Really Struggling to Find Any Hope, Answers

I've been trying hard not to write a post like this one. I don't think they help anybody. However, I don't think I can avoid it any longer. I don't even know what I'm looking for by writing this, but here goes. Maybe it will help to get the frustration out.

I'm miserable. I'm only 5-6 weeks in with my tinnitus. I still have several potentially helpful things to explore. I know my TMJ is messed up and that I grind my teeth at night. I've actually cracked the night guard I had made. I firmly believe this is not caused by sound damage, but who knows. The tinnitus is pretty stable and modulates with face and jaw movements. I certainly know it's not even close to as bad as many/most people on this site. I have one single tone that I perceive directly in the middle of my head. I've never been able to assign it to one ear or the other. A few times a day I get a whoosh/fullness sound in my left ear. It usually lasts a few minutes then it's gone.

My entire adult life I've been struggling with high anxiety and slight OCD behavior. It's making it terribly hard to not focus on the tinnitus. When I do get distracted from it I immediately go and find it. I don't know how to stop doing that.I keep reading about how people eventually get habituated to it and notice it less even though it's still there. I currently can see no path to that for me. I don't have the skills to do that. I've never been a mind over matter individual like that. I'm only 42 years old. I have no idea how people live with this long term. I see it just destroying my sanity over time. I'm spend hours in the fetal position. I cry in front of my kids. My extremely supportive wife seems like she's getting tired of this. I've been on FMLA for almost a month.

I'm a nurse and I feel like my medical care/ENT hasn't been managed terribly well.

For the first time in my life suicide randomly pops in to my head. The only time I enjoy is the time I spend asleep. The other day I was driving with my wife and were were stopped at a railroad crossing for a long freight train. My car was the first car closest to the train tracks. I'm looking at that train going by and thinking to myself how fast can I get out of this car and get my body under that train.

How would I have to position my body to for sure make this works?

Could my wife react fast enough to stop me? Would she get injured too?

I've worked too hard in my life to go out like that. I don't want that to be my kids' narrative as they get older.

I can't imagine me getting to a place where i can enjoy life again.

Sorry, that's long. Thanks anyway.

 

T is depressing condition. Why wouldn’t you be depressed by something so invasive and it sounds as if you need some urgent help.
Sertraline AD has helped some people with OCD but it also can have a remote side effect of T.
If your suicidal thoughts are active, and it sounds as if they are, you won’t be able to cope with this alone. The fact that you are posting this here is already a cry for help, let yourself be helped.
All of us are on this site because we struggle with T so you are here amongst supporters who really do understand what that noise can do.
Warmly yours
Eve
@spedgas

 

Think of it this way...as long as you can sleep, you are still in good shape.
You are still getting your reset that you so badly need to fight this POS.
Sleep is the most important thing that you have right now...it could be so much worse.

 

@spedgas You still have reason to be optimistic my friend. It’s way too early to be thinking about death by freight train. Good luck.

 

Please give it a year or so, there is a good chance your T will fade and go down to volume.

 

@spedgas
Please help me demand answers as to why the American and British Tinnitus Associations wont promote emerging technologies that could potentially cure us. On the contrary, they act like there is absolutely nothing.

 

@spedgas ,
Tinnitus has invaded your life and taken away your quietness so the feelings that come with tinnitus are enough to give your mental health a wobble.
Your not going crazy and tinnitus can be mental torture and strip away your confidence and self worth .

Make sure you eat and sleep well and off load stress and keep relaxing music on around you when you need a break from your tinnitus.

Try not let anxiety take hold and get some counselling and see your doctor if your thoughts get the better of you.
love glynis

 

Masking is nearly impossible. I’m more comfortable in quiet environments. My tinnitus seems to increase in volume when I’m around sounds I try to mask it with. I can hear it over the shower. The bathroom fan seens to make it louder as well. Is this even possible or is that in my head?

 

@spedgas ,
Don't try to mask your tinnitus as a softer sound is needed so your brain works hard to pick up the softer sound or music and will help your brains natural filter to not focus on your tinnitus or see it as a threat and push it
into the background. (in theory)
love glynis

 

Hmmm. That doesn’t sound good. My T is awful and even after a year I still cannot envisage living much longer. But i 100% cannot hear it under any shower I’ve so far encountered.

 

Unfortunately yes, it is definitely possible. You are not going crazy. Tinnitus is a real thing.

You are early. It may very well reduce. And if not, there are several promising treatments in the making. Check out the research threads.

There are many wonderful people on this site. Always feel free to reach out here for support. Hugs my friend, this condition can be horrendous. You are not alone.

 

Every time I see one of these frequent posts and have first hand experience of my once promising life now reduced to a pile of absolute degrading torturous suicidal shit I realise they’re as good as throwing us under the bloody freight train.

 

no it is possible.

 

then help me demand this. they wont even explain why they wont talk about it.

 

Bam - I don’t want to accuse you of being lucky my friend - but no shower comes even close to masking my “T” - it ploughs right through it.
You are better off than me buddy. x

 

You can call me ‘cappuccino boy’ from now on Jazzer.

 

Only if you promise not to come out with ‘airy-fairy’ crap advice......x

 

damn really? dude, help me demand the tinnitus associations promote emerging technology please.

 

@spedgas We have a TON if similarities in our stories. The real major difference is that I am just over 10 months in. I am still struggling but I don't struggle from minute to minute anymore. It's more a day to day thing. I am hoping that this trends to multiple days at a time.

I might have missed it, but if you haven't, you should also talk to a therapist. It's not going to solve your issues but it can help with some coping mechanisms.

Good luck to you !

 

You’re so negative Jazzer. If you can hear your T over the shower, get a louder shower. It’s that simple my friend. You just need to be positive and work around your little problem.

 

Oh shit - you’re right Bam!
......why can’t I think of things like that !!!

 

It quietens down for the majority and it goes away together for a certain proportion so absolutely do not think of suicide. Sounds like you have a nice wife and children too, to live for. There is some kind of limbic system link with the loudness and I think with many people the sooner you calm down the sooner it quietens down. Which is easier said than done in the beginning

 

4 years of T has rotted the grey matter.

 

I fully agree with @Agrajag364 that you must persevere until your last ounce of strength is gone. If indeed it even comes to that and doesn’t get better.

That said I’m fully aware of the savage paradox with this horrible affliction in that it makes you almost wish you had nothing at all to live for so you can just escape it without the guilt and sadness of what you’re leaving behind.

It creates a truly awful dilemma.

 

I super disagree here bro.

 

@spedgas I would have your dentist design you a mouth guard that's thin, flexible and semi soft for top teeth. You won't be able to crack or destroy one like this because of composition. It's better for powerful force control. You could wear this most of the time. After being place into mouth, it only takes 10 minutes for it to softly seal. After that you won't realize that it's there. You will be able to talk without a problem and others will not notice it. It will provide an emotional positive.

I would be kind to your neck. Extreme focus is not needed, but I would control extreme repetitive forward bending of head. I would use a small soft pillow under your neck while sleeping. Maybe place a warm towel around your neck on occasion. All of this will take pressure off the jaw. A gentle shoulder massage.

 

Hey @JohnAdam,

Just for clarification, I feel quite certain Bam's words were said in jest, and more importantly, taken as jest by @Jazzer. I thought it was pretty funny myself.

 

People talk about reactive tinnitus so yes

 

Quite right Lane..
Bam is my mate.