Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. GlennS

      GlennS Member Podcast Patron

      Tinnitus Since:
      1992
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music
      I'm probably making a mistake interacting with you again, but I'll say this.

      Obviously you seem motivated to proselytize your own personal brand of metaphysics. Whether I subscribe to it or not, it's clear to me that it's something that's currently keeping you going, as is you highlighting snake oil treatments. Just remember that whatever influence you feel you're making on these points, you will forfeit them the moment you leave the planet. Dropping some posts on a forum in general, however useful, doesn't make much of an impact so if this kind of stuff is really so important to you then you certainly could raise your profile. Write a book. Start a podcast. Whatever. If you have a passion in life, even if you kind of know it's a coping mechanism, use it to its full advantage.
       
    2. linearb
      Psychedelic

      linearb Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      temporarily banished from this plane of existence.
      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      karma
      Anonymous online forums are in a terrible position to try to deal with such situations, having been in the position of admining a health forum that's significantly larger than this one, and dealing with a generally even more error-prone population.

      I'm happy to explain how I worked through my own suicidal ideation and why I'm still here to anyone who asks or wants to listen, but ultimately these are personal decisions and arguing with brick walls is silly.

      I have also lost people to suicide; I don't think my post is callous, just realistic. This is not the correct venue for stopping people from taking dramatic actions in meatspace, but, of course, as we see from this thread -- in general people want to explore these concepts in text, much more than carry them out. I think this has more to do with control than trying to elicit sympathy; if we constantly remind ourselves we can kill ourselves any time we want, then we're also asserting that ultimately we have control over tinnitus / whatever health condition.

      I find that simply letting go leads to happier places, even if it's immediately harder to to. "The end of all wanting, is all I've been wanting".
       
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    3. MichaelSF

      MichaelSF Member

      Location:
      San Francisco Bay Area
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress, Anxiety,
      Off-topic but I love your user name, was a WoW addict once upon a time!
       
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    4. MrCrybaby

      MrCrybaby Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      2014, 10/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      School Band, Acoustic Trauma
      I think bad things happen to people, and good things do too. It’s just the way it is. Invisible illness offers a unique predicament because you look fine so people don’t expect it, they can’t visually tell how hard it is as with a missing limb for example.
       
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    5. Luman
      Spaced

      Luman Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Brooklyn
      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Intermittent Tinnitus probably noise induced
      A little known fact, about suicide, is that Africans have always had historically very low rates of suicide, and those who were enslaved in America had surprising low rates of it, as well - lower than the free white population. After emancipation, the suicide rate of African Americans remained about same as when slavery existed. The reason for this phenomenon, was that they found outlets that helped them cope, such as spiritualism, and other interests. I'm not much of an advocate for religion, but experience has shown me that keeping busy and doing things you enjoy can change a person's mind, when faced with bad situations.
       
    6. Sevv

      Sevv Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12.04.2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      Man, my mood swings are crazy. During the day I'm doing good mostly, but in the morning or evening I sometimes just want to blow my head off (not that I have weapon lying around, so no risk there).
       
    7. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown; Likely autoimmune; Certainly not noise-induced
      I think the problem is the lack of honesty of its shortcomings; it feels like there is an enabling of victim-blaming. If I met with a team of researchers, shared my story, and saw that they truly understood my problem, and recommended CBT in the mean time to see if it could help take some of the edge off, I would have a better mindset about it.

      Instead, it's acceptance and telling you to trust your doctors and the medical community. My ENT recommended psychiatry to me without even being remotely interested in my story. He didn't even entertain the thought of hidden hearing damage. Nope, sent me to psychiatry.

      By then engaging in psychiatry, I am then enabling the arrogant ENT who will never advocate for me. It's a tough spot to be in.

      As a general remark, I think when it comes to mental health, we are over compensating for the fact that we used to be totally ignorant of it. We get it. Anxiety and depression are very real neurological problems that can cause physical problems. But not everything that us currently unknown must fit that area.
       
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    8. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown; Likely autoimmune; Certainly not noise-induced
      That is a mouthful of pseudo neuroscience. Why do different races and sexes have different suicide rates? I wouldn't even begin to touch this question without a hell of a lot of expertise.
       
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    9. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      I feel this way too, Rish. I have a young family too. I have no idea how to survive this torture so they are not crushed.
       
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    10. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      Hey HootOwl

      I know what you are talking about with distortion. I have it with high frequencies. I think the distortion is where we have lost hearing at specific Hz and our tinnitus comes through instead. It's very unnerving. My Dr called it clipping. I get a lot of that glassy sound with white noise too as a result. I am struggling with the thought of living like this for the rest of my life. I also have reactive tinnitus too. You're not the only one suffering these conditions even though it feels that way. I wish there was something to be optimistic about but it's hard seeing it. I don't see how there's a future where FX-322 solves all these problems. I'm left with a very empty feeling and not knowing what to do.
       
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    11. acute
      Depressed

      acute Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music, stress and meds.
      Someone can kill me, please? Just right now.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    12. pinklights98
      No Mood

      pinklights98 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud Noise Exposure
      Hey, I have the exact same frequency distortion as you, especially around 1.5 kHz. It sucks. Stress makes mine way worse.

      I also have multiple tones, but my pure tone 1500 bugs me the most. It is also only in one ear (in my case my right).
       
    13. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Same here.

      So damn loud. I want to know why it worsened for me and why the fluctuation is practically gone. What happened to cause that?

      Is there any kind of scan or test to determine/measure tinnitus? I want to off myself but I wish my tinnitus and tinnitus volume level could be measured and tested. Even if it could be used by researchers.
       
    14. Stu1983
      Studious

      Stu1983 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      Around 2008/spiked Dec 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      2008 sound/ 2018 Meds made the volume several times worse
      Hi @PeteJ,

      I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I'm from nearby Toronto. If I was to send you CBD oil and Curcumin free of charge. Would you try it?

      Love and respect,
      Stu
       
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    15. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown; Likely autoimmune; Certainly not noise-induced
      I just want to second that I do believe those two can help. All of my upswings occur when I up my dosage of curcumin and regularly take CBD. Is this a scientific proof? No. But it surprised me.
       
    16. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      You described my tinnitus sound. I also have a squeaky wheel sound under it that shifts ear to ear. Broke down and took a benzo last night. I was trying to stop those.
       
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    17. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      I know, James. I'm trying to taper off benzos after I tapered pregabalin, but the tinnitus is maddening. I can't stand it. I probably have to taper more slow. I can't sleep.
       
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    18. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      I don't know why I even use Xanax. It only gives me few hours of sleep. Do you still work?
       
    19. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Ok, after Coronavirus is done.
       
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    20. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Can opening a jar cause ear pain? My left ear pain is so severe right now. I don't know what increased the pain again.

      I am so tired of this. I want to fucking die!

      I can't get any advice for this.
       
    21. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      Tinnitus rules my days and owns my nights. I have lost. I now must accept my suffering to prevent the destruction of others. My only resolve is to pray He provides that mercy.
       
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    22. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      I managed to hang to work so far but barely. In fact now with the lockdown I should be working from home but with this level of noise I'm not sure I can continue. I'm very worried for the future of my children.
       
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    23. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      I am too. It's been very loud in the house with all us home. My tinnitus seems even louder these days. Do you have a spouse to help you? Last night I had to take another benzo for sleep. Habituation is so out of reach. None of my family have any idea the severity of my head noise... I feel so lost.
       
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    24. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      What caused it to get extreme for you? How are you able to do any thing?
       
    25. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      My spouse used to think it was all in my head and that I should just snap out of it. She has been resentful a long time that I would not snap out of it. She even talks about separation. It got slightly better recently, she is being more reasonable. I rarely if at all talk about it with her but she sees I'm sick and desperate clearly, even if I don't talk about it. You see, once the ENTs have done most of their tests (that are largely inadequate for tinnitus, as the science is not there) rather than saying "we don't know", a few of them say "here, see this psychiatrist/psychologist, it will help". So you get classified by your relatives as someone with mental health problems, which could be a consequence of tinnitus but have nothing or little to do with why you have tinnitus in the first place. Mine came with an ear infection. But as soon as I was told to see a psychologist my wife thought it was a mental health problem. Mental health problems can be really horrible but with debilitating intrusive tinnitus we need help with the symptom first. Benzos seem to help some people and ruin others, but long term they are quite a gamble for everyone as if one hits tolerance it's hell. Shulman et al advocate Clonazepam plus gabapentin, a combo of antiseizure drugs, a benzo and a gabapentinoid. I'm trying to come off benzos after coming off pregabalin, the ugly sister of gabapentin, but as I drop the tinnitus gets even worse and I don't know if I will have the strength to keep my life together. My poor children need a functioning father. This bloody condition has destroyed me. Once one is completely off it may take at least 3-6 months to feel better IF it was the drug, but sometimes it can take up to two years or longer. We have valiant people in this forum who tapered off benzos and are fighting to go back to a less insane tinnitus. I know one lady whose tinnitus disappeared one year after she went off pregabalin. Many improve from benzo-worsened tinnitus. So it's not always permanent damage, sometimes the brain heals.
      However, if you have not been taking xanax continually for at least 4-6 weeks this might not apply to you. It's hard to understand whether our worsened tinnitus is due to drugs or other factors. For example my kept worsening while I was on pregabalin, but it's not clear it's the drug. My virus could still be there and doing damage. No doctor has tested this, they just do nothing. It's so frustrating. You are left to try a torturing taper for months and months hoping it's the drug, but if you are wrong you will end up worse than ever, with unbearable tinnitus and no drug to dampen it. But we have no choice, we need to know.
       
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    26. acute
      Depressed

      acute Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music, stress and meds.
      The reality is that no one will come to save us. No one can help us. No one is going to help us. Nothing is going to save us. We are completely trapped. We can only accept this suffering, who is going to do that? Who wants to do that? Who wants to accept tinnitus destroyed their life? Who can? Who wants to accept tinnitus is gonna be there for the rest of their existence? In the brain. Torturing. Who can bear a life of hell and suffering? I have provoked myself a stomach ulcer few weeks ago, obviously I was not going to get anything, the whole thing was useless, I just go off for a few hours. I just wanna stop fighting. Stop suffering. It's enough. It's time to left this inhuman existence.

      My existence is regrettable. I am too, all of this is totally regrettable, and stupid. The universe is absurd. Nothing makes any sense.

      I am very sorry for all of us here. I'm really sorry. The place where we all find ourselves cannot be other than the closest thing to hell that exists on this planet. No one deserves this. No one.

      I just wanna die in peace.
       
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    27. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      My wife is supportive but wearing thin because the amount of distress I've caused with my own suffering. I have taken .5 Xanax for about a month and was free for a couple days but unable to sleep at all. Now I'm back on it. My Dr think it's mental as they prescribed Lexapro to help me cope with the anxiety and depression. I'm no longer battling those issues though, it now is the reality of my situation. My tinnitus is noise induced and I didn't protect myself. I have no idea if Xanax had worsened it because it's been really bad since the beginning of March. I know my family is scared. I've told my wife to leave me and take the kids so they are sheltered from my future (however bad it goes) but she refused. I don't want them to hurt but I'm hurting so much. It really is unfathomable that a person should ever be in this situation. I feel @Chinmoku it's an impossible situation. I don't know how you keep it to yourself. It must be difficult. I break down every single day in regret and despair. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you find relief by eliminating the meds. I unfortunately doubt mine would improve that way since it came on prior. I just don't want to lose their effectiveness since that would leave me without any sleep aid. I just can't believe this had happened.
       
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    28. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      No one deserves this. Ever. I am so sorry for you. The issue is there is no way for anyone to help us. It's incurable which means your only option is up accept, cope, and adapt your life. All seem so impossible and unrewarding. I spend so much time on here it's depressing. Looking for hope. I discovered there is none unless your a first timer with low tinnitus. After that it just worsens. I can't imagine the next level when I can't make it at this level.
       
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    29. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown; Likely autoimmune; Certainly not noise-induced
      It's tough as hell for spouses as well. I think we should be way more upset with the "experts" publishing pseudoscience -- and the narcissistic ENT's who look at a basic hearing test and think they know your ears.

      From a family member's perspective, they are not in your body and all of the "experts" are insisting that you need to treat the mental health. Just look at this.
      upload_2020-3-28_10-1-40.png

      Why does this show up like that? That paragraph should be in a hidden corner of the internet with a few people having anecdotal success that they have failed to differentiate from the correlations of time and standard care. How can we be upset with our families when this is propagated everywhere as the golden standard?

      My family has been fully supportive, but even they've sometimes struggled with kind of thing. I know if I was in their shoes, I would as well. How can you not?

      Scientific authorities are not supposed to lie. Period. Jastreboff is a fraud. I'm a mathematician. You don't think I could come up with a mathematical model for this? The difference is that I wouldn't advertise it as the f*cking cure. This is so embarrassing to the scientific community.

      Our families should be listening to doctors. The problem is they shouldn't be lying. Short of our family members being abusive monsters, it's important that we don't let frauds rip our families apart.
       
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    30. James1977
      No Mood

      James1977 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/19/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      IMAX Movie
      I have it like you, high pitch, both ears, multiple sounds. How did you find it possible to habituate?
       

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