Feeling Suicidal

Tinnitus makes life hell but it's not the only problem.


Most people on this forum can't relate to pyschomental issues, they don't even relate to hearing loss (even though they have that they don't care) hyperacusis with pain freaks me out more then anything. Even extremely mild forms of noise induced pain cause me to get hysterical just knowing the condition exist within my body.


because of my autism these problems cause me to have chronic sensory overloads induced anxiety and combine that with BPD (borderline personality disorder) having unstable emotions and cochlear damage it's not a life worth living and this Christmas i have no one but people on a tinnitus forum and other mentally ill friends on the internet.



haha my family is so backwards, haha Anselmo should bully me for being such a wimp

 

I don't know if I will laugh or cry if they say January 31

 

I wish she didn’t have to hang on. I wish none of us had to live like this. I wish the coping industry that built up around this nightmare disease had been ripped to shreds years ago and the medical world had properly heeded all the destroyed lives and suicides instead of covering them up under the umbrella of depression and anxiety. Maybe then we would have a bloody cure to offer this poor mother who is being psychologically tortured day in day and then gets quizzed as to wether she might have a touch of the ‘baby blues’....... This condition and the way it’s been dealt with stinks on every level and it makes my blood boil.

 

Then you are performing one of nature’s most beautiful functions, despite your stress. There’s something to celebrate.

 

Not to disagree with you Bam, but you may not be aware of some of the history and story surrounding people with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) -- Many of whom have tinnitus & hyperacusis.

Not only has ME/CFS been underplayed for decades, but it's been joked about by comedians, and made fun of at the CDC (main health agency in the U.S. government) and across much of U.S. culture. -- This led to an attitude and practice in the global psychiatric profession of denigrating all those ungrateful people with ME/CFS who won't accept the psychiatric help that is available to them.

The whole psychiatric angle is especially a problem in the U.K., (google Simon Wessely). Young children can be (and are) taken away from their parents and locked up in mental institutions. Older patients as well. In short, patients with ME/CFS are mostly ignored, ridiculed, and disbelieved when they go to non-psychiatric doctors for help.

@Angel Dust, I'm so sorry to hear what a hard time you're going through. Just to let you know, none of the emotions you shared with us are unusual. I think the feelings you expressed are so common to most of us, that your list should once and for all obliterate the notion that tinnitus is just some kind of "phantom noise", and "can't really hurt you". Aaaargh!
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If I may mention something from perhaps a pragmatic angle: -- It's only been three months since you gave birth, and on top of the tinnitus crisis, you "may" also be dealing with "a degree" of PPD. -- I learned recently that the fetus has a very high need for iodine, and since nature will give available iodine to the fetus, a mother can become severely deficient.

Most Naturopathic Doctors now test for iodine deficiency and find that--as I recall--most new mothers are quite deficient in iodine. Supplementing very often improves PPD and overall physical and mental health. Iodine is especially critical for the thyroid gland (which is a master gland). -- You may want to consider taking an iodine supplement for a while. I take about 12 mg/day.

Also, if I may suggest, review regularly the posts on this thread that are encouraging to you. Especially the ones that make the case your tinnitus will likely improve over time. It sure seems that way to me as well. -- All the best to you @Angel Dust, and your baby, and your signficant other, and your mother. I think they all have their role to play in helping you at this time of crisis.

 

I totally understand how you feel. I have had T for 5 weeks and I have good and bad days but the bad ones make me feel suicidal too. I am older than you but determined to give it at least 6 months because a lot of people seem to improve or the anxiety settles. I urge you to hang in there too and give it more time. If you have not already done so, please listen to Julian Cowan Hill on youtube, his videos are very reassuring. In fact it is notthe T that is the big problem, it is our emotional reaction to it. All the best, one day at a time, I cherish the better days and hope they will become more frequent

 

Julian Cowan Hill and his cranial sacral therapy bullshit and emotional reaction message has been parroted back to me by so many people I’ve lost count. His message is utterly meaningless. He makes a lot of money out of tinnitus. That’s all you need to know.

How clear do we need to make this?!? We have a horrid soul sucking noise in our heads and if it’s loud and constant enough there is no way on earth for that not to make you fucking miserable. And some patronising little asshole who makes YouTube videos telling the world its all about being chilled and having your skull stroked is not our saviour. He’s another shark clad in this cuddly little Dumbledore ‘I’m here to help you’ disguise which is so fucking transaparent it’s not even true.

Sorry Doug. You’re going to work this out the hard way my friend.......Cure. We need a cure. Not more coping industry shit.

 

Just get by the initial first months. Learn all you can during this time. food, nutrients and meds you can take and their otoxicity. Become your own advocate. Drs. for the most part don't know much about tinnitus.
Find some thing you love, for me its the guitar. Ive written more songs than ever. Its a great release. I sleep with music for meditation. My downfall has been I lost the ability to sleep so I need meds. This sucks and i have have never been able to beat this. I do however become tired at the end of the day, it took me 6 years to do this. I finally yawn again. I didnt yawn for years. Tinnitus induced anxiety is the worst. I know it sucks and is hard but there are people who know what you are going through.

 

Yeah but it's not all about coping. It's about the fact that the stress/fear of the noise can actually make the noise louder in many cases, so getting that reaction under control can quieten it down for some.

 

Yes but she's doing that already taking care of a 3 month old baby. @Angel Dust you are doing incredibly well dealing with the first stages of tinnitus and a small baby. I know how exhausted I get looking after my sister's children since tinnitus, though they are a great distraction too. Be kind to yourself and remember there is every chance that things could get better, the tinnitus could improve or go, so hang on for that x.

 

That's really not the issue in every case. Please keep severe sufferers in mind. Julian Hill claims to be able to cure every kind of tinnitus. He means well and his treatment can probably help some people but not everyone. He is part of the reason why no one takes this condition seriously and why we still don't have a treatment. I know you're just trying to make sense of it all but let's not forget the severe sufferers.

 

Yeah if he claims he can cure every kind of tinnitus that's not good - that's a scam type of remark.

 

I've watched a number of his videos, and don't recall him ever making these kinds of claims. I would be very surprised if he's ever made claims that he can "cure" everybody of every type of tinnitus. I believe him when he says that cranial sacral work was key for him. I believe others who say mediation, and/or yoga, and/or anything other type of calming technique has helped them.

I also believe it when some people say various kinds of upper cervical therapies have helped, and others when they say acupuncture, HBOT, etc. helped. -- I think the key is to be willing to experiment with things that we intuitively feel have the possibility of helping us, and then see what happens. I myself use various energy and polarity balancing techniques, and feel they help me a lot--I no longer struggle mightily with thoughts of suicide. -- @Angel Dust.

I would sure hate to have somebody start saying that I'm claiming the techniques I use can cure everybody of their type of tinnitus, when all I'm saying is they help me. -- I'm a stickler for details, and the exact words that people use matter to me. Show me the words Julian Cowan Hill has used that indicate he's a scam artist, and I'll consider them carefully. But I've not yet seen anything that even resembles what he's often accused of.

 

Spoiler

From one of his video descriptions: "A complete recovery from tinnitus is possible. By this I mean hearing silence in a quiet room. There is a thin line between not being aware of it and then listening out for it and then switching back on into being able to hear your own nervous system, but when you are over tinnitus, have moved on and are no longer listening out for danger and the alarm bells have stopped ringing, it just goes away. This is not a miracle, this is not rare, it is just what happens when people settle, move onto other things and stop checking up on tinnitus all the time. I wish health practitioners would stop saying there is no cure. It is just not true. On-line you mostly see people who still have not got better. The ones who have got better are not on line."

He thinks everyone can achieve this state where they can just tune out their tinnitus whenever they want. I don't understand why people are still defending him. I don't care what he means by 'complete recovery', saying you hear silence in a quiet room is the same as saying you are cured. If you have severe tinnitus, you will never hear silence in a quiet room and you can't tune it out. His followers will attack anyone that dares to speak out against him. I just want to tell people to wake up. He doesn't think tinnitus can be debilitating, he thinks everyone just has to forget about it and that's it. He is delusional thinking this will cure everyone.

"It sounds like you are still in a highly reactive state. When this comes down the sound tends to quieten down." It's the same bullshit you will read time and time again. As soon as you calm down, your tinnitus calms down. He has no clue about catastrophic tinnitus. He is doing more harm than good. If that was the case Ed, Fishbone and Jazzer wouldn't have screaming loud tinnitus.

"Why letting go is a better description of curing tinnitus. I have cured my own tinnitus but I use letting go because this more accurately describes the process of getting better with tinnitus." source


"Feeling safe and understanding this and having regular experiences which relax you deeply, take your mind off the ringing and destress the structures around your ear, neck, jaw and cranial base all help this condition back off." source He is carful with his words but come on, you can hear he means everyone can get better. Why else would he say we should start telling people there is a cure for tinnitus?

Again, this does work for certain people but not for everyone. But if you talk with him in the comments he will just repeatedly say that you're simply still in the fight and flight mode, thus your tinnitus doesn't reduce. If you say this doesn't work for you, well, then you're just negative.

 

JCH actually does help people manage stress and anxiety. Maybe cranial jaw therapy does something to unhypersensitize the fusiform cells since they are connected to parts of the brain related to jaw movement.

I am not saying his method works.. let alone in every case. He is a sketchy character and I am leaning towards your ideas of him being delusional.

 

Autumnly said this rather than myself. He does somewhat imply this in the post she's quoted but doesn't say it outright. I completely agree for SOME this does help improve or even get rid of tinnitus - the less you think of it, the quieter it gets etc etc cos of the limbic system link - but clearly, this does not work for everyone. Perhaps it works better for those whose tinnitus is more stress linked

 

I have met Julian Hill twice ,a very well meaning guy,,if you wanted a reference to how he comes across I would say Kind......as for him being just a must a moneymaker I dont buy into that because he said to me (I wont go into it) that what I knew about chi kung was all I needed and to concentrate on that and not keep coming back to him. His thing is too much adrenaline in the body causes T ,,,right or wrong who knows but the bloke is allright

 

Hi @Angel Dust,

Given the discussion here, I hope you’re not being discouraged from exploring various kinds of calming techniques such as cranial sacral work that's promoted by Julian Cowan Hill. -- Due to my own health circumstances, I've explored (and found) many things over the years that help calm my own brain and nervous system--long before I developed tinnitus earlier this year.

This was necessitated by a life-altering head injury/whiplash I sustained as a 15-year old. Later on, I developed ME/CFS resulting from that injury, and then Lyme Disease. That injury--along with ME/CFS and Lyme--greatly affected my nervous system, and in particular, my vagus nerve (VN). The VN is sort of the "master orchestrator" for calming the body and neurological system down, especially after it goes into some kind of fight or flight mode.

Unfortunately, I didn't understand for many years that my vagus nerve had been so seriously impacted as a teenager (crimped), which made it extremely difficult for me to calm myself. Over that time, I continually experimented with as many calming techniques as I could find that "might" help me restore a sense of equilibrium. And I managed to find several that work really well for me.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I think it's relevant to just about everybody who deals with tinnitus. Given there's an "auricular branch" of the vagus nerve, I've come to believe that most people with tinnitus have a chronically agitated nervous system and have a very hard time calming down. Which then leads to much of the anxiety, depression, despair, and suicidal thoughts we have.

To me, that makes it almost imperative we do whatever we can do to calm our systems, and there are many things that can be tried. Thankfully after many years, I was able to create and maintain a certain equanimity within myself while dealing with some of the devastation of ME/CFS. Some of this devastation included having chronic vertigo, bedbound 20+ hours per day, sometimes taking 1-2 hours to crawl to the bathroom in the morning, etc. But it wasn't always that bad, and the techniques I discovered kept me from staying down too long, though I'm still bedbound 20 hrs/day.

I'm sharing this to let you know that in spite of all my travails, I've managed to have an amazing life. However, when tinnitus hit me back in February of this year, I was totally unprepared. That long sought after sense of equinimity vanished in a split second, as my body and brain were hit with a psychotic-type episode from taking an anti-nausea drug that as a side effect, can cause--of all things--psychotic episodes (along with tinnitus). I wrote my about my ordeal in THIS POST.

So even though I'd had 30+ years practicing various calming techniques, I was all of a sudden unable to calm myself, and my thoughts of suicide went through the roof. It created its own spiritual crisis for me as well, which I touched on in the above post. I guess my point of emphasis is that even with all those 30+ years of practice, it still took several months for them to begin to restore any kind of sense of equinimity again. But very slowly but surely, it did happen. They literally brought me back from that brink, which is why I often mention them in my TT posts. (My apologies to those who are getting tired of them).

I know some people try various calming techniques and say that it doesn't work for them. But my experience is that they do work--IF--given enough time to begin to do their job. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a long time. But after about 10 months now, I can not only say my system is probably calmed down by 90% from what it was at tinnitus onset (under extraordinary circumstances), but it's also beginning to have a modulating effect on my tinnituss. -- @Bill Bauer @PortalNaut. Which has improved by about 10-15% in the past several weeks. That feels pretty miraculous for me, and I'm now feeling fairly optimistic that will improve in the coming months as well.

I hope this wasn't too long for you to read. But I felt I needed to give you a fairly complete picture of what worked for me, at a time when I was facing what felt like insurmountable odds. -- Regarding your thoughts about whether God exists: -- To me, it's not a particularly relevant question. What matters more to me is what I can observe and experience. My own primary question about life is whether love exists, and whether it's eternal. I've come to believe that if we can find it, and experience it in full measure, then that can help immesaurably in facing just about any challenges that come our way.

If you have any interest in talking to somebody about love, and/or whether God exists, I would recommend checking out some of @Jazzer's posts. He's got some very interesting perspectives. But be careful, he's got quite the sense of humor as well, and just might make you laugh... He's also posted about some personalized calming techniques that help him cope, and that I'm sure he'd be more than happy to share with you.

Angel Dust, I sincerely hope you're doing better today. Life goes in cycles, and sometimes when we're in a down cycle, it's good to be reminded that things can (and do) get better again. I guess that message of hope is mostly what I was wanting to share with you. -- Be well...

 

You are not alone - just look at the responses you are getting. It's good you reached out - that's the best thing you can do.

Regarding suicide, I was devastated by my best friend's suicide. I vowed to do something and volunteered for a year at a crisis clinic, answering the phone and talking with people who were in similar situations. It helped me, and hopefully the people on the other end of the line. Ironically, I stopped because my hearing loss and tinnitus hindered my listening and I wasn't able to do the job to the level that I felt was needed.

You have lots to live for. Keep seeking help, it is there.

 

I am just wondering how you are going Angeldust?
Like you on my bad days I am having suicidal thoughts.
I still want to stick it out for a bit longer in the hope it will ease.
Have you found any strategies that help even for a little while?
I am taking life one day at a time.
I am thinking of you and your suffering.
If there is any justice in this universe, you should be granted some relief

 

I don't think chronic pain is that bad compared to mild or medium tinnitus. In 2002 I fractured the bottom of my foot and tore ligaments in my ankle. I had to wait 1.5 years to have surgery and when I did the doctor said my ankle was attached or hanging on by a thread. Tinnitus is a horse of a different color.

 

@Angel Dust - Me too! Has always been a fear of mine!!! Maybe, somehow we’ve attracted it to ourselves....

I truly hope you feel better soon, it can’t be easy with a 3 month old! Keep reaching out, we all absolutely understand how you feel... hugs xx

 

We have to take care of ourselves to properly love others. That means finding happiness, self-confidence, self love, not being chronically depressed etc. Some can endure and go on despite being tired, others are unable to endure and because of this relationships can suffer.

I have even more than cowards, heard that those who commit suicide are selfish. That one really bothers me and I want nothing more to yell at them. What is selfish is demanding a person stay in this world, despite how much and how permanent their suffering is, just because it would make them mourn their loss.

Does this vary location to location or day to day?

Yeah! And heard of women getting tinnitus from having a baby.

In addition, you do not have chronic T yet because I do not believe you've had tinnitus for 7 months. See below.

No, it's not. It's not the same thing. Pain, whooshing, ear fullness describes TTTS and Hyperacusis. They are linked with tinnitus but they are not the same thing. Most people who start off with Hyperacusis (86%) get Tinnitus later also. Tinnitus is phantom noise. Any other symptom is describing a condition that is not tinnitus but is often co-morbid with tinnitus.

I would put you at 1.5 months acute by your own description.

Now, I could have sworn ginkgo biloba was one of the ototoxic supplements but I can't find the source now so perhaps I was wrong.

Please don't. You are 1.5 months in. That is a very small amount of time with T and not even chronic yet. Please look into hyperacusis. I believe you could have this if you experience, sound sensitivity and/or sound seems louder or certain sounds are bothersome. Additionally, the fact that you describe your T as coming and going, even if rarely, is an auspicious sign that not a lot of people here experience. Tinnitus is really unstable at first and can stabilize/fade/disappear with time.

 

I don't think this is a very helpful thing to tell newcomers, especially the underlined part. While I don't believe optimism has anything beyond mild healing capabilities, pessimism is has been shown to be outright inhibiting even outside tinnitus. A long time sufferer saying stuff like "You think 6 months is bad? Try 32 years!" is going to help sow that pessimism into the hearts of newcomers.

As for the rest, there is no use comparing ourselves to others, whether the framing be positive or negative. What matters is how we feel and our suffering is valid. Even if one does not have tinnitus or a missing limb, that suffering is valid.

Furthermore, life does not stop at exactly one bad health problem, as Angel Dust and I know. You can have torturous T and lose your leg. A paraplegic can later down the road develop tinnitus.

Health problems are almost never mutually exclusive so it's fruitless to compare to others.

In addition to the above, there is also the issue of severity. It's understandable that we will hold a bias to whatever condition is most severe, despite severity being variable. I have seen people who, allegedly, have bad chronic pain say tinnitus is worse. But was their chronic pain so bad they couldn't walk? Was it so bad they were unable to use the bathroom or get a bite to eat? Could they dress themselves? Were they able to focus (tinnitus is not the only thing that can rob concentration)? Were they able to speak? Could the pain be abated or managed in any way? (Such as lying down or pain medication) Did they lose more hobbies and passions from tinnitus than from chronic pain?

And while this reads, and is, as a personal bias towards chronic pain, it applies to anyone with more than one health problem. The one that is 'worse' depends on A. Severity of symptoms for all conditions and B. Personality, passions, interests, preferences, and values of the individual.

Case in point, this fellow below.

BAHAHAHAHA! Your chronic pain must have not had been that bad then if you think non-severe T is worse. (Particularly mild. What??? Well, like I said above, I guess we just value different things) But in all fairness, if you're going to have chronic pain, then your foot really is the best case scenario as opposed to dense nerve locations like your spine and face. It was also very fortunate that your chronic pain went away and was actually an injury instead of a lifelong curse.

 

@Red Just saying people have different pain levels. Most people get on all these pain killers for the same type of injury I had. I'm just saying my mild to medium tinnitus is worse, I also have neck and jaw issues, but I really don't have any pain.

 

I just logged into this chat room because my grandma just committed suicide yesterday. She has tinnitus for 10 years she could no longer bare it and on her suicide note she said she wished there was a cure or that drs took it more serious. I’m sorry for how you feel. I guess I’m just here to try to understand how she felt. I don’t know how else to cope. I pray for you and for this nightmare to go away.

 

Dear @Ashleyamberski -- Thank you for you kind and thoughtful note. And my sincerest condolences (and blessings) to you and your family for your tragic loss.

@Bam

 

Thank you @Red. Those who had to have a jaw removed is just one of a thousand things where pain is unreal. Pain meds at this level are useless.

 

Guess I was too optimistic

 

Sorry about your suffering @Angel Dust. We understanding your suffering and the dark thought of suicide, as many of us have been where you are, including those of us who are trying to support you. It was like hell when my ultra high pitched tinnitus first hit, then followed soon by horrible hyperacusis which turned all normal sounds piercingly hurtful. I was in a mess and the mind, seeing no way out, just dangled the big 'S' word to me most of the day. It got to the point I wanted to find out what would happen to those people who have near-death experience from suicide and youtube is full of stories and videos from these people. After reading/watching videos of their stories and experiences, I decided to stay put and fight this seemingly unwinnable battle with the T bully, heaven or hell.

I read many, many success stories and tried to learn what work for people and how they manage to beat this T bully and triumph over it. One thing I learn, which others have mentioned many times here, is that TIME is definitely a common element of success for most people. It takes time for the body to heal and to get used to this alien sensation. Nobody is super human. There is no overnight success. Most report that over 6 months to about 2 years, things improve tremendously. This is because over time, the limbic nersous system which is now processing the T stimulus with the Amygdala will be slowly replaced by the normal parasympathetic nervous system, and the pre-frontal cortex will take over from the Amygdala in processing the T stimulus. The cortex has the natural function to suppress fearful reaction. So gradually, we feel normal again and we can then manage our T reaction much better.

You have everything to live for with a 3 months old baby. It is hard on you to deal with T and the tiring chorus of caring for a new born baby. But these tough days will pass whcn the baby will sleep through the night and you will have good restful sleep. Having great REM sleep is helpful to bring T level down. So don't give up. Give it time. I am glad I never did the unthinkable act, for today I live a normal, productive, happy and absolutely enjoyable life, something I never thought I could still do and enjoy during the new stage of my intrusive tinnitus. I wrote my success story and share some helpful strategies. If you have the time, please check it out. So don't despair and don't lose hope. Brighter days will come. Take good care. God bless your recovery.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/


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