Suicidal

Hey, man. I don't blame you for wanting to take off your earplugs. It's only human to want some relief from this hell that is tinnitus. You could have done everything by the book with protection and still get f**ked over. I did, just the post above yours. I guess it's just a matter of time before something out of your control happens. However, from now try to wear at least earplugs to have better odds. No one can say if your spike will be temporary, to be honest.

About the NAC. I now take NAC 600 mg from NOW brand. In the past I took NAC 600 mg from Jarrow Formulas. But I can't find the latter anymore. I don't know if any of them is better. People say NAC is good for "preventing damage". I take it so I can say I do everything I can.

If it makes you feel better, as in misery loves company, I've been taking shelves of supplements and in the end it still amounted to nothing. I don't even bother with ENTs or neurologists cause they're useless. I know everytime I am exposed to excessive noise I am additionally f**ked as if the tinnitus wasn't already bad enough as it is...

So... I advise you to take NAC and wear earplugs even if you think you're safe. Wish you well.

 

What is catastrophic level?

 

Get into a Russian tank and wait...

 

My hyperacusis was improving, but for whatever reason I am going back to square 1.

I haven’t really been around anything loud. I did start to listen to music on my phone speaker and watch tvTV could that been the culprit?

I’m truly exhausted and everyday I lose hope and I am losing the battle. My suicidal thoughts are becoming ever stronger with every single gut clenching stabbing pain I get on my ears. My tinnitus is moderate I would say, and I seem to be habituating to it, which is good, but when will this goddamn ear pain stop? How long until we have a treatment? Can someone give me some hope? I think about suicide being a real option now. I have been thinking of the least painful way to do it.

I also must add that I have a shit load of other health issues, so if tinnitus and hyperacusis don’t take me, it will be one of the others. Someone please give me some hope.

 

Artificial audio and crappy speakers like phone speakers are extremely hard on hyperacusis ears in many cases. It’s sucks but take a break from those things as much as possible. I had to give up tv and music for almost two years to heal when I was at a point of improvement. I’m back in hell now unfortunately.

 

@GoatSheep, why are you back in hell? Hyperacusis is back for you?

 

Would you know why those are bad for hyperacusis ears specifically?

 

I had a noxacusis setback yes. Doing really bad.

 

I’ve seen people say the way the speakers reproduce the sound. Like more tinny for phone speakers or with lots of mid frequency emphasis for most consumer speakers. I’m not completely sure. Tons of people have problems with artificial audio though.

 

Gotcha. I only ask because I listen to that daily and not sure if it’s making it worse lol.

 

@GoatSheep, what caused your setback? What kind of pain do you get?

 

A trip to a record store where they started playing music on the stereo at a “safe” dB level. I get aching all in my ears, face and neck. Some in my hands and even feet.

 

Just learned of Brian P's death.

Living on the edge stinks. Raging tinnitus is so hard. I have no idea how we hold on.

Enough Valium, a lot, will quiet my tinnitus, but it makes me super volatile and suicidal. I can't use drugs now, nothing works.

My tinnitus has ramped up and having some ear pain in my right side which took the brunt of my acoustic trauma.

Blah blah freaking blah.

RIP Brian P.

Speechless, so sorry to read this today.

 

Don’t worry about the blahs. Vent if you need to. We are listening.

 

It's so rough, Daniel. I wonder how we made it so far, my friend. I also eat Clonazepam but it helps very little. It's probably doing things worse but can't stop it.

Brian P was so unlucky, Meniere's plus COVID-19 shot reaction plus Clonazepam withdrawal. Too much for anyone.

Let's live one more day.

 

I'm having a day of it as well it *&in sucks!

 

Hi Deb,

First of all sorry for the late reply. I have not been on Tinnitus Talk for sometime and just noticed that I had an alert to your post yesterday after login. I have never tried Vitex, but I am aware of it being used for balancing hormones. I don't know of anybody that has actually tried it though.

Years ago I did try natural remedies for my hormonal issues but they did not seem to give me any relief. I tried taking progesterone from a compounding pharmacy which was a cream that you rubbed into your wrists nightly but this did nothing for me either.

Perimenopause/menopause has been a nightmare for me. I had many quiet years after my noise induced tinnitus first appeared but then hormonal changes started happening and the tinnitus came back. Started looking for answers and meds to help and I ended up worse off.

Please be careful with what you try, some of the medications neurologists list to help tinnitus have severe side effects. Unfortunately most psychiatric drugs do, they can fix one problem and cause serious others.

I am sure you are aware of that

I really feel for you Deb, I hope you find something that can help you without causing you further harm

My tinnitus goes through the roof ten days of every month, I am sure it is still some sort of hormonal shift that causes the unbearable spike but getting to the bottom of it is not easy. I am still searching for answers myself

I did see you were thinking about LDN, I know of someone who is thinking of giving this a try for CFS. Probably start with ULDN if you're going to give this a try.

 

Thanks @Wrfortiscue! Nice to meet, even under our ridiculous circumstances.

@Chinmoku, I am grateful for our friendship and your support. I hold you in high in very high esteem and am always pulling for you.

Exercise and clean living really helps me. I am feeling better today. Try and exercise if you can, it releases the natural chemicals that help us chill. Don't give up @Chinmoku, keep digging. Exercise, meditation and yoga are the only way I can see if one is not too lean on drugs.

I really do love you my brother, I am not shy to say it, so there it is.

Hello @bobvann, I like your posts and wanted to respond to a few on Tinnitus Truths that resonated with me but I didn't get around to it. You got this brother, it's a beast, we go up and down and some how endure.

I've always have been an animal, peddle to the metal, and am lucky I didn't die earlier and it is not really surprising that I got struck down with this affliction, but there you go... I digress.

I was thinking of you today when I was working out. One of the many awesome things about living in east bum _uck is I have the gym and pool to myself regularly and it's quiet. Exercise at odd times, even 4 am if you have to, just a thought. I know you like lifting as I have read your posts.

I know you still have a sense of humor and I had a wee chuckle to myself today. I was thinking of all the awesome and kind people I've met on this forum and what it would be like to have a party. That's what made me laugh, the thought of all these hearing traumatized soles going to a party, eyes popping out of their heads, an impossibility. That was funny to me, I thought you might appreciate that as well? I then envisioned everybody in a hot jacuzzi, or walking around with white towels going in and out of steam rooms and relaxing pools. That would be quiet and healing, just what we all need on this forum.

Take care friend, wishing you better days , see you when I see you,
D

 

I have been back at the gym for 2 months. You are right about working out & releasing tension. I just wear wax earplugs lightly not to overprotect vs. my custom musician earplugs. They are there in case some plates & machines get a little loud. I can adjust on the fly.

I sold my drums & retired from the instrument.

To be clear about the "Tinnitus Truths," do you think I take pleasure in them? Don't people think I (& I am sure most of us) would prefer for TRT, CBT, Lenire etc to help as advertised?

TRT seems to have evolved from the 80s where it was required to wear WNGs and use white noise to using different hearing devices and different soundscapes. It was all in the literature I was given last year.

I think this was the 9th Audiologist I saw. 4 or 5 have refused to sell me aids, one of them actually stated "come see me when you have hearing loss."

What has been most revealing is the response from the Health Authority admitting that the therapies are not successful for everyone due to them being the "go to's" & leaders in my medical community.

Even those that defend TRT still suffer & give advice to avoid certain situations.

I thought the point of true habituation, from the way I understand it, is to live life without it being an issue or bothersome.

I guess it means different things to different folks.

 

Just to update. I’m still here and it’s still shit. No point saying otherwise.

I’m on antidepressants and in counselling and it’s a bit like recovery from addiction. One day at a time.

It’s oppressive at times and quiet rooms are my nemesis but have found podcasts to help get to sleep and am coping.

The tinnitus itself is either better (it is actually, it’s no longer louder than the shower) or I’ve habituated but it’s still the focus in my life. The first thing I hear in waking and the last battle I have at night.

BUT... the bit in between is ok. Not great but ok. Waking to the nightmare ahead affects mental health and that’s a biggy but the day to day activities we all do distract. Sleeping I have found podcasts and they send me off. I must always have a chargers phone because if I get up to use the toilet or anything in the middle of the night I’m dependent on background noise to get me back to sleep be that ambient white noise or spoken word.

My quality of life has been hugely impacted. But I am no longer suicidal. And believe me please. I was. Possibly antidepressants have helped but the message I now mean to get across is:

It’s shit. But you can deal with it. For now. One day at a time. Don’t think about the future and long term. Just get through tomorrow. Everyday.

Thanks and god bless.

 

Hi @bobvann,

For me the Tinnitus Truths thread is a place to talk honestly about what tinnitus has done to you, changed you. It is a place where people can give tips on coping, express their anguish or grief from suffering. A place to encourage and help others cope, to express empathy and ultimately ways to embrace the powerful force of love which is the light to the darkness, sometimes the one thing that keeps us going. Ultimately it is a place for people to express what is true for themselves and the experience of tinnitus.

I have not habituated, but there are moments, 5 years on now, where my mind is freed from the burden from tinnitus. Perhaps today when I was swimming laps and I was counting the numbers off like a mantra, I was more occupied with exercise and breathing. As I write you now, I hear it but it isn't destroying me. Sleeping, which I don't do a lot of, it is more annoying. I go in and out from hour to hour of it coming in and out of my mane focus. My tinnitus is always loud and never stops. I had an acoustic accident, trauma, and had SSNHL. I was left with tinnitus and hyperacusis and significant hearing loss, like a ski slope on my audiogram. I live in the third world and there are no ENTs here. I managed after a few weeks to make it to a supposedly good hospital across the border in Thailand. My heart rate was 184, I was literally pissing myself, in total utter horrific pain. Like a nail had been driven into my brain, quite literally. The ENT was shit, didn't bother to give me steroid injections, it was probably too late, and sent me on my way with 2 bags of SSRIs, called Zoloft, and suggested I sleep with a fan. After a few months I discovered benzos and self medicated on Valium. I had my 3 kids and wife all in the same room as I had been building our house. I had teaching in schools, responsibilities, etc. My life was turned upside down...

Fast forward to now, I am in a much better place. I don't use Valium anymore, I'm drug free, pretty much 2 and half years now. The house is finished, I have a garden and a bunch of other cool shit I am grateful for. My children saved me and I saved myself by forces unknown to me. I think it was love, sounds corny... I can't work in schools anymore because of the noise.

I live on a knife's edge and know that I, or any of us here, could be @Allan1967, @Danny Boy, or @Brian P tomorrow. Those are just a few names I know of. There are thousands I don't.

As far as TRT, hearing aids and masking go, for me personally, the idea scares the living shit out of me. The thought of blasting noise into my ears after a noise acoustic trauma is out of the question. My ears wouldn't stand a chance, I have had way too much nerve damage, I felt my nerves twitching and frying for certain. That is an absolute ludicrous way to habituation for me. I tried listening to beeping weird shit on YouTube after I was struck down and fairly quickly found masking futile. Taking the bull by the horns was better for me. I pass no judgement on other sufferers. Some people like masking, some need benzos, some need this or that... "Whatever works", is fine by me. CBT, is a way of thinking, I have subsequently learned about after having tinnitus. It won't get rid of tinnitus, but is a way to turn negative thinking or closed mindedness around. It is a life skill. I haven't taken a course, I got he gist of it here I think.

Habituation is learning to cope, fading in and out of awareness and annoyance, of having my central nervous system not freaking out, of being able to be calm, to laugh, enjoy life, friends, family, everything. It is like @Jazzer often talks about, being able to find some stillness and peace amidst the storm of noise. I think it is possible, if the noise is not catastrophic. I am sure neuroplasticity is a thing that can happen and our brains can heal a bit in their own limited weird way.

I very much doubt there will be a cure in my lifetime, be it hearing regeneration or any other drug. I am reconciled to being handicapped, living with limitations, and trying to get on with rebuilding a good life while I can. That knife's edge could have me taking my life too if the noise was cranked up to an ungodly level. I know what that level would be for me. You gave up your drums, I gave up my metal work, building, different types of sculpture I had been doing for decades. I, we, have to be careful on city streets, because horns and breaks may kill us.

Stay strong, anybody who bothered reading this rant... dig deep, tomorrow may grant us a few minutes and then maybe an hour here and there where we are not tormented and actually be happy.

Wishing you the best @bobvann.

 

This was a wonderful read, thank you for posting your thoughts.

 

I was almost 4 years free of severe tinnitus. It had started in 2016 and ended in 2018.

Then I took Pfizer in November last year. Severe tinnitus returned with loud banging pulsatile tinnitus. It took 8 days for that stuff to wreak havoc in my body and undo years of healing.

I thought of suicide many times during the first months of hell.

I am now over 5 months in to this renewed hell.

I still think of suicide sometimes especially when I wake up from my 3 hours of drugged sleep.

But it is lessening.

My life is completely destroyed and the only thing keeping me going is the vow I made to my partner not to take my life.

We listened to a vaccine damaged man say that suicide is like packing together all your suffering and passing it on to the one who loves you most.

That struck a chord with me.

I have no problem with those who consider suicide as the best option for them. Sometimes suffering is just too great.

Personally I think that suicide may not really solve the problem. We are all part of an immense universal consciousness. The suffering that we cause others through suicide may follow us into the next form of consciousness. A kind of karma I suppose. However, suffering can drive us insane. And what we do then is out of our control.

 

If the noise is not catastrophic... this is so true. It is something we must never forget.

We each know what that level would be. And we can’t ever assume our level is comparable to another (not that you are saying that in any way).

@Daniel Lion, I always find your posts so deeply kind and filled with compassion. Thank you.

 

I can barely handle going to the store anymore. It's mainly the sound of people grabbing shopping carts. They pull them out so hard that when the carts separate and unfold, they slam down. I usually try to run into the store as quickly as I can, but some stores have checkouts right beside the cart collection.

 

If you got winter all year round, you could have earmuffs under a hood and just look a little bit dodgy?

 

What other health conditions do you have? Are you in the US?

 

@CC_16, I have chronic nerve pain on my hands and shoulder, it’s from an injury I had a while back. I can’t lift heavy things at all, shit, I can barely hold my phone without having a severe onset of nerve pain. Injuries that just never healed. I also get severe migraines sometimes, to the point of almost losing consciousness. I suffer from severe anxiety, which sometimes causes really bad chest pain that ruins everything. My body is just overall fucked up, I always tell myself I’m a 28 year old in a 70 year olds body. I have bad eyesight, shit ears and all my body aches.

 

After reading through these posts I’m not exactly sure who wrote what - but I can relate to just about everything.

My significant spikes never really return to baseline either.

After incurring damage the tones I have get even higher pitched and more intense than normal - and of course louder.

But I also get a tell tale electric sizzling that tells me for sure that something bad happened.

After 4 or 5 days the sizzling turns to static and I semi-habituate to the new normal pretty fast because I have gone thru this routine every week or so for 4 or 5 years now and have no choice but to fight on until the bitter end.

Anyway- I went to my primary care for the first time recently after staying away from doctors and hospitals since COVID-19 began.

I have a new resident now that I never met so I had to tell her about all my issues and explain to her about tinnitus and how I waited 5 months to see an ENT for literally 2 minutes.

ENT walks in and sits down.
ENT: why are you here.
ME: severe ringing in my ears.

ENT stands up.
ENT: I cannot do anything for you. (I cannot make any money off you).
ME: I cannot accept that. Can I atleast book a follow-up or something- anything.
ENT: not with me.
ME: (quiet sobbing).

ENT leaves without asking any questions, did not exam me or offer any tests or even write anything down.

I wait 6 months for a second opinion and this time I get a referral for physical therapy. I then take another day out of work and lose a couple hundred bucks for a lame massage that only infuriates me for how senseless it is.

Anyway - so this new primary care resident is a very young smart attentive Asian woman and I like her. She starts going through my history and she says she doesn’t see anything about me seeing the ENT. She soon figures out it’s because neither of them examined me or wrote anything down or asked me any questions or ordered any tests.

She is astonished, furious and vows to raise hell but I tell her not to bother. I tell her it does not matter who believes or knows what and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I know how bad I have this and I am the one who has to live this way until I no longer can. I am all done trying to convince doctors or anyone else how much I am suffering and need help. I told her just to not forget about me and if she hears anything about something that could help me to keep me in mind and when I’m gone to remember me when dealing with tinnitus patients in her future career.

Best wishes to all.

 

First of all good seeing you are still fighting, Bill, I have thought of you in the past months.

This is what I can't do, I have progressive hearing loss and the tinnitus gets worse and worse but I can't even semi-habituate, I'm basically crippled.

The callousness of the ENT specialist is unbelievable, at least they could have listened, at least they could inform themselves about current trials and upcoming treatments. This is not right. It's true we are on our own in the end, but this is wrong. The fury of the primary care doctor is completely justified.

This makes me cry, especially thinking of what happened to Allan, Brian and unfortunately many others who are not in the forum. When will this horror end? When will the medical establishment take this seriously? Too late for us, I fear. But hold on, Bill, one day at the time.