I'm Sorry, Everyone. I'm Not Weak and This Isn't Suicide, There Was No Other Way to Hear Silence.

I'll keep this short.

I've had tinnitus for 6 months. And hyperacusis. My tinnitus is very severe, I can hear it over everything. It's the loudest thing ever. There's no escape, and it just keeps getting worse. No matter what I do. I loved life, I had the most caring and loving girlfriend, everything was fine, I was happy, really loved life a lot. Peace and quiet, movies, reading books, taking naps, nature. Etc.

This motherfucker has taken everything away from me. My girlfriend tries her best to support me. I keep trying to enjoy life. But I can't enjoy reading anymore. Taking naps. Exercising. Going for a walk. How could I enjoy it when all I hear is this terrible monster roaring in my head??

Tinnitus is the worst nightmare, living hell! I'm not religious but this is literally Hell's soundtrack with Satan and all his *** little demons playing it, invading our heads, tormenting us! Making perfectly healthy, strong minded individuals just empty shells, emotional wrecks... Everything was fine before this son of a *** ruined my life, my health, my peace and quiet!

I'd rip off my ears if that meant I would no longer hear tinnitus! But no, this disease worse than cancer has invaded my brain, my whole auditory system, no escape!! Damn this all! Severing the auditory nerve, cutting off my ears, being deaf wouldn't make a difference, it would only get WORSE!

This is not life anymore! This is some f** up Satan's game, and there's no way out... The only way out of this nightmare is ending it all. It's the only cure. I can't wait for treatments that won't even fix this...

Maybe in next life, I'll hear silence again!

Stay strong, everyone! I hope you guys can fight this monster, don't give up. This was too much for me, there are so many people, including me, who lose their lives because of tinnitus... No one warns about this hell, until it's too late. I can't remember a single warning about noise causing permanent, severe tinnitus. We are told about hearing loss etc. And "loud noise can damage your hearing".. what about "prolonged noise exposure, or ototoxic meds, or neck injury, for example, can cause permanent severe ringing in ears!!!"???!! I see so many teens abusing their ears, listening to music way too loud, but most people don't even know what tinnitus is!!!

 

I know you said this but I hope it's okay if I ask, are you aware of Neuromod? It's an Irish company, is releasing a new device for tinnitus in certain European countries next year, not sure when it's coming to the US but they are pursuing FDA approval. You can check the thread out here, Steve recently did an interview with them. It's not a cure, though it has cured tinnitus in some patients, they made clear that it doesn't help everyone but it could be the first medical treatment for tinnitus.

I've read other stories by people saying their tinnitus and hyperacusis got better within the first two years, sometimes it faded over time, sometimes it improved suddenly. I completely understand how you feel... But I would beg you to try to hold on for another year, just to see if it improves on its own.

 

This is possibly not true.

 

I'm sorry @Jemina. I hope you'll hang on a little longer.

 

@Jemina - My experience of Tinnitus is just like yours - louder than anything, unmaskabke, total shit, I ‘Fuckingwell’ despise it !!!
And yet I live in a family of utterly delightful people, whom I cannot bear the thought of distressing.
So I continue living with, and coping with my own distress.
Then there are my three adorable pussycats.
I promise them every day that I will always be here to take care of them.
How could I let them down?
Much as I despise this condition, and despise the perpetrator that caused it, I go on meditating, practicing deep relaxation (even though I live in noise), and looking for things I can still enjoy, wherever possible.
I feel so much love for you Jemina, and all of us that truly suffer,
Dave x
Jazzer

 

Sometimes it’s more supportive and caring just to let people go than hold them in agonising torture. I’m so sorry Jemima that it comes to this for so many of us and the world is almost entirely unaware of our huge suffering. I hope you find peace.

 

I want nothing more to embrace you during this horrible, relentless time. And tell you all will be fine and heal you. But we know that cannot happen and to give relief is near impossible. I agree with Bam, I hope you find peace, wherever that is.

 

Are you people deluded? She's had T for only 6 months! It could still heal up and get significantly better, possibly even completely resolving. Even if it didn't, her perception of ever increasing T volume is simply untreated hyperacusis!

You all (the folks advocating suicide) should be ashamed of yourselves....

@Jemina Please seek out professional help for your depression and hyperacusis, you might even make a FULL recovery! I implore you not to listen to these folks, there's hope for you, I promise.

Best wishes,
Ross

 

@Jemina I had a friend who had it for a year and it has now gone away completely. I collected a large volume of stories of it going after longer than a year. I will message them to you and anyone else who wants them. @Bam and @Red ...............is it right to say that to someone who has had this only 6 months??? I don't think so

 

Only 6 months? Tinnitus can improve over time!

 

Yup, me too. It's been almost 3 years now.
You've only had it for 6 months, so it's still in its fairly volatile phase... statistically it is supposed to get better in time. Of course, you could be part of the minority that doesn't get any better, but you won't know unless you give it time.

In addition to this, there is finally some tangible progress from the medical front. Other posters have given you links.

You list "ototoxicity" as cause of your T. Can you elaborate?

 

Don't suicide, it is too permanent. Give yourself a little time, perhaps it will lower in volume, perhaps you'll habituate, perhaps it will go away, perhaps there will be a cure... You just never know.

 

Please don't! 6 months is early. Tinnitus changes. You are still in the early phase. Give yourself let's say two years at least. Then check Tinnitus level and treatments again.
Your dark thoughts right now are a lie. It's not going to stay like this.

 

@Bam @Red

Sorry but what????? She's in for six months! Everything is still possible! I'm so sick of the self pity shown in these posts. Sorry but this is so horrible.

 

@Jemina Im so very sorry that you’ve been dragged into this horror show too. I’m actually just discussing with @Blue28 how unbelievable this condition is to endure and how very cruel it is. This is some sick joke that I hope gets fixed soon!!! Hugs J.... keep talking..... xxx

 

@Jemina this is such a shock to the system and I totally understand your despair. People here care and understand the suffering we're all going through. We are here to listen to and support each other. I too have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis, it was caused by an ENT procedure. If it wasn't for the kind support of people on this forum, especially @Vicki14, I don't know where I'd be today. Please stay strong x

 

Ditto @Blue28. We’re all here for each other as only those can understand the true depths of desperation and despair this can cause x

 

I never ever advocated suicide. I simply read Jemima’s post, digested what she was saying, and respected her words and her decision.....She’s had enough. Simple as that.

All too often on here people don’t actually listen. They read someone else’s words and then just stamp their own agenda all over it with zero respect for the posters feelings or intentions.

And that’s what this boils down to people ....respect. She’s not asking for a patronising pep talk and some rehashed statistics about what may or may not happen. She’s an intelligent woman, not a delusional mad person. She knows what she’s facing and she’s weighed it up and from her words it’s very clear she is sick of this shit and all its taken from her and doesn’t want to do it anymore. I fully and unequivocally understand her.

It’s her choice people. And how dare anyone call her or me or anyone else delusional for calling time on living with what is the most hateful and disgusting invasion of anyone’s once peaceful life.

Of course she might change her mind. But how can any of you tell her it’s going to get better? When she’s already told you its got worse. Which is certainly what I’ve experienced too. Not just the noise but the total loss of dignity and quality of life.

Of course it would be great if everyone got better but that’s a fantasy people. A delusional fantasy. We don’t even know what the chances are. It’s all completely anecdotal and unknown and I’m afraid as things stand and @Red and I quite rightly agreed....the best you wish for someone right now is peace.....we hope she finds peace. And doesn’t stay stuck in this constant turmoil.

If she did read this I’m sure the displays of classic victim shaming from people with a totally different class of this disease who have zero understanding of what she’s gone through for six months would further upset her.......But I’m equally sure those people are too blissfully ignorant to even comprehend why.

 

My advice: Hang on a little longer, get on some safe antidepressants, give MuteButton a chance and wait for FX-322 results. hell, even consider getting Minbo Shim's treatment.

Don't give up yet, we know it's hard

 

Even intelligent people can make mistakes Bam. Especially when they are in a distressed state.

I hope you will change your decision Jemina. Give it some time, it can get better, as said in previous posts.

 

It is not victim shaming. I have sympathy for people who commit suicide due to intolerable suffering.i may come to it myself one day, tinnitus is not my only condition. But it's wrong that people go to ENTs and are told there's nothing you can do, live with it, and come on here and in both places are often given the impression that this disorder never goes away or improves. Sometimes that is true but sometimes it is not!!! I think there have been people who have committed suicide after three months of loud tinnitus because they went to some doctor and were told oh there is nothing you can do, it's permanent. When they may have been in the subset who get better. And that pisses me off. Mine got improved AFTER the six month mark for one.

 

6 months is just too soon, give yourself a chance to change your mind =(

 

I agree Julien. But let me tell you this with absolute clarity. If and when i end my life due to this bullshit I do not want it to be classed as a ‘mistake’ because it won’t be anything of the sort. It will be a painful, drawn out, agonising and very very calculated decision based on quality of life....of which there is none for people like myself and Jemima who previously enjoyed solitary pursuits and a very simple quite life.

Let’s be clear if every tinnitus suicide is chalked up to being a ‘mistake’ there is no justice for the victims. Their voice is not heard. They are discredited and smeared with inaccurate mental health tags. Just as Jemima explained in her post, which everyone glazed over. She was happy. She wasn’t depressed or sad...... Tinnitus took everything she loved.

 

Go have a look at the neuromod thread. Anecdotal evidence yesterday that it got rid of T completely.....

 

I agree with you Rob and I hold out some small hope for this too, but I think it’s worth remembering that some people simply cannot afford it. It might be 4 or 5 grand. That’s not chump change! And it being out of reach financially might actually be pushing people toward the door in even more frustration and desperation knowing they cannot even try it.

 

it wont be that expensive.... they want to get it into as many hands as possible...

hold out for this anyway.. if it works theres always a way man....

 

In my first few months after tinnitus onset--when suicidal thoughts were running rampant through my mind--I at one point decided I'd give it at least two years before rushing into such a decision. It was at about 5 1/2 months that I noticed my fear of tinnitus abated considerably, even though my tinnitus hadn't. At about 8 months, I started doing regular mHBOT, and my brain and neurological system calmed down considerably, allowing me to mostly overcome the feeling I was being "eaten alive".

At about 10 months, I had a specialized neck treatment that seemed to calm my system down even more, and also seems to have lessened the tinnitus by about 10-15%. I feel I have good reason to hope for future improvements. The initial 2-year time frame I promised to give myself is now feeling like a good decision. And those rampant suicidal thoughts are almost entirely gone. -- @Jemina, not posting this to influence you, but to give you some information to consider. For me, patience was key (and some specialized treatments that turned out to work well for me).

 

What treatment was this?

 

AtlasPROfilax -- I've posted fairly extensively on this forum about it. The link I posted will get you started on different posts I've made. It's a specialized atlas "repositioning". I think it could be especially helpful for people who have various neck problems, and especially those who know their tinnitus is coming from their neck.

I think it's possible many who don't feel they have neck issues could benefit as well, as the practitioners I've visited (2) have said that about 90% of the people they see are good candidates for it. Some people have not noticed any benefits, but many have had literally life-altering health improvements. If you follow some of my links, you'll quickly run across some very short video testimonials of those who've gotten tinnitus relief.

 

If you’re that weak that you off yourself while there is a cure for 4 or 5 grand waiting for you, you don't deserve to live in the first place.