Suicidal

[Scruffiey]

Sigh… back to hoping for a terminal diagnosis, or wondering at what point my family might understand if I choose to go to Dignitas. I want to live, even if only for a short while, as long as it can be lived fully and with some certainty. The potential cures that once gave me hope no longer seem like they are going to be a good fit for me.

I was never particularly enthusiastic about life even before tinnitus and hyperacusis, but at least I could still dream of a better future. I could take a holiday now and then, enjoy a meal at a restaurant with family, or have a normal conversation without worrying that my ears would feel like open wounds the next day or suddenly decide to increase their ringing to unbearable levels.

I never wanted much—just a peaceful life. I wanted to take in the quiet beauty of the world, to have a cup of coffee with a kind face once a week, and someone to share a bed with at night. Now life feels like an exercise in endless, lonely suffering, only to spare others a temporary kind of pain.

What am I really holding on for? Thirty more years of waiting, just to maybe get ten good years if a cure finally arrives? And by then, the people I held on for may already be gone, or soon will be?

 

[Theezy]

Eleven years ago, when I first got tinnitus, it did not bother me much beyond an initial couple of days of research and panic. I continued living my life and was able to follow the dreaded advice, "you'll learn to ignore it." I was more careful with noise exposure, without overprotecting, but it kept getting worse over the years. Hyperacusis also crept in, even though I was not overprotecting at that stage and was not letting the condition affect my life very much at all.

It was always gradually worsening. I had some tests and imaging done, but nothing abnormal showed up, so I went back to living my life and doing my best to ignore it. Then, three years ago, I had a really rough setback that brought me back here. My moderate tinnitus and hyperacusis had already been a bit of a nuisance for my job and any focused work, but I managed to push through it. Now my brain feels fried. I cut out alcohol, salt, and caffeine. I do not smoke and do not take any medications. I have tried sound therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, and regular therapy. Nothing has helped the overall downward trend.

In real life, I am actually a very positive person, and I believe that mindset is what got me this far. But honestly, this has broken me. This thread is the only place I feel like I can post, because there seems to be a strange stigma around cases that keep getting worse. It feels like many people want to blame us for our conditions. I promise you, I have tried everything, but for some reason, I am one of the unfortunate ones. I just wish people could understand how cruel this condition can become, without having to experience it themselves.

For what it is worth, I worked my job until my once very healthy brain became overwhelmed by the noise. Now I freelance part time, but lately I have not even been able to manage that with how severe the tinnitus and hyperacusis have become.

If you are new to tinnitus and hyperacusis and are reading this, please do not be scared. The vast majority of cases improve significantly, and people go on to live mostly unaffected lives after an initial rough period. Unfortunately for me, it never improved.

This is both a vent and a bit of a cry for help. It has been a decade of worsening, and I am so far past my breaking point that I genuinely do not know what to do anymore.

 

[Tweaker]

Eleven years ago, when I first got tinnitus, it did not bother me much beyond an initial couple of days of research and panic. I continued living my life and was able to follow the dreaded advice, "you'll learn to ignore it." I was more careful with noise exposure, without overprotecting, but it kept getting worse over the years. Hyperacusis also crept in, even though I was not overprotecting at that stage and was not letting the condition affect my life very much at all.

It was always gradually worsening. I had some tests and imaging done, but nothing abnormal showed up, so I went back to living my life and doing my best to ignore it. Then, three years ago, I had a really rough setback that brought me back here. My moderate tinnitus and hyperacusis had already been a bit of a nuisance for my job and any focused work, but I managed to push through it. Now my brain feels fried. I cut out alcohol, salt, and caffeine. I do not smoke and do not take any medications. I have tried sound therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, and regular therapy. Nothing has helped the overall downward trend.

In real life, I am actually a very positive person, and I believe that mindset is what got me this far. But honestly, this has broken me. This thread is the only place I feel like I can post, because there seems to be a strange stigma around cases that keep getting worse. It feels like many people want to blame us for our conditions. I promise you, I have tried everything, but for some reason, I am one of the unfortunate ones. I just wish people could understand how cruel this condition can become, without having to experience it themselves.

For what it is worth, I worked my job until my once very healthy brain became overwhelmed by the noise. Now I freelance part time, but lately I have not even been able to manage that with how severe the tinnitus and hyperacusis have become.

If you are new to tinnitus and hyperacusis and are reading this, please do not be scared. The vast majority of cases improve significantly, and people go on to live mostly unaffected lives after an initial rough period. Unfortunately for me, it never improved.

This is both a vent and a bit of a cry for help. It has been a decade of worsening, and I am so far past my breaking point that I genuinely do not know what to do anymore.

I can relate to your story, @Theezy. Mine has also unfortunately worsened over time, despite doing my best. I still manage to work full time, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have had tinnitus for 15 years, so I understand your pain.

Mine worsened significantly after COVID and some ENT tests. I try not to dwell on the causes of my worsened tinnitus because it is what it is today. I only pray that one day there will be a treatment that actually helps, and I try to keep on fighting.

 

[Theezy]

I can relate to your story, @Theezy. Mine has also unfortunately worsened over time, despite doing my best. I still manage to work full time, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have had tinnitus for 15 years, so I understand your pain.

Mine worsened significantly after COVID and some ENT tests. I try not to dwell on the causes of my worsened tinnitus because it is what it is today. I only pray that one day there will be a treatment that actually helps, and I try to keep on fighting.

Thanks for the reply. I remember you from when I was on this site a couple of years ago.

The severe progression over the years has been incredibly draining. I am also hoping and praying for a treatment soon, for all of us. With the rapid advances in technology happening now, it actually seems possible.

 

[PeteJ]

Thanks for the reply. I remember you from when I was on this site a couple of years ago.

The severe progression over the years has been incredibly draining. I am also hoping and praying for a treatment soon, for all of us. With the rapid advances in technology happening now, it actually seems possible.

I would upvote you if I could. I am really pessimistic about it though. I probably should not comment, but I am also not here to tell people what to think.

I just remember when I first joined, and people were talking about the research, testing, and new technology. It was the only encouraging thing I had ever read or heard. Now, I have no hope left for it. As far as I know, there is no group, organization, or government entity that truly cares or is pushing for a real treatment for tinnitus, especially severe tinnitus.

There might be some kind of movement toward treating hearing loss, but at this point, it feels more like a distant dream or miracle than something real.

 

[vilebubbles]

Does anyone know if, when you apply for Pegasos or Dignitas, you have to do it within a certain time frame? Or can you apply and pay, then have your place secured for when it becomes too much?

 

[kingsfan]

Honestly, I'm about to throw in the towel. It has been over 4 years of this godawful noise. Now with this ultra-high pitch, I can't even explain it over the past 5 weeks now. I can't take it. I just need this ultra-high pitch to go away. I had just been able to start reading again. I can't take it. 4 years of being able to hand worsening after worsening, but none of it holds a candle to this ultra-high pitch. I can't do it. I have a Gabapentin refill coming up, and I think I'll just take the whole bottle. Earplugs are pointless. They will only protect you from modest noise. The outside world is way beyond that.

 

[PeteJ]

Honestly, I'm about to throw in the towel. It has been over 4 years of this godawful noise. Now with this ultra-high pitch, I can't even explain it over the past 5 weeks now. I can't take it. I just need this ultra-high pitch to go away. I had just been able to start reading again. I can't take it. 4 years of being able to hand worsening after worsening, but none of it holds a candle to this ultra-high pitch. I can't do it. I have a Gabapentin refill coming up, and I think I'll just take the whole bottle. Earplugs are pointless. They will only protect you from modest noise. The outside world is way beyond that.

I agree. My ear plugs are not enough when sirens and loud noise is near me - and I can't avoid it where I live.

I screwed up, too - I ran out of my usual ear plugs, and a friend gave me a large bag of different plugs - so I decided to try them - and one I put in my left ear caused pain and an 'ear canal problem' - and probably some Eustachian Tube Dysfunction issue (?) that hasn't healed yet - so far, almost one month now. There was only one day in which I thought it was almost better, and then it regressed, and it's really bad again.

I'm posting this because I am so desperate. Has anyone had this happen or something similar? I'm wondering how long it took until it healed/got better.

I don't know what to do. The doctor looked at it a week ago and couldn't see any problem. Are they useless? How can doctors not see anything if your inner ear is in such discomfort and pain?!?

I can't take this anymore. I also have a continuous spike, so I feel similar to you.

 

[Scruffiey]

I'm six months in now. I've been doing weekly therapy, trying to engage in hobbies I used to love, going out and 'living life', albeit in earplugs, and trying to fake it until I make it, searching for the glimmers of good in my situation.

And I just want it over, I don't enjoy anything, every time I go out with family I come home feeling even worse as I'll never have the peaceful life I had before, I look at everyone else around me enjoying themselves and chatting away from within my ear plugged isolation and feel a profound sadness.

I try to play a game, a hobby that would once take me out of the world 100%, and I'm not focusing on the story or enjoying myself, just trying to pass the day while constantly being distracted by my internal racket.

I take my camera out. I'm just taking photos because that's what I would have once done. There's no feeling there anymore; the shots are just things I think I should like. I look at the results like I would a stranger's holiday snaps.

I watch my favourite films and simply remember when I would have cracked a beer and enjoyed myself. Now, I can't even enjoy a drink without knowing the next day will be abject torture.

The therapist said we're just going in circles, that I "am fighting my new reality" and that they didn't ethically feel they could keep taking my money as they can't really help me, which was refreshingly honest.

We both agreed that we treat suffering animals that no longer enjoy life with more dignity than we do humans, though.

Had a tearful conversation with my mum, and while she's obviously heartbroken about it, knows I'm constantly miserable and if I need to end it rather than suffer indefinitely, said she'll understand and would probably do the same thing.

She's about the only thing I've been sticking around for. I try to encourage her to go out and enjoy her retirement after all she's been through, but I wonder if her seeing me suffer daily is worse for her mental health than me still being around for her...

I physically hate that this happened before I had been able to take her on trips she desperately wanted for us, and she had passed happily.

The only respite I still get is the odd day when, for some reason, I get maybe a few hours of manageable tinnitus. I briefly remember the comfort and relaxation I used to feel in life, but then waste most of it anticipating the return to the normal level. Yet I live in fear of losing those days, but I also know that constant level variation is probably making this whole situation even more impossible.

Not going to be today. I keep trying to find milestones to live for: the final series of a TV show, a game I've been waiting for, and my next birthday. I won't enjoy them and obviously I don't want to take such a route, but I can't see me being one of those people who come back after 3 years feeling like they've reclaimed life, I'm just trying to go as long as I can out of an evolutionary fear of the unknown and finding a route where I can pass with some dignity and comfort at home.

 

[Marcuso22]

I'm six months in now. I've been doing weekly therapy, trying to engage in hobbies I used to love, going out and 'living life', albeit in earplugs, and trying to fake it until I make it, searching for the glimmers of good in my situation.

And I just want it over, I don't enjoy anything, every time I go out with family I come home feeling even worse as I'll never have the peaceful life I had before, I look at everyone else around me enjoying themselves and chatting away from within my ear plugged isolation and feel a profound sadness.

I try to play a game, a hobby that would once take me out of the world 100%, and I'm not focusing on the story or enjoying myself, just trying to pass the day while constantly being distracted by my internal racket.

I take my camera out. I'm just taking photos because that's what I would have once done. There's no feeling there anymore; the shots are just things I think I should like. I look at the results like I would a stranger's holiday snaps.

I watch my favourite films and simply remember when I would have cracked a beer and enjoyed myself. Now, I can't even enjoy a drink without knowing the next day will be abject torture.

The therapist said we're just going in circles, that I "am fighting my new reality" and that they didn't ethically feel they could keep taking my money as they can't really help me, which was refreshingly honest.

We both agreed that we treat suffering animals that no longer enjoy life with more dignity than we do humans, though.

Had a tearful conversation with my mum, and while she's obviously heartbroken about it, knows I'm constantly miserable and if I need to end it rather than suffer indefinitely, said she'll understand and would probably do the same thing.

She's about the only thing I've been sticking around for. I try to encourage her to go out and enjoy her retirement after all she's been through, but I wonder if her seeing me suffer daily is worse for her mental health than me still being around for her...

I physically hate that this happened before I had been able to take her on trips she desperately wanted for us, and she had passed happily.

The only respite I still get is the odd day when, for some reason, I get maybe a few hours of manageable tinnitus. I briefly remember the comfort and relaxation I used to feel in life, but then waste most of it anticipating the return to the normal level. Yet I live in fear of losing those days, but I also know that constant level variation is probably making this whole situation even more impossible.

Not going to be today. I keep trying to find milestones to live for: the final series of a TV show, a game I've been waiting for, and my next birthday. I won't enjoy them and obviously I don't want to take such a route, but I can't see me being one of those people who come back after 3 years feeling like they've reclaimed life, I'm just trying to go as long as I can out of an evolutionary fear of the unknown and finding a route where I can pass with some dignity and comfort at home.

Six months is a very short time for your brain to begin adjusting to tinnitus. Habituation typically takes between six and 24 months. It is a marathon, not a sprint. I began to notice signs of habituation after my first major incident at around 26 and a half months.

Your therapist may lack experience with tinnitus clients, which could limit their ability to help you. It is important for them to have experience with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness, sound therapy, and working specifically with tinnitus clients. An audiologist can also provide some support, especially if they are trained in tinnitus retraining therapy (TRT).

 

[Chandler]

It's been 5 years and I'm so tired of this noise.

 

[delta784]

My tinnitus is in my brain. I have so many issues caused by just one poisonous medication. I wish I could take Clonazepam long term — it is the only thing that keeps me alive.

 

[GrodanB]

For years, I have clung to the hope that my tinnitus was worsening because of some treatable or manageable condition, like a neurological issue or teeth grinding. But I have no choice now but to face the truth. It is all caused by noise. I cannot do anything without it getting permanently worse. Every week, I sit and compare what level of noise used to mask the previous tinnitus loudness. It is the only way I have to measure how much worse it gets at this point.

The tinnitus hurts. It makes me physically recoil because of how loud it is. I wake up in the morning without a second of peace. Earmuffs have gone from an option to a necessity. My tinnitus consistently worsens from voices, even at normal conversation levels.

If your tinnitus is mild, you will never understand how bad it can get, and that is a good thing. No one should have to live with this every day for the rest of their life. I am 21. My life has barely begun, and yet I find myself thinking of death every day and night. But I do not want to die. I am just stuck.

There is so much I have not experienced, but experiencing things means being around noise, something my ears and brain cannot handle. Evolution has decided to inflict endless suffering on anyone unlucky enough to be exposed to enough noise.

Seeing my parents gets harder every day. Seeing their smiles, hugging them, telling them goodnight, and saying "see you tomorrow" only makes me think of how many hugs I have left to give. I have stopped buying things, collectibles, and room decorations because they now feel like items I will pass down to my siblings when I am gone. Do you know how awful that feels? My mindset has become like that of a dying elder who has experienced everything life has to offer, but I have barely experienced anything at all.

Most people have big moments they regret because they made their tinnitus worse. They went to a concert, fired a gun, or were near an explosion. But I only have one such moment. The rest are just everyday noises that do not even come with a clear sense of regret. "I really should not have talked to my dad for those five minutes." "I should never have gone on that walk with the slightly windy weather and chirping birds."

I know that if I take a short car trip, even with all the ear protection in the world, I will have a new, higher baseline tinnitus level within one to three days. That is not a possibility. It is a guarantee.

Sometimes I just want to smash my skull in and tear out everything inside. This noise is driving me to the brink. If I lie in bed for too long without falling asleep, I start hitting myself in the head and screaming. All because of tinnitus. An absolutely hellish condition. May there be a cure soon, unless a world war starts and stops any research or funding. Hooray for human greed and the never-ending urge to fight.

Remember to tell your parents you love them, unless they are truly horrible people.