I've Had Enough. Seeing How I Feel at End of Day, Then Checking Out

So, I've run out of hope. I was given the wrong treatment, bottom line. All this was potentially preventable with more than 50% chance.

All this wasn't done though because I had the issue over Christmas break when all competent doctors were on vacation.

So, at this point...I'm done. The pain has crossed the point to where this life isn't worth it anymore.

There is a chance I will just be so exhausted that I don't do anything when I get home. I probably won't pull it off.

But I'm basically there now...there is no help. I'm done here. Its sad that my life of 28 years ends like this. I was given a shitty life, but also was improving until now.

I'm risking my job sitting here writing this. But I don't care anymore. This life isn't worth it anymore.

Again, though, I probably won't do anything once again...because I don't know what happens next.

 

That was exactly my thought when my tired and stressed out mind was entertaining some very dark thoughts when it saw no way out. So I checked out youtube on people who had near-death experience after doing the unthinkable to try to understand what will happen next. Youtube has loads of such videos and people's testimonies. I decided I rather stay put to fight and endure a temporary 'hell' than to risk the possible consequence as they suggested in their videos.

Let me share my experience below on how I dealt with my suicidal ideations during the toughest and darkest time when ultra high pitch T & severe H plus relentless anxiety and panic attacks overwhelmed me emotionally, mentally and physically. I am someone who has been converted to the power of positivity. So suicide is not something I like to talk and dwell on. But since this is a serious subject here and a dear member's life is at risk, I will reveal my own story a bit about the subject and hopefully it will help someone to change his/her mind about doing the unthinkable. This is a personal thing and I don't mean what I feel or believe means anything to anybody else. People are free to choose what they think is best for them.

A few years ago when severe T & H hit me suddenly, like some severely struggling members, I was entertaining some very dark thoughts too at the beginning, because it was not only the severe T & H which haunted me daily, but also the relentless anxiety and panic attacks triggered by T & H and the PTSD I suffered due to witnessing the tragic accident of my only son at 5 years of age. He literally bled to death in my arm. So my nerves were weak before T and depression was never too far. So T&H plus relentless panic attacks & depression are absolutely horrible. When these negative emotions and sensations came on auto mode daily, sometimes hourly, and my will power failing to stop them, the only option for me was drugs. I thought if drugs could not stop the attacks, then I would be most likely a dead man, to the point that I decided to check out the stories of people with near death experience due to suicide. There are many of such stories. You may want to check out youtube by searching on 'near death experience by suicide' to hear from those who came back to tell their horror stories on the other side.

So from that I came to the conclusion that I would rather soldier on, as hard and impossible as it may be. Being a Christian, I consider not just this life, but what may come next. I would rather endure a temporary hell and give my body time, as much time as it needs, to be able to handle the horrible sensations. I read the stories of Dr. Nagler, Kevin Hogan, Paul Tobey, and members of various tinnitus forums, and saw that many of them take some time to turn around, 6 months, a year or a few years.

So I formed my own 5-year plan. I thought anything which can hurt me so bad that I have to think about doing the unthinkable better prove that it can continue to hurt me 5 years continuously before I concur and submit to its will. I need to fight back at least and not bow to this bully. But before that 5 years are up, I wouldn't care less what the darn thing would do to my body. I would live as abundantly as I can, ignoring the pains, worries, horror sensations, taking meds if I have to, and I would live my life as I will, as I please, go see the world wherever, and experiencing things I have always wanted to but never had the chance. Some call this approach of living 'Finding Joy Amid the Pain'. And let's see if I live like that, co-existing with the sufferings, that my life would still be not worth living. I bought "The Power of Now" from Eckart Tolle to learn the idea of being transparent to sufferings, and develop my own concept of being a compost to benefit my love ones, lol. I was armouring myself up for the long battle with sufferings, at least for 5 years. Also, who knows in 5 years, the medical world may catch up on us and as you see there are now a few viable treatments out there.

After 5 years, if nothing improves and the medical world still can't stop my sufferings, I would embrace the ideas of climbing Mt. Everest, or trekking to the North Pole, or doing sky diving or biking around the world, or wading across a flooding river while fishing or venturing & surviving in the wilderness in our wild Canada. Yes, I would do dangerous stuffs I would never thought doing (like Rose of the Titanic, LOL). Whatever power wanted to take me, it would have to do it this way, with me taking risk but enjoying my life doing things I love to do or doing things I never dare doing before, and not with me kneeling, begging for mercy or crying to no end to this T bully.

That is just me and my way of dealing with the darkest time in my life and I imply in no way that is the right or wrong way of dealing with this. This is very personal and I wouldn't reveal this kind of secret thinking without an important reason. But if it helps some of the suicidal members here to change their minds, so be it. It will be all worth it. But honestly, in my case, the T bully couldn't hold up its tyranny on me for 5 years, not with me living abundantly regardless of T and practising 'finding joy amid the pains', my new motto. T is now just a paper tiger. The dog whistle is still there but I don't give a damn. I live my life a happy man, whistling merrily along the way and the heck with T. It can go to hell. I kick its A*&$#SS. Here is my success story. Please read through it and see if it can help you in some way. Take good care. God bless and whisper peace to your troubling heart.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

Jdj09,
I hope with all my heart you don't do anything and go to AnE to a safe place or get admitted for help and support.
Don't be another life gone to Tinnitus as. Your life is still worth living even us guys on Tinnitus Talk will miss you so much so please don't do anything .

Help put this to good use and support sufferers on here and make every day count as its a day gone in your life .

We are here to support you and I wish I lived by you to help get you through this dark patch and you will get through it in time.....let us know you have not done anything......lots of love glynis

 

Hey man I remember feeling like that and it was awful. However, I was able to take something called Lamotrigine (has to be titrated up slowly) that really so far has helped me deal with the tinnitus way better, turned the volume down some, and I have been tuning it out way, way, way more easier. It's like I might think about it and then think oh it's there no big deal and then I will think about something else and my brain tunes it out. It has been great for me in addition to my hearing aids which have maskers if I want to use them. I also have klonopin that shouldn't be taken long term. I'm hoping to ween off if I can. You might want to talk to the doc about some kind of medication that will help you deal with it and some hearing aids and you could be feeling a lot better hopefully.

 

"Do it, or don't do it" OUCH! I just wrote about my hopelessness and feeling like I want to die in my sleep and now my tinnitus has quieted down "some", not too much. I was just watching TV and had some periods when I wasn't focused on it. Before I vented I felt like I couldn't stand another minute. Then I got started sharing with someone about my experiences with Kratom and my mind was focused on something else for a while.
We all can't be sunshine and roses. "Do it or don't do it" Holy shit. "don't write about it here" . Who the hell are you to tell anyone what they can or can not post here. Where else is he supposed to share his stuff? If you don't like what someone writes you have the option to ignore it. Not shame someone in pain. Get yourself a heart. Jesus. I'm in shock. Just think, maybe you'll be the lucky one that pushed him over the edge...
I like the responses that came AFTER yours.

 

I've reached out to Jd numerous times,I even tried having a private conversation with him last night only to be asked about Stemcells and when I tried to offer him advice it was simply just ignored.I don't believe anyone here can help him,unless that is you have a cure for hearing loss.I have tried and tried but it's all been in vein.

I really hope he's ok and that he doesn't do anything foolish,I like the guy I honestly do he just needs real help.

Jd I consider ending it everyday!But hope is what keeps me going,that I will one day be happy again and that's a goal I'm not going to give up on anytime soon.Please contact someone here to let us know your ok.

 

Hi Jdjd09,
Hope you are ok.
I can not pm you as your settings won't let me ....
Pm me anytime and happy talk with you on the phone even Skype phone.....lots of love glynis

 

Good share glyns.

 

What can I say which has already been mentioned. Just that I hope that @jdjd09 takes in all these threads witch have been well documented on the suffering of tinnitus and how to find the best ways to cope and adapt to it and live a normal life.

 

what if you die and you still have tinnitus

 

I haven't done anything yet....I'm weighing my options...work isn't over yet.

 

You keep safe and stay positive ....lots of love glynis x

 

I still haven'tdone anything. Not because I can't but because I can't do not without pain yet. This life is insufferable. I've hit every box one can check in order to be at risk for suicide.

This life is not livable anymore. People should be allowed to did after they reach a certain suffering level.

Also, I guess I've cried wolf enough times. I'm ready to go to sleep and not wake up it seems. See what comes next. I realize many want to say nothing comes, but I beleive if this life I got can start after never being asleep , I see no reason why it's beyond the realm of possibility that another one of some sort comes after this. At least there I have a CHANCE of not having this issue.

 

@jdjd09 Please call a hotline or pm glynis who would be wonderful to talk to. (I'm away with limited messaging now.) Just don't be stubborn and bullheaded, dude. You are a good guy and you are in the thick of a negative-depression set of thoughts and you need help to get out of your stuck thinking. You don't want to leave. You want to stay. So set aside the stubborn clinging to your negative ideation for now, and trust others, and call for real help. Whatever gets you through the night ...

Many people on earth have come from similar dark nights and are glad they stuck around.

Call for help.

We care.

 

This is hell on earth. I can't say on here what I did because I'm not going to have my life further ruined. I can't even succeed at that.....

I had T before this without the hearing loss. Not all T is the fucking same. The loud constant T is insane. The uneven hearing makes it worse.

So, I'm stuck in this torture chamber until I find a good way to end it, someone cures my hearing loss and T (stem cells seem to be the closest chance to that, but can't afford it), or until I luck out and die in a car crash or something.

I'm done with this. It's been 4 months, people start habituating eventually to normal T. I hear it over everything.

 

If it does habituate, it takes the brain longer than four months. IF it does habituate. Before you off yourself go here: https://tinnitusnotch.com/

 

Don't do it.

Take a long shower.

Put on headphones with masking noise and fall asleep.

I hope you get help.

Chris

 

I consider help a cure, and no one seems to be able to cure me of the hearing loss and tinnitus. I have had tinnitus before and it hardly bothered me at all. So this is telling.

 

Seriously, there is no real cure for hearing loss? How the hell does this happen to me at 28.

 

It started happening to me around age 4.

 

Man my right ear is virtually dead, but hear better with my hearing aid. I have screaming T, but get out of bed, stay busy and endure another day. It's tough, it sucks and it seems hopeless at times, but I survive another day. I hate this condition as much as you and everyone here, but we have it and can't change it at the moment.

Life throws us a lot curve balls, so you either connect with a base hit or strike out. Try spending some more time in the batters cage! Maybe you'll hit one out of the park, one day soon?

 

Why do you keep mentioning your age like somehow this matters? Who gives a shit how old you are. You are 28 but your posts sound like you are 12.

 

@jdjd09 dont do it. give it some more time! have you tried vinpocetine?

telis age matters because being in your 20s and getting T sucks more than being 60 and getting T. not the T itself sucks more but its a huge different situation (also financial) situation you are in.

 

Well an argument could be made that it's harder to deal with T at 60 because you aren't young, strong and as as easily adaptive anymore. Age really doesn't matter. And not all people are financially secure at 60, Just like not all people that are 28 are broke. Also 28 is not young, he's 5 years away from being middle aged.

 

I got it when I was 26, so I am younger than you @jdjd09.
It sucks to be young and have T, but that is what it is. So stop obsessing with your age, there are members here that got it in their teens or even as a child. They are not obsessing over their age like you do, so stop looking to your age like it is totally unfair because you are 28. I am younger and I don't obsess on my age.

Your mental age and your mental strength is not linked to your physical age. Some can be 17 and act and think like someone that is 30 and a 30 year old can act and think like a 15-year old. Your inner-self is what determines how well you can cope or overcome things. It is obvious by now that you have problems and feelings that only a professional can help. I have seen so many people reaching out and helping but it is just going in one ear and out the other for you. You keep posting and posting but despite the help and advice you get, you don't seem to take any of that in. So people are being harsh because they have spent time to care and write to you but you ignore them and keep asking the same questions. I know it sucks but you really need to talk to someone professional than here. You will not find the answer you are looking for here, that there is a cure for hearing loss.
No cure, only hearing aids to help you hear better and even lowering T. Please get that in your mind. Probably meaningless for me to even write this but people will stop care to write back to you eventually. Don't alienate people that can offer you advice by ignoring and not listening.

 

Why does it offend you so much? I'm sorry, but I'm not goning to be nice about this anymore. Yesz it fn matters that I got this in my 20s. No, 28 isn't fucking old...my life only got started a few years ago in adulthood. Yes, it matter as being older, you are TYPICALLY, not always, established. You have work experience, you know how the world works a duck tkn better than you did in 20s, and honestly less years to suffer like this.

People are suppose to be living life in there 20s...but whatever I'm not going to argue this point further as there seems to be some denial about age being an issue. Guess what, most people my age don't have hearing loss...and they won't for a f ton while...if ever with medical advances.

Hell, most people on this board dknt even have measurable hearing loss.

 

I've sought out 7 or 8 doctors at this point. Ents, therapists, psychiatrists, etc.. They don't care. None helped me really at all. In fact...many misguided me. One attempted to call the ringing a psychotic event, like voices in one head. They don't fn care. None of them do.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you are tougher than me against this siruation or maybe having it your whole life has helped it make it a "norm" for you. I can't speak for you though of course.

@Michael2013 , may I ask how loud the ringing is for you?

 

Jdjd09,
My son has hearing loss in one ear 40db and hes 21 and for mild tinnitus and epilepsy.
He's doing well and has a great job and at uni in September for his last year doing architecture and they are keeping him on at work after finishes uni and on a good wage.
You can get through this has patch in your life ..
Did you try a hearing aid ?
..lots of love glynis

 

In what frequencies though? For me, and I'm going to get flack for it, I can't accept a hearing aid. Maybe if I lived with one as a kid, and I had zero say in the matter, I would have probably not been bothered tlby this.

I am though and don't see myself getting a hearing aid. I can't accept one. Dating will be different, having to drag around another medical thing for the rest of my life, etc.

I can't accept it any longer. I can't do a hearing aid. This means I can't really do anything, which means I need to leave.

J have never been so serious about leaving this world in my entire life. There is no other logical conclusion. I'm not accepting taking meds or hearing aids. I need a treatment for hesring loss. If one doesn't exist, I guess I need to leave.