Suicidal

Evening All,
My right ears fuc*ked. Numbness, fullness, tingling, burning, aching but blessedly no real problem with tinnitus.

6 weeks into this after 2 seconds of screechy tyre and *possibly* made worse by a gentle valsalva. I can't tell if it did make me worse but the thought is now stuck in my head.

The S word's a constant ideation but I keep going for my kids and my family.

Things have a teeny but improved over the past 2 weeks so I'm clinging on to the hope I may come through the other side.

Good luck guys.
Shaun.

 

Before tinnitus, I never had problems falling asleep and staying asleep.
When I woke up, I would be refreshed and remembered nothing (no dreams).

Because of tinnitus, I now get about 2-3 hours of "sleep" per night (if lucky).
The reason I put the word sleep in quotation marks is the fact that it consists of about 2-3 hours of vivid nightmares.
This is why this condition is a 24/7 waking nightmare, since I wake up from one nightmare right into another one.

Continues cycle of inhumane torture, anxiety and suicidal thoughts with no help available.
I'm honestly surprised how far I have made it considering these circumstances.
Clinging to memories of my past life before tinnitus keeps me alive for now, but those memories are fading more and more every day.

 

Yup yup, buzzing, ringing, multiple tones and the high pitch screech to top. Yes, acoustic trauma, and yes mine kind of reduced after trauma only to develop into full blown tinnitus months later.
That's the reality of it and why we are considered disabled... because we lose health/normal functioning including sleep. For me, I don't even try to sleep before 1am-2am on every night... sometimes I get lucky and fall asleep 12:30.
Right now it's almost one year since my second major noise trauma causing the increase and it's still not settled... new tones popped in every few months from even noise that would not do anything in my old tinnitus.
It's very scary.

 

We gotta hang in there mate. Do you have somebody to live for?

 

My noise is out of control today. I did a lot of mowing grass on a nice John Deere garden tractor. I’m not sure how to shut it off. Nothing seems to work.

 

Outdoor noise does F all for louder hissing type tinnitus, it's a different frequency. It won't mask even if you are next to a barge air horn. If the shower masks/faucet... you're still good.

 

I will make a controversial statement here:

Only mentally tough folks can survive severe tinnitus for long... weaker folks will break a lot faster.

There was a guy on here few years back who posted for a bit and we were Skype friends.

The guy was an MMA hopeful. He developed moderate tinnitus and hyperacusis... didn't last 6 months because his gf dumped him because he couldn't go to clubs no more and his future in MMA was over... He just could not accept the fact that his life was changed as he knew it...

Now when we talk about very severe tinnitus or very severe hyperacusis, the least of your worries will be not becoming an MMA fighter.

People with mild/moderate/mildly severe tinnitus can still have a great to ok life... Once tinnitus goes over that, all bets are off.

 

OK, although the hiss is still very loud and can hear it over most everything, it passed the shower test.

 

I'm there with you, guys. I'm in the deep waters. I don't know how to go on

 

So he lost his partner and his career because of this condition and ended up suiciding? Poor guy. He was not weak. None of us who struggle with this condition are.

Here's my controversial opinion:

I wish people would just support each other instead of complaining that their tinnitus is worse than everyone else's so only they have the right to struggle with it. It's a subjective condition -- you cannot tell someone else what 'level' their tinnitus is, or how they should feel about it.

 

Let's hope it stays that way or improves.

 

Yeah I just remembered his name, Nick Williams, from Australia. Great guy, RIP.
Oh he was physically like a bull, but could not deal with life's BS.

You can deny it all you want and be politically correct, but there are weak mentally just like there is weak physically.
One is not dependent on the other.

 

Yeah, not sure why his physicality has been mentioned at all because as you say it's not relevant. RIP to him.

My point was, I'm not comfortable with people who have suicided being called weak on a suicide thread -- I think it's the wrong place for that particular opinion. It sounds like he had to deal with a lot of really devastating sh*t and it's easy for others to judge that and say that they could deal with it better, but you just do not know that.

I don't say that to sound correct as you suggest, I say it because I mean it. Sometimes people do genuinely disagree with each other.

 

@LindaS This is a really good post to describe the biggest problem with hyperacusis (how misunderstood it is by those who don't suffer from it). I always find myself thinking of ways to really describe what hyperacusis is like to live with. I don't want to down play ANY illness but I have thought so many times what I would swap my hyperacusis for. I'd swap my hyperacusis for my legs, my arms, (more than likely both arms and legs), Id swap it for cancer if there was a reasonable amount of time left to cram in some good living, HIV, my eyesight, there's not much I'd would not trade it for. Even things like poverty, losing all my material possessions, being placed in a war torn country, basically anything except the loss of a loved one (or any life for that matter).

I lost everything except the ones I love with hyperacusis, it's not comparable to any other illness. The closest I can get to comparing it with anything else, is that it's almost like a 'fully awake locked-in syndrome'. You can view life through a big glass window but you can't take part in it, and as soon as you try to, you get shocked back to reality in pain. Life is now either one of 2 things for me, excruciating pain accompanied with fear and anxiety and the need to protect at all costs not to make it even worse, or, when pain eventually subsides it becomes a soul destroyingly boring existence full of recurring nightmares by night about what life was like before and crushing flashbacks by day to all kinds of times in my life (mostly school days) to when there was so much joy and optimism in life. I can't believe sometimes what my life has become. I can / (have no choice but to) spend days hunched over a laptop just flicking between Facebook (which I never post on unless it's an hyperacusis group), a couple of news sites, and here just hoping for updates. It's so truly shit.

I have a good friend who has a generally successful but ongoing battle with cancer and again I don't want to play down cancer AT ALL, but there is still a lot of hope and life to live even with something like cancer. I have never had cancer, but from what I see, it is a challenge, a battle, and a reason to fight to live. It can be defeated. There is no hope with hyperacusis, there is no fight, it wins every time if you dare even try, and there is no proper regard among the medical profession as to how awful it is, there is no support system for it, you're on your own. A doctor once asked me what my symptoms were so I said the classic, 'I can't handle clinking dishes any more', so he laughs and says at least you get out of the washing up. It's like saying to a cancer patient about to undergo chemo, at least you'll save some money on shampoo, or telling a newly paralyzed person, at least you've got an excuse not to get out of bed now. Hyperacusis is like a joke, even to the medical profession when it should be treated like a life changing condition such as cancer or paralysis.

What scares me so much about hyperacusis is that it is so unsupported and is such a frightening place to be because of this. When I got hyperacusis I did not know what to do for a very long time, I instantly faded away from all friend groups I had and disappeared off the map. Still years on, only 6 of the people closest to me know about my condition, and they all, to varying degrees still don't get what it means to be careful when around me. This group of people try their the hardest so I can only imagine what it would be like for my other friends to know about this and still be around, it would never work. All my old friend groups are generally noisy, into music, going out, generally larking about and living life to the full so what use is any of that to me now. Music was my life, for the first few years I kept my instruments and music gear but now I have sold everything because it was either hurting me because I couldn't resist using it or it was killing me to look at it.

I'm terrified of ever ending up in an uncontrollable situation such as a war zone, a riot, a police cell, an overcrowded hospital, a mental ward, a fight, the need to HAVE to take a very ototoxic medication for another condition etc., something that you just can't get away from. I would be screwed. Any visibly disabled person would at least not have the instant crippling pain from the noise, but also would have people recognizing their condition and trying to help them out like for example, wheelchair bound, cerebral palsy, amputee, downs, blind, even deaf/mute with hearing aids. But I already know that no-one could accommodate someone suffering with hyperacusis, you'd already have had a massive set back by the time you'd tried to explain your condition to someone, (It's almost worth considering cutting off one of my legs so that I now at least look disabled). Hence the reason I only feel safe now on my own or with a very few trusted people around. It is so hard to accept that this is probably for life now. Regen meds start to give me less and less hope for hyperacusis because hyperacusis just does not seem to fit under the umbrella of what those meds are trying to fix, as much as I'd like to believe they will help in some way.

I have thought about suicide many times over the years and personally certain drugs I've been prescribed have not helped my mind set one bit in this regard so I never take them now, even if I'm in pain, so once again, hyperacusis wins and must be tackled in isolation and without any medical help in my case, the only thing I have is the hope of keeping a strong mind. I doubt I could ever commit suicide anyway as I have people in my life and in particular someone depending on me who means so much to me regardless of my pain, and as useless as my life is to me, it is not useless to them. Just because I wouldn't do it though it does not mean that I don't spend a very unhealthy amount of time thinking about it.

I wish and pray more than anything that the reality of this condition can be finally understood and acknowledged by the doctors (URGENTLY!) and exposed for the hell that it is, and that something can be done to give us a life back or at least some proper support.

 

I am in a loud area too. I can't move. :-(

I can only guess frequent loud noise can make tinnitus permanently worse but it's isolated incidents but it's impossible to know what those will be.

 

Yours sounds bad and I have a similar experience. But, my ears have pain too. I don't know if it is related or some other health condition contributes to it. I have been offered theories like high blood pressure.

The unique problem others with serious health problems don't have is that this condition is not visible and although it is a disability, the government doesn't care and won't acknowledge it. Even if you could get disability payments afterwards citing severe tinnitus, it doesn't help your physical condition. It just makes the suffering go along with some extra money.

But, governments require you to cite psychological and mental issues so therefore, you suffer through their resistance to grant you disability status. It's inhumane and there's nothing that can be done about it. At least, that is my experience and subsequent conclusion.

 

@100Hz

Some 100 years from now, the medical profession will admit how callous and barbaric was their treatment of those who were experiencing a medical emergency in the form of severe hyperacusis or tinnitus (or both).
Instead of trying to help them in their darkest hour, they just stood there making jokes while questioning their mental health.

Just like yourself, I would hack off any limb or accept any type of cancer in exchange for silence, as both give you at least a fighting chance at enjoying what is left of life (albeit for a short time with a terminal disease).
Severe tinnitus and hyperacusis do not offer you this option whatsoever.
Because of their erratic and underhanded nature, there is nothing to fight.

Severe tinnitus & hyperacusis are not compatible with normal life.
It is like being dead, except your physical body is still alive, being tortured in the most disgusting, inhumane way possible.
Watching the world go by as you are at a stand-still, as if you were frozen in time.
This state is actually worse than death, as I can't imagine anything more disturbing than the nightmare of being stuck in a perpetual high alert mode, without being able to sleep, relax or enjoy anything (no matter how small) ever again.

I know this won't make you feel any better, but you have my sympathy as I understand exactly what you are going through.
There are many on this board in the same situation and they truly do understand.

 

Veteran's off themselves all the time because of hearing disorders and the National Center for hearing and deafness and VA don't give a F.

 

@PeteJ

I actually like being out there because it blends with all the crazy noises in my ear. Pure silence is the worst. I don’t think 55 dB can be harmful.

 

Hypotheticals never get us anywhere.

 

That is true.

However these hypotheticals do help to illustrate the level of distress some of us are in, as regular words simply fall short at describing the horrid nature of this condition.

 

I just got an injection into my neck in the C7 area and it seemed to help my 3 numb fingers already. I wish we could do the same for severe tinnitus. I did ask the Dr. for a repeat injection to my left TMJ. My noise was horrible this morning and seemed to calm down after a nap. It usually is the opposite. I understand how brutal tinnitus can be.

 

Thank you for writing this post. O´boy how I can relate.

I will cut my tensor tympani muscles surgically in October as a desperate move to se if it helps my noxacusis.

If it helps me I'll let you know. If it does not, it's gabapentin and benzo or/and final solution for me.

 

I don't feel suicidal, but I think I've hit a pretty severe depression. I really want to live and movie on past the tinnitus noise.

But every time I feel like I'm doing well I crash is right around the corner.

It's weird feeling this low, but I'm happy the suicidal thoughts of tinnitus haven't crept back.

@CAgirl I get you. I like the noisier places too because it helps.

 

@Shera. I’m not suicidal either but did have a nervous breakdown yesterday after three nights of no sleep and a month of raging sounds in my head. I want to live though and move past this. I just hate it so much. I think mine is severely loud so hard to cope with no matter how positive I am.

 

Going to vent a bit, beware of depressing thoughts.

Is it crazy to decide to stay at home when since 2018 my tinnitus only got worse even from daily noise? It's like I'm walking towards a pit of sharks everytime I venture to live a somewhat normal life. I still can't believe what's happening. I used to be able to still take walks around the city, go to malls, restaurants. Looking back I want to blame myself, maybe I could've done more besides just wearing musician earplugs. I even started using double protection and all the supplements people talk about here.

My audiogram is fine (I don't have access to high frequency one) and stayed the same but my tinnitus keeps increasing. Not being able to go out into the world will slowly make me feel more disconnected and sad. It's like I'm the Titanic seeing the iceberg coming. I can't find a way to steer from that path. I have admiration for people that can handle loud and severe tinnitus and retain some quality of life.

I don't want to go on antidepressants.

So frustrating there's nothing I can do about it, but what's worse about tinnitus is that life is just there out of reach, teasing you and you're watching it through a window.

At this point not ending up homeless in the future seems successful.

 

I feel you mines severely loud too. When it was mild I was over it and would forget about it, but with it severe and loud all the time I'm just . . . ugh.

People who say volume doesn't matter are crazy. (At least that's how I feel.) When my tinnitus gets a bit quieter for a while everything just feels better.

 

I agree!! Volume is everything!!

 

I think it's unacceptable and strange to say that the person always has a mental problem, and that mental problem is always before tinnitus. They never think that anyone who has intrusive tinnitus cannot be without a mental problem, because it is impossible for a person not to be affected, mentally, with this constant torture that is tinnitus. That is why a lawyer in the USA always puts tinnitus noises on the jury (when it was caused or made worse by negligence) and everyone screams, at the same moment, to turn off the recording. He asks: who would like to live with this noise all day in your ear and / or head? And everyone replies: no one!

 

I agree. I told my GP that folks tell me I have high BP. I explained that when my tinnitus gets intrusive it stresses my nurvis system and in turn ramps up everything else. He just blamed it on anxiety and had me try AD's which did fuck all.