Ready to Go

I've loved my life. And now it’s nothing. I’m nothing. I’m just here and the world is going on around me. The meds which I said I would never touch again has made my tinnitus & hyperacusis completely unbearable to live or sleep with.

My relationship with my Dad is pretty much over. I want him to have what’s left of his life back and not the hell that our love lives have fallen into. He looks at me like he hates me and I can’t stand it. No matter where I go or try to run to this thing is with me and now far worse.

I’ve been looking at pictures of my Mom and when she died I think I was meant to go with her. We were never meant to be separated. This is why these things have happened.

And now I’m ready to go back to her if God lets me. I cannot live like this anymore. I wanna thank everyone here who’s ever tried to help me. I hope you can keep fighting and get there.

Love Niki x

 

@Nicola8478
Niki, please please don’t do anything to yourself. Things can get better.
@billie48 had severe tinnitus and hyperacusis. His hyperacusis improved and he lives a full life with severe tinnitus.
I’m sure your dad doesn’t hate you. Why do you think that he does?
Tinnitus can settle over time, I know mine did. It’s hard going at first and I was suicidal too but I’m so glad I’m still here and pushed through those hard times.
Things are still up and down but I’m adjusting. It takes time and strength.
So many of us have been where you are. Things can improve and there is a very good chance that your hyperacusis at least will
improve.
Please don’t do anything Niki, things WILL get better for you.
Life is precious and so are you.
Sam xo

 

Thank you @Samantha R. But since I started back on the meds things have gone horribly wrong. All doctors tell me different things and one said just stop cus you haven’t been on them long. Then one says something else. It’s so bad and so reactive. Even more so now. I go out in the car it brutalises me when I get home. Its my fault my dad hates me because I’m in this way he keeps telling me just deal with it be strong. But I know I’ve messed up again with the meds and I can’t deal with this anymore. There’s nothing left of me or my old life and what’s happening now has just seemed to confirm it. I just want to make it stop one way or another. I won’t live like it anymore and I feel terrible for just saying it but it’s the sad truth

 

Please reach out to an emergency support group, Niki. You can come back from this and fix the relationship with your dad as well. Tinnitus really does get better with time, but if waiting for that to happen is causing you intense misery than you must tell someone. Speak out and people WILL help you. It’s surprising how our thoughts and emotions can lift once we feel the true, sincere, love and empathy, of others.

Surround yourself with friends and family and talk this out. Tell them what’s at stake. In the meantime, go to a hospital, or ring an emergency helpline. Please don’t do anything that can’t be undone.

 

Do you honestly feel that you had tried everything and exhausted all of your available options?

Your profile says you only had this since march...nobody is taking away your right to kill yourself, but you can always do that at any time you chose.

Make sure you really go through your check list first.

Don't worry about your relationship with your dad..it's not your fault that he doesn't understand what you are going through..relationships are your secondary issue right now.

 

Wouldn't it be a lot asier to just stop the meds?! Please try that first. What you are about to do cannot be undone. Plus researchers are very close to finding a cure for tinnitus! Check out the research threads.

 

@Nicola8478 ,
Please don't end your life,
we are here for you around the clock.
I know what your going through I truly do and a couple of years ago I felt the same .
If you have missfiring signals with head tinnitus I was put on a low dose Nortriptyline and It stopped it ,so you still can find a medication to help.
Cinnarazine 15mg for Menieres can help reduce tinnitus also.
Try get your dad come on here with you as he will understand better how tinnitus affects people.
Please reach out to us and your energy care providers because you still have options to try.
We hear you and are here for you.
love glynis xxx

 

@Nicola8478 ,
As the weekend is nearly here could you go to emergency care or be admitted into hospital for a while with round the clock care as they can help you in a time of crisis and support you.
Don't suffer alone and make the step to get the help you need and they can change meds under medical supervision to keep you safe .
love glynis x

 

@Nicola8478
Niki, you were only on the meds for a short amount of time, and I must say that I stopped an AD Fluvoxamine after about 3 weeks cold turkey.
You need to give it time for the brain to settle and things might improve.
Your tinnitus is very new, and honestly, it can be very unpredictable in the early days. The tinnitus I had at the start is nowhere close to what I have now.
Hyperacusis CAN improve, and does in a lot of instances. Again, this can take some time but there is a good chance you'll see some improvement.
I landed myself in (self admitted) to a psych hospital. My husband was disgusted in how I wasn't coping, he did not and would not support me, he had no empathy whatsoever towards my suffering. I had one month old twins and a 20 month old toddler and I was a mess, a suicidal mess. How was I going to look after these children and live my life with this incessant noise in my head? I was waking up in the night with raging spikes, not being able to get back to sleep and having to pop a benzo just to get some rest. I had no sustainable way of keeping myself going.
Well, after getting help in the hospital (with the twins as well), and getting my sleep under control, I was doing OK, and now things are better nearly two years down the track.
The key thing though is time, and at only 3 months in, I think you need to give it a little more time to see what happens.
Thinking of you, we understand your pain but also know that things do get better.
Sam. x

 

Thank you all for your concern I do appreciate it. I just feel like I had warnings these weren’t good and so carried on. Tinnitus has turned so high pitched it’s actually hurting and the worse the hyperacusis gets the louder and more painful it gets. I honestly do not think I can live with it it’s so unbearable. Thank you so much for your kind words xxxx

 

Seeking help when needed is a must. Please do go to a facility that, can help you in your tough times. If a medication is bothering you, possibly switch to a new one or slowly taper off the med. Ending ourselves is not the answer, you can always make a change in your life, to possibly make it better.

You mention, that your family is a huge burden right now, possibly get away from that scene. Life is very difficult, NO ONE has it easy. All of us suffer in some ways, getting help is vital for all. I talk to a counselor about my grief over the loss of my parents and some other issues. I suggest that you seek help and make changes in your life to make it better.

we can always make our lives better, it just takes discipline and a game plan and FOLLOWING it 100%.

Be well...

 

Went to my Doctor and he still suggested trying the Citalopram other than that wasn’t much help. I’m still stuck like this again Dad not really listening. I just don’t know what to do

 

@Nicola8478: I’ve had tinnitus since January 2014. The first two years were, to put it mildly tough. The thought crossed my mind for a fleeting second, but I quickly dismissed it. I have to many deterrents to do something that drastic; my wife, my two sons, and my extended family. Do I want to leave them with this memory? You must have somebody besides your father that loves you, and would be saddened if you left them. At this time you are all consumed with your condition, which is to be expected. Try to turn that attention toward the people and friends that you would leave behind, and how it would affect them. And I believe you are over medicated. In previous posts, you have stated that you were on mirtazapine. I don’t know how many mg you take, but I’m sure it is the highest dosage. Let me know, since I’m well versed on the subject.

 

@Anselmo It was 15mg then 30mg then back to 15. T seems to have gone haywire though. Just tiny drills, high pitched. 24 7 and I can’t physically bare it. Doctor just gave me 10mg of Citalopram to try for 7 days. Not entirely sure though I can bare this for 7 days. I take on board what you say. I do but the thought of living with this doesn’t really seem like an option

 

@Nicola8478: I take mirtazapine, but only 7.5 mg. Less is more with this medication. It is counter intuitive. 15 or 30mg, are not good for sleep. Since you aren’t sleeping, this would be my advice to you. Citalopram isn’t good for sleep, so throw that in the garbage. My advice to you is start on the 7.5 mg. Crack that 15 in half. Get a pill splitter, or ask the pharmacist to break them in half. For me it reduced my tinnitus from severe to moderate. That isn’t the case with everyone, but you will sleep. You will have some wild dreams, but they can be fun. It would be advantageous for if you could go a few days and dry out from the other meds you are taking. But you could start taking the 7.5 right away, be patient, and it should start working soon enough. And see a shrink, doctors are clueless. Also, put on your best face when you see shrink.

 

@Nicola8478,
The tiny pill was all it took for my head tinnitus to go.
This one could help you.
Do you have family support around you as well as your dad ?
love glynis

 

Dont give up! There can be better days

 

This is a state of emergency. Your relationship with whomever is secondary now. You need to put yourself first. I don't know much about your life situation but yeah, psychiatric drugs. You need to go to a proper (uni if possible) hospital.

After that, you could also go here: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/ and make a signature of all the drugs you were, and currently are, taking. They can provide you with solid advice there too.

 

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I don’t Glynis but I’m alone a lot so I get into deep depression. Especially the way things are at the moment. So unbearable. I can only hope it changes or I just don’t know. Wish to god I’d have tried to cope without meds and not got into this hellish mess. Things were bad enough @Anselmo is it wise to carry on at with it as it seems to have effected my T & H so badly. I’ve not taken any for 2 or 3 days either through fear xxxxxxx

 

@Nicola8478 : Perfect time to try the 7.5, since you’re dried out.

 

Hi @Nicola8478 ,
I spend a lot of time by myself and I know how that can feel when your health adds to it also.
If you don't feel like you can take the meds then I would see your doctor on Monday and let us support you until then and post every hour or few hours and someone will be around im sure.
I only took Citalopram a few days and had to stop it after the advice I was given on the phone by a out of hours doctor as it made me jittery but could work great for you.
Go by how you feel and either way we will keep checking in on you as we all care on here about eachother...
love glynis x

 

@Anselmo even though I took a Citalopram earlier? Sorry for all the questions

 

Thank you very much @glynis i appreciate that xxxxxxx

 

@Nicola8478:I would take the 7.5 tonight, and keep taking it every night. And end it there. Don’t take anything else. There is a chance it won’t work tonight, but keep taking it. The 7.5 isn’t harsh like the higher doses. And caring for yourself and loved ones is all intertwined.

 

Hi Niki,

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. I tried Citalopram a few years ago, and since I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to most meds, I started out with just 1/4 tablet. It kind of jolted me like a couple cups of coffee. When I took the same amount the next day, it jolted me like about 6 cups of coffee.

I realized then that this was NOT the drug for me. I've learned (the hard way) that if your body starts telling you right away a certain med isn't good for you, it's probably wise to listen to it.

Also, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I wrote a fairly lengthy post on another forum a couple years ago touching on suicide. Here's a link if you'd be interested in checking it out. -- Thoughts on Suicide — A Dream Experience

All the Best to you Niki!​

 

@Nicola8478

Stay in the fight. Don't act hastily. Please keep posting.

 

Time to stop and take a deep breath...I'm sure you are not thinking clearly, med can mess with your brain I m sure its not completely you talking but the medication, stop it see what happen

 

Don't do it, @Nicola8478
Don't let a temporary situation rob you of the rest of your life.
H will most likely be gone in a year or two. Mine faded in a year. At one point, my H was so bad I was home bound and even the soft voice of my wife hurt when spoken close to me.
Your sufferings, though hard and tough for the time being, are very normal for those of us who have gone through intrusive T & H. If you don't believe me, just read the success stories, especially for those who have intrusive T & H combined.

I could hear my ultra high pitched T even above the jet noise, and above the raging rapids in the wild salmon rivers I fished. My H turned all sounds piercingly hurtful as if the ears got drilled by every normal sound. I was in a mess and suicidal like you. But after reading and watching videos of people coming back from near-death experience from suicide on Youtube, and realizing others have survived these conditions of severe T & H after some time, I decided to stay put and fight with everything I got while alive.

Don't worry about H. H tends to fade over time, mine gone in a year. Some got relief from severe H by taking some drugs. A notable member @Danny Boy was known to be benefited by taking some of that and been helped. So H is not a dead-end problem if you are talking about ending it all. Dr Charlie White was posting here a while ago and he coped with his H well while being a doctor, an ENT doctor actually. Search for his name on TT and you will see his posts.

You have been given excellent advice. Like others said, you are still new with T & H. Why rush anything? Why not hang in there and try to enjoy life whatever way you can. I tried to fight back with travelling and going back to do what I like to do regardless of T & H. It was hard at first, of course. But it gets better with time. And time is on our side even when improvement is slow.

If you are talking about saving your life, waiting for a year or two and trying to live life to the fullness regardless of T & H is worth considering and proceeding. Why worry about what T & H will do if one is going to die in a year or two. Enjoy life to the fullness, the heck with T & H. That was what I did. I dare T & H and went out to enjoy all the things I did before. I wore earplugs where I could and used masking vigorously when I could.

I don't know if you have read my success story, but I am now living a normal and happy life even though it was hell at the beginning.I am not alone. Many members achieved the same AFTER SOME TIME. People can be suicidal at first and then recover to the point that they are enjoying life to the fullness. Here is Aaron who posted a few years back that he was suicidal after developing severe T, and LOSING his love of life, her fiancee, in the process (she dumped him while he suffers). Yet look at these pictures Arron shared with the forum. What T? I just got back from 2 weeks of vacation and will be going again soon. The heck with T & H. Couldn't do that before when I was in a hole like you now. But glad that I didn't do the unthinkable. Why should you? So hang in there and give it a year or two. God bless.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...are-with-you-some-pictures-i-took-after.3268/

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

@Nicola8478 I am sorry about the loss of your mother. You were so close. But you know her spirit lives on within you and she would want to see her son live a happy long life and carry on her life within you. She would want you to be everything you want. You are never separated spiritually.

Sorry about your father also. I am sure he is also suffering the loss. It is easy when a person is suffering from grief to take anger out on those close to him. It is one of the many stages of grief.

 

@Nicola8478 ,
I'm off to bed now so take care and catch up with you tomorrow...
love glynis