Lost Hope

My name is Mathew and I'm 23 years old. I developed tinnitus not too long ago in March of 2017 out of my own stupidity and recklessness. I was already experiencing severe depression due to multiple reasons in my life, so I was very drugged up to this point. I would blast music in my car every day without a care in the world. One day, I was once again doing the same thing, blasting music when suddenly I felt a very sharp pain right above my ear. It lasted for maybe 2 seconds. I thought for sure I blew ruptured or perforated my eardrum. Went to a walk-in clinic immediately, took a look at both ear drums, my nasal passage and found nothing. Everything was normal until I got home and noticed I had a low frequency ringing in both my ears. My right eardrum had become sensitive to loud noises. Something wasn't wrong. Didn't take long for me to go online and realize I was suffering from tinnitus.

Over the course of the next few months, I would end up seeing 3 EDT specialists, taking 3 hearing tests, have cameras inserted into my ears and nose, 2 CT scans and be prescribed a bunch of medication. All to no avail. Told the same thing time and time again: "you're fine," "everything is normal," "tinnitus is incurable." I can't enjoy alcohol anymore. I can't enjoy cannabis anymore. I can't enjoy putting headphones on when I go out for a run. Heck, I can't enjoy excercise in general because all it does is speed up my heart rate, which ends up amplifying my tinnitus. I can't enjoy anything that once brought me relief of my depression. I even had to quit my job recently because the pain had become to unbearable. No one has been able to help me. Doctors, EDTs, psychologists, psychiatrists, family, friends... no one. My life is lost.

My family, friends and now former coworkers don't even understand much about it. They're all able to live in perfect silence while I sit and whither away. I figured I'd post here because you guys are the only ones who would really understand me and what I'm going through. I've had sucidial thoughts for a while now and I'm planning to go through with it this week. I know I might be looked at as a coward, selfish or just a dumb idiot who's taking the easy way out, but I just cannot take it anymore. I really hope they find a cure one day.

Best regards,
Mathew

 

@mathewfromcanada Please don't think like this. You NEED to give yourself time to get your head around it. Don't let this get the better of you! You're only 23 and have your whole life ahead of you!!!! There's gotta be some form of medical advancement in your lifetime!!! Please, hang in there!!! Xxx

 

HI @mathewfromcanada
Many of us know how you feel but please have a talk with your GP and explain how you feel. There is medication that can help you not to feel so low. Please click on the links below and read my articles. Try to read them in full and not skim through them. My tinnitus was caused by loud noise, so I understand how you feel. It does get better and remember you are in the early stages, so likely to make good improvement in time.
All the best
Michael

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-a-personal-view.18668/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hyperacusis-as-i-see-it.19174/
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/tinnitus-questions-answers.22937/

 

Welcome to the forum, Mathew. There is no need to end it all for tinnitus, especially your T is so new. But I have true empathy in your suffering. Don't panic nor despair. Most new sufferers of intrusive T have similar dark thoughts like you. In fact when my ultra high pitch dog whistle T hit me hard initially, and when severe hyperacusis also joined in the misery causing relentless anxiety and panic attacks plus depression and sleeplessness, I have the same dark thought crossing my mind constantly during the day. The tired and stressed out mind simply saw no way out of the misery and so the big 'S' word is dangled in front of me constantly, so much so that I really had to find out what would happen to people after suicide. I searched youtube with 'near death experience from suicide' and found many videos of people who came back from near-death experience with horror stories about the 'other side', all saying that suicide is definitely not the solution they thought it is.

True or not, I wouldn't want to take the risk of a 'one-way' ticket to find out the horror story myself. So I decided to stay put and fight this T bully while I am alive, heaven or hell. I searched out success stories of people who have the same or even worse condition as I have and slowly I realize that T is not an end game. It is a temporary suffering for most people. With that I decided to copy success by learning & applying whatever strategies or mental approach they are using. The rest is history. Today I live a normal, productive, fulfilling and absolutely enjoyable life. I wrote my success story like others did and share some helpful strategies. If you wish to know about my strategies, for brevity I provide the link to my story below. I encourage you to read up other success stories to soak yourself with hope. Don't panic and despair. T is not an end game. Good life can be back. Give it time and give yourself a chance. Suicide is not a solution.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

Tinnitus is quite common, Tens of millions have this condition. Even famous household names have them. Google celebrities with tinnitus and the list is long. Here are two gentlemen you may recognize (in 1996), David Letterman and William Shatner (Star Trek Captain Kirk). Shatner said he was suicidal at one point but he has recovered. Letterman with his 2-tone T was still cracking jokes until retiring a few years ago and Shatner still acting. There is no need to end it all. Millions have T and may suffer initially but learn to move on with life. You can too. Take good care. God bless.

David Letterman with William Shatner - March,...

 

Hi there,

I totally get your frustration. Something new is happening to you and you are not prepared for it. ALL of us were and are the same. I got hit with tinnitus in my younger years and was in shock too. I tried to get answers and no answers were given. I went to DRs and they laughed at me and said that it was all in my head.

It is painful and annoying at the same time. First of all, if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, seek immediate help. Tinnitus is annoying, but life can and will go on. Don't lose hope, in time you CAN adapt and adjust, it does take some time and lots of patience.

We are here for you

 

It's not the end by any means @mathewfromcanada ... really!!

I'm pretty sure that each one of us in those early stages went through similar depressive thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing now.

@Vicki14 is so right when she says that you still have your whole life ahead of you, and I too am banking on there being some form of medical advancement in the treatment or cure for T sometime soon.

Do stay in contact with this forum because there are so many caring people on board with so much to offer that can be of great help to you, as they were for me. If you don't mind, I would like to include you on my prayer list ... and I hope very much that you will soon feel that there is still life in all its fullness on the other side of those devastatingly early days of finding that you have T ... truly there is!

Thoughts and prayers go with you ....... Paul

 

@mathewfromcanada Where you located in Canada?

 

oh @mathewfromcanada noooooooo.... please don't even think about suicide, let alone seriously considering it. You are such a young fella, only 23 years old. You only recently got tinnitus so do yourself a favor and read all the suggestions in this forum, listen to the wise counsel of those who have experience with tinnitus and who can show you the way toward improvement by offering coping skills and tinnitus management which I believe would help you and reduce your stress. Your tinnitus might not even be permanent at this point... give it time.. be patient... be kind to yourself and most of all... please don't blame yourself! Self-recrimination is useless and serves no purpose whatsoever. Who in this world can say they have never done something which ultimately caused them some sort of discomfort or regret? No one. But we all need to forgive ourselves. Just be kind to yourself. Spend some time reading the success stories here as well as the positivity thread, both of which will serve to impart hope and uplift you.

Also.. I recommend you read the threads suggested by @Michael Leigh and @billie48 (posted above) who have had personal experience with tinnitus for a long time. Even though they have tinnitus, they are leading fulfilling lives and managing their tinnitus. They are both wise and knowledgeable and you will benefit after having read what they recommend.

Suicide is forever, it is irreversible --- you are too young to think about this. There is much hope that you can transcend your tinnitus by coping mechanisms if it should persist but you really don't know what the state of it is yet. Also, please keep in mind what your parents would go through if you ever do this; if you love them.. consider them. The unending grief your parents would suffer by your demise would be intolerable, I'm sure. Always stop and think and never act impulsively since so many things in life are transitory and can change for the better. There has been many a time when situations seem so bleak and hopeless but within even in a short period of time, everything (your situation) (your attitude) can be altered and greatly improved and you will see an array of possibilities which you didn't think existed before. Mathew, please -- always try to keep the important element of hope within you.

When someone is most down, they need to communicate with those who truly understand and you have come to the perfect place so keep posting and let us know how you are feeling. You have friends here.

Sending my best wishes,

Barbara

 

@mathewfromcanada Please, I am begging you, do not think about suicide. I have had tinnitus for my entire life (51 years) and completely understand the hopelessness you are feeling (I have been down the suicide path before, fortunately I was not successful). Tinnitus is hard, you feel that you have lost your life, you cannot take pleasure in the things that you used to enjoy, no one close to you seems to understand just how debilitating the unrelenting, never ending, ringing in your ears can be, or the frustration of not having the problem diagnosed or acknowledged buy medical professionals.

I, and many here, also understand the depression; some have it before tinnitus, and for others it is caused by tinnitus. I know it may not seem like it at this time, but please take it from me, and the many others here who have had similar feelings, there is hope and it will get better and easier to deal with.

I won't lie to you and tell you it will be easy, but then again nothing worth while ever is. It is unfair that this happened to you. It seems that the universe is cruel to cause you this amount of suffering, but you are strong and can get through this. "But you don't know me, you don't know how strong I am" you may be thinking; and you are correct, I do not know you, but many of us have been in your position. You came here, and you reached out to similar people, people who can understand how you are feeling. You had the strength to tell us how you are feeling and what you are considering doing. That, in itself, takes a certain amount of strength. Admitting that level of despair and hopelessness is not easy, but you did it, you took that first step, keep moving forward. This site is filled with caring, sympathetic people who understand what you are going through.

You are not alone.​

There is hope. Please do not give up. You can get through this.

Please re-read @Bobbie7 's post. Read the articles she recommends. Find a close friend and talk to them, let them know how you are feeling and what you are considering. These things will help.

I tend to get very wordy, and I apologize for that, but you are young and, even if you do not feel it to be true now, you have a lot of great things ahead of you; your ability to see them is being clouded by the depression and tinnitus. Explore this site, you will find many, many people have been in positions extremely similar to yours. They made it through and are glad that they stuck it out. Hang in there, and keep reaching out to us, your friends, family, everyone you can think of. Don't give up, you will make it through this dark patch.