How to Deal with Guilt and Self-Hate If You Caused Your Own Tinnitus and/or Hyperacusis?

Most of us are here for different reasons. Ear infections, medication, SSHL, accidents (all things that were out of someone's control) but then there are those of us who got it as a direct cause from our actions. For me personally, it was over-use of headphones, and loud places (concerts and bars).

I'm going to be exactly 4 months in with tinnitus & hyperacusis in about 4 days, and can't shake this terrible overwhelming feeling of hate for myself and deep regret for my actions. I keep on thinking of the life I would be having now if it wasn't for my hyperacusis and tinnitus, and how I've just essentially screwed myself for the rest of my life. Even if I recover to a degree, which I'm not too optimistic about at the moment, I will forever be scarred by this experience.

Those of you who are here because of similar things - noise exposure/damage from concerts, how do you cope with these feelings? I feel absolutely terrible and struggling to make it through each day greatly.

 

@Orions Pain

You are not helping yourself by feeling guilty about your noise trauma because what's done is done. It is life and these things happen but you will recover, as I've explained in my previous posts to you. You won't get anywhere blaming yourself. Try directing your thoughts onto other things that you like doing. This is the way to start the healing process and moving forwards. Please read my posts again and the links that I have sent you. Have a talk with your family doctor too about the way you feel.

Michael

 

Whatever you did pales in comparison with what I had done to cause my T. What you are going through is natural. Eventually (after about 6-12 months) you will stop having such a strong emotional reaction. This process is similar to a joke that is being repeated over and over again eventually stopping being funny.

 

What was your cause? Mine was pretty bad too. Since mine still in the early stages, I just want to give myself a chance to recover and I don’t know what is excessive and what isn’t. My sensitivity seems to be progressing, same with TTTS despite me trying not to overprotect so it’s this catch 22 situation, is it getting worse because I’m not protecting myself enough or because I’m overprotecting.

 

Use your suicide note as a way to scorn the NIH for wasting money on CBT and ACT.

Self hate is an illusion you have to see through.

 

“Bill - quite !!!!!”

 

@Bill Bauer

 

I have read your posts/comments many times. Seems to be that the only reasonable thing I can do at the moment is wait and hope it doesn’t get worse.

 

@Orions Pain
The tinnitus and hyperacusis are not likely to get worse but worrying excessively can cause stress and this isn't good for you. Over protecting by using earplugs also isn't a good idea. Try to be calm and relaxed and talk to your doctor about how you feel. If you have a printer then print my articles and refer to them often. They are a form of counselling and will help to reinforce positive thinking. Try introducing yourself to sounds slowly and engage in things you like to do. It does take time but with patience you will get through this.

Michael

 

Too embarrassed to describe it in public. Let's just say that for a fraction of a second one of those sonic toothbrushes came into contact with my ear canal. That's all it took. (And I was the one holding the toothbrush.)

 

Now I’m sitting here trying to think of possible scenarios that would involve someone having a toothbrush in their ear??

I can’t imagine that this one single event would be enough to cause so much damage unless you had pre-existing damage that added up over the years

Sonic toothbrushes aren’t even that loud?

 

I got ear fullness right away. When it wouldn't subside, I made an appointment with an ENT. The ENT asked me to get a hearing test before I see him. My tinnitus turned on in the evening of the day when I had my test. So it is possible that one of those tests has contributed to my tinnitus turning on. Who knows...

I was trying to do something to help my mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

By the way, I am NOT a jackass. I am the most risk averse person you will ever meet. Around 20 years ago I earned a graduate degree in a quantitative field...

 

Words of Wisdom: WHATEVER you do, for the love of Gd, don't stick a sonic toothbrush into your ear and turn it on!!!!!

Do that, and the next thing you know, you'll be leaving 10,000 messages on Tinnitus Talk.

 

Where is the funny/sad button with dash of hug?

 

Also don’t go to a ton of concerts without ear plugs and then use Google’s advice of using a blow dryer on your already compromised ear to get trapped water out

 

It’s really hard, I’ve found CBT/talk therapy helpful. In my case what I’ve had to come to terms with is that my “noise accident” was really me having my boundaries on loud music completely disrespected in a borderline emotionally abusive relationship.

Know that you really didn’t know what you were getting into and you were doing your best to enjoy life. People make mistakes every day, and you must be gentle on yourself. Could you imagine approaching a member of this forum and blaming them for being ignorant and careless about noise or medication and brushing them off as authors of their own demise? I think not, and you are best to pay yourself the same courtesy.

 

I feel like I caused it because my actions and decisions led to eventual hearing loss and eventual acoustic trauma which led to the tinnitus and hyperacusis.

Although some people claim to not have hearing loss, how many of them have loud and severe loud tinnitus and severe reoccurring ear pain? I think workplaces and maybe wearing headphones led to this but I can only speculate. I regret doing all that so I blame myself. I know it's pointless to think about it but my life is ruined because of it.

 

Bill, could you promise us if a cure is ever discovered, that you'd tell the story of the sonic toothbrush and your ear?

 

Will do.

 

Bookmarking this.

 

The past can possibly lead to regrets, the future can possibly lead to anxiety, it's best to live in the moment.

Do what is needed, TODAY to help yourself move forward...

 

We get nothing from guilt, but more guilt. It certainly not going to bring my ears back to pre tinnitus condition. I have struggled with, “if I had only...“. Well I did not. I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. I admit, it is one thing to make a poor decision that has no lingering physical consequences. It another when such a decision comes with incessant physical pain and/or annoyance. A life long reminder. So I guess what it all comes down to is how can I willingly and sometime begrudgingly forgive others but not myself? It’s a work in progress.

 

I am with you @PeteJ

I spent years in the workplace drowning out noise with headphones. I then graduated to headsets for leading meetings. This all sealed my fate when doing some normal stuff like seeing a movie and left with tinnitus. Fast forward 5 years everything worsens because I didn't take enough precautions to prevent worsening. Self-blame is easy. My loving wife is trying to convince me whats done is done. Hard though because it's changed our family dynamic so profoundly in a month. H is the beast which is proving hard to habituate.

 

Wow, possibly the most concise quote that sums up my last few months. I have seriously lacked the mental fortitude to move forward. I'm stuck in regret and scared of the future.

@fishbone thank you. I hope to move in to the present. I will be thinking of these words as I sleep tonight.

 

@Christopher805 I think it's because we hold ourselves to a higher standard as we have those who depend on us. Its easier to forgive others because we are ones that are used to picking up the pieces. In dealing with tinnitus/hyperacusis - we are the broken pieces that (we feel) others are left holding. It's why I am struggling so much.

 

metta meditation is pretty specifically aimed at doing exactly this, at least as an initial step.

https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-do-metta-january-2014/

 

Capstan,

I could not agree more. Yes, it is tough to see my wife and son do the things I’ve done for years. I see the toll it has on them watching me and praying I bounce back. We love them and they love us. Be Well

 

I'm finding alcohol helps. Dulls the tinnitus slightly, too.

 

I’m actually happier that I did it to myself. If and when I kill myself, at least it’ll have only been my fault. Plus whoever did it would have my hatred forever and if it was a friend.... they wouldn’t be anymore.

 

Bill, as funny as this is to read, it makes the mind boggle to think that doing something so seemingly benign could change a person's life forever. I originally laughed out loud and gave you a funny rating, but it's just so cruel that it's not funny. All the same, I'm trying to understand how doing this was to help your mum.