Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. HootOwl

      HootOwl Member Benefactor

      Location:
      California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Explanation in About You
      Hey everyone...I’m trying to hold in here. I know I have a few years left in me but I’ve since discovered (after trying to listen to more music) that what I thought was severe reactive tinnitus is actually severe frequency distortion probably within the 100-2k hz range. I think only one of the whistles is reactive and even then it might still just be frequency distortion. That one is really fucking annoying and I’d be elated to be rid of it since it rides everything.

      Speech and high frequency sounds still sound completely normal, so I doubt there’s little if any damage up there. When I do a sweep test the distortion is especially prominent between 1-1.5k.

      Apparently right at onset I listened to the same song over and over (because I found that particular song very comforting) and now I’m realizing it didn’t have any of my distorted frequencies inside of it. So I thought all music by default was still fine.

      But I’ve been branching out listening to all of my old music and I would say 90% of it sounds completely wrong, and it’s always the same damn note (or couple of notes) that sound horrible. I don’t know which note it is exactly but it’s probably part of a common chord. I’ll find an odd song here and there that’s completely normal but then the spiral begins again knowing it’s only a small handful. I confirmed this when listening to Hey Brother by avicii and at the first chorus where you should hear this large deep rich swell of a note I heard a glassy hollow, echo resonance tone swell instead, not reacting to the correct tone, but completely in place of it....swelling exactly where it should be. Now all the white noise type overlays inside of traffic, road noise, fans, AC, toilet flushing makes sense...several of the low frequency distortion in broadband noise are completely screwing with the sound...

      And just all these little reminders throughout the day...a call dropped for me and instead of hearing a clear “beep beep beep”, it was a “rrr rrr rrr” instead. Almost broke down.

      I’m just so scared. I’m scared nothing will help me. I’m only 28. I can deal with my tinnitus - it’s somewhat loud - id put it at moderate (probably takes 65-75 dbs to mask), but it pales in comparison to the distortion and loss of music/environmental ambiance. I’m worried I’ll be left behind to languish as others begin to see improvement, probably even near complete alleviation of their tinnitus from the drugs/devices that are coming on the market in the next 5 years...and here I’ll be...possibly with no tinnitus (which night not even happen...) but no more joy because I can’t hear the world properly.

      I try to remain positive and post in the research threads, and I have so much confidence that a majority of people on these forums will be tinnitus free or tinnitus reduced in the upcoming years. And then I think about my case...and the distortion...and I just start to feel this deep unyielding sadness. It’s not even anxiety, it’s just horrid resignation.

      I mostly sit in my quiet bedroom with crickets playing to cover my normal T and a light jazz coffee shop sound soundtrack that I have on loop with little to no distortion to mimic some sense of normalcy, but I can’t bear to watch TV/YouTube because every time there’s background music if it hits those distorted frequencies, it becomes unbearable.

      The last few days I’ve been trying to get down to the ocean in the early morning when the waves are very quiet and the distortion can be somewhat ignored and walk around, but it doesn’t do much for me once I get back into the car, and start hearing the distortion in the road noise once again.

      I’ve lost everything. My ears. My job. My joy. My life. My days just seem to drift by. I keep saying hold in there, you’ll be helped. They can fix this. Maybe not 100% but enough to get you back on your feet. To hear music somewhat normally again, to hear the environment somewhat normally again. But it’s so.fucking. hard.
       
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    2. Labyrinthine
      Balanced

      Labyrinthine Member Benefactor

      Location:
      The Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sex, drugs, and death metal
      This is really familiar & I feel the same way, everyday. And it is indeed incredibly fucking hard and exhausting. For me, it's not so much the distortion, but my complete inability to hear sounds without severe pain lingering for days, if not longer. There's nothing to do about it at the moment, which is really disheartening. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I really wish things were differently for all of us. I will remain wishful, I hope you can too.
       
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    3. keka
      Heartbroken

      keka Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold
      I have to do something. I can't deal with my parents anymore. I'm afraid that they will send me to a mental hospital because they think I'm seriously ill.

      The thing is, they wanted me to go with them today to visit one man who helps people get better through God, something like that. Even though I'm not much of a ''believer'', I said I will do it because of them. Just 5 minutes into the car ride my ears began feeling uncomfortable and my T immediately spiked (I even had my foam earplugs in), so I started panicking and begging them to return me to the house and that they should go visit that man by themselves. I've really tried to endure it but the sound of the car engine was so loud and bothersome, I couldn't take it anymore. I can't risk another permanent spike. To conclude I got punched in the arm while I had my earplugs in (nasty occlusion) and my T is spiking like crazy. I said some things in the fit of rage. Should I be blamed for that? Atleast I plugged my ears when my mother was yelling at me and that's a one good thing about this horror show today.

      I know they love me, but no matter how hard I try to explain myself and how much my reactive tinnitus bothers me, they refuse to try to understand. I am not a lunatic! My feelings are a natural reaction to this malady, it's not my choice. How the fuck can it be my choice, I'm dying to be able to go somewhere normal without being tortured by the spike for 2 weeks or something. I feel like I'm being punished for something. It almost feels surreal, this entire experience. I know acceptance is the key and I'm trying so hard only to end up in a dead end street. I wanna live but this is not the way. I wanna change something but I don't know how. I apologize to all of those who read my pathetic rant.
       
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    4. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      You don't have to apologize. I suggest telling your parents that you will only consider their suggestions on the condition that they don't yell at you - no matter what.

      Did you tell them about Tinnitus Talk? Did you tell them that they can find articles about people with tinnitus committing suicide because of the tinnitus volume/pitch/noise?

      The problem of the noise is real and it's not strictly a mental issue. Tell your parents that the tinnitus is invisible and that it's still there and that if they cared, they would try to understand or at least believe that it's affecting you.

      I suggest to use ear plugs or muffs if normal noise bothers your ears. It was nice of you that you tried to appease your parents' requests but I would mention everyone here is always praying but almost no one has had a prayer answered yet. I would tell your parents that if you go anywhere, it should be for a good reason and that you can pray at home.

      Don't get into any needless fights or arguments though especially if others are unreasonable.
       
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    5. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      There's no good country anymore.

      Canada and others have turned to shit. Don't trust those lying sources that conclude that Canada or any other is high quality of life. Once you have a serious health issue, you are neglected and the country practices favoritism.
       
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    6. keka
      Heartbroken

      keka Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold

      I told them everything you wrote, many times. I've read them some of the posts from this thread. Every time I get the same answer ''you are not a doctor'' etc. That's pretty much it. I know they're trying to help me but they're doing it the wrong way. Besides tinnitus now I'll have to endure my mother giving me the cold shoulder for 10 days atleast. It hurts.
       
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    7. all to gain
      No Mood

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      never trust a doctor
      @keka

      I've been threatened before with mental hospital! Not nice!! People just can't believe that something could be this bad, so it must be only down to the person's mental state. But of course this is nonsense. Tinnitus is the devil in disguise. It can drive the most sane man to do the most insane of things.

      Are you parents super religious? Where I am a lot of people put faith in Baba Vanga and still believe in her.

      Your situation is complicated as you are at the mercy of your parents really. Do you have brother and sisters at home? Do any of your family understand your position? Do any of your family know good Engish like you? The more you can educate them on the subject, the better. But it is hard if they simply do not believe something could be so horrid as tinnitus.
       
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    8. HootOwl

      HootOwl Member Benefactor

      Location:
      California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Explanation in About You
      I’m so sorry Lab, can you listen to music at very low volume? Does that keep the pain down even a little?
       
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    9. Labyrinthine
      Balanced

      Labyrinthine Member Benefactor

      Location:
      The Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sex, drugs, and death metal
      Unfortunately, no... I think my LDLs are literally 0 at the moment, if not negative. Simple things like whispering (let alone talking), or taking a shower are virtually impossible. Haven't heard my own voice for months & taking a shower with plugs and muffs even for two minutes gives me a lot of pain. I didn't mean to hijack your post btw. I merely wanted to express my concern and tell you that you're not alone.
       
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    10. Harley

      Harley Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      I'm sorry to say this again, but the people who call themselves your parents seem either extremely uncaring, ignorant or stupid.
      Possibly a combination of all of the above.

      You don't need to be a doctor to know, that something is bothering you.
      Tinnitus and hyperacusis is invisible, same as a tooth pain for example.

      If they really need to hear it from a doctor, any doctor can tell them that as of right now, there is no cure (or effective treatment) for either Tinnitus or Hyperacusis.
      Or they can just look it up on the internet, as it takes about 2 minutes.

      My concern is, that the longer you stay with these people, the worse are things going to get for you.
      Is there no other family or friends, that you can stay with?
       
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    11. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Tell them most of the posts here are talking about real doctors not being able to help. We all have to be our own doctors and all we do is just wing it. The more severe the tinnitus, the worse it is for trying to treat. In summary, it doesn't matter if we're not doctors. Doctors are no better. All they can do is prescribe meds that don't treat the tinnitus.
       
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    12. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      I talked to a girl who has similar problems with family. Don't forget most are young and don't have much of a support system - if you don't have money, you are at their mercy.

      Even supportive family members are not always helpful since they can't relate or know what to do. But, some family members go into what I call "denial mode" - it's easier to assign mental illness to the person since it's an invisible condition and they can't relate in any way. It's even worse when they resist any education or information about tinnitus. What is one supposed to do about that? Especially when it's a young person?
       
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    13. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Forgive me if my advice sucks. My tinnitus tones are really loud and high pitched right now. The tinnitus usually is but it seemed a little lower last time I took the dog out. I don't know if it counts as minor fluctuation or not. It's still not good enough.

      I think Tinnitus Talk, BTA, hearing associations and organizations should consult somehow about releasing something official about how doctors can't help directly affect tinnitus and that governments need to support tinnitus financially because what else can be done? Nothing. The CBT and TRT treatments don't reduce or improve tinnitus. People with really severe tinnitus are suffering and this is ignored. Families don't understand and the tinnitus sufferer is left alone to try and explain their condition to people. It's not right.
       
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    14. HootOwl

      HootOwl Member Benefactor

      Location:
      California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Explanation in About You
      No no no. Dude no. We’re all suffering together. In no way was this hijacking. Please never think that. We need to hang in together until some of these treatments make it to market. I’m not going to give up, not when we’re so damn close.
       
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    15. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your ears. My folks were not supportive of my situation and my father used to turn up the radio and he would just laugh when I covered my ears. He never took interest in my pain and my suffering. Family dinners would be filled with loud radio every night. I tried many times to open up and be honest, and eventually I got the message that it was a losing effort.

      I stopped having dinner with my folks and it was the only choice I had. I have had to make a lot of tough choices, it was all for the best interest of my ears and my mental health. I distanced myself from ANYONE that would not respect my situation. It did not matter if they were family or friends, If no one had compassion for my issues, they were gone from my scene.

      It was a bit drastic, but it was the only way I could deal with it. People would laugh and say "It's in your head", and they would not care about my situation. You have to think about your situation and DO what is best for YOU. Tinnitus can make our lives very complicated, we need to do ALL we can to make it easier on ourselves. At the end of the day only YOU/ME/US/WE will truly have our best interests at heart.
       
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    16. Labyrinthine
      Balanced

      Labyrinthine Member Benefactor

      Location:
      The Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sex, drugs, and death metal
      There are definitely some great things on the horizon for tinnitus. I wish I could say the same for hyperacusis, though. Don't get me wrong, Hyperacusis Research and other researchers have made great strides in unraveling the underlying mechanisms of hyperacusis over the years, but there are no ongoing clinical trials for hyperacusis at the moment. I have my hopes set on FX-322, but there's no guarantee that it will benefit hyperacusis (or tinnitus). Only time will tell, I guess.
       
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    17. HootOwl

      HootOwl Member Benefactor

      Location:
      California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Explanation in About You
      Forgive me if I’m incorrect, but isn't synaptopathy on the 5% of type 2 pain sensing afferent neurons descending to the OHC thought to be the culprit? If this is the case I truly believe Pipeline or Hough might actually be holding what could be considered true hyperacusis treatment and we don’t even know it.
       
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    18. Ctw
      Depressed

      Ctw Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Where??
       
    19. Backpacker

      Backpacker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      SSHL
      @Harley Not that this is gonna help you with anything, but if your doctor actually said that out loud, OK. Instead of "We don't have a treatment for your problem" the answers are usually different. It starts with "It's not a problem" or "My ears ring, too", and it goes untill "Your reaction to tinnitus is the problem and you should see a therapist". ("Why would I admit I can't help when I can just blame it on someone else")
       
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    20. all to gain
      No Mood

      all to gain Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      June 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      never trust a doctor
      I hate it when doctors come out with this one. I'm sure some do have tinnitus, but I'll bet that the majority who say this don't. My doctor said he's had it for 30 years. I say bollocks.
       
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    21. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      Like what?
       
    22. keka
      Heartbroken

      keka Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      cold

      The last ENT I've been to said that there is a ''cure for tinnitus'' and mentioned to my parents how my ''fragile emotional state is the real problem'' since it's really not a big deal. Now, they would rather believe the doctor than me. He also recommended tinnitus maskers.
       
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    23. Labyrinthine
      Balanced

      Labyrinthine Member Benefactor

      Location:
      The Netherlands
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sex, drugs, and death metal
      Frankly, it has been a while since I studied these mechanisms in depth. In recent years, research has found solid evidence that type II afferent neurons in the inner ear function as nociceptors, or pain sensing neurons. These neurons travel along the vestibulocochlear nerve to the brain stem (if I recall correctly: to the cochlear nucleus), after which these nerves ascend to the brain (primary auditory cortex & possibly, other parts of the brain too). The current hypothesis is that damaged outer hair cells and supporting cells leak ATP, a chemical messenger, which seems to activate these type II afferent neurons, which induces ear pain a.k.a. auditory nociception.

      There is also evidence, though, that the brain and brain stem play their part in the different types of hyperacusis. Research has shown neuroinflammation in the brain stem & hyperactivity in the entire auditory system that may also contribute to hyperacusis. Hence, H can be categorized as both a central and a peripheral disorder. I think that H most likely starts out in the inner ear and central parts of the nervous system subsequently adapt to the 'new' situation in a pathological fashion. Needless to say, I could be wrong.

      The reason why I have my hopes set on Fx-322 is because it would regenerate/replace those damaged OHCs which, in theory, could prevent them from leaking ATP and therefore stop the activation of type II afferent neurons (REDEMPTION!). Consequently, central parts of the brain may possibly 'revert' back to old settings, ultimately ameliorating our quality of life. Unfortunately, this is just a theory and many bald assumptions.

      Furthermore, it has been speculated that pain H is, at least in part, neuropathic, which means that it could share some common features with other centralized pain disorders (so called central sensitization). In practice, pain H could eventually rewrite parts of the central nervous system, making our ear pain (semi-)permanent even though the original cause (damaged OHCs) has been fixed. This has not been proven, though, and further research is warranted.
       
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    24. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      @keka

      You're welcome to eat at my place, nobody ever bother you.
       
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    25. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      @Greg Sacramento,
      Sorry to bother you but I am feeling very anxious about my appointment on Friday.

      I have three main concerns:
      A) tinnitus severity - being forced to sit in a chair with this loud ringing. It is worse depending on the severity at the time of the appointment. Most likely it's as bad as usual.
      B) drilling and breaks - 5 second breaks? Drilling duration no longer than a minute but try for 30 to 40 seconds or less? Or what? :(
      C) pain after the freezing wears off.
      What kind of medication is a client allowed to get? I mean, how strong is it allowed to be? I haven't ever got anything from the dentist but I want something this time. It's 2 fillings this time, not 1. Do I need it from a doctor because nothing is open on Saturday. I am not waiting in a full day clinic!

      Part of me wants to cancel but it's probably a bad idea.

      If anyone else reading this has insight on dental visits, feel free to comment.

      I also had an itch after the procedure and couldn't do anything because my chin was so numb. I really don't want to go. :(
       
    26. ajc

      ajc Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2002; spike 2009; worse 2017-18
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music - noise damage
      You probably don't need a dentist visit if you're going to off yourself anyway.
       
    27. HootOwl

      HootOwl Member Benefactor

      Location:
      California
      Tinnitus Since:
      2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Explanation in About You
      Dude wtf
       
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    28. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Until I do, I need to alleviate suffering and avoid potential problems while I'm still here. Understand?
       
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    29. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      It's okay. I have read worse replies than that.
       
    30. just1morething
      Benevolent

      just1morething Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      It started
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad luck
      Do you ever have a "good day"? I had horrible hissing yesterday but am better today. I used saline water and an EarPopper to clean out eustachian tube mucus. Also using better RIC hearing aids. I'm thinking the rinse did the most good.
       
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