How to Deal with Guilt and Self-Hate If You Caused Your Own Tinnitus and/or Hyperacusis?

I understand how you feel exactly. Thing is, I grew up in a dense area where around July 4th, people would set off M80's and other loud fireworks all the time. Never gave it much thought and not once did I experience any negative effects from being in fairly close proximity to said explosions at the time (and never set any off myself, wasn't a fan.) This was years ago now and haven't been around noise like that since. My incredibly loud and unmaskable tinnitus started all of a sudden one day after living the quietest three months of my life in rural Virginia, a far cry away from what my life was like in New York City and the surrounding suburbs. So like you said, it's hard to wrap my head around it.

Tinnitus is a beast of a thing and apparently doesn't care how it strikes. I've read a lot of your posts and it seems like the sounds we hear are very similar; wavering electrical tones and all that. I hope in time we get better.

 

You just never know. I was supposed to be a lawyer, and I don't know about your educational system, but in mine it required countless hours of studying. I mean, maybe it's just me and I'm too stupid, but it took me 8-9 hours a day for month in exam periods which I did with music in my ear because of my loud and annoying neighbors. I have other possible causes, but probably that's what did me in. Result: life ruined.

 

I have a loud hiss all day long and sometimes it sounds like electrical wires at the same time. Mine never really changes. It’s been the same for 3 weeks now.

 

3 M80 firecrackers at close range! I think right over the fence because I smelled and saw the smoke. No warning. I knew immediately something was wrong as my ear began hissing. Hasn’t stopped since. It was very traumatic. I’m a mom with three kids and have always protected my ears-plugs to concerts, etc. I haven’t been to loud clubs or bars since my early 20s. Once, about 8 years ago a balloon popped right next to my left ear and I lost my hearing for a half day and had some intermittent hissing for a few days. I’m sure I’ve had other things occur-babies screaming in my ear, etc. but nothing significant. The explosions on the 4th of July were the direct cause of this.

 

@Orions Pain forgot to tag you. Responded above.

 

I didn't like studying with music on. Too distracting. I would go to study halls often because it was quiet there and you couldn't make noise.

I wish I didn't like the kind of music I did then, too. I don't listen to it anymore and got nothing from the few concerts I went to. I don't know how much that contributed to my current condition but I would do anything to get back to my previous pre-tinnitus condition even if it meant a lifestyle change and not experiencing what I did.

 

Ugh I’m so sorry the balloon thing sounds scary and of course the fire works too. The thing about tinnitus is I think we’re all somehow genetically predisposed to it. At times that makes me feel a tiny bit better

I mean how many people do we know who straight up abuse their ears and don’t suffer with the side effects at all!

Noise damage is cumulative. I spent a lot of time pondering on the “what ifs” like what if I hadn’t gone to this place, or done this or that. Like you I also had an event occur that I think triggered my hyperacusis & tinnitus. But I think with a genetic predisposition and it was only a matter of time before it happened because my ears were already vulnerable. The damage was already there for most of us, and one event was just the straw that broke the camels back

Perhaps if I never bought headphones, listened to music for studying or at the gym, gone to parties and bars through college and danced near speakers, didn’t go to concerts, or go to restaurants, or use loud public transportation, or play music on long drivers, none of this would have happened. But these are all very normal things for most people to do in the 21st century. Nothing about these things screams “danger” until you’re on the other side of things

The best thing to do now is just try to get though each day, and hope that one day science will catch up and give us some sort of relief.

 

See, they should scream danger to us, they just don't because the medical establishment doesn't try to alert anyone about it, trapped in the same thinking as the rest of us of it being fine. Audiologists and ENTs should be raising awareness, trying to put it out there that hearing loss is an issue without a real cure, and that hearing aids aren't really an adequate solution for most cases of hearing damage. They don't though, and the people suffer for it. If they correctly explained hearing damage, and the gave us an cautious measure of decibel levels we can expect in our daily life, as well as the repercussions, I doubt most of us would be here right now. Why we don't stress the importance of hearing is beyond me.

 

In a similar way, genuinely hate everyone who says "tinnitus is only a sign of some hearing damage, nothing to worry about." Nothing to worry about? It's your hearing. It won't heal like a paper cut.

 

I'm deeply struggling with this.

 

Me too...

 

Spot on. For this reason I've stopped to think, what if. First of all, what's happened happened, and it can't be changed - for now at least. Thinking about it constantly won't do you any good. Quite the opposite I'd say... it's close to impossible move on and look forward by dwelling with the past. That goes to any aspect of life.

 

I, too, am dealing with this. I exposed myself to 16 kHz sound at roughly 110 dB for a few seconds through my headphones. I did not hear it, but it damaged my hearing.

 

I have been beating myself up about the tinnitus. It is my fault from going to loud concerts and not even thinking about hearing protection. I have been dwelling on it since my spike happened back in May and it unfortunately has not subsided. I wish I never got into punk and hardcore music. Like why couldn’t I have gotten into like classical or something LOL!

I can’t change the past so I have to keep pushing forward. Unfortunately my love for music has declined since this spike and I have a 3 day metal and hardcore festival in September I already paid for that got rescheduled 3 time due to COVID-19 and I don’t really want to go, but I’ve paid like 1,000 bucks for tickets, airfare, and hotel.

I am telling myself I should still go and try to not let this tinnitus stop me from living my life. I have custom ear plugs being made so that will help and I’ll make sure to stand far away from the speakers and thankfully it is outside. I feel like it won’t be the same as it used to be and that I’ll just be dreading it the whole time waiting to come back home.

 

I got my first tinnitus from a concert in 2019. Going to subsequent concerts with earplugs did not make it worse and it was almost completely gone in 2021. (I then made a series of mistakes, but that's not important now.)

 

Well, that makes me feel better about going. My fear is making it worse, but I don’t want to give up things that I enjoy. Thanks for the info Tau!

 

You can still be a lawyer, even if you have tinnitus. It's a pretty quiet job, office work...

 

Problem is that I have insomnia, brain fog, concentration issues, memory issues and very often zero motivation to even exist. I am at the end of my studies, but state exams are very hard and demanding even without tinnitus, right now it seems impossible for me to succeed at them. So I am not exactly worried about how to do the job, but how to get the degree. And without it, I pretty much wasted a huge part of my life struggling with studying something which is hugely responsible for my depression and anxiety that may or may not have contributed to getting tinnitus in the first place.

 

So you did not like studying law?

 

We could say that, yes. I had problems with it way before tinnitus hit the fan, but now it feels my brain is fried. Funny is that I was actually kind of ok, much much better than earlier depression-wise when I got blessed with permanent tinnitus.

 

There are always things you will be able to do, even with tinnitus. Don't lose hope!