for one second trying to get people boo hooing for me and to think that T is no big deal or undermine the suffering of many people here but simply that life with T is torture,life with T and H is unimaginable.Again I had and have unbearable unmaskable T so I and many others like me are fighting a two headed beast daily,what coping strategies you may use for T DO NOT APPLY for a severe H sufferer that was my original point.I see people here trying to help and that should be commended but they shouldn't get upset when Matt for example says over and over again that he can't do the things they are asking,I understand where he's coming from but they simply cannot and I'm glad they don't!

Lastly don't try and make me out to be some form of idiot with lines like"I'm surprised you haven't learnt how to turn a sink on quietly"
You don't know me and you sure as hell don't know the things I learnt to do on a daily basis in an attempt to ease my symptoms,I replied nicely to you and you return with a post filled with unnecessary accusations and insults and for that reason I'm not replying to you again,if you can't be civil with me then you don't deserve my attention.

I am however glad your H backed off,I wish it would do the same for me and others here.

 

I'm sorry that I acted like a scumbag by accusing you over victimizing yourself (it just looked that way). I was just annoyed because you made universal statements which aren't true (because experiences are subjective). I was annoyed because I knew from my own experience that I suffered much more from severe T than severe H. I hope you see my point of view.

Again original situation was that you stated "H is always worse than T". There was no mention about H+T which you keep talking about now.

And I've been there with T and H. I know what it's like. I don't just bash about it.

And considering that people seem to get more relief to H than to T by using LLLT or taking Keppra imo suggests that H is T's little brother in addition to my own experience (got 1-2 days of H several times after noisy friday nights before I got T). But of course there may be some mechanisms we don't yet understand that my conclusion my may wrong. I always thought that this was common consensus but apparently not. I wonder if there is any research articles about this because I remember some TT-members quoting it.

 

@Zechariah
I appreciate the apology and as such I'll forget about it,we're all adults here so I'm not going to dwell on it but I didn't appreciate those statements.

My original post was indeed that H is worse than T but the reason I bring T+H into it now is that people tend to forget that we have both.I don't speak for us all of course not but the general consensus between H sufferers is that H is worse,just look at some of the H sufferers post,they nearly always mention their H and rarely mention their T and that's purely because H has a bigger impact on our lives,I know for me at least that is most certainly the case.

I wouldn't refer to H as T little brother but more so it's ugly sister,there was talks about H being the pre symptom to T developing but I think this theory has been buried or at least some what forgotten about as it doesn't really stand true,why do people have permanent T and H if it's a pre symptom to T?Neurons barely holding on perhaps?Its possible of course but a Brazilian study showed that people with T had lower tolerances to sound versus someone without T which in a way confirms Charles Libermanns findings and theory that T and H are a result of auditory nerve/synaptic damage.Mark my words this will ultimately turn out to be the case and I believe Charles will be the man to confirm it.

As for H being minor in comparison I don't believe that is the general consensus and if indeed it is I can say with certainty that it's wrong at least in the eyes of those who suffer with it.
Don't buy into everything you read here either,they say that LLLT can treat H but I'm currently doing it and it has done little to nothing for me,some have shown improvements but I don't personally believe LLLT is responsible for that improvement but I could be wrong.

 

I think it's down to what level of each(T and H) you have.
I know that when my T was at it's worst, it was truly horrible, incredibly debillitating and really got me down.
My H was a worse a few months ago, and at it's worst it was also very uncomfortable and unpleasant.
But my H was never worse than 'moderate; except perhaps for a short while at the start, while my T was really bad for a time especially when I got spikes, I never want to go through that again!
Now with my background, on most days, largely inaudible T and my mild to moderate H and some ear blocking/pain at times, I can for the most part get on with life on a relatively normal or close to normal levle.
Am lately using Binaural Beats to see if they can help my H and seeing an osteopath to hopefully help too with any possible Eustachian tube issues which might be contributing to my almost daily ear blocking/low level pain.

 

That's how I was before this became severe in January of this year,basically low inaudible T with moderate H,sharp noises or loud sudden noises would cause me pain but for the most part I could lead a normal life and so I did,but little did I know that normal life I listed after would come back and attack me making me now severe.I feel like I can't win with this beast,just as I was consistently getting better it decided to flip and go the other way without me even noticing it.I always told myself to keep exposing my ears to everyday sounds as that's what I had been doing the last two years whilst always protecting in noisier environments.I think the sudden loud noises out of my control are what got me in the end which is heartbreaking as I had just built up an amazing life I didn't think I would get to live,I was planning on coming back here to write a success story but sadly that was not to be.Be careful Irish that's all I will say.

 

A little clarification - When I said H being milder damage when compared to T - I meant the "physical damage". Subjective suffering is another thing and I fully believe that some people (like you) really consider sever H worse than T.

And good to know that LLLT isn't improving your H. Now i have another anecdotal evidence which suggests that LLLT doesn't help with H.

 

I have severe T and severe H, and H is worse by a huge margin. The T bothered me a lot for the first year and really got me down, but since then it's only been an annoyance at its worst. Who knows, though, maybe someday I'll eat my words.

 

We'll leave it there guys,I don't want a debate over"who has it worse"because at the end of the day they both suck.

 

For me the T is the worst symptom, if I could give up only one it would be the T. I would give any amount of pain and discomfort in my ears to get rid of this screaming in my brain.

The H does make it hard to ignore the T because you cant really just go out and get on with life. Having said this though, I don't really know loud T without H. I had minor T at one point with no H. I damaged myself further, my T worsened, and bam H was there as well. The more hearing damage I did, the worse my T got, so did the H. Basically I can't imagine having one without the other, it all feels like one to me. The more noise I'm around, the more pain and also the higher my T goes. A plane flys overhead when I'm outside, it hurts me, but it also (along with the pain simultaneously) makes my T run at insane levels. They really feel like one to me, hard to imagine one hanging around without the other playing off of each other.

Having said all that though, I definitely understand where Bill is coming from. They are both a absolute nightmare.

 

Its the other way round, almost every with H also has moderate to severe T, its not the case with T. Also there are a no. of people who had only T initially then they went to another music event and they got severe T and H.

Having said that almost every one with T has hidden/mild H, they dont know they have H.

 

Either of us don't have any facts so lets just leave it there. I can't be bothered to start researching and googling to support my arguments. If you are willing to do that to support your own arguments. I'd happily read what you provide

 

I am also going to see an osteopath for my T, and H in a couple of weeks. Will your osteopath be working in the neck area? Very interested in your treatment. At this point I'm not overly optimistic but I have to keep an open and positive mind. If I'm exposed for too long to noise of any type (more than five hours of just being in the everyday world) then suddenly I can't process any type of dialog. It's like my ears have totally shut down to human speech. I try not to put myself in situations where I can't get away, but every once in awhile it happens. Very scary when I can't decipher language any longer. Usually if I get totally away from external noise and only have to deal with my constant T and H it will cool down. I can tell you that it is no picnic having H with severe hearing loss and having to use hearing aids which also amplifies sound. I never wear them at home and when I'm out only if I think I will be in situations where people may talk to me.

 

Hey Matt

I feel you. I had a worsening 15 days ago. Before that, I could handle conversations easily, pain were "only" caused by impacts and loudness but in quiet spaces I was laid back. I was still able to go out and drive without any pain and even without protections in safe areas. Only my right ear was broken, but now since this new incident my left ear is also causing me bad ear pain and even facial nevralgias. Before my earmuffs were just enough to protect me from the outside, now I'm struggling. So I'm with you, you are not alone. All this worsening in 10 months, as I was beginning to feel better. I hope you'll find the bravery to hang in there and mate, you've done it cause know how hard it is.

You say you're not strong enough, but living like this, I swear, is a fight that only strong people can go through. And if you need medication to ease your pain go for it. Praying for you.

 

@April yes he has already done some manipulation of bones in my neck area but also in my pelvic/very lower back area as he believes that a misalignment there can impact on other parts of the body including perhaps the bones relating to the ear.
It's a bit early to say yet as to whether it will help.
My H and ear clicking/discomfort hasn't changed much since I began seeing him, perhaps it's a little better overall.
I will let you know how i am once I've completed my sessions with him in a few weeks time.

 

@Sen
I'm also using meds to survive for now. Lorazepam gets me thru my days barely. Tough to work or function currently. Most doctors GP's even ENT's some of the good ones cannot help many including myself. Recently I'm searching for experts in this field if anyone has information.

I did read the story about Dana White (ufc) having ear surgery and house clinic but it did not help. Apparently went to Dusseldorf Germany for a special procedure injecting some concoction including your own red cells and apparently helped him. The procedure doesn't appear to be available to general public if at all anymore due to garnering attention.

Matt regarding your far off financial future. What's your area like for rents? I mean someday you could possibly setup the home so that you could rent out additional rooms. This would generate some income, maybe enough to survive. There are many out there doing this to survive.

Short term do you have a wheels? Ever thought about driving on your good days for lyft or uber?

 

@peter samperos i do not own a home, nor would i be capable of managing a property. i also do not have a driver's license or a vehicle