I Need Hope — Is There Anything I Can Look Forward To? (Tinnitus Onset About 6 Weeks Ago)

What forums @Tinker Bell?! What issue have these people got and then at least we have a chance to empathise.

 

It is not one single issue.

Divorce, loss of child, relationship issues, substance abuse, job loss, financial trouble, and a wide range of chronic physical and mental health conditions are all potential causes. There is also a strong link between youth suicide and bullying with an estimated half of youth suicides due to bullying.

I could not possibly compile a complete list of the myriad of reasons why individuals commit suicide. But with empathy I can recognize that their mental anguish and despair is not unlike what I have felt, too.

 

No, I'm not suggesting "What if you get cancer tomorrow?" That is both too easy and too cliche. In many of your previous bargainings you've offered limbs. "What if tomorrow you become quadriplegic?" You may still think the worst thing ever was getting debilitating T. What matters is that suffering doesn't stop at debilitating T or H. It is cumulative. It snowballs. Nature doesn't see you already have one negative life altering condition and then stops.

You mean,"If you don't agree with what I say, you don't understand anything about true suffering." I have found myself looking at people, listening to their problems, and thinking, "So what? At least you're not permanently disabled." I'd be lying if I said I don't think that still. Not proud of it but certainly a hard thought to shake. It's exactly the kind of heart blackening I'm talking about.

I'm not talking to the other users, I'm talking to you. If I were talking to them, I would have vaguely addressed TT as a whole rather than calling you out specifically. I very carefully and deliberately worded it that way for a reason.

 

I wish I was one of those many

 

At any rate, I feel that the original messages of my posts has been muddled. And I'd like to reclarify them in a way to help bring back the original topic to relevance.

1. In my first post which started this, the message I was trying to convey was that a lot of the behaviors we think are normal (listening to loud music, sitting at a computer for several hours at a time, eating habits) are harmful. It was to bring solidarity in that, no you are not alone or strange in your suffering. This is especially important for teenagers and young adults who have only ever known strength and normalcy in their body (most of the time) and whose reckless behaviors (clubbing) quickly catch up to them. These are not sustainable lifestyles and people of this age have been tricked into thinking that the human body is invincible. Older adults are stereotypically less reckless, not because they hate fun, but because they have experienced the realities of scarring. (Scars which don't wait until you are middle aged or old to appear.)

2. A response to a trend I've noticed in Bam's posting habits. On my mind previous to this and seeing a good opportunity to mention it. Suffering doesn't stop at tinnitus. Our focus on our own suffering can make us blind to others'. We can unintentionally value non-T and H suffering less and become envious of other people in a non-constructive way. Not because any one of us are inherently awful people, but because T and H can drive us to do unhealthy things out of desperation and inability to focus on anything else.

3. A correction/clarification of my second post. More of a continuation of a conversation.

4. A question to myself. Is @Bam really hurting anyone by bargaining in so many of his posts? Will my pointing out his bargaining help process his grief or is this something he must do on his own, considering all our grief journeys are different?

I've written so much on this because I absolutely do have a dog in this race. A young, going on middle aged, woman whose health problems are solely to blame on her and self destructive behaviors, increasing callousness replacing empathy in her own heart, suffering from multiple health problems that affect different areas of the body making it a struggle to cope with any of them, formerly stuck in bargaining type thinking...

 

I’ve lost a lot of empathy unfortunately, in the past I would have considered myself someone with a deep understanding and care for others, at this point I feel nothing. Unless someone has had their life completely taken away somehow (doesn’t have to be tinnitus), and I mean everything- a person is literally loosing their mind and feels as though they are going to be forced into death against their will at their own hands because they can’t take the suffering anymore, yes I can empathize, anything less I find it very tough, although I do try.

I’ve found that my personality is wildly different after tinnitus. Every thought, every action, every word, it’s just not me, ive been replaced by some guy that I don’t like or respect.

 

You write so well. I hope you can get your health issues improved. I know it's very tough to deal with serious afflictions.

 

Hi @Aklara319 ,

I'm deeply saddened to hear that you are struggling to get used to this 6 weeks in. I myself have had tinnitus no more than a week, and am starting to realize that I'm not mentally strong enough to just 'deal with it'. I feel that I'm losing myself, and every time I talk about it, it causes countless frustrations with my girlfriend as she keeps thinking that it should be as simple as just 'accepting it, and realizing that it isn't killing me'. What she doesn't seem to understand however is that the body reacts to the sound in such a way that it makes one anxious, stressed, and in that, I'm finding myself often full of adrenaline, waking up scared, and just not sleeping as I used to. Today, after 10 hours of sleep, I felt exhausted at the office. I fear what this will do to me over time, what it will do to my relationships (GF, family, friends) and what it will do for my career. I fear that I won't be able to learn as easily anymore, and unfortunately learning is a part of my field, I'm in IT support.

I come to this forum to tell others that they are not alone, but also to find coping mechanisms. Initially I'd kill for sleep, but now all I want is true rest, not just sleep, but a sense of well being, a silence of sorts.

All this said, I'm determined, I am determined to repeat my girlfriend's words in my head, I'm determined to win this battle. As much as it may change my perspective on life, and ruin my personality, I will live on knowing that it's not directly killing me, and I hope one day to find peace in that.

Already I'm considering to ask for less 'work hours' going to a 32 hour work week, just so that I can sleep an extra wednesday each week (assuming I can even get to sleep).

In retrospect I see that my post is not a very satisfying one, at that, I'm depressed over this too. Trying ever so hard to cope.

That said, maybe it'll do you good to keep a dialogue with people, as they telling you about their problems tends to puts things into perspective for me, which helps. I'm also contemplating to get rigorous with meditation, I have to, it apparently is the best way to handle T, it will make the sounds induce harmony instead of anxiety, I would love that, so at that, I'd suggest you do the same. Don't believe what a lot of things online tell you about how to get into it, they will all try to sell you something, just find a good app, and don't stop trying to meditate every day. I will let everyone know over time, and time again, how I'm doing.

PS: What I'm also wondering is, are there meet-ups for people with T? So they can talk to others in RL?

Lastly, yes I'll agree with everyone here, why the F is this even needed? Why the F did I not protect myself. Will we ever be healed? Will we make it through life living, or just surviving?

Time will tell.

All the best,

M

 

Hi @Aklara319 ,

I'd like to add to my post and say, you are indeed 'not dying', the sooner you accept that T will always be there, the sooner you can probably start to handle the stress it induces and eventually channel it in a positive way. I have no idea if that will work, but it seems like the logical approach for anyone, and anybody, correct me if I'm wrong.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Michael Barton

 

At 6 weeks I was still a mess. Tinnitus was still consuming my every thought. I'm at 6 months now and things have improved dramatically since I was at 6 weeks. Still no silence, but I'm much closer.

 

A reasonable time line for a full recovery is 1-2 years.
6 weeks is very new.

 

Just leave it alone, do not go to any loud places or do any ear tests or you will damage your hearing further. If you treat T with respect and care for it, it will not cause you distress - think of it like the babadook.

 

Where is the evidence for this?