Suicidal

I am in complete agony and distress.
Pls someone help me.

 

The only thing left to do is debate about the ultimate natural of reality before I off myself.

 

Tons of academic litature on tinnitus and nerve pain is all about CBT, benzos and psychological rehabilitation to put normies back in the work force. Only a hand ful of papers actually talk about neuromodulation, noiceptor blockers and nerve regeneration.


psychologist out number biologist 1000 - 1.

 

Wish I could.

 

Fuck the stupid corona virus, I had plans to leave but now they are delayed until I can go somewhere, I'm stuck in the house with nothing to do.

 

Leave and go where?

 

I'm sad knowing biomedical science is lagging behind all the other sciences, and it's all because of these fucking 20th century behavioralist.

 

People who have extremely low (non existent) quality of lives are swept under the rug and forgotten.

Also they are manipulated by State funded agencies to take away their disability income.

 

https://www.businessinsider.com/infographic-the-odds-of-being-alive-2012-6



How did I end up as groupings of particles associated with brain neurons? That is suppose to be virtually impossible according to mainstream science. I wonder if maybe they are wrong about consciousness being determined by lucky particle arrangements. After all they even admit it's virtually impossible to exist in the first place.


I wonder how or when I can test this hypothesis.

 

Four hundred trillion is 400 million millions, which is 2* the probability that Two (and not 100,000) people independently selecting the winning numbers in a Lotto 6/49 game.

The probability that one coin lands on its edge is supposedly 1/6000, which means that the probability that three coins land on their edge is 1/2,160,000,000 (1 in over 2 trillion).

Thus the probability of flipping 30,000 coins and getting them all to stay on their edge is significantly lower than 1 in 400 trillion.

 

I don't see anyone doing that.

 

Please keep strong. I totally understand your suffering and wish I could help all of us. Always here to talk x

 

Parkinson's also has a link with tinnitus and visual snow (and chronic pain) as being part of neurological conditions that feature thalamocortical dysrhythmia as a symptom. See here:

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-018-02820-0

There's some nice graphs in there, I wouldn't read too much, it's pretty abstract. ^_^ Interesting to note that even depression features thalamocortical dysrhythmia as a symptom. I wonder what happens if you treat depression as a neurological condition, how that would affect your brainstate instead of fixing your emotional problems (in the case of a pure depression that is not linked to chronic illness).

Like others in here I believe the University of Minnesota device adresses thalamocortical dysrhythmia.

http://soniclab.umn.edu/research/neural-beamforming-tinnitus

We've had one user in here who got into a trial and both his recent severe tinnitus and lifelong mild tinnitus were cured, and his visual snow reduced. Unfortunately, the device won't be out before 2025, probably around 2028... It will probably become the gold standard for a while for neurological issues. Lenire is like generation 1 (or 0,5...), Susan Shore device is generation 2 and UMinn device is generation 3+. I expect however that once one of the devices shows its use in the actual market, interest in the field will quickly pick up. UMinn device or other new specialized devices might be the first ones that besides tinnitus can also treat fibromyalgia (the link seems there, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4325896/>), potentially improve Parkinson's (though there's also https://sonimodul.ch/), visual snow (though we'll see whether the Shore device also works here) and others. Pretty exciting, although I'd wish it were already 2025..

 

As far as I can see - nobody - no scientist has an inkling about how to effectively tackle this thing.
We need a genius with a master stroke...

 

I’m all for anything that may help people now. We have to be realistic and pragmatic about this and understand that no method is going to benefit everyone, but if meditation helps even a small percentage of people then it should at least be tried. I desperately want to see a cure or an effective treatment of the actual symptom(s), but until that day arrives, millions of people have to find a way to cope right now. Today.

 

How do you know?

 

Thanks man.

I'm kind of trying to hold that off for as long as possible. Just knowing that something's out there that might help gives some peace of mind. It's weird I know but for now it works. I know many don't have that choice.

However I think I'd probably be on them if they we're handed out like candy which seems to be the case in parts of the US. So maybe the medical community is doing me a service?

For now, I'm happier not knowing for now than trying and finding out that it doesn't help me at all. Schrodinger's cat you know.

 

I'm having some really dark thoughts right now. The tinnitus has been fairly kind for a few weeks then out of the blue I got a spike yesterday evening and I had to take valerian to sleep somehow. And now I'm anxious about what'll happen tonight. And feeling tired and have a headache. Back on the fucking rollercoaster again.

This whole pandemic and tinnitus and whatever mess really makes me think... Why go on? What's there to look forward to? I'm not interested in starting a family; and apart from that I've reached all the conventional milestones in life. There are no really new experiences in store for me. What is guaranteed, however, is a gradual decay of this god damned body I'm forced to live in. Tinnitus and insomnia is already torturous... what will the next one be? Chronic pain? Neurological damage? A few weeks being intubated on a breathing machine? Stay alive and find out!

Fuck this shit. Really. Not just the tinnitus, all of it.

I've made a pact with myself. The washout period for Lenire ends in a week, afterwards I'll be restarting treatment. I'm giving it 6 weeks. If it works, it'll work by then... and give me a semblance of control and hope. If it doesn't work, then it'll probably give me a long-lasting spike like it did last time. That will be just the perfect motivator to skip a few more decades of this miserable existence and just be done with it already. I truly hope there's no afterlife.

 

Good on you B.

You are better off without them. If the shit hits the fan too hard as it did for me... they helped calm my nervous system down.

I am grateful I had them and very greatful to be off them.
Sorry tinnitus stuck you down Bartoli. You are in my prayers as well for better days.

 

I'm increasingly reaching the same place. COVID-19 has nothing to do with it in my case (and hopefully you will feel better when you aren't so isolated from it). I highly doubt you will be sick enough to need a ventilator, please try not to let that add to your worries. The world does look like shit right now, though, doesn't it? At least i can hopefully add comfort by saying your Lenire spike is most likely temporary based on testimonials I have read here. Hang in there.

But i do relate to some of your sentiments and it worries me. There really is no *reason* for me to keep going other than the fact that I want to wait to try regenerative medicine so I can hopefully hear a song again in my lifetime. But with Macrolide ototoxicity that's way more of an unknown than with noise induced (though I'm confident regen medicine will fix my tinnitus).

I missed my chance at life. I missed my chance to have my own family as I married a self-absorbed man with a cruel streak who left when I was no longer able to keep my job (emotionally first and then physically). I know I have talked about this before but he literally disappeared for 3 days when I lost my hearing more or less to punish me for pleading with him to change his drinking plans with his sister and then, eventually, he wouldn't even look at me or sit next to me and would refuse to turn down music or the TV when I had my initial hyperacusis and then filmed me hyperventilating from crying so hard to show people what a "child" I had become. I even heard him once on the phone laughing to his sister about how i probably belonged in an insane asylum. And since I had both hearing and visual symptoms he accused me of lying and/or just being mentally ill because that's just too improbable apparently. I don't think you can ever recover from loving someone and trusting them with all your heart and then having them be so cruel. I will carry those scars for whatever length of life I have. I just can't "unsee" how this world can be anymore and maybe that's the crux of my problem.

I'm 42 now. If I heal from regenerative medicine in a few years, i will still have to start completely over.

I have decimated my retirement account. And in addition to Erik leaving, my father (who would have been so wonderful and supportive right now like he was when I had Lyme 15 years ago) passed away a decade ago. My mother is completely impatient with me and has even had her friend (who is local to me) stop to take some of her heirlooms back since I wasn't going to have grandkids.

Only two of my long time friends have tried to really relate to the new, sadder me but they have small children and have their own lives. I realize there are some people would miss me if I was gone but I think many more would be glad i was suffering anymore. They really don't know what to say to me anymore and I don't blame them.

I read once that a lot of Holocaust victims killed themselves *after* they were freed. They were the ones who lost their whole families and didn't know how to start over.

I feel that. I don't/wouldn't know how to start over. I'm too traumatized at this point. And I also have substantial neck arthritis that will need invasive surgery within the next 5-10 years so i am potentially facing serious additional health problems.

Really, the only thing that could make me see the beauty in life again is music. And that's because more than my ears have been damaged, it feels like who I am is lost forever.

The problem is that macrolide ototoxicity is unique in that in addition to hair cells, it also damages certain ion channels in the auditory brainstem (not the same ones Dr. Thanos is working on) so music might be the thing I have to live without but it's also the thing I can't live without anymore.

I'm not immediately suicidal but I can't help but think often that this would be a good place to get off this ride. This feeling will hopefully pass but it's real and i can't pretend it's not here and maybe that's why we all come here to talk about it.

 

Good math but it doesn't tackle the argument of why we exist.

What I am saying is the chance of existing as lucky particle arrangements that end up in a brain in a dead universe by chance is virtually impossible. For everyone of us, the correct sperm would have had to reach the egg for 1 billion years or else a different successor would have been born and not us. Since the time of the big bang, the particles that make up your brain could have ended up anywhere else in the Universe. There are 99.99999999999999999999999999% reasons why we should not exist according to that model.

The current definition of materialism makes existing a virtual impossibility. If consciousness relies on quantum mechanics and we exist because we are stuck in a existential matrix that would explain a lot of things better. However we could also say consciousness relies on quantum mechanics and we only get to exist once. But the chance of existing by pure chance is virtually impossible.




I'm skeptical of the claim that I am a miracle.

 

Contrast, you may be overthinking this stuff. I'd say try to keep yourself occupied with whatever makes you happy. I can see you like science but it seems to get you down at times. Worrying about something as ungraspable as the meaning of life only compounds your distress. Wish you well!

 

Don't know, just my impression from the UMinn thread. At least it's nothing that is going to be available soon, otherwise it would be the hot sauce in the research forum.

Although my day was good, I still had similar thoughts like you. My case might be different, I feel as if I haven't achieved anything at all in my life, at least nothing that makes me feel good and proud of myself. I feel like a failure to myself and having self-inflicted moderate tinnitus doesn't make it better. I probably should take this on more like Fishbone who seems to take everyday as a victory in his life. But then I wonder: Suppose I will have my T cured by age 35-40. How will I have a family when I have zero experience with women and want to have a family so late? Then I fail and think "should have stopped at 30 [now]".

My meaning of life oscillates between two extreme points:
1. Reproduction is the ultimate goal in life and everything else exists just to improve your chances
2. End of suffering in the buddhist sense. Buddhism doesn't go well with reproduction however, it's pretty passive if you ask me. But well, it is not supposed to help you win since you are supposed to transcend the idea of "winning" and "losing" in buddhism.

 

Living is for normies dude.

 

Psychologist fantasize about behavioral modification solving the problem while people in the REAL WORLD suffer.

 

So either there is something going on that science doesn't know about and might never find out, or there is infinite number of universes in which case it is certain that this will happen in one of them.

I don't understand this point. Someone had to be born, it happened to be me.

I read somewhere that some processes that happen in the brain and that give rise to consciousness have a quantum mechanics component. That doesn't seem to imply anything supernatural.

I don't follow the logic. The new infographic points out that the odds of me being born were low. But the probability of someone being born was 1. This is like saying that if we choose a number at random from a set of numbers with a trillion numbers in it, that a miracle has happened since the number we ended up with was 22. There is no miracle, there was a 100% chance that we would end up with a number, and what the actual number ended up being doesn't really matter.

 

i want to leave and get the fuck out of here, i am just waiting on other people to complete task for me that I cannot.

 

There is no evidence yet that the brain relies on quantum mechanics, which if true makes free will impossible.

If a different sperm made it to the egg, according to materialism you would have not been someone else, you would just not exist without ever knowing it.

 

You don't think neuromodulation or FX-322 at least represents an inkling?

 

The senses may involve quantum mechanics.
https://www.discovermagazine.com/the-sciences/how-quantum-mechanics-lets-us-see-smell-and-touch

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...ggest-humans-can-directly-observe-the-quantum