Suicidal

@Allan1967 I have been where you are now. Also a family father of 3 beautiful teenagers.

Have you tried SSRI? Escitalopram saved me. Also benzo was very good for me in my early days. Are you on any drugs at all now?

 

Absolutely. There is enough data to make me want to try it if it was available nearby.

 

Imho, no one can help. Is your tinnitus so loud that you feel this way? Mine is. The pitch is so damn high but it's probably the volume that is the main problem. Plus, it sounds very similar to cicadas. Imagine listening to cicadas except even higher pitched than that, 24/7! That's how I describe my tinnitus.

It's too intrusive to do anything and I often have ear pain in addition to this tinnitus. I don't know what is causing the pain but good guesses include grinding and clenching in sleep plus certain loud sounds seem to result in left ear pain soon after. Always, the left ear with that.

I don't want to live with this. I just can't see myself tolerating this for any long period of time. I will eventually try suicide. It's just a matter of when. If the tinnitus doesn't reduce in volume and improve, then I will try some method eventually.

 

Saved you, how? How can a drug do anything if tinnitus is severe?

I was prescribed amitriptyline but it doesn't seem to do anything. I didn't fill my prescription of escitalopram. It's an AD which I don't think will do squat.

I NEED THE F#%$@% TINNITUS TONES TO CHANGE IN VOLUME - TO DECREASE!! AFAIK, no current drug on the market does that. Supposedly, a benzo might calm the nerves or do something to the body and some people claim their tinnitus changed (volume? intensity? not sure exactly what their claim is) but my physician refused to prescribe me any benzo.

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/22626945/

“Comparing before and after each drug, clonazepam significantly improved tinnitus loudness (74% of subjects), duration (63%), annoyance (79%), and tinnitus handicap inventory score (61%), whereas the G biloba showed no significant differences on any of these measures.”

I don’t know about other benzos doing the same. But yes clonazepam improved loudness drastically, occasional duration as in I actually get what seems to be complete quiet at times, and thus annoyance for me.

 

So how does one get that?

 

Unfortunately, it was not easy. My GP wouldn’t prescribe it either. The Psychiatrists at the psych ward wouldn’t give benzos either. I had to go to a psychiatrist to get it and pay out of pocket. I know you’ve said in Canada there is a long wait like a year or something. I’m sorry perhaps if you could show the study to your GP you could help him understand you’re not drug seeking.

 

It must depend on the cause. You can't give up hope.

 

@Allan1967, and others who've been watching this thread: I might just give a brief history of what I've gone through that I think is relevant to much of what's being discussed here: -- I sustained a serious head injury/whiplash at age 15. Unbeknownsth to me--and which I didn't realized until decades later--this injury seriously misaligned my atlas (upper most cervical vertebra), and compressed my brainstem, and likely all 12 of my major cranial nerves. This serious injury--plus a brain and nervous system altering Lyme Disease--created all kinds of havoc in my brain and neurological system.

I won't detail on the myriad hormonal, immune system, and GI major dysfunction(s) that resulted (and more), as I want to focus on what it did to my brain and neurological system(s). Over the next several decades, I ended up experiencing "shades" of just about every kind of so called "mental illnesses" one can imagine. This would include depression, anxiety, OCD, mini-seizure activity, major sensory processing issues (including severe hyperacusis), Tourette's, anger (even rage), extreme despair, anhedonia, insomnia, dpdr, autism spectrum, and on and on.

For years I wondered what was "psychologically" wrong with me, that I couldn't seem to withstand the normal "rigors" of normal living. I had a background of being very active, very high IQ, quite athletic, outgoing while at the same time quietly introspective. I was also fairly ambitious, had lofty goals, and had the confidence that I could attain whatever I put my mind to. But as the years went by, the above things I listed often went from "shades" to deeper and deeper episodes. I also ended up developing a serious case of ME/CFS, which led to me being in bed about 20 hours a day. If you can imagine taking 2 hours to crawl from my bed to the bathroom--with rests along the way--then you can get an idea of how serious the CFS was.

Guess what? Most of the doctors, not knowing anything about how profoundly structural misalignments can affect a person, often didn't believe I really had a physical illness. They felt I should just take some antidepressants, or some other kind of medication they normally prescribe to people who have health issues they can't figure out. After all, if they can't figure it out, then it's got to be all in your head, right? Unfortunately--or actually more accurately fortunately--I had extremely limited tolerance for not only regular things in the environment like perfumes and exhaust, but even less tolerance for most medications. What was I to do?

I was literally forced to look into just about any kind of so called "alternative" therapies that might offer me relief. I found a number of them that helped me immensely, and that I believe saved my life. Some of these things included: 1) Upper cervical chiropractic; 2) Atlas Profilax (specialized atlas adjustment, which can sometimes lead to an improvement or cessation of tinnitus); 3) Donna Eden energy techniques; 4) Tapping/balancing techniques to harmonize major brain cortices; 5) Castor Oil Packs; 6) Self-Acupuncture; 7) Earthing (and being in nature); 8) Coffee Enemas (big one); 9) Contemplation/Visualization techniques; 10) Dry Brush Massaging; 11) Gua-Sha; 12) Unusual supplements; and on and on.

I felt I tried literally everything, but have discovered--especially since getting tinnitus in February, 2018--there's always more things to try (even some that sound outlandishly ridiculous like coffee enemas). I found that if I used some of these things regularly, I could very consistently bring about major (almost miraculous) stabilization(s) into my system(s). Unfortunately, because of my underlying structural and bodily function issues (because my organs weren't getting enough nerve energy), these stabilizations wouldn't last very long. So I got into certain routines of doing of some of the things I outlined above on a daily basis (sometimes twice/daily if necessary, which was often). To give an idea of just how effective they could be:

I would often awaken in the mornings with depression and anxiety so thick and incapacitating, I could barely get out of bed and take my first step. Fortunately, I usually managed to get started on a coffee enema, and doing a number of energy balancing techniques. It was pretty amazing how the severe headaches and head pressure I always woke up with would begin to "drain" from my system. After about 20+ minutes, I'd head for the shower, and then do a morning contemplation exercise. By the time I was done with all that, I would actually often feel pretty normal, even happy. Ya gotta to wonder what a traditional doctor would think of that; going from complete and utter despair to feeling like a pretty normal human being in a little more than an hour.

I did a number of things along the way that were especially instrumental (as in HUGE) for me: 1) I had all the metal removed from my mouth, and had an old root-canaled tooth extracted; 2) I had a one-time AtlasPROfilax atlas alignment; 3) I started a modified Intermittent Fasting regimen; 4) I purchased a home mHBOT unit last fall, and use it almost daily. I feel I'm now experiencing some deeper levels of healing from that old concussion and ongoing Lyme infection. -- I've done more, but my stamina is starting to run low for the time being.

I'll just finish up by saying that for those who think they've literally "tried everything", and have now reached the point of believing suicide might be their only option, I would suggest reconsidering. I seriously doubt many people in this world have tried as many things as I have. Had I not gone this unusual route, I don't believe I would have experienced the kind of relief I was able to achieve from doing relatively simple, safe, and inexpensive approaches. And I continue to believe there are almost an infinite number of things yet to try. Perhaps a big hurdle to overcome is to actually believe they're out there. I do, and so I continue to find things that give me relief.

Final note: When I first went into an HBOT chamber two months post tinnitus onset, after about 30 minutes, such a deep sense of relaxation and relief settled into my system, it almost made me cry. Up to that point, I seriously doubted whether I'd ever be able to relax again. But I did, and with it went layers of depression and anxiety. But that's me, I can't say HBOT or anything else will help another person the way it's helped me. But I strongly believe that if people are willing to leave no stone unturned as to what might work for them, then they will almost assuredly find something that will help, perhaps even considerably. -- I wish everybody here all the best in pursuit of your own unique solutions.

 

I want to smash my head open.

I wish I could visit one of the states in which it is easy to obtain a gun so I could shoot myself.

 

So, it's impossible to get anything. So, why would I suffer like this? There's no point. I was never someone to need or want drugs or meds. But, now I so desperate to try something to see if it does ANYTHING. I thought Valium or Xanax or Clonazepam were worth trying.

If I can't get one of those, then I want to give up. I can't sleep with this tinnitus being so loud and high pitched. It's inhumane to expect me to just live like this. Not even getting even a minor escape via some brief sleep. I don't need any hugs. I just want to die and no one can give me that or silence.

 

Can you present some of your findings to a doctor to get your hand on a benzo?

There was a doctor in Israel who actually published a study on this. I will try and find that for you. They really are effective with tinnitus, this forum seems to have a lot of people who agree on that. Good luck PeteJ.

 

@Allan1967
@PeteJ

Have you ever tried oral steroids (prednisone) to see if it helps?

 

You have been through the mill.

 

I'm having a bad, bad time.

I've been here before. Back in 1997 at tinnitus onset. Lost weight, panic attacks, suicide attempt; lost career. I pulled through eventually.

In 2006 my jaw snapped (TMJ) and immediately my tinnitus spiked to horrendous levels. Back then I didnt know if it would settle. 5 months of anxiety; panic attacks; depression; suicidal. It settled down and I pulled through.

2018. Piano noise exposure. Increased tinnitus. Depression. Anxiety. Insomnia. Suicidal ideation.

But I'm not pulling through. You would think by now I'd know I've been here before and I can do it again.

But what is stopping me? Can someone help me rationalise this?

 

Absolute amazing post Lane. Like Extreme, Glynis and many others here...you are an incredible warrior. The human body is just too complex for the current status of medical science to make any sort of accurate diagnosis in many cases. No stone unturned and a million stones to turn over.
Through everything you have survived by your great mind, love of life and self desire to be healthy to enjoy life as you should.

Another theme worth mentioning. For many like yourself, Extreme, Glynis and no doubt others, tinnitus isn't their first rodeo. You and others have had other mental or health challenges that in some ways has prepared you for tinnitus. But those that were very healthy their whole lives to contract tinnitus is such a difficult blow. Really their first trial whereas yourself, Extreme and Glynis have through so much more prior to contracting tinnitus. Tinnitus is just one more brick in the house.

I hope all the suicidal people reading this thread who are knocked down to their core, survive by pure will to live.
As so many have proven, even with loud tinnitus...there have been several accounts of people living their lives relatively normal with even loud tinnitus. They just accept this as part of them and then of course there is great hope that medical science will improve this condition for all.

I have a good cycling buddy when I told my story, he looked at me and said 'he was born with tinnitus'. Has always had it and early on, he thought everybody had it until he learned otherwise. His hearing tests relatively normal.

 

As in virtually every person that struggles and goes to their depth with suicidal ideation, your mental health is stopping you. You need to change this through medication...and medication and change of your brain chemistry will allow you to lose fixation on tinnitus, reduce its stranglehold, you can then modify your behavior to sleep better and starting doing the things you love in life. Right now that is a galaxy away. All you can focus on is your suffering and tinnitus.

Brain chemistry rules the roost. A little pill can change your life. Of course you need to find the right pills. An acid trip may send you over the edge or not. You need to find better brain chemistry. You on conscious or unconscious level can't accept your setback. Your anxiety is off the chart. This setback has dramatically changed your brain chemistry. Brain chemistry can morph dramatically under great stress and you need to intervene and supplement with what nature isn't providing. No different than a diabetic needs insulin.

And then there is momentum to the good and momentum to the bad. You are currently on the wrong side of the curve due to your setback. This isn't who you are. You used to live on the other side of the curve. But your setback has changed this? What is a setback by definition? Temporary. When you get to the better side, many can even ween from meds. Why? Because their brain chemistry is restored. They are more at peace with themselves and environment. You are now fully immersed in doing the things you love what distract you from the annoyance called tinnitus. Tinnitus is reduced to it rightful status. It is like living a full life with a sore hip....not the end of the world created by the brain bankrupt of the neurotransmitter chemicals necessary to make more objective decisions.

I hope you get professional help to get you through this spike.

 

Autumnly,
Don't be coward-ly. Be Autumn-ly.
Suicidal ideation is not a Funny matter. So your response to my post was a criticism.

And since I have called out the coward, you Autumnly, you need to explain why I am wrong...or...you are the lowest of all humanity, making light of people struggling with suicide.

If you don't, you are the lowest of vermin. You have already proven you aren't a nice person which is ok. But you may have some advice to help the people here and you should share it, whether I agree with it or not.

So the floor is yours. Explain your infallible truth of Allan and Pete and why I am wrong.

Do the right thing and rebut what I wrote. Don't be coward-ly. Be Autumn-ly.

 

Allan, are you on any treatment for the anxiety and depression? Those alone can debilitate you. Add in anything else, and it's just so insanely difficult to fight.
But please realize that you are fighting it. Every single day. You are stronger than you think. Look at what you've gotten through. The same goes for Pete. You two are survivors, also. Please try to give yourselves some credit.
And Allan, if you aren't on any treatment for those, I really think you should seek some out. Even if you tried some things in 1997.. your reactions now could be completely different. I hope at least you're seeing a psychiatrist?

Pete, can we backtrack? What are the things you've tried for your Tinnitus?


That's so weird. There's absolutely nothing funny about that post.

Yes! This is spot on. And it's not your fault at all, Allan. It's totally normal. But your anxiety will make everything worse.

 

Honestly, we have had our differences Autumnly, but I never felt you would stoop so low.
You don't even have the integrity to tell me why I am wrong in an effect to help those at their wits end.

There are no words for how unconscionable your stand is. Your dislike for me trumps any common decency to help those in the most dire need.

Of course you have struggled. I know, you have struggled the most and your story is epic and you should be given an award for your heroism. But you have a darker side. Pretty clear.

I am a scientist and have worked with the smartest people in my field. Fellow scientists with highest education often disagree. In fact, agreement in some cases is hard to find and sometimes there is deep division as to best path.
That is the purpose of the forum Autumnly. To put our best foot forward with our personal views and accept on some level if others disagree. The road to the truth is rocky and fraught with bruised egos. Kind of like democracy.

I hope you reconsider and your 'better angels' will come forward to help Allan and Pete to recapture their lives.

 

Perhaps it was your despicable description of @Autumnly in the above post that has prompted her to not respond to you @John Mahan.

 

It was to shame her into a sense of civility which btw is completely needless. The high road for her to come to this thread and even disagree and put forth her views was available. How could a person ever place disdain for an individual above helping those in the darkest of places?

Moral equivalency? Not even close.

 

You call yourself well educated, a scientist I believe. Were you not educated on how to interact with others? This forum is here for support and encouragement and everyone deserves to be treated with respect, even when there are differing views and opinions.

 

Not to pile on you emmalee, but do you have a learning deficit?
I have written in length about what steps I believe are helpful for Allan and Pete and have cheerleaded others with their remarkable stories like Lane and Extreme who are unsung heroes of survival.

Ok Emmalee. You are up to bat. Don't hide behind style of discourse now. Lets talk substance. Where am I substantively wrong? The road to the truth is iterative. Feel free to correct the comments I have made toward Allan and Pete...the subject of this thread. This thread isn't about Autumnly or you trolling me, but helping those in need.

You are up. Your time to contribute. My sense is...you have nothing. Prove me wrong.

 

He simply got upset at her reaction to his post https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/suicidal.31839/page-20#post-464771

 

Extreme I am not upset in the least. I encouraged Autumnly to not troll me but rather post why she disagrees in an effort to help. We are all here to learn.

All the emotion here about discourse among fellow tinnitus sufferers seems beyond silly. That is why Autumnly's pettiness is so beyond the pale. Haven't we expended enough emotion about tinnitus itself?

For example, by my calling Autumnly out, I have advised her that tinnitus has robbed her of her humanity and she should work on that. As a result she now has a posted note on her refrigerator to make this a priority. What is more important than being a better person?
Helping others is much more important than any personal amanous which should never be harbored anyway.

For example, I forgive Autumnly for her shortcomings. She likely can't help it. Apparently

 

I shouldn't have characterized your response, that's my bad. Fair point.
I just hope your excellent points, and my points, aren't overlooked due to this reaction from Autumnly. We're both just trying to help.

On a super positive note, I see our thread starter is still with us here. Fantastic! I'm so glad.

 

@John Mahan , antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs are a minefield, especially with tinnitus. Many drugs that improve mood may worsen tinnitus. Some drugs improve tinnitus for some and worsen it for others. Drugs that are effective for most people like clonazepam may spike tinnitus once reduced and can be habit forming and difficult to taper. I am stuck with a medication I cannot stop unless I wish to go through a host of horrid neurological symptoms and this was not even supposed to be addictive. Many antidepressant list the very condition they are supposed to treat among the side effects.

This is not to say that psychiatric drugs are to be avoided at all cost. If the situation is desperate, by all means let's try them. But I wanted to say they are not the clean solution to altered brain chemistry many imply. Their mechanism of action is not well understood and no one knows their long term effects. Psychiatrists go by trial and error as they have no medical test to decide which antidepressant works best for an individual. I suspect doctors from the future will look at current psychiatry the same way as we look at bloodletting now. This is not against psychiatrists, they often do miracles with the tools they have.

 

Great post Chinmoku and glad you made it. Of course. On this forum in fact, common knowledge and gets written about all the time. However going in...and yet, you started meds in the first place...and I did the same thing. I have treaded very carefully for all the reasons you have eloquently enumerated.

So will ask you. You are on medication for some level of fear of withdrawal, and I am on Clonazepam 'as needed' which is sparingly and a huge help for me with little fear of stopping but when I need it, I need it or start looking for the ladder to that high place like Allan and Pete.

So you need to prescribe a roadmap Chinmoku. You with all your experience are now the signature advisor to both Allan and Peter....both of whom are tettering on the edge and thinking about jumping. I may have jumped off the ledge had it not been for Clonazepam. Can't speak for you. I live a relatively normal life now. Yes, my tinnitus is intrusive and bugs me and I take a Clonazepam as needed, resisting as much as possible understanding the pitfalls you discuss.

You have noted the slippery slope of meds, their tradeoffs, the trap of dependency and withdrawal, and possibility of tinnitus spiking.

Please advise Allan and Peter down off the ledge without medication. Or, if you believe this is a bridge too far, advise how they should proceed with medication.

We are all here to learn, I agree with everything you wrote however, tinnitus is a brain disorder, the brain operates on neural chemistry and basically the only game in town is to tweak this if nature is falling short with all the peril you identify. Can't modify behavior with profound mental illness placing people at the brink.

Please advise.

 

You are a wonderful man Extreme. You are the male equivalent of our beloved Glynis. A man who has endured what would break a more common man and yet you come out the other side riding above.

If there is a silver lining to this disease and this forum, it teaches many valuable lessons about life.

On a whimsical note,...don't know if you have ever followed pro cycling but the greatest cyclist many believe who ever lived is Eddie Merckx. Eddie is built pretty unremarkably and oddly, he and I are built identically...same height and weight, proportion and shape and he is the greatest who ever lived and I am not ...he is sometimes asked why he was so great. I also raced with another guy who was state champion who I was built identically to who was faster. Eddie simply said, what separates me from others is my capacity to suffer.

Extreme you have tremendous grace based upon what you have gone through which speaks to your character and how you were raised. I told you about my family and yes we are all high achievers like you. We laugh about it.
People at the end of the day do the best they can.