I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore: I'm Now in a Psychiatric Hospital and Tinnitus Is Crushing Me

Hey, thank you for your reply, you’re so very kind. I’m so glad you’re doing better now, I still find it alarming how tinnitus can devastate a person and how close it pushes people to the edge. I’m glad you had the courage and strength to see it through. Have you found any positives from having tinnitus? I personally am grateful for the way it’s changed me in some ways, I worry less about the little things, I’m more open with people and the smallest joys become so much bigger xxx

 

Hey, nice to hear from you. How are you doing now? I know that feeling of struggling through a train of thought. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been blown in to a million pieces and at any given moment, I can’t put all the pieces together. My thoughts are all jumbled, my emotions don’t match the situation and the noise just won’t stop. It’s quite a trip isn’t it.

Have you found anything that helps? I’m sorry you’re struggling so much and I totally get it, it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through but if I could promise you one thing it’s that one day, you won’t care anywhere near as much and you’ll find a sense of peace. Even if it’s noisy.

I know I don’t know you but I have no doubt that your place in the world is necessary and valued by so many people. You can get through this, you can be yourself and achieve incredible things and you’ll do it all despite that really annoying kid that plays a kazoo in your head. You’re bigger than the noise xxx

 

Vicky3116,

Your post is really inspiring. I've been having a terrible spike lately and I can totally relate to your first post.

For what I understand, two important things have occurred in your life: 1) your tinnitus has somewhat lowered in volume/have more manageable days and 2) there's been some habituation.

I can't believe how similar we are as humans when it comes to feelings. I've said so many times the thing of cutting my leg off to have permanent silence.

In any case, I hope I can go back to having a reasonable functional life.

Congratulations for getting out of that dark place that many of us have experienced.

 

Well put.

We share pretty much the same experience, especially when it comes to the smallest joys become so much bigger. Not taking life and getting up in the morning for granted. That puts everything into a bigger perspective, and fills me with gratitude over many things - even with uncontrollable buzzing and reactive auditory system...

There is no point in thinking "what if...", "why me..." - even though some days are hard not have these thoughts - but rather work towards thinking what is, here and now, and how to makes the best out of it. One day you might find both strengths and gratitude over something that was your worst enemy for years.

Reminds me yet again of one of my favourite quotes by Maya Angelou:

The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas.

The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising.

Stormy or sunny days,
glorious or lonely nights,
I maintain an attitude of gratitude.

If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow.

Today I am blessed.

 

I read Paul Kalanithi's When Breath Becomes Air a few years. It's a good book but very sad.

 

Hey! Well today and recent days have still been super hard. Did take my son to the park/pool, which helps take my mind off things. Outside and nature used to mask the ringing pretty good, but since it’s been changing ears and noises I can hear it a bit outside... Just trying to keep busy and as positive as possible. I can’t wait to get to the stage where it doesn’t bother me so much. I know I’ll get there. I see so many positive stories of habituation and success and that really helps.

I’ll look back in the thread to find the answers, but how many months in did you start to get better/habituate? I know everyone is different, but your tinnitus sounds so similar to mine so I’m going to be hopeful with you scenario and piggy back off that haha. Hope you’re doing well today. Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate it. ❤️

 

Hello Vicki! Thank you soo much for your story! I am alone in the battle and it's getting the better of me. Coming here and seeing other people who are getting through it means a lot! Thank you again for sharing your struggles and how devastating this is. Thank you for being there and letting me know we can get through it. I hope you are well.

 

It will take time but you’ll get there. You’ll be surprised how your brain can block out some madness lol.

 

@Vicki3116, it's interesting how discomfort or suffering can make us change. Viktor Frankl wrote that when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

 

Hey everyone, I hope you’re doing alright. I thought I’d give a quick update on the situation...

Last weekend I woke up and couldn’t hear out my left ear but I had SCREAMING tinnitus. I ignored it for a little while because when you’re used to putting up with stupid hearing problems you can sometimes be inclined to tolerate things that are abnormal as your normal is abnormal anyway.

Anyway, I went to work. I told one of the surgeons I can’t hear. He was like ‘why are you here, you need to go to A&E’ so I did. They told me to ignore it and focus on my job. I went back to previously mentioned surgeon, he told me to go to a different A&E because this isn’t a joke. I went to a different A&E, they were great, gave me high dose steroids and saw me in the clinic a few days later. My hearing in my left ear seems to be returning, it’s lower than the right side but better than it was. The worst bit is the intense ear pressure and massively increased tinnitus. That used to be my good side. Bummer.

I am absolutely gutted. Have had approximately 328,000 meltdowns in work this week. Not the panicky kind when all this started, more of the feeling of being back to the start and knowing how much frustration I’m going to go through again. It’s like you know you can do it, you’re just tired of having to. This is all so exhausting, and sometimes it hits you that your life is so much harder than it was, or how you’d like it to be but you have no choice but to tolerate whatever the hell your ears and brain are going to do next.

I’m not scared, I don’t feel defeated, it’s just sad to feel like you’re back at square one. Really wish it’d just fuck off now because it’s so painfully boring to live the same moments/fears/sadnesses over and over again.

Hope you’re all doing ok, let me know how you are xxx

 

That "square one feeling" is awful. I know all about it... BUT, I am sure you're not back to square one.

This is a bump in the road, and hopefully you'll feel better within a couple of weeks.

Stay strong @Vicki3116.

 

You have been amazingly strong through all of this and you can do it again

Hopefully the ear pressure and tinnitus will return to a more comfortable level for you once more @Vicki3116

 

Haha yeah - classic pitfall.

A while back my tinnitus was sounding a lot less intrusive (after a flight, so I guess something with pressure "fixed" it). I was even about to go onto the "Success Stories" section of this forum and post something.

But then , after a long car ride it came back again, as loud as ever.

Maybe it's a mistake to think we're cured sometimes, because we'll just fall again, when it comes back, and come back it will.

 

Oh no, this was never about being cured. It’s more that it was at a level where it didn’t bother me so much and it didn’t consume my life. I accepted it. That took two years. And now it’s appreciably worse.

I know that people say it’s about perception but times like this you realise that’s not always the case because I am not simply perceiving this as worse. It is worse. And that’s hard to take.

I’m sure it’ll calm down eventually. I am so done with this shit. I don’t want to be bothered with it anymore because really, it’s a phantom noise, there’s no threat in it and I’m missing so much of my life because of these god-forsaken symptoms that in the end, are neither here nor there. So fed up.

 

@Vicki3116, I am sorry to hear of this misfortune - but it seems like the differing tinnitus is due to your sudden loss of hearing. If, as you continue to take the steroids, your hearing returns to its previous levels, it seems perfectly possible that your tinnitus can also return to its previous level.

Keep strong, as you have been admirably doing until now. You may be tested, but you have the skills and the mental fortitude to come through this.

My thoughts are with you along with my best wishes.

 

Yes I have been in the process of writing - hey really quiet for the last 3 days! And as I write, it starts to spike. So I keep these quieter times to myself.

 

Sorry you have to go through this all over again. I know the feeling as I’m on my 3rd or 4th worsening. Here is to hoping you get over this hump really soon.

 

Sorry to hear about your latest episode of sudden hearing loss. I hope you will overcome this latest curve ball on life. You have been an inspiration to many new sufferers and your attitude of acceptance will hopefully get you through this latest challenge. Luckily your left ear's hearing has been restored after steroid treatment. I wasn't that lucky.

I had gone through the same challenge of SSHL about 2 years ago. My left ear suddenly lost hearing overnight. It also brought severe vertigo so much so that I had to go to emergency in an ambulance. It also brought nasty symptoms such as a new rumbling loud jet-engine like tinnitus to my left ear besides the original ultra high pitched tinnitus on the right ear. So now i have both a tenor and a bass duet in my head 7/24. Severe hyperacusis came back too like the first time over 10 years ago when the high pitch tinnitus first hit me. It is a nightmare to have both tinnitus and hyperacusis because they don't like each other. When I wear earplugs for the hyperacusis, then the tinnitus becomes so dominant when outside sounds are blocked. But if I don't wear earplugs, even normal ambient sounds like social conversion, driving, TV etc are too piercingly loud and hurtful. Besides these symptoms, another nasty one is the feeling of pressured or plugged ears almost 7/24. This also causes brain fog and balance issue. So I understand what you are experiencing, Vicki.

However challenging at first, as you have demonstrated from your posts, given time and following some helpful strategies, we can still beat these hurdles in life and move on with life. After almost 2 years of SSHL, even though my left ear is still deaf and plugged and with tinnitus still rumbling, I live my life as normal as I humanly can, growing garden, fishing, dancing, singing and jogging. Just flew back from vacation and will be cruising to Southern Caribbean in November. The heck with tinnitus and hearing loss. I am going to stick to the motto of "Finding Joy Amidst the Pain". I wrote another success story on my SSHL journey. If you have the time, please check it out. It is not easy at first but time and some good strategies will help heal our body and mind so that we can move on with life. All the best to you. God bless.

 

Billie you are a true hero. What amazes me about you is your ability to separate an uncontrollable physical ailment from your core being as a person. The recognition that what happens to us happens, but there is still a life to live and it’s up to us to find as much joy as we can, whatever state we are in.

It can be extremely disappointing to learn that no one is coming to save us from these things, but your attitude and perseverance have allowed you to save yourself. It might not be what we wished or hoped for, but it’s what we have and we are making the best of it.

You are the inspiration around here. Your head might be noisy, but your heart is pure gold xxx

 

@Vicki3116, I'm sorry to hear about your latest setback. There is no quick fix I can suggest, but in my experience developing a sense of prayer/meditation/slowing down and becoming more calm and letting go, can, and often does produce positive results. Tinnitus is such an enigmatic condition that sometimes a seemingly nebulous practice such as I suggest can help. Tinnitus can sometime be a call from the psyche to become more attuned to our deeper needs of self-care and nurturing. Take care.

Peter

 

Thank you Vicki for the kind words. I am humbled by the compliments of my ability. But it is more an acquired ability to deal with challenges than being naturally a stoic person. As stated in my success story, I was victimized for decades by anxiety and panic disorder plus later PTSD after witnessing the tragic accident of my son. I was weak mentally to deal with any sudden challenges. So I was in a mental nightmare daily during the initial period of my first tinnitus attack. I was floored by relentless anxiety and panic attacks as my nerves were too weak to handle this alien ringing sensation 7/24, and hyperacusis made it worse.

So I was no super human. I suffered badly like many new members do. It was through getting support from forum members and learning to practice their helpful strategies and by developing some of my own that I finally turned the tide of suffering. I am forever grateful to the heroes and heroines here. Thanks to them I have learned some skills to cope with my anxiety and panic disorder so these rarely happen nowadays, thereby making it much easier to handle the latest SSHL episode. I mentioned these helpful strategies in my success story details. I tried my best to practice these strategies during the onset of the SSHL episode 2 years ago and it has helped so much to reduce the mental sufferings.

 

Hi guys, thought I’d check in and see how everyone is? I really hope you’re all doing ok and managing to find some peace.

As usual, it’s been wild. The last couple of weeks have tested me beyond anything I’ve ever known, waking up in a panic, literally shaking, I didn’t eat for 5 days, couldn’t sleep, all the usual issues when tinnitus becomes distressing. I’ve heard things I’ve never had before, like 3 am one morning I suddenly had the loudest hissing all over my head and in the last hour I seem to have developed a new piercing ringing noise.

But the reason the last couple of weeks have been so tough is that my Dad died suddenly, and it’s been devastating. I’m going to miss him very much, and it’s going to take a long time to process.

There was a turning point within myself though. I went to see my Dad in the chapel of rest and whilst I was with him, the tinnitus appeared (of course) and the usual train of thoughts started up and this realisation hit me... this is the last chance I have to say goodbye to my Dad and my mind is on tinnitus. I can’t think of anything more absurd. I’ve never been more acutely aware that I’m missing out on my life that is playing out in front of my eyes.

Bring the ringing, the hissing, the piercing squeal, the explosions when I go to sleep. I don’t care anymore because the real events in life are going to occur when I least expect them, and I want to be there for them.

And since then, I’ve experienced silence numerous times. Brains are weird aren’t they.

 

My condolences for your recent loss.

What you are saying is that you experienced horrible spikes because you were emotionally in distress after losing your father, then a change of mindset brought you back in a habituated state?

 

Hey, I guess that’s what it comes down to, yes, despite the enormous variations and fluctuations in the noises. I had to consciously choose to not be afraid because I was going downhill pretty fast.

 

@Vicki3116 - so sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing, but you have proven your incredible strength and it will aid you once more. It is unsurprising that you have experienced these different sensations at this time. The fact that you have heard silence, however, is amazing, and testament to that positivity with which you confront your adversity.

I really think you can do this.

Best wishes.

 

Condolences. Your power is in your own message. I've been fighting the demon for over 30 years. Yes it is loud bothersome but the cycles stay the same, loud, deal with it, accept it. Each cycle may last 12-18 months. Pray for better treatments or cure. Feel my hugs.

 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Life really does throw us some curve balls, doesn’t it.

It’s been an interesting time for sure. It appears there’s a lot of similarities between grief and suffering from tinnitus... the shock, the fear, the rumination, the uncertainty about the future, the knowledge that life just isn’t going to be the same from here on in, the feeling of being unable to cope, the desire to go back to a time when life was ‘good’ because now it is ‘bad’, the isolating feeling that everyone else is happy whilst your whole world has been turned upside down.

I think Ken is right, acceptance is the key. If you put down your weapons, silence will come. Whether that’s true silence or perceived silence, well it doesn’t really matter as they both feel the same, and the way you feel about life is greater than what life sounds like. Choose to believe the best about yourself and your capabilities because you are not solely the difficulties that life throws at you. You’re the laugh that you inspire in someone else, you’re the parent that provides for and loves their child, you’re the employee that makes a real difference at work, you’re the partner that someone finds comfort in, you’re every single talent you have, you’re the empathy that you show to others because you know how difficult life can be, and you are valued by so many people. Trust in that. You do some great stuff in the world, just by being here.

 

Dear Vicki, my condolences on the death of your Dad.

Thank you for your wise and powerful post.

As you say, at the end of the day we have no real control over the important things in life. I suppose it is all about learning to 'let go'. Death itself is the final and ultimate letting go for all concerned. We have to learn to live with the absurdity of life. Try to be gentle with yourself.

I was recently rereading a favourite chapter in Jane Eyre. The author writes:

"Feeling without judgment is a washy draught indeed; but judgment untempered by feeling is too bitter and husky a morsel for human deglutition."

Balancing reason and emotion is always a delicate act. It is a book you might enjoy.

Interestingly, Charlotte Brontë experienced a lot of tragedy in her life. Her youngest siblings all died before she did.

We all have to do our best to begin again...

 

Just read about your sudden loss of your father. My deep condolences. What a shock and deep grief it is to lose a loved one suddenly. I had a taste of that when I lost my young son suddenly in a freak accident. So I have empathy for what you are going through @Vicki3116. May your father rest in peace in the other realm. Take good care Vicki. God bless.

 

@Vicki3116, how are you? You are in our thoughts.