Suicidal

I can't do it. I don't have the courage. Been to my special place, made myself a noose; stood for a while and asked if there was any God or spirit guide present to give me a sign because now was the time. No answer. But I still couldn't do it.

God must have other plans for me. Looks like, for now at least, I must suffer daily for what higher reason I don't know, but I must suffer.

If the time was right, I wouldn't have stalled.

Oddly on the way out a door I would have passed was wide open, meaning I had to side step it to get past, but also side step it on the way in. It wasn't wide open on the way in.

I'm neither dejected or elated, just flat. Resigned to a fate of what I don't know.

 

I felt the same way for months. For me, my tinnitus began after my dog died, work stress, and a terrible long term relationship ending.

I was suicidal and I’ve always had depression.

But when the other problems in my life passed, my tinnitus has become bearable.

Just never lose hope and treat yourself better.

 

Yes I should have specified that this post was only for the depression/AD part. For benzodiazepines I think the post by @Star64 makes the essential points.
PS if the car mechanic had a warning sign "repairs may cause your car to break again and your brakes to fail" I am not sure cars would be so popular. Antidepressants have depression as a side effect.

 

Sorry, tinnitus is a brain disorder. The brain is connected to the hearing apparatus. Sound is a construct of the brain.

Sound does not exist in nature, only in the brain. Relentless, annoying, loud obtrusive sound aka tinnitus is a perception of the brain. It is based upon synchronization of neurons in the brain stem if you believe Dr. Shore.

The brain reacts in some cases to a change in the cochlea you mention. For some this can create acute tinnitus. For others with cochlear nerve damage 'no tinnitus'. The brain creates the sound. The brain creates all sound. No sound exists in the universe, only in our 'brains'.

The whole issue discussed here is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first? Tinnitus or mental illness. A philosophical conundrum of degree. I would submit for many here, mental illness came first. In fact it is the chemical deficit of this illness that causes the worse case of tinnitus. Countless mentally health people have tinnitus at a low level. I know too many to count on this level.

That is what makes tinnitus so difficult to manage. Because mental illness is difficult to manage, with or without tinnitus. With tinnitus superimposed, many who were anxious or depressed prior to contracting tinnitus become suicidal. It is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

I’ve quit all but my diabetes medication.

The last few years I’ve had a doctor that was very free wheeling with drugs. Celebrex, Lexapro, Xanax, Soma, and some others. I never really thought about the term “medicine” until now. And realize that’s all a doctor has to work with. Just crazy with all the side effects.

My tinnitus began when I started Lexapro and Xanax. Never again. How can I take my tinnitus seriously and not learn from that?

I work less, swim a mile 4x a week outside and eat clean.

God willing, it will go away.

 

Taking you as a case study, what would you have done differently knowing you needed help then based upon what was known about tinnitus then. Then contrast that with what you would have done now, knowing what you know now.

People get tinnitus every day. When I got mine and I thought it was loud, I didn't jump on a AD. I don't like to take meds btw.

Why not share your personal history because you seem to be a bit miffed you made the choice that you did perhaps based upon what you believe was bad information. Were you not depressed? Were you profoundly depressed whereby it detracted from your quality of life? Did you need a AD then to cope?

You seem like a sensible guy. Why not tell us what you would differently then, recognizing more is known now, and then tell us what you would suggest for Allan who is suicidal. Autumnly will not make such a leap. All she can do is post boilerplate BS with no benefit to Allan. Subject of this thread is Suicide. After you tell us what you would have done differently, please posit advice for Allan who needs help.

 

Did it ever occur to you that you playing fast and loose with meds had nothing to do with you contracting tinnitus?

That in fact your need for all this medication was to curb mental illness which was at the core of what caused your tinnitus and not what drug de jour you were taking?

You heard about Michael right? Michael's car ran out of gas but he was certain the car stopped because the battery died.

 

No, I've never done that. Have a look at the posts I've agreed with such as Michael recommending clonazepam or Chinmoku recommending antidepressants. I'm absolutely for people trying medications under the guidance of their doctor and ideally a therapist as well.

There's a difference between recommending someone to take medications and telling them they're going to work (like you did), and recommending them while letting people know of potential side-effects and that they might not work.

 

Allan, so sorry to hear this.

I won't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but because of my family, I could never go through with it. How is your wife going to explain to your kids that you left them to cope alone?

A good friend of mine split up from her husband recently, who died in the night a few months later from a massive heart attack. She was distraught at having to tell the kids they wouldn't see their dad again.

Please think about this and find ways to go on, for your family's sake as well as your own. Remember you're stronger than you think you are.

 

Why don't you tell your BS to Lynny. She just had a hearing test. She measures perfectly with no cochlear damage and yet has tinnitus she can barely live with.

 

My wife shuts me down because she can't handle it.

Little does she know she's making matters worse.

 

There has to be a significant language barrier. Because your thinking can't be this convoluted. You posted with your usual boilerplate BS why benzo's are the devil and then you go on to write that Clonazepam is ok.

Then...you state that I 'recommend' someone take a medication and I tell them it is going to work when I said nothing of the sort.

I stated clearly, that the best step forward for a suicidal person with tinnitus is visit a psychiatrist to make an informed diagnosis understanding the patient's complete mental and physical health history.

What you need to do, is stop twisting words and tell me if you agree with me. If you don't, tell me 'and Allan' why not.

 

I did post my story in the introduction section. I was already on pregabalin when I got tinnitus.
As I said before in the acute suicide phases a psychiatrist may help. Allan tried a few AD drugs already, there's that to consider. Perhaps a _short_ course of clonazepam instead could help but again this should be supervised by a psychiatrist. We are not medical doctors and should not give medical advice. I think also cbd oil is worth a shot personally, perhaps working with a naturopath.

 

I would say we loosely agree...with some exception. You don't have to be a medical doctor to suggest medical help for somebody suicidal.
You agree with me that Allan who is sick is best served by seeing a psychiatrist. It would only be then it would be exposed that there 'may' be an AD and tinnitus interaction. It would be the purview of the psychiatrist to decide if Clonazepam is appropriate.

I disagree that CBD oil or homeopathic remedies would provide the help Allan needs. Instead, I would defer as you say, to a medical doctor or psychiatrist and most wouldn't place Allan on this path either.

 

There are many possibilities, but if any of us knew for sure, my tinnitus would be cured.

To each is own, but when Doctors won’t give you more than 5 minutes, then hand you a bill for $250, or an RN prescribes a SSRI without a proper evaluation or listing the warnings, I lose faith.

I chose to see a therapist each week instead, with proper diet and exercise.

I will say this, if your going to take a SSRI, see someone other than your primary, see a specialist.

 

Sometimes I think this thread gets sidetracked and does not help the people that are talking about hurting themselves .

 

Like your post dayma?
Where is your contribution other than deriding others?

 

I like to read what you have to say. You are clearly very knowledgeable about this condition. I tend to agree very much about the root cause of tinnitus being a damaged cochlea. What´s hard to understand is why some can have there cochlea damaged with hearing loss as a result without tinnitus. I tend to suspect the amplifying mechanism of the inner ear. As you know there is a 100mV potential in the cochlea with just a tiny membrane separating the electrodes. A damage in the membrane could possibly generate brain signals without any external stimulation of the hair cells. Dying hair cells by themselves does not result in tinnitus. There must be an X factor or several.

 

speaking personally, 12-18 months back in to being significantly dependent on benzodiazepines, I find the dependency and fairly minimal side effects a lot more tolerable than I found my life with tinnitus and no Clonazepam.

I would not encourage this path; in fact I spent the better part of a decade spending thousands of dollars trying everything else under the sun to avoid it. But, ultimately... we all have to find our own paths. The title of this thread is "suicidal". I've been there. Now I am "addicted to clonazepam", and I find that to be a vast improvement.

 

@Allan1967

I know you are going through a difficult time so please talk to your doctor about how you feel. You need professional help. If this means being admitted into hospital for treatment then please do so, as I believe this is what you need.

Take care and I wish you well.
Michael

 

You nailed the essence of the conundrum. There is no cure for tinnitus. We have a dubious menu of options with all the tradeoffs we have discussed at length.

You said it perfectly... pick your poison:

speaking personally, 12-18 months back in to being significantly dependent on benzodiazepines, I find the dependency and fairly minimal side effects a lot more tolerable than I found my life with tinnitus and no Clonazepam.

--------
And will add my case which is likely less severe than linearb. I also take Clonazepam. My life with Clonazepam is dramatically better with it versus without. I have no dependency on Clonazepam as I have been able to manage my tinnitus with very infrequent use. Those that suffer more than me likely need to take it more frequently.

Limited choices and you said it perfectly linearb...

I would not encourage this path; in fact I spent the better part of a decade spending thousands of dollars trying everything else under the sun to avoid it. But, ultimately... we all have to find our own paths.

 

Understood. Big swimmer here btw. Exercise is vital to me. Bike and pool are a great release. What tinnitus?
Hopefully Jim, help will come.

 

What about your kids? Are they adults?

 

Are we talking psychiatric facility?

I am in no way trying to fearmonger, but in my opinion unless you go to a private pay facility I would not recommend this.

When I first got tinnitus (yes I know I am new to this) after two weeks of not sleeping I went to the emergency room begging for help. They had me talk to a social worker as of course Doctors told me there was nothing they could do for me.

The social worker determined me to be suicidal. She asked me if I was suicidal I said no. She asked me do I ever think it would be better if I was dead. I said sometimes I think if the the ringing would stop yes then it would be better. That statement was qualified as me being suicidal. I have no previous psychiatric history other than anxiety and depression.

I was “pink slipped” into the psych ward. Which means forcibly committed for a 72 hour hold. I was given two doses of Ativan at the hospital and taken to the psychiatric facility after two weeks of sleep deprivation and now being drugged (Prior to this I consumed no intoxicants for many years even alcohol as they exacerbate my anxiety).
The psych ward I was taken to casually had me sign a paper simply stating it agreed I was admitting myself to their hospital. This was a deceptive tactic and code for I was signing myself over to them for up to 90 days if they saw fit (thus invalidating my pink slip).

I was denied any sound enrichment period even though they kept telling me their recreational therapy department would come talk to me about something.

I was first placed in the Alcohol/Drug abuse unit because they had no beds on the adult behavioral unit. So though I was not an addict, I was housed with addicts. There was lots of verbal confrontations between patients with yelling (none involving me), the “quiet room” for therapeutic purposes constantly blasted the radio and the day room constantly blasted the TV. This meant I was confined to mostly staying in the room I slept in. It was not tinnitus friendly in the slightest.

The first psychiatrist I saw was verbally aggressive and accused me of being bipolar. She prescribed an SSRI and seroquel. I was told I had the right to refuse my meds but if I did I would be seen as non-compliant and that could lengthen my stay. So basically take the meds or else was implied.

By the second evening I was moved to the adult behavioral unit. I was suffering from a physiological ailment not a psychological one in my opinion. Here I was again housed with many loud aggressive patients. One of which had to be subdued, drugged and removed after a screaming meltdown. Also, almost everyone smoked. I am severely allergic to cigarettes. Many people smoked several times a day and did not change their clothes regularly. So they wreaked of cigarettes. So not only was my tinnitus exacerbated by denial of sound enrichment and extremely loud environment, my allergies were exacerbated by the inescapable lingering second hand smoke (even though they smoked outside).

One of my roommates was a paranoid schizophrenic. I was on seroquel and he kept telling me to close the door to our room so he could sleep. I’m sorry but I was heavily medicated and in a psych ward with a paranoid schizophrenic. I am not admonishing the mentally ill (I worked in the MR/DD field for many years), but I was afraid because I was so out of it if I fell asleep and he decided to do something to me I couldn’t have fought back.

I have GERD. I was told they would have “healthy” alternative dietary options for me. There were none. For a healthy dinner that was “GERD friendly” they presented me with iceberg lettuce salad, corn chips and chocolate cake. Then scoffed when I said “why would I eat that? It had no nutritional value essentially. Also, clearly not GERD friendly.

I usually have very good blood pressure. After lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and stress I was nearly hypertensive. When I complained to staff they basically said unless you pass out all we can tell you is to lay down and try to rest. Staff were verbally aggressive and inconsiderate of any inquiries I made regarding noise exacerbating my tinnitus. I never once raised my voice, disrespected anyone, or became aggressive in any way. Yet I was treated like dirt for the most part.

The second psychiatrist was friendly and took me off the psych meds as he seemed to understand I was merely desperate for sleep and nothing my GP had prescribed prior to this point had helped. He put me on Ambien only. It still really didn’t help me sleep more than two hours.

The seroquel and SSRI spiked my tinnitus to a level I had not at that time experienced. IMO, the Ambien did also as even after I left this continued until I detoxed from the Ambien.

Thankfully, the second psychiatrist saw I was mentally sound and agreed the admittance tactic was deceptive so he honored my 72 hour hold. This still technically ended up being over 72 hours because in Ohio they don’t count weekends and I came in on a Sunday morning at around 5am and didn’t leave until they finally processed my release Thursday afternoon.

The entire experience was a nightmare. One of, if not the worst of my life. After leaving I was and am definitely still suicidal.

 

My mother throws a fit any time I try and tell her about any of my problems and it really makes me feel horrible.

Look, I don't ever feel suicidal over my tinnitus, and my life was always FUBAR'd since I was a child and tinnitus just was another big "fuck you" from life and I know the feeling of not wanting to exist because life is just too much to bear. I do understand how you fell man. I can't condone suicide, but I also can't judge you for what you feel. Sorry to hear about your wife man.

 

Oh my god.

 

Wow @GoatSheep, what an extraordinary account! I'm happy to hear you made it out, but unforunately--from what I can gather--not without various kinds of scars (which I hope can heal over time).

I'll just mention, I got my tinnitus from a single dose of an anti-nausea medication given to me in the ER, but wasn't told it was initially formulated as an antipsychotic drug--AND--had the potential to induce psychotic episodes. I don't know if that's what happened to me, but what I experienced was something at least resembling it. I awoke the following morning with not only screeching, unbearable tinnitus, but had thoughts/images/emotions, etc, racing through my system at about 20-30x the normal pace. [More details HERE].

Even in that state however, I intuitively knew I didn't dare go back to the ER, as they would almost assuredly size me up as someone being "appropriate material" for a psychiatric institution. Though I suspected at the time I was being overly cynical, your story makes me realize I was probably not too far off the mark. Had I been forced into the experiences you describe, I honestly don't think I'd have survived. That you did, and are now able to write about it, stands as a testimony to your resilience--something I hope will serve you well as you move forward on this uncertain path.

All the best to you, and take good care!

 

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that. So much of that is incredibly unethical. I've heard of people going into psych facilities and coming out with PTSD from the experience alone. It scares me because at the times I'm at my worst, I used to always think "well, the psych ward is a last resort at least" but I've heard so many horror stories. The private pay facilities are tens of thousands of dollars which is gonna be out of the average person's budget--where are we supposed to go?

 

I have in this thread already. Ty for not keeping up.

 

I read through your post in the other thread. Sounds like your ordeal was drastically worse than mine. My heart goes out to you man.