Suicidal

Haha, I know I sure did. I've been this way for the last 18 years of my life. But now I have a legit reason to feel that way.

I'm not as nihilistic about life, even though yes in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters. But what really gets me is that society is so life obsessed. Live live live. You have the right to live (depends), but no right to die. At least, in the US. I know it's much more complicated than that but I just find this obsession with trying to keep people alive who are in pain or have zero quality of life.

I know this topic is a bit controversial though.

 

@Daniel Lion is Tinnitus Talk's OG Good Guy.

 

Yeah lol I had no real reason to be depressed or anxious before hyperacusis.

 

That is so awesome that you had some relief for a few hours! You know it is possible! I'll keep praying for you that there is a solution.

twa

 

Yes I agree, ENTs are not for us. They are good for prescribing antibiotics for a respiratory infection.

 

God damn. You know the funniest thing about this is if I just had normal hyperacusis or literally any level of tinnitus I wouldn't even have a reason to browse this forum. I can live with any level of tinnitus and not care. Even mild hyperacusis, ok. I've had tinnitus so loud, I would drive 80 mph on the interstate and my tinnitus would be so loud I couldn't even hear the road noise underneath it. I don't have that anymore thankfully.

But the only reason why I hopelessly browse through Tinnitus Talk is because of sound distortions, music was the greatest love of my life and it's just gone. I've never thought about suicide seriously until this happened and I've been through so much torture in my life already. Nothing is ever going to get better and each day I'm closer and closer to drugging myself to death.

 

I heavily relate to this.

I have had severe nerve pain, vertigo episodes that lasted up to 48 hours of full rotational vertigo. Have lost a fiance 20 years ago to death and my (now ex) husband left me after my hearing issues after being extremely cruel about it.

I have tinnitus currently. It's moderate but initially it was much more severe but nothing makes me felt like dying until I lost music.

It's a scar that will literally never heal for me. It may sound superficial to some but it was my joy in life. It allowed me to deal with all of my other bad lots.

 

Wouldn't tinnitus so loud you can't hear the road also ruin music?

 

Not a problem as I can just crank the music even louder and still hear at least some of it. Now music doesn't even sound like music to me.

 

If your MEM is like my doctor suspects mine might be, I read that you can have surgery. They go in and sever one of those muscles that is contracting to stop the problem. They report that the success rate is very high on that procedure. You are still young too, so it shouldn't be a very dangerous surgery I hope.

Yours must not be MEM? When I woke up today, mine has subsided mostly.

 

Ah sorry to hear that :/

 

I have a similar experience with you because of my heart problem. I can no longer enjoy any alcoholic beverages, and I really enjoyed white wine. We took a family trip to Italy and I only had 2 glasses of wine the whole time. That sucked. Alcohol triggers heart arrhythmias in me and if it gets bad enough I end up in the ER. That happened 2x. I had to give it up. Salty food or eating too much in a sitting can do it too. It really does sucks being young and not able to do the things most normal people do. I like taking my car to the track and driving it as hard as I can, but in the back of my mind I'm worried I will have heart trouble doing it. Heck, I got too worked up playing computer games 2x now, my defibrillator had to fire off to save my life.

You just have to take one day at a time and try to plan things that will give you enjoyment to get your mind off the problem. When I'm having fun I usually forget the ringing in my ears and my heart problem. This COVID-19 has made it really hard on so many of us because we don't get out like we used to. Once the virus has been beaten, we can enjoy life a lot more.

 

So is a neurologist the best to see? My father in law is a retired neurologist from the Cleveland Clinic network. I mentioned my ear vibrations to him in an email. He is the one that suggested it could be the beta blocker.

 

Man, I can understand your sadness at not being able to hear music the way it was recorded. I'm a stereophile and have a decent audio set up in my home with Martin Logan Prodigy speakers. I love how they sound so realistic. I'd not want to say goodbye to that.

What happens to music and other sounds when you hear it? Right now I just have the high pitched ringing I've had for over 30 years and I can handle that. I've also got the thumping sound now that comes and goes in my left ear. Feels like I have a bug in there crawling around. Horrible.

 

For a while I had extremely bad diplacusis. Which means that I stopped perceiving pitches correctly. I don't know if you are a musician but essentially things sounded either very sharp or very flat and sometimes certain instruments would be completely inaudible except for a few notes. There would also be like a modulated sine wave on top of this that would come from the source of sound. That went away but now music still just sounds like aimless noise to me. You are a stereophile so I am sure you are aware of what clipping is, all music sounds like severe clipping to me, all of the high frequencies are merged into a singular blob of sound that is very whistly and whooshy.

 

Hi,

There is another member @Tom Cnyc. He has been in a band since his teens. He had an acoustic trauma and recovered. It might help to talk to another musician like him.

twa

 

Yes, a neuro-otologist, specializes in the ear/brain. ENTs are really not very well trained to deal with what we have. The first ENT I went to didn't even tell me that I had had an acoustic trauma. I found out almost 6 weeks later.

 

Tom is no longer active. His story is similar to me though less severe. What's striking is the fact that he had a "feedback" response to a particular note just like I did when I was suffering from diplacusis. Thank God that went away but music is still far from sounding like music and at any rate I will have to drastically change my lifestyle.

 

@Pulsing Ear,

I'm actually really thankful for COVID-19 right now, as screwed up as it sounds. Before I got tinnitus & hyperacusis I was enjoying the lockdown. I'm kind of a homebody by nature anyway. But I still would go out for drives and stuff and enjoy the emptiness of the world.

Now I can't even do that. Going outside at all is a risk. When the world returns to normal I still won't be able to do anything. Having hyperacusis is kind of my lockdown by default.

My friends will get back to traveling and hanging out but I'll be stuck in hospice care. In fact, I extra won't because too many people will be out and about. Even during COVID-19 I'd have surprise noise insults in low populated areas with not many people around. I have very bad luck.

 

He just posted last month. He doesn’t post often, but if you message him he is likely to respond. I know I get email notifications when I receive a message.

 

I messaged him weeks ago and have yet to get a response.

 

He may not be active, but I talk to him from time to time. I use the message or conversation feature. I hope you start to see improvement soon.

It's not easy, especially if they are loud and you have hyperacusis.

 

Same. I developed hyperacusis pretty soon after being laid off early this year. If the virus hadn’t happened I would have had to quit and therefore be ineligible for unemployment benefits. My parents are supportive but they aren’t getting any younger.

 

Well I will answer for myself, yes it's like in my face 24/7. When I'm outside I hear it as if I'm indoors - a screechy sound, drill, saw, whatever you want to call it. But indoors in a quiet setting I hear a very loud whine as well, which I developed since last year's noise trauma.

I might also add that my old high pitch tinnitus was always heard outside but more mellowy kind of not as intrusive and I had my life back 85%... I am in living hell right now, having also gotten hyperacusis again, my life is now at zero.

Tinnitus can get worse, that's for sure.

 

Sorry I keep posting but does anyone else have people in their lives that wronged them, and they get to live happily ever after and you're stuck like this? It seems like life kicks my ass constantly and rewards everyone else. And I hate it.

 

My place of employment had JUST opened back up before I got hyperacusis. After my accident I had breathing issues and it was affecting my work. A guest (I worked at a hotel) reported my breathing issues and was afraid I had COVID-19 so I essentially got laid off. I had been planning to put my 2 weeks to figure out what was up but they hadn't even gone by.

Not a peep from my boss 6 months later about being eligible for anything. Now I have to have a friend take care of me and I'm just living off my savings. My parents were supporting me but same deal, not getting any younger. It sucks. But I am thankful we have an excuse to stay indoors.

 

I know people that live an unhealthy lifestyle and yet they are much more healthy than me. I've got a close friend that smoke 3 packs a day and is healthy as a horse. It's frustrating.

 

Sorry to say, but this kind of thing is one of the reasons why I'm not religious (among other reasons).

 

Same. I absolutely do not believe in karma either.

 

I always imagined idiots skipping through a minefield and coming out unscathed.. Then the careful ones who plan, overthink, and make all the right moves, take one careful step and get blown up instantly.