Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. acute
      Depressed

      acute Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music. Stress, meds, Invisalign ?
      Trying Lenire is what stops me for making an attempt but I'm completely convinced that I want to off myself and I eventually will. The thing is that I still don't know when I’ll do it. And I am tired of waiting in hell.

      I ate three kind of pills in order to put me sleep and stop the panic attack but I’m still here, awake, and it’s fucking loud and I’m fucking suffering it.

      I think I will die young thanks to this malady. Thank you fucking tinnitus, for ruining my life. Fuck you.
       
      • Hug Hug x 10
      • Like Like x 1
    2. just1morething
      Benevolent

      just1morething Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      It started
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad luck
      It's always better to be positive and hopeful. I know how those really bad days are though. They seem almost unbelievable. My head was hissing something fierce yesterday.

      Have you tried hearing aids? They might help your brain fill in missing inputs plus magnify external sounds to cover up your noise. The BTE one's are not very noticeable.
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
    3. MRItechssuck
      Disappointed

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Mild 2000-2018 sev 10/17/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      Lenire, Michigan, then the drugs in the pipeline. Time will help... but I wish I could say something to help with your anxiety... the younger you are the more pliable your brain will be.

      There are people worse off.... in wheelchairs, etc... so try to keep that in perspective... and I’m not minimizing your hell... tinnitus is hell... I just don’t want anyone to give up.

      Good luck.
       
      • Like Like x 2
    4. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Can you describe your tinnitus? Is it multi tonal or pure tone? How loud is it? I just can't watch your YouTube... and you never know, Lenire might work for you! Miracles have been known to happen in the tinnitus world.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    5. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Depends how you define a good day. I say no. A good day to me is it lowering to a volume level in which I think I could work and not getting any worse - and lasting for most if not the entire day.

      Instead, my tinnitus might fluctuate from 10/10 to 8/10 and then goes back to 10/10 severity in the evening. It did that today but I don't consider that a good day.

      What volume level do you consider a good day? 4/10 and below?
       
    6. Kriszti

      Kriszti Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2016/2017/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      I am so fed up with everything today. After 7 weeks I still can't sleep. Once I got 5 hours, but I'm back to 2-3 hours in pieces and I should be studying for like 8+ hours a day in a field which I absolutely loathe. I can't concentrate at all. To top that, I started to experience that instruments in music sound distorted. This devastates me beyond belief. I just hate what my life has become. Isolated, depressed, sleep deprived and this damn noise. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. I'm just not strong enough to get used to this shit, and I just screw up everyone else's mood and life around me too.
       
      • Hug Hug x 10
    7. Harley

      Harley Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      I strongly disagree.
      Before Tinnitus, I always thought that ending up in the wheelchair is one if the the worst things that can happen to someone.

      I no longer think so, as I would happily trade the wheelchair for silence inside my head.
      And I'm not trying to exaggerate to make a point.

      If someone offered me such a trade, I would be extatic.
      Sure I would have mobility issues, but getting on disability would be a breeze, as nobody in their right mind would question me, along with my mental health and my attitude such as is the case with Tinnitus.

      Then I could at least enjoy small things, like feeding the ducks by the pond, beautiful sunsets, reading a book..etc

      The ability to sleep and relax is the very foundation of our well being.
      When Tinnitus strips them both away via permanent 24/7 torture with no relief or a possibility to escape it (other than suicide), there is really nothing left.
      Nothing but a sub-human, extreme survival nightmare existence, that is completelly void of any joy or happiness.

      So I would be carefull with presenting the wheelchair as the worse case scenario from Tinnitus.
       
      • Agree Agree x 10
      • Hug Hug x 4
      • Like Like x 1
      • Winner Winner x 1
    8. MRItechssuck
      Disappointed

      MRItechssuck Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Mild 2000-2018 sev 10/17/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise, MRI
      I’m not minimizing anyone’s torture here...

      I didn’t present being in a wheelchair “as a worse case,” it is one of many horrific things people live through. You misread it, I put “wheelchairs, etc.” but you bit off on that part.

      It was a generalization, because I want everyone to deal with tinnitus and live...sorry if I offended you.

      “My main diagnosis's are as follows although most of them are complications of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (a rare connective tissue disorder), Postural tachycardia syndrome, Gastroparesis, Intestinal dysmotility, Mast Cell Activation Disorder, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Heart Murmur, SVT and a few more. I am currently fed via a feeding tube which goes into my intestines because my stomach is paralysed and I can't digest food properly. I will do seperate posts on my chronic illness in the future but for now, that is pretty much the basic's of my journey so far and what led me to want to make a Blog.“

      https://www.amyleefisher.com/single-post/2018/06/18/My-First-Post-Welcome

      On disability you 100% correct, could I sue the MRI technician if I was in a wheelchair versus tinnitus....Yes.

      My $.02,

      I hope tomorrow is a better day...
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
    9. Harley

      Harley Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      No offense taken, as I know that you didn't mean it in a bad way.
      I just wanted to provide some context on the wheelchair part.
      All good here.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
      • Like Like x 1
    10. just1morething
      Benevolent

      just1morething Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      It started
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad luck
      I suppose yeah. Mine seems to be really bad or really good. I was thinking it was related to my neck possibly or maybe ETD. I can't seem to put 2 good days together. Awakening from a nap or overnight sleep resets my noise to a very high level.
       
    11. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection

      I think VAD at Pegasos will be the way forward for me. I can't talk my wife around to going along with it, so I'm just going to have tell her this is my choice. She can be smart about it and be left with my pensions etc or she can throw a wobbler and divorce me and get left without it.

      Way I see it, its a opportunity to tie up loose ends, say what you want to say to each other, make your peace with God and go with dignity rather that die in a muddy forest, in pain only to leave people traumatized and your ending appearing in the local news and on Facebook (where some twat will post shit), like I nearly did 7 or 8 weeks ago.

      All the best.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    12. ajc

      ajc Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2002; spike 2009; worse 2017-18
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music - noise damage
      Will Pegasos euthanize people with only tinnitus? Dignitas won't.

      I'm afraid Swiss doctors won't give the green light for tinnitus only...
       
    13. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Sounds odd to me.

      If I by some miracle, get lots of sleep - won't be quality - but enough straight hours, my t can be lower in volume and intensity. Not a lot but it is noticeable. If, I don't get enough sleep, then the tinnitus is extremely loud and high crazy intensity.

      I won't relief for long after waking up from a decent sleep duration but there's a difference between sleeping from midnight to 9am and sleeping from 3am to 8am.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    14. valeri

      valeri Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2011
      Nobody will understand your decision, nobody unless in your shoes. This would be my choice too if available.

      Sure we deserve some f....g dignity in death at least, since in life we have been stripped off of all pleasure and happiness and simple things normal people enjoy!

      Surviving is not living!
       
      • Agree Agree x 7
      • Hug Hug x 3
    15. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      As usual, it is worse later on the evening it goes. My left ear is in pain again which makes everything worse.

      The ringing is so loud. I don't want to be alive with this. I wish euthanasia was legal. I am afraid I am just going to decide to off myself suddenly whether I plan it out methodically or just try a method.

      I am wasting time just suffering because suicide would end the torment. I have absolutely no enjoyment whatsoever.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    16. mrbrightside614

      mrbrightside614 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      July 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown; acoustic trauma/hyperacusis/sshl
      Are you on any meds for sleep? I cannot sleep naturally anymore but getting on something that at least eats the hours away from painful conscious existence has been helpful.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    17. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Mark me - you will habituate one day, and you will be thankful for it.
       
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 3
    18. Mark A
      Wishful

      Mark A Member

      Location:
      California, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/05/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise exposure
      I too wish I was not alive with this insane loud tinnitus. I wish every day to die. I will not commit suicide, but hope for a heart attack, car accident, lightning strike, anything to get me out of the misery. I just can't see being tortured like this for decades to come. I have habituated many times, but as it continuously gets louder and louder for no apparent reason, it seems no longer realistic to habituate anymore. It is so loud, I feel dizzy and light headed. The more I wish for relieve, the more it bothers me. I feel bad for all those who care for me as they suffer to. Praying for all those suffering with this stuff and for a cure.
       
      • Hug Hug x 11
      • Agree Agree x 2
    19. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      I spoke to my wife today and she is vehemently against the idea of VAD. Her belief is that VAD should only be applied if you're terminally ill.

      If not... fucking suck it up and suffer it which is all well and good when you can sit in silence whenever you like.

      I'm making enquiries with Pegasos to see if not having a supportive network behind you is an issue.
       
      • Winner Winner x 1
      • Informative Informative x 1
    20. acute
      Depressed

      acute Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music. Stress, meds, Invisalign ?
      Did you habituate?

      Thankful why?
       
    21. Harley

      Harley Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      I'm 100% sure that if your wife got what you have, she would change her tune rather quickly.
       
      • Agree Agree x 3
    22. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      So would I, but you know what 'it's just a noise' types are like.

      Spoke to my parents about it. Apparently I'm insane and shouldn't spend €10,000 on a dignified exit. Just commit suicide instead as it's cheaper. My father is a stupid old bastard.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    23. valeri

      valeri Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2011
      I doubt that would be a problem, you’re an adult and of sane mind to make your own decisions.
      Family members in general are probably hardly ever jumping with joy when faced with something like this, I guess not many people will have family support.

      Please let us know what they say.
       
    24. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      You will be thankful you chose to live.

      Yes I habituated but all it takes is to let your guard down once and you wanna off yourself once again....

      Hell maybe you're right and life is not worth living like this, but I promise you will stop wanting to kill yourself within 2 years or less.
       
      • Like Like x 2
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    25. FGG

      FGG Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Multi-factorial
      Sorry to hear they were so cold. Most people unless they are faced with this themselves just wouldn't understand. My own mother told me I should eat good food and look at birds. At least I have my legs!

      I looked into this myself. Dignitas, at least, requires a year's notice and psychological evaluation. I used this information to explain to people that it was not a knee jerk idea and would be decided with the help of professionals. I even found one friend willing to go with me.

      In my case, I wasn't allowed to apply until my divorce was final. My ex was/is a self centered douchebag who left me for being "inconsolable" over losing so much functional hearing--a few months into the ordeal no less. This is after he first accused me of making up my symptoms because "how could people with hearing loss hear some things louder?" Or have so many ear symptoms in general.

      He told everyone that would listen that I must have developed a mental illness after my recent miscarriage. During this time, he also neglected me and would disappear a lot, sometimes for days. When he was around, he wouldn't touch me or even sit next to me on the sofa anymore and told me daily how selfish I was to "wallow" in suffering because that meant I was only thinking about myself. He would even (literally) yell at me for crying, telling me constant tears couldn't be real and also told me I was a mental lost cause who didn't put a "real" effort into things like CBT and positivity or developing new hobbies.

      I bring him up because, for all of that, he indirectly saved my life. Not that he would care in the least. He would have had to sign off on my suicide and go with me unless we were divorced (takes a long time in my state) so that bought me time to regain hope in the form of upcoming regenerative medicine.

      I hope you get the same hope. I believe they will solve rebuilding the cochlea, and the brain responding will follow. I'm not talking about masking or TRT but fixing the underlying pathology. I believe if you can hang on until that day, you will not regret it. That time left free from this pain will be worth it. I really believe that.

      But ultimately, it is your choice.

      I was previously a veterinarian. I know there is a time to consider quality of life above all. But if you choose to do it on your terms, with dignity, and hopefully a friend or two around, screw anyone who doesn't understand. But maybe the one year waiting period would buy you just a bit more time to see hope in regenerative therapy.

      Regardless, (hug) to you and everyone facing the fear of it never getting better and the very difficult days every day. I think our time will come again through medical science. I just wish it didn't take so long.
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
      • Like Like x 3
      • Winner Winner x 1
    26. TheDanishGirl
      Sad

      TheDanishGirl Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2017 (H since 06/2017)
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      long term noise exposure (headphones), maybe some stress.
      You can't make promises.
       
      • Agree Agree x 3
    27. acute
      Depressed

      acute Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music. Stress, meds, Invisalign ?
      I do not want to sound rude or anything like that but if "being used to it" or "habituate" means to continue entering this forum daily, writting in a thread called "Suicide" and stuff... seems that this "habituation thing" is not to move on with your life. It seems insufficient.

      If being habituated is to continue entering a thread of suicide in a disease forum, seem to me like you have not moved on with your life and you are still focused on this tinnitus beast. I don't want to reffer to your specific case, but in general terms of this infamous "habituation".

      I think I'm not interested in that kind of life and it's fine as an option.

      There are people in this same forum who have been with tinnitus for +5 years and they don't seem very happy and full of joyfull like in their "previous life".

      And off yourself it's not a bad thing per se, just an option that should be available to everyone who suffers and required this.

      Sorry for my bad english tho.
       
      • Agree Agree x 4
      • Hug Hug x 2
    28. just1morething
      Benevolent

      just1morething Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      It started
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Bad luck
      @acute, maybe try Tinnitus Mix. The only thing you got to lose is your noise. I’m trying it as a last resort. A kindle book I read said to play pink or white noise for 8 hours/day. I had tinnitus for years and haven’t habituated.
       
      • Like Like x 1
      • Hug Hug x 1
    29. DaveFromChicago

      DaveFromChicago Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Headcold/Flu
      This will be my sixth year with this and without question it has been emotionally the most difficult.

      I have used up every capacity for habituation, belief in a truly effective treatment, and expectation that this will go away all by itself.

      This all-consuming frustration has rendered me in a continual state of lassitude and even exhaustion.

      Like a huge magnetic force it has appropriated all of the energy that formerly I applied to enthusiasm for living.

      A man I worked with lost 12 pounds in one month and went to the doctor. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died within the year.

      If I had not had this tinnitus condition, and been diagnosed with this, it would have been catastrophic.

      With this condition, however, I would have felt liberated, and regarded such a cancer as a natural form of euthanasia.

      I would have been provided with all of the morphine and fentanyl necessary to devolve into an ultimately tinnitus-free state.

      Living like this reminds me of Nietzsche's comment that humanity is stepping across a tightrope suspended over an abyss.

      2020 will be some sort of a Year of Decision for me.
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
      • Agree Agree x 4
    30. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      Further comms from Pegasos... they'd prefer it if your partner was happy to go along with it, reason being some bereaved people have gone after them in court but apparently they have successfully defended claims.

      If you have depression, you'd need to be checked by a psychiatrist to make sure your mental capacity to decide to go through with it wasn't based on the depression.

      Me personally? Well I'm torn between my own torturous existence and ending it and leaving two children fatherless and a wife without a husband. It might be worth me waiting until they are young adults, which is another 8 - 10 years. Perhaps in that time hearing regeneration will be available or even a specific cure for tinnitus.

      All I know is the prospect of dying like a dog in a muddy forest is fucking scary. I'd much prefer something dignified and respectful. If I'd known then what I know now I would have offed myself at the start, rather than bring children into the world to dump my shit on. They make it so much harder.

      In the meantime I'm still hoping on a massive cardiac arrest in my sleep or some other swift terminal disease.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
      • Agree Agree x 1

Share This Page

Loading...